When Friends Go Weird

This is a hard post to write. It is one I have done a lot of reflecting on. At the back end of a tumultuous year like no other in my lifetime of 37 years, it seemed appropriate to post it now. As much as I'd like to believe it, I doubt when the clock clicks over to 2021 that these problems will magically disappear.

As fear of COVID-19 gripped the world, one of the repercussions has been the rise of conspiracy theories. These have always been around, but now social media, anxiety, and an increasingly unstable world have seen them gain new followers - ones who I would previously have never believed would have become entangled in things like this. I have at times felt devastated as it became glaringly obvious on Facebook that more and more friends had 'gone down the rabbit hole', and no amount of reasoning would convince them it was a terrible mistake. Suddenly anyone not with them was against them - we were 'living in fear', 'enslaved to the government', and needed to 'wake up'. COVID didn't exist, or at least was a lot less dangerous than the media was reporting. We were going to be forcibly vaccinated by Bill Gates and microchipped. The government was putting fluoride in our drinking water to damage our 'third eye' and make us docile and obedient. We shouldn't be wearing masks or staying in our homes. It was all part of a government plan to turn Australia into a dictatorship.

I was more scared of these people, my friends, than I was of the virus.

How was a longstanding friendship going to survive these bizarre beliefs? When lockdown ended and we could meet in person again, would I have to endure long-winded rants of how I was a sheep and needed to be 'woke'? Would every topic suddenly become an elephant in the room?

The scary thing was that some people were not just saying they believed these things, they were actively changing their lifestyle in accordance - in ways I could never imagined some people would have just a year earlier. This included no longer vaccinating their kids, planning to homeschool (presumably because the school wouldn't enrol their kids if they were unvaccinated), buying expensive water filters so they wouldn't have to drink tap water.

But then I started to consider how it must have looked to my non-Christian friends and family when I became a Christian. I know for a fact that many of them thought I'd become 'weird', that they were worried I'd been sucked into a cult, that I was living out my faith in big life decisions, rather than it being a passing fad. They must have been scared, they must have thought they'd lost me, they must have wondered if they could ever have a normal relationship with me again, they must have worried I'd bash them over the head with my Bible at every opportunity.

Maybe all this conspiracy theory stuff will be a fad for some friends. I truly hope so. I was talking to a good friend of mine who is a nurse in mental health, and she thinks the anxiety of being in social isolation has messed with people's minds. I'm inclined to agree. I also know that some people who are really into conspiracy theories also have bipolar disorder and, because of their beliefs regarding health, often refuse to take the proper medication for it.

I've also realised that rather than running in fear from some people because of their passion and outspokenness, I could use these opportunities to speak about Jesus. If they want a platform to speak about their great love, then they cannot refuse me the chance to respectfully speak about mine. Then I pray they will know what true freedom is, that trusting God in all things, means you are not living in fear.

The Happiness Effect

If you see that I’m reviewing a fair few books on social media usage it’s because it’s my pet topic at the moment.

The Happiness Effect is a study of the attitudes of American college students towards social media. While some of it was extremely interesting, I found some was not relevant to me. Unfortunately I’m not in that young twenty-something demographic anymore, and chapters on sexting, selfies and nude photos are not really my thing. I don’t need to worry about what my future boss might think of my posts and photos as my profile is set to private and there is nothing incriminating there anyway. There was also discussion of apps that I have no idea about; I’m really only familiar with Facebook and blogging.

The main point of the book is that there seems to be no place on social media for sadness or overt seriousness, and there is great pressure to only post happy, positive things. Whether it’s pressure that friends will cut you off, or that a post will affect your future employment, people of all ages feel they must edit their lives. I’ve found this to be very true. There is pressure to post things for ‘likes’ and the thrill of acceptance and validation that gives. There is no place for vulnerability, hence some insensitive twit will use it against you. Yet, if you’re too positive, you get accused of being fake. You can’t win.

These are some of the points which really stood out to me:

• There is a real love-hate relationship between young people and their smart phones. They long to be free of them, but feel disconnected to their peers and the world without them. Nowadays, smart phone users are expected to be on-call like they were doctors or other emergency workers. There is a fear of being out of phone range if there is an emergency and they need to be reached. Yet, previous generations survived without this technology. Those who have deactivated their social media accounts have noticed they tend to get less invitations to things and it’s the fear of being left out that often makes people reactivate.

•  In the past, you’d hear about a party you weren’t invited to via overhearing conversations. Now the photos are plastered all over social media to rub it in your face (often deliberately).

• Being on platforms which allow you to post or comment anonymously is freeing because you can be your authentic self. I’ve found this with blogging; I can be much more honest than I can on Facebook. However, this has led to the rise of trolling, and people showing their nasty sides.

The book didn’t address all of the areas I wished it had and I suspect that is mostly because it’s not aimed at my demographic. What I want to read is a book about social media usage by women around my age – the subtle nastiness women often display, such as tagging all of your mutual friends but you in a ‘best friend meme’, posting photos or ‘checking in’ at an event you were excluded from, liking everyone else’s posts but yours. But you can’t pull them up on this behaviour as they’ll just deny it and you’ll look like a crazy person.

My hunt continues….

How Social Media Ruins Friendships

I'm sure I could easily come up with at least 10 reasons why social media is beneficial for friendships, but my experiences over the past five months with Facebook and friendships have left me shaken, anxious, paranoid, angry and bitter. I won't go too deeply into the events that caused this reaction (you never know who is reading after all....although part of me wants to just put it all out there), but enough so you know what has caused this extreme reaction.

I've written about this briefly before, but in early October last year, I went to message a friend and my heart leaped as I saw the 'Add Friend' button on her profile. Since I consider this person a 'real life' friend, I messaged her via Messenger, asking what I'd done wrong. I considered maybe her kids had been playing with her phone, until I got the dreaded message. Yes, she'd done it. The reason? She 'didn't agree with some things I post'. I asked her to elaborate. This isn't someone from high school who I haven't seen in 18 years, so it could make any in-person encounters awkward. Last year I posted about how it's usual habit for many Facebook users to unfriend anyone who disagrees with them on anything! I tried to recall if I'd shared any controversial political articles recently. I eventually learned the reason.

I was unfriended because I was sick.

Yep, it was because I posted about this incident.

Then I was re-added by this person a couple of months later as if her actions hadn't had any effect on me at all! She knew I'd been upset about it, but I didn't mention the extent. That whole saga about being in hospital with abdominal pain meant I lost more than just my health temporarily. My parents didn't believe me and acted like it was a massive inconvenience for them, and now a friend of mine had unfriended me because they just didn't want to know (they said they cared too much, but I would never turn my back on a friend in need, even if I was worried about them). I even asked some other friends of mine (not mentioning this person's name) and they thought it was very weird behaviour.

So I still have a yucky taste in my mouth months later and I'm wary about what I post. But then the rebel in me, declares, Who cares what they think!

• There is no Facebook/real life divide when it comes to friendships. I'm sick of people behaving waaay differently on social media to how they would in real life. If you're rude to me online, that affects our real-life friendship. I'm not just going to forget about what you said because you forgot I'm a real person behind a computer screen. I've seen people write, I'm doing a massive friend cull on FB, getting rid of negative people in my life, then declare that they still want to be real-life friends with the people they unfriended, and not understand why those people were hostile. Ummm yep, it IS personal, buddy. You shafted them out of 500 people and wonder why they're pissed off. And if they're so 'negative' online (which is usually code for they don't agree with everything their friend says or does), why do you still want them in your life?
  
• If you're unfriending someone because you're jealous, then YOU'RE the one with the problem. Unfriending/unfollowing someone you're jealous of won't solve the problem, because it's raised heart issues for you that you need to deal with.

• If someone wants to post 'personal' things, let them. If they want to post often, let them. I've heard people complain, "Mary posts so much on Facebook,". Well, how do you know Mary posts a lot unless you're always on there reading it?
•  I've had enough of women using Facebook to be bitchy and exclusive. I get sick of seeing mutual friends post stuff about being 'best friends' with someone and liking one person's every post, while completely ignoring other people.

• If you're don't like or are not interested in what someone else posts, just scroll on by. Unless you're really concerned about this person and what they're posting, just let it go. People like different things. Get over it! Life would be pretty boring if everyone was interested in the same things.

Related posts:
Fakebook
Facebook 'Friends'
Facebook Etiquette 
Faceless

The Pendulum: Social Media and Me

I'm in a bit of a quandary about my usage of social media at the moment, so I'm wondering what others think about this?

Do you just post whatever interests you on social media?  Or do you 'tone it down' so your 'friends' don't become annoyed or offended?

I'm usually a firm adherer to the rule that your blog, your Facebook page etc. is YOUR chunk of cyberspace, and how you express yourself is up to you.  I'm not advocating ungodliness here, rather that if you want to post one hundred photos of your cat, or share articles about gun control, or funny memes, then it's YOUR page to do it on.  If someone doesn't like it....well....they need to suck it up.

But lately I've noticed that the trend to unfriend over the slightest thing is growing.  People being unfriended because they post too many photos of their kids, or are honest about their fight against depression, pose for too many selfies, are too political, share too much about their weight loss journey.  It's not only a difference of opinion that's causing the unfriending, but a difference of interests.  I'm sick of the way you post about motorbikes all the time, so I'm ending the online friendship.

As much as people might say unfriending is 'not personal', it IS personal.  It is a rejection in some way, and sometimes over the pettiest of reasons. So many people seem determined to only have a friends list who affirms their opinions and shares every interest.

I don't want to post deeply sordid things, but I do want to share articles and quotes that I am passionate about.  I don't want other mums to feel like they're the only ones struggling.  But I've been a victim of unfriending because people simply don't like what I post. These aren't people I don't see anymore; these people I see regularly.

I don't want to bow to people pleasing, but if the whole point of social media is to be social, should we care what others think, to an extent?

So, has someone's rejection of your online presence made you reconsider what you post?

Or do you continue to post what you want, saying it's my way or the highway?

Sometimes You Just Have To Cry

Sometimes crying makes you feel better.

On Friday, I ended up in the emergency department in Albany hospital. The boys and I had been staying with my parents for a few days in the school holidays.  I woke up with shocking abdominal pain.  It started between my chest and my belly button, went through to my back, and then up to my chest, and I started wondering if I was having a heart attack.  The pain was second only to my labour with Flynn.  I couldn't keep still and couldn't stop crying out in agony. 

What really distressed me was not the pain...it was the reaction of my own parents.  They literally didn't care.  My dad yelled at me to stop disturbing everyone.  He told me to take Panadol, put a heat pack on and be quiet.  My mum told me I was scaring the kids (I wasn't; they were totally distracted by the TV) and that I need to learn self-control and be quiet in pain.  I yelled at her furiously, asking if she'd been quiet when she'd hurt her back nine years ago and ended up in hospital for a week.  My dad told me he'd take me to the hospital as long as it didn't make him late for work.

What the heck?!?  They are not usually this horrible and I'm still hurting from it.  I confronted them later, telling them how much their attitude hurt me, that I was in a lot of pain and couldn't just be quiet because it was inconvenient for them.  But they still don't get it.

Then today I was in tears because a friend of mine unfriended me on Facebook.  If it was someone from high school that I hadn't seen since then, and had no 'real life' relationship with, I wouldn't care.  But this friend is someone I see regularly, am on good terms with (or so I thought), can talk about all sorts of stuff with, and Rory is best friends with her son.  I asked her, via private message, why she unfriended me and said I was sorry if I'd inadvertently hurt her.  She said she didn't agree with some of the stuff I posted on Facebook, but that we could still be friends in real life.  I asked her if she could clarify what sort of things she disagreed with and she said she'd tell me in person sometime (I saw that she'd also unfriended Duncan and another mutual friend).  Then, she messaged me this evening, explaining that she finds it too overwhelming reading about friends suffering (like when I posted about my abdominal pain).  I'm glad we have sorted it out, but the whole afternoon has left me somewhat drained and emotionally fragile. (I will do another post on the nature of real life/online friendships later, as it is a subject that has often fascinated and perplexed me.)

Just when I thought I'd been doing so well recently, too.

Side note: I am fine, physically.  The hospital did tests and an ultrasound, but all were clear.  It is not related to my recent surgery.  They thought it might be my gallbladder, but it doesn't seem to be.  After some heavy duty painkillers, which left me very drowsy, I was home a few hours later, and the pain has not returned since.

Related posts:
Facebook 'Friends'

Friendships Forged in the Trenches

I'm in two minds about whether friendships that start and bloom in the midst of shared suffering are a good thing, or not.

Take my experience in the Mother Baby Unit, for instance.

I bonded with most of the ladies in there quickly, and our shared experiences led us to become fast friends. They understood what I was going through more than many of my other friends and family could. That's not a slur on anyone....sometimes we just can't understand a particular trial someone is going through, unless we've been through it ourselves. While in the MBU, one of the ladies started a secret Facebook group so we could stay in touch after we were discharged.  As we were all gradually deemed well enough to return to the real world, we continued to share our struggles and sorrows via Facebook, and tried to spur each other on.

Recently, I was wondering about how one of the ladies was going, as I'd heard she'd been back to the MBU. She was also on my personal Facebook friends list, so I went to send her a private message, only to discover she was no longer on there. I assumed she must have chosen to deactivate her account. Then I wrote a message in our secret group, asking if anyone had heard from her as it appeared she was no longer on Facebook. A few of the other ladies replied, saying she hadn't deactivated her account, that they could still see her profile, but that she had removed herself from our group. I then realised what had happened....she had unfriended and blocked me.

I was in shock, I felt embarrassed that I was the only one she had blocked (I would understand if she'd blocked all of us, assuming that maybe she didn't want to be reminded of the MBU), I was worried that I'd said or done something inadvertently that had hurt her. The other ladies reassured me that it was highly unlikely I'd done anything wrong, that she must be just going through some stuff, and it was her way of dealing with it, and not to worry. I still couldn't stop wracking my brains for a bit, worrying about what I might have done. I have no other way of getting in touch with her, so I have to leave it in God's hands and move on.

That's the thing about friendships between two people with depression....as much as they can be comforting, there's also the potential for much hurt when one or both of you are going through hard times. People handle things differently, and I have no idea what goes through their heads that leads to the decisions they make, although I guess it makes perfect sense to them (or maybe not). When I'm really down, I make decisions to reduce the hurt (i.e. putting up walls to protect myself from certain people). Sometimes I just can't bear other people's burdens.

Friendships forged in the trenches.....are they a blessing?

Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no.

5 Annoying Words/Phrases Which People Use Frequently on Facebook

1. I love you to the moon and back.
2. Cutie-patootie
3. Fam bam
4. Totes
5. Karma will get you/bite you in the bum.

What are some words/phrases which people use on Facebook that really annoy you?

Frenemies?

Why on earth do some people friend request people in Facebook who they despise in real life?

I know several people who can't stand to be in the same room as each other, yet they have become Facebook 'friends'.

So, so weird.

This is a mug I found in Red Dot a few months back.

I don't get it.  Please explain...

5 Blogging Trends in 8 Years of Blogging

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY TO 'THIS IS WHAT SED SAID'.

It looks like I may (God willing) get to the magical decade after all.

Here are some of the trends I've observed in the blogosphere (well, among the blogs I read) over the past eight years.

1.  Commenting is on the decline.  Yet, the stats show that just as many people are reading.  I've heard people say they're 'time poor', that they don't have time to leave comments.  It's a bit like people saying they have time to read emails, but not reply.  Odd.

2.  Most people read via a reader.  Therefore, they probably don't click through to comment as much.

3.  Facebook is taking over.  This is probably because it's quicker and easier and you can use it on your smart phone (although there IS a Blogger app, too).  It takes less time to write a quick post about nothing, than it does to really think something through before you post it.  It's easier to upload photos on Facebook.  Nowadays it's almost like you need to link your blog to Facebook or have a Facebook fan page for your blog.

4.  Most blogs have a short lifespan.  The blogosphere is littered with abandoned blogs.  It's sad when a blog I loved reading is no more.  It's disappointing when the blogger announces they are going to start a new blog to replace their old one, but then that suffers the same fate.

5.  Every business seems to have a blog.  Personally, I don't read business blogs, but I've been involved with two through work.

It seems like my blog is a child, getting older and celebrating a birthday every year.  In keeping with tradition, it has new party clothes to celebrate in.

Thanks everyone for reading over the years. :)

5 Reasons Why Facebooking is Better Than Blogging

Although I prefer blogging, Facebook definitely has its advantages, too.

1.  It's quicker and easier.  I don't have to think as much or be as articulate.  Churning out a thoughtful blog post takes more time and mental energy.
2.  You can choose your audience.  With blogging, you never really know who is reading.  You can't lurk with Facebook if the privacy settings are set to 'Friends Only'.  Sometimes I wish I could block certain people from seeing certain blog posts.
3.  You can't comment anonymously or under an alias.  Yes, there are people on Facebook who aren't using their real names, but, in general, the Facebook culture is that people sign up with their real names.  If you want to comment, you have to 'own' what you say...no hiding behind anonymity.
4.  People comment more...despite having to use their real names.  With blogging, you know people are reading (from your stats), but it's a struggle to engage them in conversation.  Therefore, Facebook is a much better ego-booster than blogging (haha).
5.  People tend to use Facebook more consistently, allowing the conversations to flow better.  I know some people take breaks from the internet for days at a time, but with blogs, people comment then might disappear for a while and it's harder to keep the conversation going.

In what ways do you think Facebook is BETTER than blogging?

5 Reasons Why Blogging is Better Than Facebook

1.  You can write so much more and explain what you mean in more detail, rather than having to make a quick update that may be misunderstood.
2.  You don't have to use your full name (or even your real name).
3.  You can limit your audience more.  If you want to blog without all of your acquaintances finding it and reading it, it's easier to do so - just don't tell them or advertise it on Facebook.
4.  You get to 'meet' new people.  Facebook tends to be about connecting more with people you already know.
5.  There are more customisation options.  You can 'personalise' your blog more than you can your Facebook page.

If you're a blogger who's also a Facebooker, what ways do you think blogging is BETTER than Facebook.

Prompted To Write: Life in the Digital Age

This is my entry for Meredith's bi-monthly writing challenge Prompted To Write.

A week before Rory was born, I stepped out of the dark ages and into the shiny world of iphones.  It was one of those decisions I'd been umming and ahhhing about for a while.  I had a perfectly functional Samsung flip phone, and I can't stand how some people deliberately smash their phone or drown it in the washing machine just so they have an excuse to get the latest model.  I was well aware of the temptations of having internet access right at my fingertips.  Then there was the temptation of scrolling away on the thing when I'm out socialising with people (I've 'confiscated' Duncan's phone a few times).

 

 

After 10 months in iphoneland, I'm glad I made the jump.

 

Pros:

• It's my phone, camera, internet browser, social media, email, torch, weather advisor, street directory, bank, and gateway to online shopping - all in one!
• The apps that exist out there never cease to amaze me.  We order pizzas using the Dominos app when we go to Perth.
• Now that I'm a mum, starting up the laptop and getting on the internet seems all too hard some days.  I like how I can jump on Facebook quickly and easily.
• There's even a Blogger app!  I've used it quite a few times to do a quick post, edit a typo out of an existing post and publish a pending comment.
• The old days of looking up the street directory, writing down directions on a piece of paper and then having it fly off the dashboard while I'm driving are over.  It's better than a Tom-Tom.

Cons:

• It's only a phone, but it can take over your life.  I've heard people say they've felt practically naked if their phone has been lost or stolen.
• It has the potential to be a terrible time-waster.
• Social events are never the same.  Now everyone's there on their phones instead of talking to each other.
• It makes it too easy for people to relay news or take and post photos that they shouldn't be sharing.
• Even though the Facebook app is great, it doesn't have the full functionality as it does when you're on a computer.  Same with the Blogger app.

I'm glad I have an iphone.  Yes, I'm very behind the times.  But that's ok.

Grieving and Coveting

I'm currently reading a book called MIA Missing in Action: How Mothers Lose, Grieve and Retrieve Their Sense Of Self.  It has shed a lot of light on why I've found it so hard to adjust to motherhood.

I'm grieving.

 

I'm not only grieving the loss of my pre-baby lifestyle, I'm grieving the loss of who I was before as well. 

As I scanned Facebook recently, reading happy birth announcements and seeing pictures of ecstatic new parents with their bubbas, I realised I am also grieving for the loss of those precious first few days and weeks after Rory's arrival.  These new parents 'can't get enough' of their babies and 'feel complete'.  I never felt any of that (well, I don't want Rory to 'complete' me.  Even if I didn't have PND, I wouldn't want that; that is idolatry).  While reading some of the birth statuses and seeing the newborn photos, I began to cry.  When Duncan asked me what was wrong, I told him I wished I could have that time with Rory again.  I wish I hadn't been so depressed.  I wish I hadn't felt so indifferent towards him, felt he was ruining my life, and just wanted to be free of him.  I wish I could have those newborn cuddles again and soak up every moment.  I wish I could have just told myself it wouldn't last forever and ridden the bumps.

I see pictures on Facebook of new parents going out and about with their bubbas less than a week after they were born.  I was so depressed and paralysed by anxiety that I struggled to have a shower and get dressed let alone go out to a restaurant.  We have friends who have a month old baby and already they are back at church regularly and life doesn't seem to have changed that much for them.  I don't think their baby is 'easy', but they seem to just go with the flow.  In my heart of hearts, I'm envious.  I wish that could be me going out and about without becoming stressed or tired.  I wish God could have given me more coping abilities.  I can tell myself that Facebook doesn't tell the whole story, I even re-read Karen's post, Myths of Parenthood #1: Everyone Else is Coping.  But some parents genuinely seem to be doing quite well and not just putting on a mask.  When I was in the depths of despair, I didn't even have the strength to pretend everything was ok, it was just so blatantly obvious I wasn't coping.

Yes, I think it's time to re-read The Envy of Eve again, especially the bits about coveting gifts, abilities and circumstances.

Duncan and I 'lost' the first part of our relationship too because a third party was intent on breaking us up.  I grieved that for a long time.  Although ultimately Duncan and I married and have had six and a half wonderful years together since we first started dating, it took me a long time to heal.  I am thankful that I still have that chance to make good memories with Rory now, but I still think it's ok to grieve.  This photo was taken on the day he was born.  The reason I love it so much is that it reminds me of those wonderful first cuddles before depression struck two days later:

This quote I posted last year sums it up:

It does not mean that there will not be times when I am so overcome with sadness at memories in my life that I must go outside and find a place to be alone and just cry for an hour....but that God is good.
- The Secrets of Heathersleigh Hall by Michael Phillips

Behind Facebook

A old school friend had this as her Facebook status last week:

It's a bad idea to over share on Facebook but honestly I am a bit ashamed that at this moment I can only feel jealous of others, lonely and a little insecure. Wish I had some positives with which to stack the deck.

I appreciated her honesty because I've felt the same.  Facebook encourages people to write things for 'likes'.  When you're going through a hard time or a 'meh' time, it's hard not to envy those who seemingly have a great life.  They're always at hip restaurants, taking photos of their scrumptious meals, posing with their picture perfect families.

I encouraged my friend to not be deceived by what people write on Facebook.  All is not always what it seems.  That doesn't mean that people writing about good things happening to them actually have a terrible life behind the scenes; it just means that they are focusing on the positives.  A good friend of mine went through a terrible time last year, but you wouldn't know that from her Facebook updates.  It can be tempting to accuse people of wanting to make others jealous but that isn't always the case.  When I'm going through a tough time I either write nothing or write about the good things, and it isn't because I want my friends and acquaintances to think I have a perfect life.  It's because I don't want any smart-mouthed person to write something that will result in me feeling even worse.

By simply looking at my Facebook page, some people may think I have it all together.  A beautiful baby, a loving husband, cute pets, plenty of space and fresh air.  But those who know me and those who read this blog will know that is far from true.  I never advertised on Facebook that I had spent five weeks in hospital with postnatal depression and anxiety.

Things are not always as they seem.

I have to remind myself of this when I find myself envying others due to what they write on Facebook.  More importantly I need to be reminded of who God is and my standing before Him when I find myself becoming envious or grumbling about my own life.  I often find myself becoming jealous of non-Christians who are having lots of fun on Sundays, going out and about while we're getting ready for church.  Being an introvert, sometimes I'd rather just spend the morning alone or just with my family instead of a large group of people.  I want to go to cafes or parks and just have fun.  Non-Christians seem to have it so easy.  I enjoy meeting with God's people when I get there, but I sure do feel tired afterwards.

That's when I need a reality check.  Why am I envying those who don't know God when I have been given the most incredible gift, a gift I don't deserve, a relationship with the Creator of the universe?  That is far better than any Sunday sleep-in or trip to a café.  Having Sundays for recreation isn't freedom.  True freedom is being liberated from sin and death by Christ's death and resurrection.

Time to log off Facebook, get down on my knees, thank my God, and pray that those I've been envying will come to know Him.

Facebook Evangelism

Can someone tell me why Jesus was nailed to a cross?

A guy I went to school with had this as his Facebook status last week.  I paused when I read it.  Was he seriously wanting an answer?  Or was he just looking to stir?  You never know with some people.  I've never thought Facebook was a very good vehicle for evangelism anyway.  I've seen too many 'debates' turn nasty while a lot of lurkers were probably having a good laugh.  I would rather sit down in person, or have a private conversation via email.  Should I answer this guy's question?  After a few responses that seemed quite bizarre and way off track, I took the plunge.  But instead of going into a lengthy spiel, I just sent a link to Two Ways To Live as a response.  Two Ways To Live explains the Christian message really well and I'm grateful to have such resources available.

The next day, he wrote back:
So the man himself was tied to a stake not a cross and paid the ultimate price for other people's sins. (Silly little bugger wasn't he?) so where was his parents? Are they accountable for neglect?
If we accept Jesus is God incarnate then on the metaphorical cross God himself died, how does that work?
So the modern day JC would be crucified (murdered) by lethal injection, I suppose it would look a tad bit silly if a miniature needle replaced the 'cross' on all those necklaces.
So what makes a Christian different from Buddhist, Jewish, etc?
Then, what's the difference between English, Dutch, African, Chinese etc?
Isn't there only one JC? And one GOD? But they're the same so that's only one, but there's two present........
Oh this is all too much

I thought, well, he's serious, then.  He actually watched Two Ways To Live.  In previous comments he wrote about how he didn't understand anything from Scripture lessons in primary school, and was confused about all the different Bible translations there are.  I went to school with him for years.  Although I haven't seen him recently and he doesn't live nearby, he's a nice bloke with a bit of a dry sense of humour.  Therefore, I didn't take anything he said as a personal slur on my faith because I could see that he must be genuinely searching.  And he had so many questions!  Oh my!  How was I going to respond to them?  Should I respond to them?

But then I thought, I'd rather try and help him find Christ than not do anything.  Again I sent him a link saying it might help with some of the tough questions he was asking.  It was a link to the Christianity Explored Tough Questions page.  I didn't hear back from him after that.  But there are a lot of questions on that page so it would take some time if he was watching all of the clips.

I wasn't sure what to do after that.  It wouldn't be appropriate for me to meet up with him in person (it would be better for him to meet up with another bloke).  He lives in Albany so I was trying to think of someone I could ask if he wanted to go down that path.  I prayed.  I prayed he would not give up searching.  I prayed God would open his eyes to who Jesus is.  I prayed he would go to a good Bible-teaching church.  I prayed that he would accept Christ as his Lord and Saviour.

What started as fear gave way to excitement.  I saw that Facebook can be a great tool for evangelism if used wisely.  I'm still cautious about jumping straight into debates.  I want to be wise with my words.  Maybe God had used me to plant a seed and would send someone else to water it.  For it is God's work after all, for His glory.

This post has been entered in the November edition of the Christian Blog Carnival.  If you're a Christian blogger and would like to enter one of your recent posts, submit it here today.

News Sharing Etiquette

While it has many positives, Facebook often really bugs me.  It has become a vehicle for people to just dump important news out to the hoards without any consideration for their family and close friends.  It's fine to announce to your 200 friends that you're eating a nice piece of cake, but I really don't want to find out that a close friend or family member is engaged, pregnant, has given birth, been diagnosed with cancer, or dead via Facebook!

I know I'm not alone in thinking this, but I often feel like I am.  When I casually mention to people that it's polite to notify those closest to them by means other than Facebook before throwing it out to the general public, I get puzzled looks.  But Facebook is so much easier and more convenient, they say.  That is until they are on the receiving end.  Suddenly they don't like hearing about the birth of their niece or nephew along with everyone else.  Suddenly Mother's excuse that it was easier to announce via Facebook that Granny had died rather than call the family individually just doesn't cut it.

I've felt hurt that I've found out things from people I used to consider quite good friends via their Facebook status.  Whereas in the pre-Facebook days they would have sent me an SMS, email, called me, or told me in person, now suddenly I'm just lumped in the same category as that person they went to school with and haven't seen for 10+ years.  Even a private Facebook message would have been better than a status!

So, Duncan and I have been faced with a dilemma: Do we just plod along with the way society is going and stick all our news on Facebook?  Or do we swim against the tide and continue to notify those important to us via other means BEFORE sticking it on Facebook....whether they return the courtesy or not?

We decided to go with the latter.  With the impending birth of our baby, we decided to put our convictions into action.  We either phoned, texted, or told people in person (if we happened to see them) that I was pregnant.  By the time we announced it on Facebook, most people already knew.  Sometimes it feels like people announce things on Facebook straight away so they can get lots of comments/likes.  Other methods of communication may be more expensive or inconvenient, but I know when people go out of their way to tell me things, I feel valued.  We wanted our friends and family to know we value them.

My other gripe with news sharing is when people share OTHER PEOPLE'S news for them.  Things like announcing the birth of other people's children on Facebook before they get a chance to do it themselves! "I'm so happy for my friends Bob and Sue who have just welcomed little Bobby-Sue. Love you guys!"  In the pre-Facebook days, I found out some friends were engaged because another friend rang me before the engaged couple got a chance to.  It's just not on.  It's someone else's special moment.  They should get the chance to announce it.  Excuses like, "But I was just so excited," don't cut it.  I honestly think people do this because they want to look important and 'in the know'.  They want others to know that they knew first.

When you've got some news to tell,
Share with those who you know well.
Before you spread it far and wide,
First swim against the tide.
Make an effort for those near and dear.
Think how you'd feel if you were to hear,
Something via the grapevine,
You'd expect to hear via another line.
Let people announce their news.
Remember the social cues.
It's their time in the sun,
Don't let your tongue spoil their fun.

What do you think is good news sharing etiquette?

Written Communication Etiquette

We all know that the written word can easily be misinterpreted.

Or do we?

I've lost count of the number of times I've read an email or Facebook message and thought, Are they serious?  Or are they just mucking around?  I work in admin.  Reading and replying to emails is a big part of my job, yet it never ceases to amaze me how blunt some people can be.  Especially when I get emails like this:

Sarah,
Do this.
Bob

When these are the kinds of electronic messages I get from strangers, I'll be darned if I want to get them from people I call my friends.

Doesn't this look much better:

Hi Sarah,
Could you please do this.
Regards,
Bob

It only took a few extra words, a few extra keystrokes on the writer's behalf, but it changed the tone of the whole message.  While receiving the first kind of message immediately gets my back up, the second makes me want to do what I'm being asked a lot more.

It's the same with text messages.  I ask someone if they want me to get something for them and they reply:

Yes

I think Yes pls would be a much better response, you rude person!

While there will always be many issues concerning written communication (you can't see the person's facial expression etc), that doesn't take the onus off the writer for making sure their tone and intent is as clear as possible.  Here are some tips:

1.  Thou shalt not use caps lock. 
You might think you're making a joke, but if I get a message like this - SARAH, YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!  - I will think you're angry.  Caps lock looks like you're shouting.

2.  Thou shalt go easy on the exclamation marks. 
One...two at the very most...should be enough to make your point.

3.  Thou shalt use emoticons, acronyms and abbreviations to show you mean well.
This is an issue I have with baby boomers on Facebook (this really deserves a whole post of its own).  I've noticed many people over 60 don't have much of a clue when it comes to these, and, therefore, most of my 'run-ins' on Facebook have occurred with people in this generation.  Consider the message above:
SARAH, YOU FOOL!!!!!!
I've had some people write similar messages to me, thinking it was a huge joke, and I've ended up quite cross and embarrassed by them.  If you're really joking, consider writing it like this:
Sarah, you fool. ;)
The wink (and lack of caps lock and exclamation marks) makes all the difference to the tone.  If I get a message like that from someone, I will assume they are mucking around.  I've come to the conclusion that you can never have too many smileys, winks or LOLs.  Some friends probably think I took way too many happy pills before I typed my message to them, but it's better to receive a message littered with smileys than one with none at all.

Side note: Adding LOL to the end of a sentence does not mean you can be a complete knob to someone and get away with it.  It's like those people who say, "You're fat...no offence."  I don't think so, buddy!

4.  Thou shalt add a friendly preamble
Even if your purpose for writing is to get something from the person, it's polite to greet them before getting straight to the point.  Say 'Hello and how are you?' and maybe add a brief comment about the weather.  It's better than getting an email saying blah blah blah, do this.

Aim to make your written word,
Just as you would want it heard.
Go the lengths to make it nice.
Winks and smileys will suffice.

While some will misinterpret you,
You have to think it through.
Be careful with the way you write.
Make sure you don't start a fight.

What do you think is good written communication etiquette?

Insight: Narcissism

I can thank a regular reader of this blog for recommending that I have a look at Insight on SBS.  This show is fantastic!  I can't believe I've never watched it before now (although maybe our crackly SBS reception has something to do with that).  Thanks Jodie!

There was an episode about narcissism and the use of social media earlier this year.  Very fitting with all the posts I've done on Facebook this month.  I'm enjoying watching through the three parts (as quickly as my internet will let me).

Take a look if you're interested.  There are heaps of other interesting topics too.

http://www.sbs.com.au/insight/episode/index/id/366/Narcissism#watchonline

Facebook Etiquette

It seems that I'm not the only one to have these frustrations.  I suspect mine are more gripes than etiquette, but this is Madam Sarah's Fine College of Etiquette after all.

1.  Thou shalt reply to messages
Facebook is for sharing - it says that on the homepage.  People who say they are too busy to reply to messages, yet have plenty of time to update their status 8 times per day or play those silly games are LAME.

2.  Thou shalt acknowledge thy commenters
I feel like a doofus commenting on people's statuses or asking them questions, only to be ignored.  Occasional acknowledgement would be nice.

3.  Thou shalt not stalk thy friends
I love comments and 'likes', but not from the same person on every status.  That's just a bit creepy.

4.  Thou shalt not update thy status too much
I know I really have no right to say this, but I think an average of one status per day is plenty.  I have one friend who updates 8 times per day (yes, I counted).  One day her statuses went like this:
It's a nice day.  I feel like going for a drive up the coast.
In the car, driving up the coast.
I'm up the coast.  It's lovely up here.
Home again from a day up the coast.
Surely I had a nice day up the coast would suffice?  Yes, I know I can hide people if I want to, but I'd rather not do that.  Frequent posts is what Twitter is for.  Oh and make sure you comment more on other people's statuses than you write about yourself.

5.  Thou shalt share important news with thy peeps before the hoards
I don't know about you, but I don't want to find out my best friend is pregnant via Facebook.  That's just slack news-relaying.  I wish some people would remember the days of SMS, phone and email.

6.  Thou shalt not whinge incessantly about photos
I used to complain about people taking photos of me before a friend very politely told me to get over it.  Now I can't see what people make such a fuss about.  Yes, you look that way in real life.  People see you every day.  A photo captures you in a second, a freeze frame.  I don't deliberately put up bad photos of my friends; I post ones in which I think they look good.  If you don't like a photo, don't kick up a stink.  Just untag yourself.

7.  Thou shalt not log into Facebook in a foul mood
Seriously...don't!  I'm speaking from experience here.  It's very tempting after a hard day to go online and 'tell it to Facebook' like you would to a private diary (been there).  But it's not a private diary.  It's read by hundreds of people.  By all means, share the yucky bits of life, be honest about your struggles, but don't log on and take offence at anything and everything other people have written.

8.  Thou shalt not write anything thy wouldn't say face to face
That's something cowards (or twits) do.

9.  Thou shalt not vaguebook
This is really one of my pet peeves.  People writing really random things like My nose hairs shine like the hilltops on a sunny day or I have a secret or I have exciting news (and then they refuse to elaborate when asked).  When I see people writing that, I just ignore them rather than satisfy their attention-seeking.  If it's so secret, then they should even be mentioning it on Facebook in the first place.

10.  Thou shalt use lots of smileys
The written word can be easily misunderstood.  I've come to the realisation that you can never have too many smileys.

11.  Thou shalt not poke, post silly chain messages or invite people to join thy games
Just annoying!  Enough said.

12.  Thou shalt not add people thy would avoid in the street
Don't add me if you would ignore me in real life.

When talking to your Facebook friend,
Pause before you press Send.
There's a person behind that screen,
Be polite, don't be mean.

We all have opinions to air,
Make sure you share and care.
There's nothing wrong with lots of chatter,
But show your friends that they matter.

Before you send that friend request
Consider if it would be best,
To add someone you'll never meet,
Or avoid in the street.

Enough of my gripes.  What do you think is good Facebook etiquette?

The Lovebook

I've blogged enough about how fed up I get with Facebook.

But over coffee with a friend, the topic turned to Facebook and I realised that I was not the only one discouraged by narcissism.  My friend and I talked about how or even if we could change the Facebook culture of "Look at me....look at me."  We admitted we often succumb to the temptation of gaining attention for ourselves while neglecting others.

Then the answer came from Facebook itself.

The 30 Day Facebook/Lovebook Challenge was created by a guy called Scott Stirling.  Here's an extract of what he wrote on the Lovebook page:

So much of our lives, especially on Facebook, is all about us. Heard a message (twice!) by Penny Webb at Riverview that got me thinking; its time we focus on others instead of ourselves.
So starting at the beginning of next month, I will be taking the challenge of updating my Facebook status with a positive, true and encouraging comment about somebody else who I know. They'll be tagged in ...the comment, and if you agree with the encouragement, like it and/or comment on. One click at the encouragement multiplies. One click that could change someone's day, or even their life.
It'll be a different person every day, for 30 days. Here's the catch; I challenge you to do the same. One status a day that's not about your own status. One sentence a day where instead of posts that boast about ourselves, we 'love on' other people.

So, inspired by Meredith, who completed the 30 day challenge, I began to write less posts about myself and more about others.  This is not to blow my own trumpet.  Encouraging other people is so easy, yet so difficult at the same time.  I have not done the challenge on consecutive days.  In fact, I've only done 19 days so far and I started in July.

I've also realised that Satan will do anything to stop Christians encouraging others.  He has got in my ear so many times, whispering to me to give up.  At first I was only going to do seven days, but I felt God speaking to me to keep going and do the full 30 days.  So here I am, up to Day 20.  These are some of things I've been hearing from Satan that I've wrestled with along the way.

"You won't encourage that person.  They hate attention.  They'll get embarrassed and then hate you for drawing attention to them on Facebook."

"You hate it when people don't reply to messages, Sarah.  You know some people will not care less whether you said something nice to them.  You're wasting your time."

"You'll look like a tryhard suck.  Save yourself the embarrassment."

"But think of all the comments and likes you could get if you wrote about yourself."

It's strange that something so small as writing an encouraging post about someone on Facebook has turned into such a spiritual battle for me.  Every time Satan whispers his lies, I've had to grit my teeth, declare them to be lies, and remember what God says in His Word.

Galatians 6:9-10 is such an encouragement to me.  We must not grow weary in doing good because we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  God never promised I would see this harvest.  He never promised that people would feel encouraged and thank me for it.  Although the temptation to seek accolades is always there, I have to remind myself that love and obedience is never a waste of time.

So when I hear that voice telling me no-one will ever be encouraged, I hear another one rebuking it.

"But what if they are?  What if someone was really down and your words lifted their spirits?"