Lesson 12 from Sarah's School of Dating

Christmas is coming, but, for some single people, it is not a time of sharing and caring. Christmas can often be an intense time of loneliness.

Matchmaking is a word that often doesn’t go down well with single people. It is almost ranked as lowly as dating agencies or websites. I certainly didn’t want to be the victim of over-eager matchmakers when I was single. I once let a friend match me up with a male friend of hers – with disastrous consequences. I later found out this guy told my friend he thought I was unattractive. Just great for the self-esteem....NOT!

I’ve also noticed that the keen matchmakers are almost always couples; those who are so blissfully happy in their relationships that they cannot bear to see anyone single and possibly lonely. There was no way I considered matchmaking friends when I was single. I was too busy trying to find someone for myself! Often a single person’s worst fear is that all of their single friends will eventually pair off and they’ll be left alone.

Having said all that, I do think there is a role for couples to play in helping their single friends find love. Not the ‘Bob meet Sally’ kind of way with not-so-subtle winks and giggling behind hands, but by creating environments where your different friendship groups get to interact. The downside to planned matchmaking is that there is often disappointment, and sometimes anger, from the matchmaker when their grand plans don’t work out. Maybe the guy they set their hearts on for their friend ends up liking another girl, or both parties end up angry at the matchmaker for causing embarrassment. No, it’s far better to create an environment where people can meet, mix and mingle, rather than try to deliberately set two people up.

So how should couples do this in subtle ways? Well, the Christmas/Boxing Day/New Year period creates endless opportunities for parties, barbecues, and other social occasions. Invite all of your friends and see what happens. Most people do not need blatant matchmaking, just an environment to meet the available fish in the sea, and are big enough and ugly enough to work it out for themselves.

At one wedding we went to this year, we heard how the couple met at a New Year’s Eve barbecue organised by mutual friends. Another couple we know met at a dinner party. Don’t be afraid about your friends from different groups meeting for the first time. Chuck an epic party and see what happens.

Lesson 11 from Sarah's School of Dating

This question is relevant to both singles and couples.  How should we approach Valentine's Day?  Here are some different approaches I've taken or heard of.

To a single teenage girl, Valentine's Day is an important day on the calendar.  It's the day you hope Mr Crush will finally get up the courage to leave a rose or an anonymous note.  At high school, I used to live in hope than one day my true love would reveal his mutual affection and I'm ashamed to say that I even left my bag lying around, partly unzipped to make it easier for him to drop something in there.  Yes, I know, how sad!  Of course my hope would be shattered only to have it reignite the next time Valentine's Day came about.

A few years ago, as a 21-year-old single, I was invited by a single friend to an 'Anti-Valentine's Day Dinner' she was hosting at her place.  All of the invitees were single people and I think it was meant to be a night devoid of couples talking about houses, kids, weddings and the like.  If it was meant to encourage me as a single, it failed miserably.  I left that dinner MORE discouraged about my singleness.  Rather than ignoring the fact that it was Valentine's Day, I felt the dinner drew attention to the fact that we were all without partners and that we should be feeling resentful about it.

Some people spend what looks like their life savings on schmaltzy presents in a bid to win their sweetheart or affirm their love for their current partner.  Other couples despise the day with a passion, resenting the commercialism and stating firmly, "I don't need to celebrate Valentine's Day to show that I love my partner."

Personally I think all of the above approaches are wrong and here's why:

• Valentine's Day is not the be-all and end-all of life.  If you don't get a Valentine, don't take it to heart (try telling that to a teenage girl though).  The love of your life may appear on one of the other 364 days of the year.
• If you're single, don't retreat into a anti-Valentine's singles' subculture.  Not all couples get lovey-dovey on Valentine's Day.  In fact, many do nothing.  Being anti-Valentine's not only draws attention to the fact that it's Valentine's Day but can also be very discouraging to singles by reinforcing that they're SINGLE.  I found when I was single that only hanging out with singles did not solve the difficulties of singleness because they constantly kept complaining about their marital status.  I know singleness can be difficult, but I get darn sick of singles trying to ruin my happiness by constantly complaining about 'smug marrieds' and not inviting couples to things.
• Presents are good, but people give and receive love in different ways.  Don't get sucked in by the lie that your love is measured by how much you spend.  And besides, who wants to get a teddy with a love heart on it EVERY year!
• While it's good not to be seduced by the commercialism surrounding the day, don't let your relationship go stale because of a lack of romance.  I've heard so many people say, "It's all bunch of crap.  Sally knows I love her.  I don't need to get her anything.  People should love their partners every other day, not just on Valentine's Day."  Yes, that's very true.  People SHOULD do nice things for their significant other on other days of the year.  But DO THEY?  Really?  Sometimes people just say that as an excuse to be complacent and not putting enough effort into their relationship.

In regards to Valentine's Day, I am a big fan of the saying, "Redeem the day."  I've heard it mentioned a lot in relation to Christmas.  So many Christians complain about the commercialism of Christmas so they think boycotting it is the best option.  I say no, redeem the day.  Bring back its original meaning.  Valentine's Day is meant to be about showing your love for the one you love.  So show your love.  Yes, do it on all 365 days of the year but, in our busy world we often get lazy and forgetful.  Use Valentine's Day as a reminder to show your special someone how much they mean to you and it doesn't have to be expensive.  Do something that's special for both of you.  If you're single, rejoice in the love that God has for you which is more powerful than any human love.  Not in a cheesy 'Jesus is my boyfriend' way, but celebrate the love that Christ has for his bride, the church.

Do you celebrate Valentine's Day?  What sort of things do you like to do to show your partner you love them?

Lesson 10 from Sarah's School of Dating

Here is a question for both single and married people....

Would you ever use (or thought about using while single) a dating agency (either online or in person) to find a life partner?

The reason I'm asking is that such agencies seem to carry a certain disparaging stigma. I have heard many people say they are cheesy or that it makes you look desperate.

I'll be honest here...when I was single I did consider creating a profile on a relationships website such as RSVP but I never went ahead with it. Despite the dangers involved with meeting someone online, I've heard a few happy stories about people meeting online. Two of my former workmates met their partners through RSVP and one is now married and the other engaged. They said yes, there are lots of dodgy people out there, but there are also a lot of decent people who are simply looking to share their life with a special someone.

I think the reason I didn't go ahead with it was because I didn't want my despair at my singleness to dominate my life and going on dates all the time with Christian men would distract my focus. I felt God telling me to lay it at his feet and just live my life serving him. However, that's just my decision and I certainly don't believe people who meet online are doing the wrong thing. Look at blogging for example. I have 'met' many wonderful people online and I think, in this day and age, that it's considered less weird to meet online first and in person later.

I shake my head at Christians who got married at like, 19 or something, who might criticise older people for using a dating service. People who have never experienced prolonged singleness cannot relate to the battles singleness often brings. I can't even say I've experienced prolonged singleness since I married at 24, but I do know that my single years felt like an eternity at the time.

I think I'd have to say to anyone considering registering with a dating service....pray and if you feel God saying yes, go for it! Why not? Not everyone has the luxury of meeting someone through church or through Christian camps and conferences. For non Christians, it can be equally difficult to meet people if work or uni don't have eligible people and clubs/pubs aren't your scene. However, I think it's important to consider the dangers involved with meeting someone online. A few of my friends who have had online dating profiles have said they were contacted by a few weirdos as well.

So, I'd love to hear from anyone who has used a dating service or at least thought about it for half a second. How did you find it? If you decided against it, what stopped you?

Lesson 9 from Sarah's School of Dating

*Warning: movie plot spoiler alert*

Have you seen the movie My Best Friend's Wedding? In my opinion, it is one of the best movies that deals with the intricate problems with opposite sex friendships. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, the plot centres around Julianne, a single 28-year-old food critic, who discovers she is in love with her best friend, Michael, just days before he is to marry someone else. I also believe it has one of the best endings I have ever seen. Despite her attempts to sabotage the wedding plans and win Michael for herself, she fails....badly. And in the end, she has to accept that she is no longer the number 1 woman in Michael's life. While their friendship remains, his number 1 woman is now his new wife, Kimmy.

I think this movie hits the centre of the potential problems that come with opposite sex friendships. While they can be enriching and encouraging, they can also be fraught with danger. In this post, I'm going to be concentrating on opposite sex friendships where one or both friends are married. No doubt opposite sex friendships between two singles come with their own set of dilemmas but that's not what I'm going to focus on. You see, when a man and woman are both single, they are free to spend time together if they choose (obviously there is still room for misunderstanding in the relationship) but when one or both friends are married, I believe more boundaries need to be put in place.

Opposite sex friendships between married people MUST look different to the friendships we enjoy with our same sex friends. In answer to the age-old question, Can men and women be JUST friends? I say 'yes'. Absolutely. I have been greatly enriched by the friendships I have enjoyed with men. I have learnt a lot about life and about God through their perspective on the Bible and just stuff in general. But my friendships with them are different to those I have with my female friends. I don't generally meet up with them 1-1 unless we have a concrete reason for doing so and it is always in public. I don't speak to them about the intimate topics that I speak to Duncan about. Why?

Well, because I believe that between men and women there is always going to be a certain level of attraction because God has designed us that way. That doesn't mean that I have been attracted to every man I have ever known or even considered starting a relationship with all of them. It just means that often in opposite sex friendships that question arises, Could we be more than friends someday? And just because you may never have felt that way about your opposite sex friend, it doesn't mean they haven't thought that way about you.

When I first became a Christian, I met a few guys who had very strict guidelines on how they would interact with women. At first, their seemingly heavy-handed approach scared the crap out of me and I thought, Far out I'm not interested in you that way. But as the years have gone by, I have grown to respect Christian men who communicate their boundaries in opposite sex friendships in honest, caring ways. While some have come across as abrupt, others have spoken humbly and gently as they communicated their beliefs. And I respect them for it. I do not want to do anything in my friendships with them that makes them, their wife and now my husband feel uncomfortable.

Here's what I'm NOT saying. I don't mean that if you find yourself alone with a member of the opposite sex you run screaming in the other direction or rudely excuse yourself as if they orchestrated the situation. Guys, I don't mean that if you see a woman who is upset, you ignore her. It doesn't mean that is someone of the opposite sex needs a lift somewhere that you refuse and leave them stranded.

What I AM saying is that we need to have a higher respect for marriage. Now, many Christians will say that they respect the intimacy of marriage, that it is an exclusive relationship between two people. But their actions in how they interact with the opposite sex suggest the opposite. The trouble these days is that if you are married and suggest to another person that the time they spend alone with your spouse is inappropriate, then you will probably be labelled the 'jealous type'. I remember a sermon at my old church which dealt with God being rightly jealous for our hearts. After all, he created us and he alone is our God; he will not share us with idols. So in one way, it is ok to be the jealous type. Not jealous of another man/woman who is muscling in on your marriage but jealous of guarding the relationship. One of my friends is fiercely jealous for her marriage and since we think along the same lines in this issue, we have had many good conversations. She told me once that she was annoyed at another girl who had been playfully touching her husband's butt and my friend thought this was inappropriate. Now probably a lot of people would criticise my friend calling her paranoid and the 'jealous type'. Apparently in this day and age it is not good to speak up when another person's actions are making us feel threatened in our relationship, we just have to put up with it in the name of 'fun'.

I read an article that reckoned affairs often start out as innocent friendships. Slowly a man or woman begins spending time 1-1 with someone who is not their spouse. Their level of conversation deepens from social chit chat to intimate topics such as our hopes, fears and dreams. Gradually one or both began to feel disatisfied with their spouse/s. If only they could be as attentive as this person. Often the emotional affair becomes physical. A lot of us think of affairs as purely physical. What we don't realise is that there are such things as 'emotional affairs'. Marriage is meant to be the relationship where we have the deepest relationship possible with any human being. An emotional affair is when we start sharing things with a person of the opposite sex that we should be sharing with our spouse only. It may start off as phone calls or one may suggest that they meet for coffee just to 'catch up'. Suddenly their meetings aren't based around a particular activity such as work or ministry; they are meeting because they are thriving on their illicit emotional intimacy.

I can only speak from a woman's perspective here and I think a lot of men don't realise the effect their actions and words can have on women. For a single woman, life can be lonely. So when a man gives her a compliment or performs an act of kindness for her, it really can make her day. Suddenly, he becomes more attractive in her eyes. Of course, she knows he's married and would never leave his wife for her, nor does she want him to but just that little bit of attention can fuel her need to share her emotional problems. The man listens politely thinking he's just being a good friend but to the woman he is much much more. She wishes she could find someone like him to share her life with and feels special and sexy that he bothers to pay her any attention. Now, I'm not saying that all women think exactly this way but I'm trying to point out that men need to be careful. As a friend once said, a man paying special attention to a woman is like a woman flashing her breasts to a man. Do you get the picture? Probably not the message we intended to send but it was the one that was received.

Maybe that last paragraph made men feel a bit worried. I'm not saying ignore all women or cut off all your female friends. What I'm saying is that we need to see them in different contexts to what we see our same sex friends. Men, listen to your wives in this area. Most women are not the psycho 'jealous types' so if they are worried about your relationship with another woman, they probably have a good reason. Likewise, women listen to your husbands if they have concerns about your interaction with another man. We are meant to be our spouse's emotional confidante, no-one else's. Many men think they are helping a woman by being her emotional crutch whereas it would be more loving to gently suggest she share these problems with a female friend.

Like we saw in My Best Friend's Wedding, Julianne felt a little bit more than friendship for her best friend Michael. I was talking to a someone once who has a close male friend. She was talking about how her male friend had recently got a girlfriend and she was worried about this would affect their friendship and said, "She better not expect me to give up my close relationship with him." I disagreed emphatically with my friend. Their relationship MUST change when he got a girlfriend. What woman would want to share her man with another woman? This situation shows the tendency women have to be possessive over male friends they insist they have no romantic interest in. Too bad. I might have no sympathy because I have no close male friends but I know I would not want to share Duncan with any other woman nor would I want another woman to be sharing intimate things with him that are meant to be kept from me. A friend of mine has the right idea. When a good male friend of hers got married, she sought to befriend his wife and include her in everything they did. There were no secrets and she sought to make sure there was no doubt AT ALL in the wife's mind about her intentions. In My Best Friend's Wedding, we can see that Julianne and Michael's friendship was fraught with danger from the start. He was still sharing intimate details from him and Kimmy's relationship with Julianne. As a woman, I think this is the ultimate betrayal and that's what a man's mates are for.

One of the common objections to a suspicious husband/wife is for the other spouse to say, "You don't trust me enough." I think that's misguided. We should be asking ourselves, Are we showing with our actions that we are trustworthy? In some ways, I don't trust my sinful nature or other women. There is nothing Satan would love more than for our marriages to fail because of adultery. Let's treat the opposite sex with integrity, purity and have firm boundaries.

Lesson 8 from Sarah's School of Dating

In the last two lessons I wrote about the importance of finding a partner who is Christian, of the opposite sex, free to marry, and not a blood relative.  That this still leaves a heck of a lot of potential spouses to choose from. The last lesson was about 'secondary factors' i.e. having things in common, and heading in the same direction in life.

Ok, so you've found someone to date who meets all of those criteria. Not to mention they are a godly person keen to follow the Lord Jesus wherever He takes them. You think this person could possibly be 'the one'.

But someone else disagrees.

Yes, this post is about when you experience opposition to your relationship.

In many ways, this is one of the hardest posts I will probably ever write. You may have read all of my dating posts and thought Sarah knows crap all about dating. Well, that's fine.  I probably have crapped on about a lot of things, but I do have experience with this topic. I have eluded to it on my blog many times and with this post it will probably all make sense. The post on inviting enemies to parties, how the first few months of my relationship with Duncan were so difficult for both of us, how someone wanted us to break up, the series I did on forgiveness. We've 'lived' this post.

I know some people reading this will know exactly the person and the events I am referring to. I also know some will not approve of me putting this on the net, believing it should be forgotten about and never mentioned again. But I can't do that. I believe God gives us painful experiences for a reason, and one of those reasons is to bring help and healing to those who are going through something similar. If you're experiencing opposition to your relationship and have done nothing wrong (such as running off with someone else's partner, for example) then please be assured that you are NOT alone. Unfortunately our experience is more common in churches than it should be. I will not mention names in this post. I will simply try to relay my experiences and feelings from two years ago, and what I have learnt from that time.

This is our story.....

It all began on the 5th January 2007 when Duncan and I became a couple. I was ecstatic to say the least. Two days later, trouble started.

I told a friend at church that I was going out with Duncan. I thought she'd be happy. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was told that Duncan and I weren't right for each other, that he was bad, that she couldn't be happy for me, that I was making a huge mistake. I was stunned, disappointed and a bit annoyed, but not too fazed at the time. She'd get over it. There was no way I was going to break up with my hot new man.

The next day at work, the text messages started. More of the same. That she couldn't be my friend anymore until Duncan and I were no longer together. That she was 'concerned' for me. That she knew things about Duncan - bad things - that I didn't know and it was her duty to warn me. I always left my mobile on at work in case of emergencies, but then it started ringing. Apparently this person had been ringing a mutual friend of ours and told her to ring me and pass on what she had said. To say the least, I absolutely lost it at this mutual friend. I told her that if this person wanted to speak to me she could jolly well ring me herself instead of using other people to pass on messages and sending texts all the time, that it was cowardly. And I did NOT want them to call me at work.

My workmates were now very confused and curious about what was going on. When I explained it to them, they told me I should punch this person in the head. It was very tempting, but not a good idea. The texts kept coming when I got home, but I'll never know just how many were sent because my phone was stuffed at the time. Sometimes only half a text came through and, as soon as I read it, I had to delete it, otherwise no-one else could text me. It was a problem with the phone's memory, I think. It might have just been a blessing in disguise.

So the first couple of weeks of our relationship, the time when it should have been fun and exciting, were spent on the phone to this person, trying to appease them while I just got more of the same - that Duncan wasn't what he appeared, that I'd end up hurt. I felt angry and patronised, but then the worst thing happened - I started to doubt my man. I actually started to wonder if there was some truth behind what this person was saying. The seed of doubt had been sown. Duncan and I spent many hours of the phone, agonising over the future of our relationship which was just days old. He'd received texts too, threatening that he'd be bashed up if he hurt me. He'd just laughed about that one, but he did say that it was frustrating because he was three hours away and that he felt his reputation was taking a battering in the church, and he couldn't defend himself.

At this stage, everyone who knew about our relationship had been most supportive and pleased for us. Some people reckoned we made a great match. One friend admitted she'd contemplated setting us up before. These comments were coming from godly people in my church who I respect. But still I doubted.

Two weeks into our relationship, we went to the wedding of some good friends. There we were ignored and glared at by this person. We were on the same reception table which was most uncomfortable, but I didn't dare say anything to the newlyweds. It was their wedding and they didn't need any more stress, but, apparently, just days before the wedding, they became aware of the situation. We have received nothing but support from this couple since Day One and we consider them among our closest friends.  They were there for us when everything was very tough.

At the reception, I became sick and had to lie down for the last half of it. Although I didn't feel overly stressed, I think a fortnight of stress had taken its toll on my body and I broke down. Stress really can make you sick!

 The text messages started to die off after that, but the person still didn't approve of our relationship. We had to sneak into an engagement party because this person said that if we showed up we'd be very sorry. Now I think the Sarah of 2009 would have just said "Stuff you!" and rocked up with her man on her arm, but I was so stressed and confused, I made some silly decisions. I was desperate to keep the situation a secret from my church. I don't know why, but I thought I could handle it myself. But gradually more and more people found out, including our pastor, and offered us support. I am still grateful to those people to this day. One friend said that if we were to break up, then it shouldn't be because someone decided they didn't like it, it should be because we weren't right for each other. Another told me that I was so strong, that they'd be tempted just to break up with the guy to get some peace and be left alone. I was far from strong, but I think that was my dilemma. I didn't want to break up with Duncan.  I just wanted the whole scenario to be over and was willing to make some rash decisions to stop the stress.

Then what Duncan and I called the 'fog' started. My head was a mess. I couldn't go to church without being scowled at and ignored by this person.  I had to sit in front of them so I could concentrate on the sermon. It was suggested to me that I change churches until it all blew over, but I refused. I liked my church. I wasn't going to run away. I think this whole experience was why I was very hesistant about our engagement at first because this person had told me a few months earlier that if we ever got engaged, we could expect more of the same treatment. Basically, my feelings would fluctuate between being in love with Duncan and feeling we should break up. I was so worried and so confused, it became taxing on my health. Some close friends knew how I was feeling, but I tried to keep it hidden from most people. This time was very hard on Duncan because it felt like he was going out with two different Sarahs - one who was enthusiastic about the relationship, and the other who he felt could break up with him at any moment. He told me he loved me, but I couldn't say it back because I didn't know how much longer the relationship would continue. The 'fog' was torture and it lasted several months. I remember one afternoon I was on annual leave from work.  Duncan and I were watching a movie at my house, and I just started shaking, and my teeth felt like they were chattering. I tried to tell myself that I was on HOLIDAYS, and I shouldn't be feeling stressed and panicky all the time, but my body would not listen to my head.

The 'fog' came to a head when Duncan met my family in Albany for the first time. On the morning we headed home, I broke down in tears. My mum couldn't understand why I was considering breaking up with such a great guy. I had told her nothing at this stage because she had been very anti-Christian and thought all Christians were loony tunes.  I didn't want her to think all Christians tried to break up people in relationships. That was another mistake. I really needed her support, and when I finally told her, she was very angry at this person because she knew her personally and liked her. My mum is fierce hehe.

That day was a turning point. A friend persuaded me to meet up with a woman at her church who is a counsellor, and it was the best decision I made. The counsellor helped me see that this was NOT my fault, that I was not a bad person and neither was Duncan for becoming a couple, and that it happens in churches more often than I had realised - two people get together and a third party (usually a single) has 'issues' with it. Duncan and I were free to marry if we chose and no-one else could dictate whether we did or not. We read Scripture together and she prayed for me.  I began to feel better and more together for the first time in months.

Eventually the pastor and elders intervened and the person left the church. I am saddened by what happened to this friendship, but I was made to choose - the friend or the man - and, well, it's obvious who I chose, isn't it? If I had to make the same choice again, I would, but it isn't easy when you're the person making the choice. I have witnessed situations before where there's been a 'love triangle' at church, but I never ever thought I'd be a part of one. A close friend went through a tough time when she started going out with her boyfriend (now husband); she copped a lot of flak from his ex and kept getting emails from this girl saying that he was evil etc. They held on and weathered the storm and the ex-girlfriend eventually left the church. This friend was a valuable support to me which is why I believe God gives us horrible experiences for a reason.  Not so we can shove them away and never talk about them again, or bitch about the people involved, but so we can use them to help others.

While I am sad at the loss of what I considered a good friendship, I would not change anything. I think the whole experience has 'hardened' me, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I think the Sarah of 2008/2009 would advise the Sarah of 2007 to tell anyone who was interfering without a valid reason to go shove it where they can't see the light of day! That's why when I hear people bitching about couples, saying they aren't right for each other, I get VERY angry, and tell them that if they don't have a good reason for these statements they should keep their nasty little mouths shut. Unless there is a good reason to be worried about someone's relationship (such as one person is not Christian or recently separated, living a secret ungodly lifestyle etc) then our opinions are merely that...OPINIONS. I remember when people started commenting when a couple of friends of ours got together because she was 10 years older. I mean, what does that matter? They're a great couple and really suit each other. I'm sick and tired of people making judgements unnecessarily.

Part of me is still sad that Duncan and I 'lost' the first few months of our relationship, a time where we should have been having fun and enjoying getting to know each other. But we can't change the past. We've moved on. The friendship is still not what it was and, to be honest, I don't want it to be. I'm happy to chat to this person if we see each other through mutual friends, but the events of early 2007 soured things and I'm more wary about trusting people now.

Here is my advice to couples facing opposition:

• Seek out godly mentors: This is something I wish I'd done when I was single. If you're single, look around your church and witness who are the godly people. Which couples by the fruit of their lives would you want to speak into your life and give you relationship advice? And yes I said couples because they are the ones who generally have more relationship experience. I'm not meaning to offend singles here but this experience has made me wary. If a godly couple sees something wrong in your relationship they would usually have a good reason. There have been too many cases where a single's 'advice' has been based on them wanting their friend's partner for themselves or not wanting their friend to have a partner if they can't.
• Don't listen to everybody: I used to think we need to let anyone who's a Christian speak into our lives. Bollocks! You need to pick and choose who you listen to. What is their motivation for opposing your relationship? Are they living a godly life? You do NOT have to take advice from all your Christian friends. Do not listen to everyone's opinions.  It will do your head in.
• Listen to what God says in His Word: If you have met someone who is godly and meets the criteria, then go for it. Don't listen to meddling people who say you aren't right for each other. That's for you to decide. God has told us what is important to look for in a spouse, and He entrusts his children to make wise decisions.
• Don't put pressure on yourself to know too soon: I think part of my problem with the 'fog' was that I was putting so much pressure on myself to know whether Duncan was 'the one' too soon. I felt like I needed some 'sign' to know if we should be married so I would know whether all this stress was worth it. Try to take it slow, despite the opposition and pressure.
• Rejoice with those who rejoice: Yes, if you're single that might mean you have to put on a happy face for a friend who's in a new relationship despite your despair at your own singleness. I'm sorry to say when I was single that I did not rejoice with my friends who met their life partners before I did. I didn't oppose them, but I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I could have been more supportive. Other people have often had to wait a long time too.
• Sometimes we have to intervene: Too often we see conflict and then stick our heads in the sand, thinking we shouldn't get involved because it doesn't concern us. Sometimes we need to get involved, however uncomfortable it may be. I don't know where I'd be if people hadn't intervened.
• Pray and read the Bible: A friend shared with me Philippians 4:6-7 which was a great comfort. Even when I was too woolly-headed to pray, knowing that others were praying for our relationship still makes me praise God to this day.

I told Duncan tonight that I'm so glad things turned out the way they did, and that I shudder when I think I could have broken up with such a godly, caring man. If you're facing opposition with no good reason behind it, then cling tight to God, and He will get you through the storm.

Congrats if you read through all that. It's also my 400th post. Yay!

Lesson 7 from Sarah's School of Dating

I can see you all peeing from excitement that I have written the next installment in this series ;)

In my previous lesson, I discussed important factors to consider for a single Christian seeking a godly Christian spouse. It seems that the essential ones are for your potential spouse to be of the opposite sex, free to marry (ie. not already married), Christian and not a blood relative (despite it sounding weird, it IS ok for stepsiblings to marry each other).

However once you've ruled out anyone who doesn't meet those criteria, it still leaves a heck of a lot of people. I remember once sitting in a lecture theatre at uni while the Christian Union had their weekly Bible talk. There were a LOT of single guys there and potentially I could have married any of them (as long as they were willing to marry me of course). And I did meet quite a few guys who had that idea; that is, they wanted to get married and didn't see 'secondary factors' as a big deal. They didn't care if their wife wasn't into soccer like they were, they just thought it was important that she be Christian and keen to serve the Lord.....and that's it.

For me, as a young Christian, this was scary stuff to hear. Having grown up with a non Christian dating mindset, I saw 'secondary factors' such as family background, ethnicity/culture, hobbies/interests, age and denomination as having the utmost importance. I didn't think both spouses being Christian was enough and I still don't really. Sure it is one of the most IMPORTANT things but it's not the only thing. If you have nothing in common outside of being Christian, then what on earth are you going to spend your time doing together? When the initial passion of marriage fades a little, do you still have a friendship as well as a marriage?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to marry someone who is an exact clone of yourself but of the opposite sex. Differences are good as long as the couple aren't blase about them and are willing to face and work through them. I think you still need to have stuff in common and be willing to move in the same direction. By that I mean you desire to walk along a common path. For example, it would create problems if one partner wanted to be a missionary in China and the other wanted to stay in Australia. As I've found just in 10 months of marriage, sometimes you need to be willing to hand over the cherished dreams you had when you were single and be willing to create new dreams and directions together with your spouse.

I think many people are single today because they have very rigid ideas of what their future spouse will be like and refuse to sway from them. I know deep down many of us have a 'list' containing the qualities we would like in a life partner....I did. But it annoys me when people are too open about their lists and it just ends up making others feel they aren't good enough, that they don't measure up to this person's ideals so they move on to look elsewhere. Before I met Duncan, I did have qualities I wanted in a life partner but I tried to keep them general and kept in mind that God knows best and I needed to be open to his leading. I used to get so turned off by guys who had a 10 year plan and bluntly stated that they wanted a woman who would fit into their plan. It's fine to have goals and a clear idea about how you want to serve God but you also need to consider that if you marry, your spouse will also have their dreams and I think it's selfish to just expect someone else to fit the picture of your ideal partner. God may just provide the person you always hoped for but I think you need to be open and prayerful about where God will lead you.

I will share some of things I had on my list of qualities in a life partner:

• A desire to grow in love and knowledge of God. Not puffed up in arrogance or looking down on others who know less.
• Accepting of my desire to write books.
• Encouraging and generous with their time and money but also someone with firm boundaries.
• Someone I could be open with, sharing my dreams and fears with and knowing they wouldn't laugh or judge me.
• Someone who wouldn't expect me to be something I'm not or fulfil a certain stereotypical role. I had issues about marrying men who were leaders in ministry because I knew I'd never be able to be the type of pastor's wife that so many people would expect.
• Able to look after himself, cook basic meals, keep his house clean etc. After student housing there was no way I was going to marry a feral bloke who would expect me to clean up after him. I like guys whose mothers have trained them to look after themselves so even if they are lifelong bachelors, they can cook more than two-minute noodles once in a while.
• Wise in the way they use their money. Not a materialistic spendthrift.
• On a more superficial level, I did hope they would be an Eagles' supporter or at least a fence-sitter (it makes things MUCH easier hehe). I always did have a thing for sporty guys. It must be from growing up in the country.
• Someone who has respect for the law ie. not doing stupid things like drag-racing or burning CDs and thinking there's nothing wrong with it.
• Likes animals and doesn't think it's funny to be cruel to them.
• Willing to have children one day.

That's as much as I can think of at the moment. Remember, singleness and dating is a time for evaluating potential partners. If you decide the differences are too great to work through, don't feel you have to because others have managed to work through the exact same problems and have a fabulous marriage. You are under no obligation to marry anyone. For example, I know someone who said he couldn't marry someone who has a mental illness (he has his reasons and it's not because he's mentally ill). There is no shame in being honest, even if it does sound hurtful. Of course, it would be completely different if one spouse was to become ill after they were married because we vow to love in sickness AND in health. If you're someone who is ill, old, has children from a prior relationship or anything else that makes you think that no-one will ever want to marry you, please don't believe this. God is indeed mighty enough to bring someone into your life who will accept you in your circumstances.

Now that you've read my 'list', I'd like to read yours. If you're single, what secondary factors are you looking for in a potential spouse? If you're married, what did you look for and does your spouse have all of those qualities? Remember this blog has jack all readers anyway, so feel free to be honest ;)

Lesson 6 from Sarah's School of Dating

Ok, ok I know this is an age-old question (especially among Christians) and there are probably plenty of posts on this topic scattered throughout the blogosphere.

"Should a Christian date/marry a non-Christian?" (or not yet Christian for those who prefer this term).

My answer is short and blunt.

"Certainly not!"

Lesson over!

Ok, no seriously I will provide some insight into why I think this way ;) It would be a bit of a rip-off lesson otherwise.

Firstly, I think God tells us in scripture to marry someone who shares our faith. Yes, I'm going to quote verses we've probably all heard before.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
2 Corinthians 6:14-15

Now, I know that Paul isn't referring to marriage here although it IS the most commonly quoted verse that Christians use to say that Christians and non Christians marrying each other is unwise. In context, Paul is telling the Corinthians not to be yoked to false teachers but the principle can be applied to other areas of our lives as well.

A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:39

If you read the whole of 1 Corinthians 7 it goes on to refute the idea that a believer should divorce their unbelieving spouse. If they are already married and the unbelieving spouse would like to continue in the marriage, then they must definitely not divorce.

Keeping God's commands in this area is what counts, regardless of whether or not we marry. Now I know that this area causes much pain to those Christians who are single, especially when a perfectly nice non Christian catches our eye. The Christian pond is small and many of the fish in it are either already taken, unsuitable or disinterested. I really feel for those single women in their thirties who feel that their biological clock is ticking and time is running out. I found my singleness a struggle so please don't think I'm saying 'obey God' flippantly. I know it's hard!

A couple of years ago I had a pivotal conversation with a Christian friend which helped me get some perspective. Both of us were single at the time and I guessed it was a struggle for him too. He said that for a Christian to place their desire for marriage above God's commands is actually idolatry. We might not think so at the time, but when a Christian becomes so desperate to marry that they marry a non believer because of the lack of suitable Christian partners, they are actually saying to God, "I think it's more important that I marry than obey your commands. I know better than you, God." It's sad but I know of a few Christian women who, desperate to have children, married non Christian men and now realise that the faith issue causes a lot of problems in their marriage.

We might think that sounds harsh but as I thought about it, I realised it was true for me. My friend wasn't having a go at me, I think he was just saying what he'd realised for himself as well. I was an idolater...I still am. We all are in different ways. Many a time I'd considered hooking up with the good looking non Christian guy at work (if he was willing) because I was so lonely. Marriage was more important to me than God and at times I was willing to disobey him to get it. It was a sobering reminder that God is the King of my life and from that moment, I knew that singleness was a better lifelong option than marrying someone who did not share my first love. It was the only time that I truly felt content in my singleness. Singleness is a time to trust God rather than saying, "screw you God, I'll marry who I want."

We can look around us and see the negative consequences of marriage between believing and unbelieving spouses. I'm sure many of us have friends or acquaintances who have gone down that path. The trouble is not every marriage between a Christian and non Christian will be difficult. I know examples of such couples who have great marriages. And I'm sure we know of situations where the non Christian spouse has become a Christian ('flirt to convert' or 'missionary dating' if you like.)

I think too many Christians are caught up in consequences. That is, we'll do something if it has a good outcome regardless of whether God says it is wise. So we see examples of where a non believing spouse has come to the Lord and think, Cool, I'll give that a go, then. It might happen to me too.

God is merciful and kind. He can use our stuff ups and disobedience to bring people to himself. But that doesn't give us a licence to disobey him because he might bring good out of it. Nor should we look at statistics and real life examples as a reason to obey over what God has clearly said. We can see evidence of why God said it is unwise but even if we couldn't we should still trust and obey, knowing that he is our Heavenly Father and has our good in mind. Like I said, there are a number of reasons why Christian-non Christian marriage is not recommended.

• Do you really want to marry someone who doesn't share your greatest love, Jesus. Would your marriage be as close as it could be if Jesus means nothing to them? Do you want to go to church on your own, never have your spouse to pray with and encourage one another from Scripture?
• How would you deal with it if your unbelieving spouse NEVER became a Christian? Too often we go into marriage expecting the other person to change once we've married.
• The kids issue. It becomes a problem when the kids are torn between the opposing faiths of the parents. One parent goes to church and the other doesn't. A friend of mine told me about her friend who has a non-Christian husband and now her sons don't want to go to church because Daddy doesn't.
• Our culture has tried to separate dating and marriage. If you've decided not to marry a non Christian then what's the point of dating one? Then there's the whole sex before marriage issue.
• So often either the love gives way for the faith or the faith gives way for the love. And when the latter happens it is very very sad. We shouldn't underestimate the impact a mixed marriage like this can have and the influence a non believing spouse can have on us.
• Even non Christians can see the dilemmas. A non Christian friend of mine said, "I wouldn't want to marry a Christian. It would just create a whole lot of problems."

Am I saying that marrying a fellow believer will guarantee you a great marriage? No, even Christian couples fight ('amen' many of you say to that) but when it comes to the crunch it's about trusting and obeying God in my opinion.

I know there will always be grey areas here. For example, I know of one defacto couple who were both non Christians and had children. The woman became a Christian and decided she wanted to get married but her partner didn't...even after she asked him several times. He didn't want to end the relationship, he was just perfectly happy with how things were. The woman was now in the situation where she could either end the relationship with her partner or keep going as things were. In the end, she said to God, "God, I view this as a marriage." This a tricky situation but I think it's far different for a single Christian to deliberately go and marry a non believer.

Hamo wrote a good post on the topic of Christian-non Christian marriage a while ago. It mentions the importance of looking for a godly partner, not just someone who merely professes faith.

The next question is......are being Christian, of the opposite sex, free to marry (ie. not already married) and not a relative the most important factors? Do secondary factors such as culture, denominational difference, family background, interests/hobbies count?

More in the next lesson. For now, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this one.

Thoughts?

Lesson 5 from Sarah's School of Dating

This is your favourite series......admit it! ;)

Dr. Sarah from Sarah's School of Dating is back for all of your relationship needs. Today's topic came from a suggestion in the comments section on a previous post in this series. Yes, it's taken me nearly a year to get around to posting on this but better late than never...right?

The biggest issue for me is what "I" do to 'flirt or show an interest often ISN'T meant that way when a girl does it to me...but because its what I do I can't help but think 'are they interested in me?'

So let's talk about flirting.....

• What do you do when you think someone is flirting/interested in you but you don't return that interest?
• Is flirting wrong or part of the process of being 'chased' or doing the 'chasing'?

Let's start off with a scenario:
Jade is interested in Mike and being not very subtle about it. In fact, she's so obvious that a lot of her female friends and acquaintances have noticed even though she hasn't exactly told many of them. Meanwhile, Mike is oblivious to what's going on and he thinks Jade is just being friendly. Jade is trying all sorts of things to get Mike's attention including suddenly becoming very interested in golf (a passion of Mike's) and has started organising 'golf days' even though she has never been interested in golf before. In fact, many of Jade's friends are getting a bit cheesed off as they suspect they're only being invited so Jade can call it a 'group activity' and she doesn't care less whether they're there or not.......she just wants to get close to Mike.

As a bystander who has noticed what is going on, what would you do?
a) Nothing, it's none of my business. Let them sort it out.
b) Confront Mike and let him know (politely) that Jade is interested in him and he'd have to be blind not to notice what's going on.

Okay, pretend you're Mike and one of your friends has just chosen option B. After finding out about Jade's interest in you, what would you do next? (We'll presume that Mike does not return Jade's feelings)
a) Confront Jade and let her down gently, saying you're sorry but you just see her as a friend.
b) Confront Jade and tell her you're not impressed at her manipulation of using his favourite activity to get close to him and that you're not interested.
c) Ignore it, stick your head in the sand and hope she gets over it.
d) Flirt madly with her even though you're not interested. It's just a bit of harmless fun, right?

I think it's true to an extent that girls know other girls' sets of tricks (probably because they've used those tricks themselves) and guys can tell who other guys are interested in.

For the first scenario, I'd be tempted to choose A and do nothing but in certain circumstances it might be okay to confront one of the people involved if they are getting themselves into dodgy settings. I've seen the following scenario before and it often ends badly.

Sally is interested in Nick and decides to organise some activities to get closer to him. First she organises 'group activities' of things that he likes (like Jade did). Nick seems completely oblivious and thinks Sally is just being friendly. Then she invites Nick over to dinner at her place when no-one else is home. Nick goes along happily (alarm bells should start sounding right now). Sally continues to organise 1-1 activities between her and Nick, believing that since he is accepting her invitations, he must be interested. Meanwhile Nick has no such feelings for Sally and eventually she finds this out. Then she gets really angry at Nick for not turning down one of her 'dates' earlier and letting her know that he never felt that way. Sally doesn't speak to him again.

So who's wrong - Sally or Nick? Well, although Sally is organising some pretty dodgy 'settings', it really is up to Nick to be honest and not just go along with it because he enjoys the attention. Since he is a bit naive, that's why option B (the quiet word in his ear from a friend) may be helpful. It's not about being cruel and humiliating Sally...but it's far kinder to set her straight early.

Back to Mike and Jade. Say a friend chose option B and mentioned to Mike that Jade is interested in him. Should he ignore it or confront her. Confronting is definitely the scary option. I would probably only do it if their behaviour was really inappropriate e.g. touching etc. But then I reckon we all feel rather uncomfortable approaching someone and asking them if they're interested in us. To me, it feels kind of arrogant.

I think it's important that everyone has their own set of boundaries in regards to places they go with members of the opposite sex. Some guys I know would never have accepted Sally's invitation whether they were interested in her or not, because the setting screams dodginess. You need to work out your own boundaries and stick to them. That way if someone asks you to cross them, you can politely decline.

So is Jade wrong for using Mike's favourite pastime to get close to him? Personally, I think yes although I'm sure some people will disagree. Jade was never interested in golf before she started liking Mike and it's doubtful whether her sudden interest in the sport will continue when she stops liking Mike. Don't get me wrong, it's good to try new things - who know you might start to like them. But I think it's far better to be yourself. I wouldn't be that impressed if someone suddenly became a big Eagles' fan because they were trying to get my attention ;)

Is flirting wrong then or is it just part of the 'dating game'? There's no doubt it can be fun but like in the Sally and Nick scenario, it can turn sour very quickly. Sally eventually expected Nick to express interest in her or 'ask her out'. When he didn't make a move and it turned out he wasn't interested, she became angry at him for going along with her. Sometimes the only kind thing to do is to let someone down gently.

It's wrong to flirt with someone if you're not interested in them. Those of us who have been 'led on' by someone will understand. If we are to love each other, then it's not very loving to lead people on. No-one wants to end up married to a serial flirt who is always in need of attention from the opposite sex.

Even if ARE interested, don't flirt for ages with them before making your move/initiating a relationship.

If you're not sure if someone is flirting with you or not and you're definitely NOT interested in them, don't ignore them or be rude. Just be friendly but set firm boundaries for yourself.

What are your thoughts? Share your experiences (if you're willing - you can be anonymous) If you were the characters in the scenarios, which option would you choose?

Perhaps I should submit this for Dolly ;)

Lesson 4 from Sarah's School of Dating

Its been a while....

But it's back!!!

My half serious/half light-hearted attempt to be the next guru of the dating world is up to its fourth installment. If you missed the first three lessons - where were you?

Here's your chance to catch up
Lesson 1 - How to reject the offer of a relationship nicely and truthfully
Lesson 2 - What to do when your friend likes the same person as you but that person wants you.
Lesson 3 - Should girls ask guys out?

Now onto Lesson 4....

I had a few ideas about what Lesson 4 was going to be about but then I looked back at my posts last week and realised that they were dominated by the 'M' word.....marriage!

Marriage, weddings, couples, love, romance, 'I do', happily ever after. For some, looking at the photos of weddings I've been to this year and reading about my housemate's wedding may have brought joy and delight. It may have made others think, 'well I'm glad those people are so happy and have found their true love.....but what about me?'

I love weddings! I love seeing people happy, the pretty dresses, the flowers, the cake and the dancing at the reception. I used to have such a good time at weddings but after a while my happiness started to sink soon after the wedding was over. Then it became a painful reminder that I was still alone.

Now that I have Duncan, it's not a struggle anymore but that doesn't mean I don't understand what some single people are going through....and the lies single people are tempted to believe.

For this lesson, I want to bring you some encouragement if you're single. If you're married, engaged or dating someone then this post may help you too in what you say to your single friends....and what not to say.

Last Christmas, I received the book Moments for Singles by Leigh McLeroy as a present from a friend. This friend obviously assumed that I was going through the singles blues and that the book would be helpful. What she didn't know was this couldn't have been further from the truth. I HAD been going through a tough time being single but finally I felt content in my singleness and God had changed me, giving me peace that he was in control, he knew what was best for me and he was more than capable of providing a partner for me if it was his will. Then less than two weeks later, I started going out with Duncan.

So I had a book that probably didn't apply to my life at this point in time but as I flicked through it, one bit really stood out and I knew I could use it to encourage other singles.

This is my summary....

LIES SINGLES BELIEVE

1. You must be perfect (or considerably better than you are now) to be married.

What a load of codswallop....but this was one of the very lies I believed when I was single. I thought that when I reached a certain stage of maturity in my Christian walk, then God would bring my Prince Charming across my path. I'd look at other couples and wonder. What was it that they had that I didn't? I came to the logical conclusion that they must be better than me and if only I could become like them, then I'd get what I wanted and life would be better.

Newsflash! Married people are NOT better than single people. I know some lovely single people and some pretty rotten married people (even Christians) so that throws that theory out the window. And it's not a maturity thing either. There are some pretty immature married Christian couples out there too. Just because I'm with Duncan now does not make me a better person than I was six months ago. Although I hope Duncan and I can spur each other on to love and good deeds, you don't need a romantic partner to do that. Duncan is not my reward for being a good person, he is a gift from God because God is kind - not because I deserve it.

2. Marriage is a merit badge for spiritual maturity.

I fell for this one big time! The trouble is a lot of well-meaning people will say, 'when you finally give it over to God, he will bring you a mate.' Then you get couples starting to tell you how they got to the point of despair and said 'God I give up' and he brought them a spouse. Couples, please don't make finding a mate sound like some special spiritual formula that must be followed and it likens God to some kind of genie. Nobody finally 'gives it all' to God. We are all in the process of being transformed - singles and couples.

3. Your standards are too high.

Another lie I believed. I don't think there's anything wrong with having high standards. The Bible tells us what qualities to look for in a spouse and these are to do with CHARACTER. It becomes a problem if people want a PERFECT spouse or place too much emphasis on the physical appearance they want their spouse to have (ie. tall with short blonde spikey hair, a six pack and a tattoo of a dragon on their left shoulder). I had people who suggested to me I was single because I wouldn't consider a non Christian for a spouse. If you're a Christian and waiting for a godly Christian spouse, then can I encourage you to keep trusting God with this? I'm not saying non Christians are bad but the Bible is clear that Christians are to marry Christians and non Christians are to marry non Christians.

4. There is no-one left worth having.

You're left aren't you? You're worth having. I remember cringing when friends who were in relationships used to say 'I got the last good man.' I almost cried when I heard that and reinforced the lie I was believing that there was no-one left for me. Couples, please do not say such things, even if you are joking. It sounds very insensitive to single people.

5. You're being punished.

I assumed I was single because all the bad stuff I'd done in the past had come back to bite me on the bum. Not true. It's not about karma and it makes wrong assumptions about God. It assumes he is not a God of grace and that married people are married because they've earned it. In Christ, God has withheld what we really deserve and that is punishment by death for our sin at great cost to himself. He has graciously forgiven us.

This was based on Moment Ten: The Ring Game from Moments For Singles by Leigh Mc Leroy. (C) 2004. Navpress.

Be encouraged by Charles Spurgeon - "The longer the blessing is in coming, the richer it will be when it arrives. The blessing which costs us the most prayer will be worth the most."

Lesson 3 from Sarah's School of Dating

It's baaaaaaaaaaack! The dating school that answers all your burning questions about one of the most talked about topics in Christian circles (well kind of).

I must confess, I again struggled with my motives for reviving the dating school. Now suppose, just suppose that all of my 'graduates' go on to become happily married one day partly because of advice they heard on this blog (God would also have a big hand in them getting married of course). Maybe they'll all be married and I'll be a shrivelled old spinster lady watching from afar. Hmmmmm, maybe that's just selfish and if people enjoy this dating school then I'll keep it going. Besides, I've looked at my previous couple of posts which all have 0 comments. I got 18 on the last dating post (even though many of them were me responding). Time to bump up my number of comments people!!!

As I promised in the comments section of Lesson 2, this lesson is going to be all about whether girls should ask guys out, initiate romantic relationships/courtships - however you want to put it. There is so much debate on this topic amongst Christians. On one side we have the 'Men should do it' group and on the other side we have the 'It doesn't matter' group. I'm going to explore the arguments of both and then offer my opinion. Then I'd like you to leave a comment and let me know yours.

MEN SHOULD DO IT
This group firmly believes that men should initiate romantic relationships with women as this is a fulfilment of their God-given role to lead. To support their arguments, they often quote Ephesians 5:22-33 about the husband being the head of the wife and argue that if a man is to lead a relationship, that should include starting it in the first place. If the woman initiates it then that will set a bad pattern if the couple marry with the wife leading her husband.
Here are some sites/blogs I've found which believe that men should be initiators.
http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/courtship/index.html (read the first two posts).
http://www.crosswalk.com/community/singles/1313228.html
Last year I received the following forwarded email:
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!"
Basically, the argument is that men are built to pursue and when they want a relationship, no amount of shyness or fear of rejection is going to stop them. The woman's role is to wait for the right man to come along, although this doesn't mean women have to be passive and can't develop friendships with men. Men learn to trust God by asking, despite fear of rejection. Women learn to trust God by waiting and resisting temptation to 'make something happen'.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
As you may have guessed (well duh)...this group believe it doesn't matter whether the man or the woman initiates the relationship. There is no scripture that says the man must do it, only that the husband should lead in marriage. Many guys echo this statement by saying they like it when a woman approaches them because it takes the pressure off.

There are the arguments. Where do I stand? Personally, I prefer to be asked by the guy and I believe women can make it easier for guys by being gracious and truthful, even if they want to decline his offer (see Lesson 1). I'd rather be chased than have to drop hints. I really don't think it's my role as a woman. However, that doesn't mean I look down on women who ask men out.

What do you think? Guys, are you pursuers or are you quite happy for women to ask you out? Girls, are you waiters or do you like making the first move? Do you have a set opinion or really don't care?

Read the articles/blogs I linked to and comment away.

Lesson 2 from Sarah's School of Dating

Finally it's back! After a 3 month hiatus, my dating school has been revived (not that it really died, it was more like it was in a deep sleep). I'm no expert and I doubt my opinions represent all women but then I thought I might as well keep it going. You may get a laugh. You may learn something. And remember, like I said before, it's your choice to be here. If you're looking for a matchmaker, pics of single Christians or a dating agency, you're in the wrong place. This is an educational series - for both men and women.

For those who missed Lesson 1 or would like a refresher, go here.

Since I'm a woman, Lesson 2 is going to be all about some behaviour I've observed in different women (although I'm not suggesting all women are like this). Let's start with a (fictional) story:

Susie has realised she is developing feelings for a friend at her church, Phil. She decides against letting one of her female friends know and instead keeps her growing feelings to herself. There are a number of reasons for this:
a) She's afraid one of her female friends won't be able to keep their mouth shut and she'll become the butt of church gossip. Phil will find out and there is a chance she could lose his friendship.
b) She doesn't want her feelings towards Phil to become infatuation. She's been there before - having crushes that have developed into obsessive feelings that have gone on for years, feeling jealous of other girls and seeing them as love rivals, becoming discontent in her singleness and not focusing on what God would have her do now. Susie is aware of the dangers of 'dating Phil in her mind' and instead decides to submit her feelings to God, asking that if it is not his will, to take the feelings for Phil away.

So Susie keeps her feelings for Phil under wraps and no-one has a clue. Then one day, her friend Julie (also from the same church) announces to her in confidence that she has feelings for Phil. She also announces rather bluntly that Susie had better not ever develop feelings for Phil as well. Susie almost smiles at how ironic Julie's statement is - if only she knew. But inside Susie is torn and almost angry. She feels Julie has just squashed any chance she had with Phil. Julie has 'claimed' Phil for herself, even though they are not together, and she has also announced that even if she can't have Phil, no-one else can. Of course, Phil may not be interested in either Susie or Julie so there's no problem but Susie is annoyed about Julie's attitude of 'reserving' guys for herself and declaring that no-one else can have them. Susie also knows that Julie has two other guys from church that she has 'reserved' as potential partners for herself and told other girls to 'back off'.

Time goes on and Susie doesn't dare tell Julie that they like the same man. Julie is her friend and there seems no point in having a conflict over a guy that neither of them might end up with. The one day, Phil approaches Susie about starting a relationship. Their friendship had been growing closer recently and they'd been spending more time together, much to Julie's obvious jealousy. Susie is immediately torn. She genuinely likes Phil and considers him potential marriage material. She's not liking Phil simply to spite Julie and badly wants to say 'yes' to him. Yet, she knows that Julie won't speak to her again. What should Susie do?

This may seem like a Christianised version of Mills and Boon or Neighbours but, if you're a woman, I think we've all known a few Julies in our time or maybe we've even been Julies ourselves. This behaviour is common in high school but sadly a lot of women don't grow out of it. It's not that Julie's a bad person - she wants to get married and she's attracted to a good man. This is a good thing. But she's taken it too far - she's made claims on people who do not belong to her, she's envious and she's depriving both Susie and Phil of a chance to see if they could be married - people who are both supposed to be her friends.

My opinion is that Susie should go out with Phil and then tell Julie as she tells everyone else. If Julie reacts badly - tough. Sure, Susie should be gentle with Julie but if Julie cannot accept it and move on, then she's not being much of a friend to Susie. And Susie should pray for Julie, that she'll find satisfaction in God. Chances are that Julie will marry someone else anyway and she'll later wonder why she ever had feelings for Phil. If Susie had said 'no' to Phil so she wouldn't upset Julie, what would that achieve really? Does Phil really have to stay single until Julie decides she's over him? I talked to someone who faced a similar dilemma and ended up marrying the guy. Her friend who also liked him eventually ended up marrying someone else.

Women, let's all have courage when we're Susie and repent when we're Julie.

As I said before, not all women get insanely jealous and carry on like seagulls squabbling over a dropped chip. Men, I'm interested to hear what you have to say. Do men get jealous like this? How would you feel if you were Phil and you found out what had been going on?

That's my two cents worth ;)

Lesson 1 from Sarah's School of Dating

I know you've all been looking forward to this since I mentioned it in my second post....admit it :P

I also know what you're thinking. What gives her the right to start a dating school on the internet? What right does she have to give advice?

Well.....
a) This is not really a dating school. There is no building and there are no fees. Yes, this is absolutely FREE peoples. If it sounds to good to be true it probably is, right? Well, that's wrong where the gospel is concerned. Jesus really did take the punishment we deserved so we could be reconciled with God. That's GOOD and TRUE. My dating wisdom is NOT gospel truth but you may be interested anyway.

b) I have the right to give advice cos I'm a person, I have an opinion and this is my very own chunk of cyberspace to say it. And I'm not forcing anything on anybody. It's your choice to be here :P

Okay, so here's lesson 1 - FREE!

Picture this scenario (and I'm aiming this session at Christians).
A Christian guy/girl approaches you about starting a relationship or is giving you signals that they're VERY interested. You just consider this person a friend and are not interested in taking it any further. It may be because you feel you're too different and it wouldn't work, you're going in different directions, you find them physically unattractive, you may find their annoying habits unbearable if you got together, there's a massive age difference etc etc. I'm sure you can think of various other reasons why people refuse the offer of a relationship.

But what do you actually tell them? Here's this person putting themselves on the line, facing rejection and opening themselves up to you about their feelings and you know you're gonna reject them. Do you say:
a) Sorry, I just see you as a friend (or something similar).
b) Walk away laughing.
c) Tell them you want to stay single to focus on God.

The reason behind this post is that I have seen this situation before and often answer C is given.

Now don't get me wrong here. Focusing on God is a wonderful thing. I fully respect people who do this and often God calls people to do it during certain stages of their walk with him. I'm not saying everyone should get married. God loves and uses both married and single people for his purposes. The problem I have is with people who give answer C when the real reason is one of the others I listed above. They're just saying that but they really just don't want a relationship with that person.

My advice is this peoples. If someone asks you out and you just don't feel the same way, definitely don't give answer B or C if it isn't true. The only kind answer to give is a variation of answer A. I fully respect the courage of people who ask others out with a sincere motive, it takes a lot of guts to admit your true feelings for someone and risk losing their friendship. They've done a HUGE thing so please be honest and gentle with them. You don't have to feel the same way, just be honest.

If you lie and say you're focusing on God when you're really on the lookout for someone else, the person who asked you out is going to be very confused and hurt if you do meet and start going out with someone else a short while later. They're going to think, why is he/she going out with someone else so soon when they said they were focusing on God? They may be hurt that you weren't honest and you may be seen as a liar.

Of course, God should remain our primary focus all the time, whether we're single or not but as sinful humans we often get distracted.

I hope I haven't offended anyone. This post is NOT meant as a dig at any particular person. As they say in movie credits -any similarities to any persons living or dead is purely a coincidence (or something along those lines).

So that concludes lesson 1. Hey, I could start up my own website - Ask Sed. Like Ask Ted. Get it? Get it? Woohoo :D