Lesson 2 from Sarah's School of Dating

Finally it's back! After a 3 month hiatus, my dating school has been revived (not that it really died, it was more like it was in a deep sleep). I'm no expert and I doubt my opinions represent all women but then I thought I might as well keep it going. You may get a laugh. You may learn something. And remember, like I said before, it's your choice to be here. If you're looking for a matchmaker, pics of single Christians or a dating agency, you're in the wrong place. This is an educational series - for both men and women.

For those who missed Lesson 1 or would like a refresher, go here.

Since I'm a woman, Lesson 2 is going to be all about some behaviour I've observed in different women (although I'm not suggesting all women are like this). Let's start with a (fictional) story:

Susie has realised she is developing feelings for a friend at her church, Phil. She decides against letting one of her female friends know and instead keeps her growing feelings to herself. There are a number of reasons for this:
a) She's afraid one of her female friends won't be able to keep their mouth shut and she'll become the butt of church gossip. Phil will find out and there is a chance she could lose his friendship.
b) She doesn't want her feelings towards Phil to become infatuation. She's been there before - having crushes that have developed into obsessive feelings that have gone on for years, feeling jealous of other girls and seeing them as love rivals, becoming discontent in her singleness and not focusing on what God would have her do now. Susie is aware of the dangers of 'dating Phil in her mind' and instead decides to submit her feelings to God, asking that if it is not his will, to take the feelings for Phil away.

So Susie keeps her feelings for Phil under wraps and no-one has a clue. Then one day, her friend Julie (also from the same church) announces to her in confidence that she has feelings for Phil. She also announces rather bluntly that Susie had better not ever develop feelings for Phil as well. Susie almost smiles at how ironic Julie's statement is - if only she knew. But inside Susie is torn and almost angry. She feels Julie has just squashed any chance she had with Phil. Julie has 'claimed' Phil for herself, even though they are not together, and she has also announced that even if she can't have Phil, no-one else can. Of course, Phil may not be interested in either Susie or Julie so there's no problem but Susie is annoyed about Julie's attitude of 'reserving' guys for herself and declaring that no-one else can have them. Susie also knows that Julie has two other guys from church that she has 'reserved' as potential partners for herself and told other girls to 'back off'.

Time goes on and Susie doesn't dare tell Julie that they like the same man. Julie is her friend and there seems no point in having a conflict over a guy that neither of them might end up with. The one day, Phil approaches Susie about starting a relationship. Their friendship had been growing closer recently and they'd been spending more time together, much to Julie's obvious jealousy. Susie is immediately torn. She genuinely likes Phil and considers him potential marriage material. She's not liking Phil simply to spite Julie and badly wants to say 'yes' to him. Yet, she knows that Julie won't speak to her again. What should Susie do?

This may seem like a Christianised version of Mills and Boon or Neighbours but, if you're a woman, I think we've all known a few Julies in our time or maybe we've even been Julies ourselves. This behaviour is common in high school but sadly a lot of women don't grow out of it. It's not that Julie's a bad person - she wants to get married and she's attracted to a good man. This is a good thing. But she's taken it too far - she's made claims on people who do not belong to her, she's envious and she's depriving both Susie and Phil of a chance to see if they could be married - people who are both supposed to be her friends.

My opinion is that Susie should go out with Phil and then tell Julie as she tells everyone else. If Julie reacts badly - tough. Sure, Susie should be gentle with Julie but if Julie cannot accept it and move on, then she's not being much of a friend to Susie. And Susie should pray for Julie, that she'll find satisfaction in God. Chances are that Julie will marry someone else anyway and she'll later wonder why she ever had feelings for Phil. If Susie had said 'no' to Phil so she wouldn't upset Julie, what would that achieve really? Does Phil really have to stay single until Julie decides she's over him? I talked to someone who faced a similar dilemma and ended up marrying the guy. Her friend who also liked him eventually ended up marrying someone else.

Women, let's all have courage when we're Susie and repent when we're Julie.

As I said before, not all women get insanely jealous and carry on like seagulls squabbling over a dropped chip. Men, I'm interested to hear what you have to say. Do men get jealous like this? How would you feel if you were Phil and you found out what had been going on?

That's my two cents worth ;)