I've been in this special hospital ward for mothers and babies for almost four weeks now, and I'm pleased to say it looks like I'll finally be discharged this Friday.
It has been a turbulent past few weeks. I entered this place at a very low point and Flynn was the most unsettled he'd ever been. He screamed so much the first night I was in a strange place of feeling glad the nurses were handling him, yet yearning to go to him at the same time. For most of our stay, he's been sleeping in the nursery at night, with the night staff bringing him in to me for feeds. Now he's in my room as I prepare for home. He was in our room at home for the first five weeks of his life as I felt I needed him near me. Duncan wasn't too happy about this as he is a light sleeper, but he agreed because it was easier for me. Now I can't wait to get home and get Flynn settled in his own room. Every snort and snuffle keeps me awake!
At times it has felt like one step forward, three steps back. My thoughts have descended to some very dark places as my relationship with Flynn deteriorated at times. The anger and frustration at his lack of sleeping was like a volcano threatening to erupt, and I'm thankful for staff who have stepped in to help. Thankfully I am feeling much more settled, and Flynn is now on medication for reflux and is starting to sleep a bit more (it's still a challenge though). I now have mandatory naps in the afternoon and the staff watch Flynn for me, as they noticed I find the afternoons a real challenge with sleep deprivation.
The staff and patients are lovely and I will never forget the love and support they have shown me. I have formed good friendships with the other ladies here (we even have our own secret Facebook group) and we plan to keep in touch after discharge. I have refused visitors a lot as I need to focus on my recovery and I really haven't felt like talking. Some people don't get it; they think it's going to be like visiting someone in hospital with a broken leg or something. I don't have time for people who expect me to be my old self.
So, now I prepare for home.
I want to go home. I want to be with Rory. It has been really hard on him.
But I'm scared.