Please be warned: these thoughts have been going around in my head since last year and I have quite strong views on the matter. Duncan and I had quite a 'heated' discussion on Saturday about it and I think he's getting sick of me bringing this up and ranting about it all the time. So I've decided to air my thoughts in the blogosphere.
What am I ranting about? A little something unfortunately that a lot of us can't live without. We need it to get by but it can destroy friendships, skew priorities and turn us into liars.
Money!
Let me start with a story......
Earlier this year I was talking to my dad on the phone and he told me that my brother had just had a big fight with his best mate over the phone. My brother, Tim, was living in Albany at the time (he's in Perth now) and his mate was living in Perth. Tim was planning to move to Perth and move in with this mate in a few months. Now his mate was ringing him and whinging that Tim hadn't moved up earlier and that he's decided to move to Bunbury. Tim was mighty annoyed because now he had nowhere to live when he moved to the big smoke.
The reason his mate had decided to move to Bunbury was that he had this idea in his head that it was going to be cheaper to live there than in Perth. Now this mate is the manager of a department store, he earns more than twice as much as I've ever earned...yet he was claiming to be broke and complaining to Tim about it. Tim replied. "It's cos you waste all your money on crap." His friend responded by telling him where to go and then hung up. The fight didn't last long and they are now good mates again.
Reading that story, I wonder how many of you could relate to it, that you've been affected by a friend or relative's poor habits with money and rather than take responsibility for their actions, all they do is lie and complain. Now Tim's not the greatest with money either but it does raise a few questions, particularly for those, like me, who are part of Generation Y.
Why is it that money is such a taboo topic, even among Christians? Why is it that we see people we know developing poor money habits yet we feel like we can't confront them about it? Why is considered 'wrong' to ask people, even those close to us, how much they earn or how much they paid for something? Why do leaders of churches sometimes feel uncomfortable asking their congregation to prayerfully consider their giving? I have no problem telling people my salary and that's certainly not because I have lots of money. I don't! And I certainly wouldn't do it to brag or shout it from the rooftops either. But if someone asks the question then I don't mind giving them the answer.
Okay, I know to a certain extent our spending is a personal thing. But can't you see how dangerous it is if we see it as ENTIRELY personal? I think we need to be inviting others to be accountability partners concerning money. We who are Christian talk about 'speaking into each others lives' but in reality we are so closed off and secretive even from one another that it's ridiculous. A few years ago at church, a friend of mine who had just graduated from uni and started working was being interviewed during a service. During that interview, he invited accountability from the entire church by saying that we were welcome anytime to ask him how he was using his money. I was very impressed. This guy took the responsibility with the money God had given him seriously and he knew that the temptations he would face going from full-time student to full-time worker would be to fritter his money away on crap. I don't know if anyone ever did confront him about his money but I have never forgotten it to this day.
I wonder if any of you are familiar with following scenarios.
- You invite a friend out to dinner (the understanding being that you would pay for your own meals) and they tell you that money is a bit tight this week and they can't make it. You understand of course and either a) offer to pay for their meal or b) agree to postpone the dinner until a later date. Then the very next day, this friend goes on a blinder of a shopping spree and shows you all of their purchases with a gleeful smile - CDs, DVDs, clothes, shoes, makeup, alcohol (okay guys might be different). You know that pay day has not yet come along for this person and ask them how they managed to afford all of this when they were too 'poor' to have dinner with you the previous night? If they didn't want to have dinner, they should have just said so instead of lying about it.
- A friend tells you they are very poor and are struggling to pay their rent and bills. Concerned, you immediately offer them some cash which they take and say they will pay you back. The next thing you know, they have been on a shopping spree and are borrowing more money to put on their maxed out credit card. Suddenly you are way down on a list of people they owe money to and whenever they do come into some money they go and spend it on crap again instead of paying people back.
I've mentioned those who are 'conveniently poor' before - those who have money when they see something they like and when it comes to spending money on the 'boring' things like rent, food etc they suddenly don't have any money. I'm tired of living in this generation, a generation that doesn't take responsibility for anything and that doesn't want to commit. No, that new dress will NOT make you happy! Especially since you are going to be sick of it in two months and give it to the op shop. I know people in their 20s and 30s who work in much higher paying jobs than I've ever had and still sponge money off their parents and whoever else and they never learn. I really question how helpful the parents are being by giving them money. These people are never learning to stand on their own two feet and take responsibility for their actions - my brother's mate being one of them.
Now I know some of you are thinking that we shouldn't judge and I do agree. But I think some people go too far to one side and think that NEVER speaking up is being loving. I disagree. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and he said I should speak the truth in love. I'm still struggling to work out what this means. I know that going to someone and yelling at them rarely works. That just gets people's backs up and they become angry and defensive. But since money is such a difficult topic, even talking to them gently rarely works in my experience. They either still get angry and tell you it's none of your business (even if it's you they've been sponging off and complaining to) or it just goes in one ear and out the other. I've had the following conversation a few times:
Other Person: Look, look what I bought today (shows you a bag full of DVDs, clothes and other junk you know they aren't in need of).
Me: Oh okay, I thought you said you had no money. Have you been paid?
Other Person: No (looks uncomfortable) but don't you reckon this top looks great? I love it.
Me: Yeah it's nice but how did you get the money?
Other Person: It was 50% off, I couldn't pass it up.
A few months later that marvellous, incredible top is at an op shop somewhere.
The main gripe I have is being lied to. There are lots of people I know whose spending habits I think are unwise but they never ever lie and say they have no money when they really do, they still pay all their bills, rent etc, they pay back loans and they even encourage others not to get credit cards. These people probably do have quite a bit of money (well more than me anyway) and can afford to buy things they don't really need. I'm not saying that's right but they do indeed take responsibility for their actions. I was so proud of one of my friends because as soon as she got the money she went and gave it to another friend who she owed money to. So many people would have just gone and wasted it on more crap.
In the first scenario I mentioned about inviting a friend to dinner, the biggest thing that hurts is being lied to and feeling like a friend is taking advantage of you. Money does indeed destroy friendships if you let it. I refuse to lend money most of the time now. There are a few people I wouldn't hesitate with because they have proved themselves trustworthy. However, there are many who aren't and I have learnt my lesson and I'm tired of being taken for a stupid mug. A few years ago, Tim was doing a bridging course to get into uni and was living out of home. He dropped out of his course and didn't bother getting the dole. Then he came to me and asked for $50 because he couldn't afford groceries etc. I felt sorry for him so I was going to give it to him when he mentioned a big shoe sale that he was planning on going to. I quickly put two and two together and he confessed with a sly grin that that was where my $50 would have been heading. He had no need for yet another pair of sneakers. He got no money and no sympathy from me from then on.
I don't want to be a scrooge. I want to be generous and if someone was really in need of cash, I wouldn't hesitate and wouldn't expect them to pay me back. But the compassion I have is for the 'real poor' not the 'conveniently poor'. God has convicted me never to call myself poor because compared to the starving millions with no homes and terrible living conditions, I am indeed rich. Many of us have no business calling ourselves 'poor', we wouldn't know poor if it fell over us. We may have less money than others we know but we are millionnaires compared to much of the world.
Those of you living in Perth may have heard that radio ad where a woman is saying that she and her partner both earn over $100K a year and they still feel financially straightjacketed. What the? I earnt far less than that as a librarian and together Duncan and I don't earn anywhere near that now but we are happy. I've never had a credit card and I hope I never do. I do understand that people need them but then they can also be a trap. Some people get them for 'emergencies' then they gradually become a part of everyday life. Want another pair of jeans that you don't really need? Just whack it on the credit card.
I'm also questioning the benefit of high schoolers having casual jobs after school and weekends. On one hand, it's great because the parents are telling their kids that if they want something they have to earn the money themselves. But here's the problem that I see. The kids become used to spending what they earn on their pleasures - CDs, clothes etc. Then when they become adults and real life comes knocking, they've become so used to having everything they want that they elevate these things above the essentials - rent, food etc.
I'm so glad that my parents didn't give me heaps of money when I was growing up. I only got $2 a week pocket money (which was more than some kids got) and if I wanted something, I had to save week after week. For a lot of things, I had to wait for my birthday or Christmas. I used to seeth with jealousy at the things some kids got given to them but in retrospect I can see my parents were trying to do the right thing. The trouble now is that we're such an instant gratification society. We want everything NOW. Save? No way! Just whip out the credit card. For some people, I can see that their parents aren't much better so they haven't got great role models where money is concerned. After all, how can parents lecture their kids when they waste money left, right and centre and are up to their eyeballs in debt themselves.
On Saturday, Duncan was arguing that some people will never change and I was saying that we need to lovingly confront some people about their actions (lovingly is hard though, especially when we've been hurt). I do agree with him that some people will NEVER change and it's no use going on and on at them but I do think we need to invite accountability into our lives. I would hope someone would confront me if I was wasting money and lying, although it wouldn't feel great at the time. It's too easy for us just to say, "Oh that's just Bob, he's always been like that."
I know this is a controversial topic but I just had to say something as I'm getting sick of it!
Maybe we need to be asking what Jesus says about money? But that's a topic for another post.
9 comments:
Hear! Hear! I agree with you on this one. Money (management) is definitely one of many ways we can witness about Christ.
So:
"Why is it that we see people we know developing poor money habits yet we feel like we can't confront them about it?"
It's either we don't have enough love for others (as we don't care), or we simply don't like the side of 'love-rebukes'
I guess it's not just about money, but pretty much everything. For example, I still feel a bit reluctant to rebuke my (christian) friends about the legality in copyright issues.
"I think we need to be inviting others to be accountability partners concerning money"
Agree again, if we want to be secretive with each other in anything, then I guess we have to ask, why?
Hi Rusdy
I think another reason we don't confront is that we're afraid of losing a friendship. I know that's definitely an issue for me.
as a pastor...when I do talk about money...the people who hate it and complain, and say "the church is always asking for money" are normally those who dont give anything to the church (!)
Having said that, I rarely speak about money, because I dont like confrontation either!! But Jesus had more to say about money than just about any other subject.
I hadn't heard money (or sex - another taboo topic in church) talked about by a pastor in church until the last couple of years. I'm not sure if anyone reacted badly to it but one thing I do know....it must be a tough gig to be a pastor sometimes!
One thing I find interesting is that the people who get their backs up when money is mentioned at any time (whether Christian or not)seem to be the ones who love to spend money on themselves but groan at the thought of someone's birthday coming up and they think they have to get a present. Using our money on others is one of many ways we can be a blessing to them.
It has been interesting for me going from churches that 'rarely' talk about money to one that has a 'tithing' talk every week.
Now without getting into discussion on tithing, offering or churches just wanting money, what I have noticed to be interesting is how people at my church now 'seem' to be more willing to discuss the topic than at churches that never talk about it.
I myself have had a hard time getting used to tithing talks each week...because generally in the past these type of things have made me cringe BADLY! But the more I think about it now...the more I wonder if it is actually, possibly, a beneficial process?
I guess if I was to make a call, I prob wouldn't do it EVERY week myself...but I'm starting to lean towards 'every' week being better than barely ever.
I guess also calling it a 'tithing' talk (even though that is how we refer to it) is a little misleading, as when i do it and a few others, i rarely refer to tithing or offering. I mostly talk about money management as a WHOLE, with tithes and offerings as one PART of it.
It has definately been an interesting journey!
Yes you may be right, Middo. Perhaps the more we hear about something the more easier it becomes to listen to....perhaps.
I didn't really intend this post to be about church giving/tithing, rather money management as a whole but it's interesting how most of the comments have gone that way.
I don't think people really know how to budget.
I have friends who complain about not having any money, but they can easily spend over $100 on drink or food that they consume everyday. Like having 5x lattes a day from a cafe or something.
How about you cut back on the lattes and save the money?
Russ & I aren't the biggest earners in our social circle, but I think we do a pretty good job at budgeting.
We have learnt to say "Do I NEED this or is it a WANT?"
I just think it is an educational piece and I completely understand your frustrations!
That's true...many people don't know how to budget and it appears that many don't want to learn either. They think they don't need one and that the money will just keep rolling in.
Recently there was a sermon at my old church on being a Christian and money management and then they held a practical seminar shortly afterwards. This involved having a Christian guy who worked in finance or a similar area come and give us practical advice on how to create budgets. Two of my friends went along and were disappointed with the turnout...only four people! Maybe everyone was just super busy....or maybe deep down many of us have that 'who are you to tell me what to do with my money?' attitude. I would have loved to have gone to a seminar like that.
You are so right on. I loved your rant. I think it is a great opportunity to speak the truth in love whenever someone asks for money. If you know that they're using it unwisely, then kindly say so. It is possible. And, I do think more pastors need to talk about it in the same vein you posted, rather than about tithing alone. A tithe is a only a small part of overall money management and giving.
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