I know you've all been looking forward to this since I mentioned it in my second post....admit it :P
I also know what you're thinking. What gives her the right to start a dating school on the internet? What right does she have to give advice?
Well.....
a) This is not really a dating school. There is no building and there are no fees. Yes, this is absolutely FREE peoples. If it sounds to good to be true it probably is, right? Well, that's wrong where the gospel is concerned. Jesus really did take the punishment we deserved so we could be reconciled with God. That's GOOD and TRUE. My dating wisdom is NOT gospel truth but you may be interested anyway.
b) I have the right to give advice cos I'm a person, I have an opinion and this is my very own chunk of cyberspace to say it. And I'm not forcing anything on anybody. It's your choice to be here :P
Okay, so here's lesson 1 - FREE!
Picture this scenario (and I'm aiming this session at Christians).
A Christian guy/girl approaches you about starting a relationship or is giving you signals that they're VERY interested. You just consider this person a friend and are not interested in taking it any further. It may be because you feel you're too different and it wouldn't work, you're going in different directions, you find them physically unattractive, you may find their annoying habits unbearable if you got together, there's a massive age difference etc etc. I'm sure you can think of various other reasons why people refuse the offer of a relationship.
But what do you actually tell them? Here's this person putting themselves on the line, facing rejection and opening themselves up to you about their feelings and you know you're gonna reject them. Do you say:
a) Sorry, I just see you as a friend (or something similar).
b) Walk away laughing.
c) Tell them you want to stay single to focus on God.
The reason behind this post is that I have seen this situation before and often answer C is given.
Now don't get me wrong here. Focusing on God is a wonderful thing. I fully respect people who do this and often God calls people to do it during certain stages of their walk with him. I'm not saying everyone should get married. God loves and uses both married and single people for his purposes. The problem I have is with people who give answer C when the real reason is one of the others I listed above. They're just saying that but they really just don't want a relationship with that person.
My advice is this peoples. If someone asks you out and you just don't feel the same way, definitely don't give answer B or C if it isn't true. The only kind answer to give is a variation of answer A. I fully respect the courage of people who ask others out with a sincere motive, it takes a lot of guts to admit your true feelings for someone and risk losing their friendship. They've done a HUGE thing so please be honest and gentle with them. You don't have to feel the same way, just be honest.
If you lie and say you're focusing on God when you're really on the lookout for someone else, the person who asked you out is going to be very confused and hurt if you do meet and start going out with someone else a short while later. They're going to think, why is he/she going out with someone else so soon when they said they were focusing on God? They may be hurt that you weren't honest and you may be seen as a liar.
Of course, God should remain our primary focus all the time, whether we're single or not but as sinful humans we often get distracted.
I hope I haven't offended anyone. This post is NOT meant as a dig at any particular person. As they say in movie credits -any similarities to any persons living or dead is purely a coincidence (or something along those lines).
So that concludes lesson 1. Hey, I could start up my own website - Ask Sed. Like Ask Ted. Get it? Get it? Woohoo :D
6 comments:
I don't have any useful comments to add. But you are a good person. Had I a gold star, I would stick it on you. Unfortunately I only have a box of ring reinforcements, and they don't look anywhere near as prestigious as gold stars.
good post, i agree whole-heartedly:) We're Christians...we SHOULD tell the truth:P
Stay tuned for Lesson 2 ;)
On a bit of a tangent, but - when do you tell them this?
I suppose only if they bluntly tell you their feelings.
From the point of view of the declinee (AKA the asker), how do you approach going out with someone?
Are you meant to bluntly say "Will you go out with me?", or words to the effect that you find them attractive? That you're in love with them?
Or is that an error, because it's too much too soon?
You could just ask them out places socially. Is that always understood as meaning romantic interest? Could it mean just friendship?
From the point of view of the decliner, you might not need to give them any of the answers A B or C if they just keep asking you out socially, you can just keep declining the social offers, and eventually the declinee will become discouraged and stop asking. Presumably both parties know the motivation (or come to realise it) and the message gets put across.
Or, as the declinee/asker, are you meant to bluntly declare your interest?
At what point?
(Maybe after repeated successful social outings. You could tell them your feelings after having had social offers rejected, but you'd pretty much know the answer. Although, maybe you'd want to anyway.)
A girl I was fond of started going out with a guy (whom she eventually married), and I asked her how it had happened - did one ask the other one, and if so, what? But she said that it just happened.
That wasn't very helpful to me - it doesn't "just happen" to me. I don't think it "just happens", there are things going on, I just haven't been able to work out what they are.
Clueless, you've asked a lot of good questions which I don't have strict rule answers to - I can only share what I would want to hear if I was the girl being asked.
I also get confused when people say their relationship 'just happened'. I think there needs to be good communication skills in the relationship and it needs to be defined. I've seen many people get confused because they've been spending lots of time with a friend of the opposite sex and they don't know if they've moved beyond friendship. People ask them if they're dating and suddenly they're not sure and they WANT to know where they stand with the other person, they want them to clarify the relationship. What kind of relationship is it going to be if you just drift along and have no idea of the other person's intentions. Sure this couple ended up married but there are many cases where two people have ended up confused and hurt and wasted their time because one wanted a casual relationship and the other wanted something more serious and with direction.
There's a difference between inviting someone to go on social outings with you and asking someone if they'd like to start a relationship. I hate the way in Christian circles, 'coffee' is deemed to be a code word for 'date'. If someone wanted a relationship with me I would like them to approach me and tell me honestly rather than flirt madly and hope I guess what their intentions are. Leading people on and leaving them confused is NOT loving.
As for what you should say when you want to start a relationship, personally I think 'will you go out with me?' is a bit corny and cliched. Just say whatever comes naturally. Be honest. Ask married people what they said. Say exactly what's going through your head and don't worry about phrasing it perfectly. Some people have talked to just said to their love interest, "I'm interested in you and I was wondering if you'd consider starting a relationship a me....". Then they went on to say why they were interested and that they intended it to be a serious relationship that honoured God and the other person, whether or not it resulted in marriage. You don't have to say this exactly of course...just an idea.
Having said all that. Just be yourself and take a risk. Most Christian girls should treat you with respect, even if they say 'no'. I know I greatly respect people who have the guts whether or not I return the feelings.
Be encouraged :)
Regarding the person who said it "just happened", it wasn't a long and drifting thing, it appears to me that it happened over the course of a long (Easter) weekend.
Or maybe there was more that I didn't know about.
Anyway.
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