Starving

Lately I feel like I've been starving myself to death.

Before you go into panic mode thinking I've got some kind of eating disorder, I better set you straight.

I'm not starving myself physically...rather spiritually.

If you're a Christian then you can probably identify with this as most believers seem to go through these patches. Patches where spending 1-1 time with God seems too...well...hard.

Life is busy and I've been allowing that busyness to choke my spiritual life. I still love going to church and hearing God's word preached. I still love going to bible study and digging into his word there. But that's because I have a group of people around me and that encourages me to do it. I'm struggling to find any motivation to do it on my own.

I loved being at Perth Women's Convention last Saturday because it was a whole day hearing from God.

It's one of those things that is so great when you're actually into it...it's getting started that's the problem. I know it's not only that I'm busy. I'm also lazy.

When I do have the time, I don't do it. In fact I'd rather watch TV because it's easier. I can just sit mindlessly in front of the telly and not have to think much but when I study the bible I really want to concentrate and take in what God is trying to say to me...and let the Holy Spirit work in me so that I can actually live it out.

Praying is also becoming a drag. I'm not one of those people who can pray for long periods of time. I get bored, I get distracted and then I want to do something else. I tend to do lots of little quick prayers throughout the day rather than one sizeable chunk. Is that bad?

I'll just get a few things straight. I'm not angry at God. I WANT to talk to him and read his Word. But when I try, it's hard. My mind starts to wander and I end up saying "God I don't know what to say to you. I really can't be bothered talking to you right now, I'm sorry." Sometimes I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I can't be bothered having a conversation and when I pray sometimes it just feels like it's me talking to God. It's not like talking to another person where they're responding to you straight away.

Slowly I feel like the weeds of life are choking me. It's kind of like comparing junk food with healthy food. I know I should be eating the healthy stuff because it has good long term benefits. But when it comes to the crunch I go for the junk because it's quicker and easier and I have to do less work. But you know what happens when you keep doing that for too long? You feel slimy and unhealthy and longing for some healthy stuff because let's face it - too much KFC (or TV) isn't good.

I've tried to put some plans into action regarding having a regular quiet time/devotional time, whatever you want to call it. I decided I'd rather meet with God in the morning when I'm less tired and arm myself with his truth when I go out into the world for the day. That is not saying that people who spend time with God at night or any other time are wrong, it's just my personal preference. So I decided I would get up at 6am and read the Bible and pray while eating breakfast. It didn't work. I persevered for a while but it just didn't work. For a start, I find it hard to get up in the morning, I end up sleeping in and running late for work. Plus my housemate gets up early as well and it's hard to concentrate when someone else is around. So i tried Plan 2 - reading the Bible in bed before I get up. This hasn't worked yet either because I either sleep in to start with or fall asleep again while trying to read and pray.

Now I've decided to be more disciplined in going to bed earlier so I can rise earlier (actually get up at 6am instead of just saying I will). A good theory. Now I've just got to put it into practice.

I don't feel like God has abandoned me. He hasn't gone anywhere. It's me that has moved away from him.

I'm not trying to have a quiet time so I can feel superior to other people who don't. I want to do it because I've got this great privilege of being able to talk to my Creator and I want to take advantage of that.

I don't think God is angry with me if i don't do it but I know the spiritual benefits it will bring. Besides I think it's pretty cool that the God of the universe actually WANTS to talk to his children.

I don't want to let guilt be the motivating factor.

I want to keep persevering but it's getting pretty disillusioning.

I know that I'm not the only Christian to have gone through this and won't be the last.

Any advice?