The Dreaded E Word

Evangelism.

What goes through your mind when you hear that word?

Fear?  Excitement?  Guilt? 

This is my 'evangelism story' from since I became a Christian.  I've struggled with seeing evangelism as a privilege.  It doesn't help when other Christians go on and on about how if we really love Jesus, then we wouldn't have any fear.  This doesn't encourage the timid and help the weak.  It just paralyses them.

The main thing I've learnt over the years is that I will never love Jesus as I should, but that He loves me - more than I can ever comprehend.  His acceptance of me is because He purchased me with His own blood - not my evangelism ability or lack of.

I've blogged my testimony before here.  In Part 3, I wrote about my family and friends' reaction to my faith.  I had some Christian friends who openly showed their joy and excitement that I was now following Christ.  But some others came across as a bit indifferent.  It was almost like they didn't really believe me.  One person admitted later that she was always so very happy for me, and should have showed it more.

As a new believer, I had this very naive view that my non-Christian family would be happy for me.  That fellow students at uni would be respectful after finding out I was a Christian.  It seems ridiculous now.  After all, I wasn't very respectful of Christians before I became one.  My mum had been encouraging me to go to Christian 'events', but when I told them I was now a Christian and was attending a church regularly, she did not react well.  It made me realise that her aim was for me to keep out of trouble at high school and uni.  She never actually wanted me to BELIEVE it.

I was shattered.  I started hiding my faith.  I feared man much, much more than I feared God.  I wasn't openly Christian.  I decided that if someone asked if I was a Christian, then I would be happy to talk to them about it, but I would never aim to start evangelistic conversations.  I wanted people to like me....even people I didn't really respect or like much.  I only wanted to talk to non-Christians I felt 'safe' around.

Being part of the Christian Union at uni was both an encouragement and a burden.  I felt so much pressure to be involved in stranger/walk-up evangelism...it was as if this was the only way to evangelise.  One guy was a very gifted evangelist and did regular stranger evangelism on campus.  He often invited others to join him, but he was very encouraging about it.  He emphasised that he didn't want anyone to feel guilty if they didn't want to accompany him.  But on another occasion, I was hanging out with someone before Bible study when they said, "We've got some time to kill.  Let's do some stranger evangelism."  When I told this person I didn't want to, they kept pressuring me, "Why not?"

I felt guilty.  I felt ashamed.  I felt like I wasn't a true Christian.  I felt like God didn't love me, that I'd lost my salvation.  Satan got into my ear and I believed his lies.  He whispered that if I was ashamed of Jesus, then He would be ashamed of me before His Father.

This was 2004 when everything really went pear-shaped.

I was afraid to die.  If I died I would go to hell so I had to stay alive at all costs.  I became very depressed.  On top of my workload for uni, it was difficult to cope.  I felt like I had no-one to talk to, no-one would understand.  A lot of Christians admitted they found evangelism scary, but it didn't offer me any encouragement.  They might have been scared, but they didn't hide away like I was.  They loved Jesus enough to be bold, despite their fear.

In the end, I decided to seek out a Christian counsellor.  I needed to speak to someone who didn't know me.

God used that lady to bring me back from despair.  I thought she would just tell me to be brave and bold.  But she didn't.  She opened the Bible and showed me Romans 8:1.  That was the beginning.  I had allowed Satan to chain me with his lies.  Now God's Word was going to set me free.

God helped me understand grace better.  I thought I knew what it entailed before, but now I was coming to a much deeper understanding.  I could NEVER deserve His love.  It was freely given.  He wasn't going to give up on me.  I could come before Him, confess my sin, and He would forgive and change me.  It might be a long and painful process, but He was for me.  He would empower me to live for Him and to speak His lifechanging words to others.

Early in 2005 I got baptised after my housemate suggested it.  It was a chance to share what God had done for me with people who weren't Christian.  Even though my parents and brother were the only non-Christians who accepted the invitation to come, I got to speak uninterrupted about the difference Jesus makes, both now and for eternity.  One of my cousins was quite horrified that I got baptised.  In my darkest days, I would have felt mortally wounded, but now I found myself not being so worried about her disapproval.

It has been a long process and it's nowhere near over.  In hindsight, I can see that, unlike many of my friends who grew up in Christian families, I had to have a 'coming out of the closet' experience as a Christian.  Although every Christian has to explain who they are to non-Christians they meet, it wasn't the same as it was for someone who has always been known for being a 'church goer' or 'religious'.  It probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but I'm not.  I know it is my own sin, the fear of man which is the problem.

The difference since 2004 is that instead of looking for God's approval in evangelism, I look to the cross.  Sharing my faith has become easier over time although it's still a struggle.  Once people know I'm a Christian, it's actually the exciting privilege it should be, and not a burden.  So, if I talk about my experiences of evangelism, rest assure I'm not wanting to brag.  It is God's work.  If you're finding it tough, I understand.

God will not give up on His children.  He will refine and change them.  My greatest encouragement is the apostle Peter.  He went from being someone who denied Jesus and fled to save his own skin, to someone who boldly and fearlessly proclaimed the gospel - even though it led to his death.  That is my prayer for myself - to let the love of Christ compel me to share the good news with others.

The post Gospel Speech at our School by Jean from In All Honesty really encouraged me this year.  Check it out.

Bible Verse of the Day

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...
Romans 8:1

Diary of an Incubator: 30 Weeks

Surely I cannot get any bigger!

Facebook Evangelism

Can someone tell me why Jesus was nailed to a cross?

A guy I went to school with had this as his Facebook status last week.  I paused when I read it.  Was he seriously wanting an answer?  Or was he just looking to stir?  You never know with some people.  I've never thought Facebook was a very good vehicle for evangelism anyway.  I've seen too many 'debates' turn nasty while a lot of lurkers were probably having a good laugh.  I would rather sit down in person, or have a private conversation via email.  Should I answer this guy's question?  After a few responses that seemed quite bizarre and way off track, I took the plunge.  But instead of going into a lengthy spiel, I just sent a link to Two Ways To Live as a response.  Two Ways To Live explains the Christian message really well and I'm grateful to have such resources available.

The next day, he wrote back:
So the man himself was tied to a stake not a cross and paid the ultimate price for other people's sins. (Silly little bugger wasn't he?) so where was his parents? Are they accountable for neglect?
If we accept Jesus is God incarnate then on the metaphorical cross God himself died, how does that work?
So the modern day JC would be crucified (murdered) by lethal injection, I suppose it would look a tad bit silly if a miniature needle replaced the 'cross' on all those necklaces.
So what makes a Christian different from Buddhist, Jewish, etc?
Then, what's the difference between English, Dutch, African, Chinese etc?
Isn't there only one JC? And one GOD? But they're the same so that's only one, but there's two present........
Oh this is all too much

I thought, well, he's serious, then.  He actually watched Two Ways To Live.  In previous comments he wrote about how he didn't understand anything from Scripture lessons in primary school, and was confused about all the different Bible translations there are.  I went to school with him for years.  Although I haven't seen him recently and he doesn't live nearby, he's a nice bloke with a bit of a dry sense of humour.  Therefore, I didn't take anything he said as a personal slur on my faith because I could see that he must be genuinely searching.  And he had so many questions!  Oh my!  How was I going to respond to them?  Should I respond to them?

But then I thought, I'd rather try and help him find Christ than not do anything.  Again I sent him a link saying it might help with some of the tough questions he was asking.  It was a link to the Christianity Explored Tough Questions page.  I didn't hear back from him after that.  But there are a lot of questions on that page so it would take some time if he was watching all of the clips.

I wasn't sure what to do after that.  It wouldn't be appropriate for me to meet up with him in person (it would be better for him to meet up with another bloke).  He lives in Albany so I was trying to think of someone I could ask if he wanted to go down that path.  I prayed.  I prayed he would not give up searching.  I prayed God would open his eyes to who Jesus is.  I prayed he would go to a good Bible-teaching church.  I prayed that he would accept Christ as his Lord and Saviour.

What started as fear gave way to excitement.  I saw that Facebook can be a great tool for evangelism if used wisely.  I'm still cautious about jumping straight into debates.  I want to be wise with my words.  Maybe God had used me to plant a seed and would send someone else to water it.  For it is God's work after all, for His glory.

This post has been entered in the November edition of the Christian Blog Carnival.  If you're a Christian blogger and would like to enter one of your recent posts, submit it here today.

Bible Verse of the Day

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow.  So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow.  The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labour.
1 Corinthians 3:6-9

Ben Cousins

Recently I read Ben Cousins: My Life Story.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but I sure couldn't put it down.

It is much, much better than the documentary.  It goes into a lot more detail for a start.

If you're a footy fan, it would be hard to approach this book without any sort of bias.  Most people have already formed an opinion on Cousins and if they already think he's a loser, the book probably won't change their minds.  As an Eagles' supporter, I came to it expecting to be quite saddened by what it revealed.  I couldn't help but reflect on all the years his performances brought me such joy, and it is kind of heartbreaking to read the details of what became of him.  Like many photos, I found it hard to look at the photos he includes in the book.  It is hard to believe the cheeky-looking 18-year-old who won the Rising Star award in 1996 went on to live a double life.

It is a fascinating look into how the mind of one addict works.  He is certainly an interesting character.  Organised, driven, and dedicated, he explains how he managed to live two lives for so long.  He would train harder than anyone during the week, put 110% into his matches so he wouldn't let his teammates down, then reward himself with a 'bender' which he timed specifically to avoid the drug testing.   After he'd come down, he'd start the cycle all over again. (Be warned: he goes into very specific detail about his drug-taking.)

I had kind of expected the book to be a sweeping overview of events, rather than a detailed account of this thoughts and feelings.  There I was very, very wrong.  I was surprised about how honest he is about himself, his flaws, his insecurities, and his feelings.  I would have been too embarrassed to put that sort of stuff in a book.

Some people I know who have read the book have criticised him for not revealing who his dealers are, or for painting certain shady figures (i.e. John Kizon) in too positive a light.  To be honest, I can't blame him for not putting that information out there.  His life certainly wouldn't be worth living if he did, although I can understand why people would want him to.  Cousins says he has always taken people as he finds them and doesn't worry about their reputation.   He has a 'I know they're supposed to be dodgy, but they've always been kind to me' attitude.  In fact, he even credits Kizon with trying to get him off crystal meth when he became addicted to it in 2006/07 (what led to him no longer being able to 'control' his addiction).

This is not a book I could come away from thinking I either like or I don't like Ben Cousins.  He does many, many stupid things in the book.  I couldn't help thinking that if I was his girlfriend, I would have left him a long time ago.  But then I thought about how I'd react if Duncan had a drug problem, and I'm really not sure.

But there are a couple of things about him that made me respect him as a person.  Firstly, he never blames anyone else for his addiction.  In a time when people refuse to take responsibility for their actions, he never casts the blame onto his family and upbringing, his football clubs...anyone.  He especially praises his dad who, as his confidante and best mate, has stuck with him, yet always made him face consequences for his actions while growing up.  Even though he was diagnosed with ADHD while in rehab in the US, he never uses it as an excuse for his drug-taking.  He labels himself as a 'self-confessed ratbag'.

Secondly, he showed great respect for the faith of his Christian teammate, Mark Seaby.  It was a tradition at the Eagles for new guys to the club to get up in front of their teammates and say a bit about themselves.  The team would then ask personal questions such as, What's your best sexual experience? and When was the first time you had sex?  When Mark Seaby admitted to being a virgin and Troy Wilson made a wisecrack about it, Cousins describes how Michael Gardiner (another ratbag at the club) went in to bat for Seaby:
But Troy Wilson made a smart-arse comment, something really ordinary.  And then Mickey Gardiner did one of the things that I loved him for.  In his time in Perth, Gardy would manage to upset everyone in the city about three times each.  But he would not tolerate teasing.  He grabbed Wilson by the scruff of his neck and said, "Pull your head in or I'll give you a slap."
I remember leaving the meeting full of new respect for both Gardy and Seaby.  And I was ashamed that I wasn't the one who stood up and grabbed Wilson like that.  I went up to Seaby and said, "For what it's worth, I have a lot of admiration for what you did, because I know myself that if I was in that situation I wouldn't have the balls, or the courage, or the dash, to stand up and say I haven't had sex.  Mate, I admire that.  You have a rare quality that virtually none of us do, and I hope you're proud of it."
A football club is a tough place to be different.  They've improved a bit since then, but the mentality is still there.  It never sat well with me that a bloke couldn't feel safe standing up and saying who he was.....And what Seaby said made me think back to how I'd been in such a hurry to do things only because I'd felt inadequate.  When I saw his sturdiness of character, I regretted my own rush as an adolescent... (pages 135-36)

I liked the way the book was written.  Authorship is credited to Cousins and Malcolm Knox.  It is written very much as if he were speaking to you, telling his story.  The 'voice' is very Aussie male.  There is a fair bit of swearing (be warned) in the book but that's because it's written much the way many young Aussie blokes speak.  It felt like we were sitting down somewhere and he was having a yarn to me about his life.

I came away from reading this book feeling even more sceptical about the media.  I also felt sad because I was reading the book in hindsight.  It was published in 2010 and gives you some hope that he was on the right track.  Earlier this year he was arrested for drug possession, and now has a young son to consider.  Knowing this made me realise his battles are far from over, and it cast a different light on the book.

I couldn't say I 'enjoyed' the book because it is a sad story, but it's definitely worth a read if you're an Eagles or Richmond fan.  Even if you don't like Cousins, it's still an interesting story.

Pictures of You by The Last Goodnight

This song fits with my last post.

Pictures of you, pictures of me,
Hung up on your wall for the world to see.
Pictures of you, pictures of me,
Remind us all of what we used to be.

Pictures of you, pictures of me,
Hung up on your wall for the world to see.
Pictures of you, pictures of me,
Remind us all of what we could have been,
Could have been, we could have been.


Lyrics sourced from here.