Marriage 101: The Other Side

One of the exciting things about getting married is that it opens doors to having more people in your life which you'll hopefully have treasured relationships with.  I look back now and think of all the people I've met through Duncan, who I didn't know three and a half years ago.

Unfortunately this can also be one of the downsides...

When I was single, it seemed like a neverending battle to maintain strong relationships with my family and friends.  Distance and lack of time posed as problems.  I have a small family, but even then it was hard to find time to see them regularly.

Now that I've married into a HUGE family, it feels like I'm drowning.  Duncan's family keeps in touch with all of their distant relatives (great aunts, third cousins etc), and now there are more people to catch up with....and less time.  Plus we've got to throw all our friends into the mix, it's no wonder we often feel time poor.

We only have so much room in our lives to build meaningful relationships so something's got to give.  Over time, we've found some relationships have grown stronger and others have waned.  Sometimes this is due to distance, but often it's because we're learning how to relate to our loved ones as a couple.  Being married doesn't solve all of your social problems; it just gives you new ones.  Yes, you have a partner to accompany you to things, but you also get invited to twice as many events, and then you have to choose.

Being introduced to the 'other side' is quite a scary business.  I found myself wondering if they'd like me and accept me into the fold, and Duncan has wondered the same about my family and friends.  Most people have been great.  I'm grateful to some of Duncan's family, especially some of his cousins, who have gone out of their way to befriend me and make me feel welcome.  Sometimes this has been done by Facebook, such as sending me messages, asking questions about myself.  Now some people would probably find this nosey and get defensive, but I like it that people have shown such a genuine interest, and I appreciate their efforts and try to respond as well as I can.

But there will always be a few people you just don't click with.  It's not that these people are nasty, but sometimes there is a personality clash, or they don't seem to take much of an interest in getting to know Duncan or myself (depending on which side they're from).  Often we've gone to catch up with a friend or family member and one of us has been bored out of our brain.  I especially struggle with being stuck in a social situation with a shy person because I struggle with shyness myself, yet I'm asking questions and trying to initiate a conversation only to be grunted at.  I've told Duncan I especially enjoy hanging out with his friends who have loud, effervescent personalities.  It makes it so much easier to keep a conversation going when that person is interested in what you have to say and eager to chat.  Honestly, I could chat to some of Duncan's friends and family all day, they are that engaging.  And on the other side, I love the way Duncan has adopted my Nan as his own, and stirs her up whenever he can (he can do no wrong in her eyes).

When it comes to those we don't get on so well, we have found we need to strike a balance between honesty and grace.  We have to tell each other when we don't particularly get on well with someone, and would prefer to spend less time with them because they make us feel uncomfortable, or that they just won't talk to us.  But we can't just shoot each other's family and friends down because that makes us angry and defensive at each other.  Duncan has told me that while he gets on well with the majority of my side, there are others he battles with because they talk only to me and ignore him, and I've felt the same about some of his side.  Yet, I need to understand that some people are very important to Duncan and I need to make an effort because I'm his wife (and vice versa).  It's too easy to just catch up with mutual friends and we've already fallen into this trap a bit.  We've started to learn that we need to keep other important relationships alive too.

Sometimes it's hard to make an effort, and occasionally I've gotten 'bad vibes' from some people, like they don't really think that much of me, or think I'm not good enough for Duncan.  I'm hoping I've totally misread them because it does make me feel quite uncomfortable.  I heard ages ago that one person thought that because Duncan and I went out dancing after our engagement party, that he was being lead astray from Jesus.  As you can imagine, I was pretty livid when it got back to me, and I felt my hackles rising at being judged like this by someone who hardly knew me.  It was like they were accusing me of being an evil Jezebel who was leading dear, sweet little Duncan astray.  I'm grateful for people who set things straight.  Sometimes pure acceptance with no strings attached is very difficult to find.

We both know we've got to keep things in perspective, and that although the majority we get on very well with, there are others we will need to make an effort with out of our love for each other.  Yet, we also need to listen to each other if someone is making us feel particularly uncomfortable or is a really bad influence.

If you're married or in a long-term relationship, please share your experiences.  Do you get on well with your spouse/partner's friends and family?  How well do you do at negotiating who to see and how often?