Lesson 6 from Sarah's School of Dating

Ok, ok I know this is an age-old question (especially among Christians) and there are probably plenty of posts on this topic scattered throughout the blogosphere.

"Should a Christian date/marry a non-Christian?" (or not yet Christian for those who prefer this term).

My answer is short and blunt.

"Certainly not!"

Lesson over!

Ok, no seriously I will provide some insight into why I think this way ;) It would be a bit of a rip-off lesson otherwise.

Firstly, I think God tells us in scripture to marry someone who shares our faith. Yes, I'm going to quote verses we've probably all heard before.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
2 Corinthians 6:14-15

Now, I know that Paul isn't referring to marriage here although it IS the most commonly quoted verse that Christians use to say that Christians and non Christians marrying each other is unwise. In context, Paul is telling the Corinthians not to be yoked to false teachers but the principle can be applied to other areas of our lives as well.

A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:39

If you read the whole of 1 Corinthians 7 it goes on to refute the idea that a believer should divorce their unbelieving spouse. If they are already married and the unbelieving spouse would like to continue in the marriage, then they must definitely not divorce.

Keeping God's commands in this area is what counts, regardless of whether or not we marry. Now I know that this area causes much pain to those Christians who are single, especially when a perfectly nice non Christian catches our eye. The Christian pond is small and many of the fish in it are either already taken, unsuitable or disinterested. I really feel for those single women in their thirties who feel that their biological clock is ticking and time is running out. I found my singleness a struggle so please don't think I'm saying 'obey God' flippantly. I know it's hard!

A couple of years ago I had a pivotal conversation with a Christian friend which helped me get some perspective. Both of us were single at the time and I guessed it was a struggle for him too. He said that for a Christian to place their desire for marriage above God's commands is actually idolatry. We might not think so at the time, but when a Christian becomes so desperate to marry that they marry a non believer because of the lack of suitable Christian partners, they are actually saying to God, "I think it's more important that I marry than obey your commands. I know better than you, God." It's sad but I know of a few Christian women who, desperate to have children, married non Christian men and now realise that the faith issue causes a lot of problems in their marriage.

We might think that sounds harsh but as I thought about it, I realised it was true for me. My friend wasn't having a go at me, I think he was just saying what he'd realised for himself as well. I was an idolater...I still am. We all are in different ways. Many a time I'd considered hooking up with the good looking non Christian guy at work (if he was willing) because I was so lonely. Marriage was more important to me than God and at times I was willing to disobey him to get it. It was a sobering reminder that God is the King of my life and from that moment, I knew that singleness was a better lifelong option than marrying someone who did not share my first love. It was the only time that I truly felt content in my singleness. Singleness is a time to trust God rather than saying, "screw you God, I'll marry who I want."

We can look around us and see the negative consequences of marriage between believing and unbelieving spouses. I'm sure many of us have friends or acquaintances who have gone down that path. The trouble is not every marriage between a Christian and non Christian will be difficult. I know examples of such couples who have great marriages. And I'm sure we know of situations where the non Christian spouse has become a Christian ('flirt to convert' or 'missionary dating' if you like.)

I think too many Christians are caught up in consequences. That is, we'll do something if it has a good outcome regardless of whether God says it is wise. So we see examples of where a non believing spouse has come to the Lord and think, Cool, I'll give that a go, then. It might happen to me too.

God is merciful and kind. He can use our stuff ups and disobedience to bring people to himself. But that doesn't give us a licence to disobey him because he might bring good out of it. Nor should we look at statistics and real life examples as a reason to obey over what God has clearly said. We can see evidence of why God said it is unwise but even if we couldn't we should still trust and obey, knowing that he is our Heavenly Father and has our good in mind. Like I said, there are a number of reasons why Christian-non Christian marriage is not recommended.

• Do you really want to marry someone who doesn't share your greatest love, Jesus. Would your marriage be as close as it could be if Jesus means nothing to them? Do you want to go to church on your own, never have your spouse to pray with and encourage one another from Scripture?
• How would you deal with it if your unbelieving spouse NEVER became a Christian? Too often we go into marriage expecting the other person to change once we've married.
• The kids issue. It becomes a problem when the kids are torn between the opposing faiths of the parents. One parent goes to church and the other doesn't. A friend of mine told me about her friend who has a non-Christian husband and now her sons don't want to go to church because Daddy doesn't.
• Our culture has tried to separate dating and marriage. If you've decided not to marry a non Christian then what's the point of dating one? Then there's the whole sex before marriage issue.
• So often either the love gives way for the faith or the faith gives way for the love. And when the latter happens it is very very sad. We shouldn't underestimate the impact a mixed marriage like this can have and the influence a non believing spouse can have on us.
• Even non Christians can see the dilemmas. A non Christian friend of mine said, "I wouldn't want to marry a Christian. It would just create a whole lot of problems."

Am I saying that marrying a fellow believer will guarantee you a great marriage? No, even Christian couples fight ('amen' many of you say to that) but when it comes to the crunch it's about trusting and obeying God in my opinion.

I know there will always be grey areas here. For example, I know of one defacto couple who were both non Christians and had children. The woman became a Christian and decided she wanted to get married but her partner didn't...even after she asked him several times. He didn't want to end the relationship, he was just perfectly happy with how things were. The woman was now in the situation where she could either end the relationship with her partner or keep going as things were. In the end, she said to God, "God, I view this as a marriage." This a tricky situation but I think it's far different for a single Christian to deliberately go and marry a non believer.

Hamo wrote a good post on the topic of Christian-non Christian marriage a while ago. It mentions the importance of looking for a godly partner, not just someone who merely professes faith.

The next question is......are being Christian, of the opposite sex, free to marry (ie. not already married) and not a relative the most important factors? Do secondary factors such as culture, denominational difference, family background, interests/hobbies count?

More in the next lesson. For now, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this one.

Thoughts?