Have you ever wondered if you're outgrowing some friendships? Or if some friends feel like they're outgrowing you?
Sometimes, as much as you don't want to feel that way, the little quirks about someone that you once found amusing are now annoying. You feel you've changed over the years, but they're still obsessing over the same petty gossip and drama from 10 years ago.
It's not necessarily about being in different stages of life, although this can be a factor. I firmly believe friendships can survive changes in circumstances, but it requires understanding and willingness from both parties.
A lot of it's about maturity. Some people grow up, some don't.
In an ideal world, I would have more children. I would love to have at least one more, maybe two.
But this is not an ideal world.
Due to my health, we have decided to stop at two. I can't keep getting postnatal depression and ending up in hospital. The likelihood of it happening again will increase with each child, and I have to have c-sections if I have any more. I'm just putting it out there because people will ask. They started asking before Flynn was even born. If you reply, "We're done," you often get the response, "Aww go on, have another one." These are the people who don't know what my family and I have been through. I have to excuse their ignorance. If they knew and had any sort of decency, they wouldn't say such things.
This decision has caused me untold amounts of grief. I never thought it would cause me to feel this way. I always thought I'd be happy with two. Two kids would suit my personality - I'm an introvert, I like my space, I like to do things besides raising kids, yet I don't cope well with too much on my plate. I've told myself that there are lots of advantages to only having two kids. We don't need a bigger car to fit more luggage and an extra carseat. Once they're both in full-time school I can do other things, like nursing home visits. We won't be so busy with extracurricular activities. Holidays will be cheaper.
But still I grieve.
I never understood people who have felt unhappy that they couldn't have lots of kids. Be grateful with the ones you've got, I've thought. Some people can't have any. I've had that said to me. It hurts. Now I understand how they feel.
1. RECOVER! I have a myriad of appointments to arrange and attend this year to aid my recovery - physiotherapy, chiropractic, counselling, hospital follow-ups, blood tests. It's doing my head in already.
2. Send my book to more literary agents and publishers.
3. Have regular quiet times. We're only 15 days into the new year and I feel like I'm failing already. But maybe if I was succeeding I'd be tempted to become proud. Thank the Lord it's all about His grace.
4. Declutter and sell things to raise money for missions or whoever the Lord places across my path in need of money. As soon as Flynn outgrows the baby stuff, IT'S OUTTA HERE.
5. Read and comment on other blogs more. I failed dismally at this last year as I was too preoccupied in keeping my own blog afloat.
It wasn't a very productive year....at least not how I had hoped:
1. Finish editing my book, write a synopsis and cover letter and
send to literary agents. NO MORE PROCRASTINATING, SARAH, YOU'VE COME
FINALLY! I DID IT! Although I've been rejected four times so far, I finally put my creation out there.
2. Make God and His Word a priority. I need
regular quiet times, plus I need to get into a Bible study of some
sort. The ladies' fellowship at church has turned into a social group
and no-one seems keen to do any Bible study, which I find a real shame.
I'm praying about who to approach to read the Bible with.
The ladies' fellowship folded and an actual Bible study started instead. I was overjoyed to be meeting with other women every Monday morning to study the Bible using KYB study guides.It was difficult at times due to Rory being the only child there, and he's not always great at entertaining himself. Unfortunately I've had to stop going since Flynn arrived.
Get fit and lose 4kg. Water aerobics is on on Saturday mornings at our
local pool and, now harvest is finished, Duncan can look after Rory so I
can go. I'll get back into Zumba as soon as it starts again, and keep
playing tennis. I want to do some yoga/Pilates type stretches at home
to help my back. Maybe a healthier lifestyle will help with my
fatigue. One thing I NEED to do is stop rewarding myself with bad
food. It's too easy to think, I've had a tough day with Rory, I need some icecream/biscuits *fill in the blank*. I don't want to, but I need to stop buying Mocha Chills. Those things are EVIL. No more than one a week for me!
Well, I stopped drinking Mocha Chills...but that was because of the pregnancy. I went to water aerobics once before I found out Flynn was on his way and I was too sick. Any other attempt at exercise went out the window.
Pray and think about how to go about my role as the Ladies' Fellowship
Deacon at church. It feels like I do nothing in this role. I'm not
really sure what I'm supposed to be doing and I need wisdom. I don't
want to overburden the ladies with too many things to do, but I want to
encourage them to read the Bible with each other. I was thinking about
having a trash and treasure stall at the local show in March to raise
money for missions.
The trash and treasure stall didn't eventuate and I stepped down from the role in August.
5. Get my DIY projects at home
done. I want to paint the laundry (we have a scungy outside laundry),
paint the window frame in the kitchen and stick Bible verses and
encouraging quotes around it, upcycle a toy box for Rory, make myself a
patchwork skirt....that's probably enough.
Hahaha! Moving Rory into his new room and rearranging parts of the house was enough.
Her wiry curly hair, which was mostly grey with white tufts at the side. I used to tell her she looked like a koala.
Her fresh, powdered smell.
"Some of those old biddies don't wash, but me, I always smell nice," she'd say. Five years have passed in a flash, but I'm determined to remember her, to not let the memories fade, and to tell my boys how special she was to me.
As soon as I can get to Albany next, I'm going to purchase a Sasco Year Planner for our wall. We get one every year. Since our early days of marriage, Duncan and I realised we needed a shared calendar, up on wall, so we can both see it. It saves a lot of drama with double booking, believe me.
The nicest thing about January is that the calendar is blank. It's my 'eye of the cyclone' month, sandwiched between a busy December and when things start cranking up again in February. It's nice to feel so 'available' and to write distant future events on the calendar with eager anticipation, rather than dread.