Host Etiquette

Since we've been married, Duncan and I have had our fair share of opportunities to play host to a number of different guests in our little cottage.  Although we are starting to become seasoned veterans, we are always on the lookout to improve our hosting skills.  And how can we do this?  By being guests in other people's houses and learning what should and shouldn't be done when rolling out the welcome mat.

Here are some of the expectations we place upon ourselves when expecting visitors:

• We will make sure we have enough food in the house.
• We will cook meals for them and not expect them to pay to go out for dinner at the pub or motel when they may be on a tight budget.
• We will make sure the house is clean.
• We will not invite more people than we can sleep comfortably in our house.
• We will consider those with 'special requirements'.  This means I will cook a vegetarian dish if a guest is a vegetarian, or I will put Ebony outside and rid the house of cat hair if someone is allergic to cats.
• We will show them a bit of what our life is like up here ie. inviting them to church, taking them on a tour of the farm, taking them into town on a Saturday morning etc.
• We will give them the opportunity to just put their feet up and relax and not inundate them with 'activities'.
• We will switch our airconditioning on for them in summer (I've stayed with some people in summer who have aircon but never switch it on, and I'm sitting there having a bath in my own sweat.  How stingy can you get?)

While I enjoy hosting friends and family and sharing a bit of our lives with them, I do have my limits.  Hence, I will NOT do the following:

• Mollify people who just want to complain that our place isn't like Perth.
• Buy lots of 'entertainment' for bored people.  No, we are not buying a Wii, we are not providing heaps of toys for your kids (I have one bag of op shop toys and some craft supplies, but that's it).  If you want something in particular, you have to bring it yourself.
• Listen to criticism about the size of our house (we did warn you).
• Go out of my way for people with upmarket tastes ie. people who only drink one brand of coffee.  We have most food items here, but if you're going to be a snob, then you bring your own (see second dot point).

I think we all have expectations of our hosts, and of ourselves when we're wearing the hosting cap.  Sometimes these expectations are realistic, sometimes they're not.  I understand that some people are in different stages of life; for example, if you're staying with people who have young children, you can't expect a pristine house.  I don't want my hosts to put on a grand show for me, but if they're not going to bother to spend any time with me, then I do wonder why they invited me in the first place.  Some people are probably going to be offended at this, but when I stay with someone, I expect them to offer me a meal, or at least have a few slices of bread and some milk available so I can make something myself.  I've stayed with some people and opened their fridge, and I swear there is nothing edible in it.  It costs me so much money to stay with some people because I have to buy breakfast, lunch and dinner for each day that I'm there.  When I ask them if they have a slice of bread so I can make some toast, they reply airily, "Oh I don't eat breakfast...or I go to Hungry Jack's on the way to work...or I just have a coffee and a smoke."  I will never understand people who don't eat breakfast, or do not have something other than the light in their fridge.  I'm on a budget so I can't afford to eat out all the time.  But some people don't even consider cooking a meal, they just say, "Oh, let's just go out for dinner" (again!)  Great, that's another $30 down the drain!

Don't invite people if you can't provide the basics.  I don't expect a family in a two-bedroom apartment to offer to host me.  I think the people who should be offering are those with spare rooms who can have guests without having ten people squished in their loungeroom.

If you'd like to be our guest,
We will try our very best,
To make your stay simply grand,
Out here in this spacious land.

But while we'll try to meet your needs,
Your wants are another thing indeed.
Don't bring a desire to complain,
And you'll leave feeling much more sane.

So if you'd like to be a host,
At least offer your guests some toast.
Provide the basics, not a banquet hall.
Or don't invite guests at all.