Quote of the Day

When you have depression, simply existing is a full time job.
- Unknown

Shipwrecked

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island.  He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.  Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

Then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.  The worst had happened - everything was lost.  He was stunned with grief and anger.
"God, how could you do this to me?" he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island.  It had come to rescue him.
"How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It's easy to get discouraged sometimes when things appear to be going badly.  But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering.  Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.

Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret

The latest biography I read was that of Hudson Taylor - a man I'd never heard of until I was given this book as a gift.

For those, like me, who don't know, Hudson Taylor (1832-1905) was the founder of the China Inland Mission, a mission dedicated to evangelising China's inland, rural millions. This mission is now known as OMF International and has workers throughout south-east Asia.

So, what is Hudson Taylor's spiritual secret?  It is how he learned to be content in all circumstances.  And how did he learn this?  It happened when he had returned to England for a while and spent a few days in Brighton, wrestling with the great need of more missionaries for China:

In great spiritual agony, I wandered out onto the sands alone.  And there the Lord conquered my unbelief, and I surrendered myself to God for this service.  I told Him that all the responsibility as to the issues and consequences must rest with Him; that as His servant it was mine to obey and to follow Him, His to direct, care for and guide me and those who might labour with me.  Need I say that at once peace flowed into my burdened heart? (page 82)

Hudson Taylor is a fantastic example and encouragement of what it means to be content in all circumstances, to obey God and leave the consequences to Him.  The man suffered so much in his life - twice widowed, lost several  of his children to illness, had ill health himself, faced numerous hurdles to his ministry, including riots, slow growth of the ministry....but he never gave up.  He kept praying and persevering in holding out the gospel of grace to the Chinese people, even dressing as a Chinese man in order to become all things to all people, despite some criticism from other missionaries.

The downside of this book is that it's quite boring.  It's an inspiring story, but I found it such a hard slog to read because of the way it is written (it was first written in 1932, but later revised).

Still, I was left feeling both encouraged and rebuked.

Bible Verse of the Day

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:11-13

5 More Health Problems I Had While in Hospital

As if having postnatal depression and anxiety wasn't enough...

1.  The Flu
At first the nurses thought it might be mastitis, but it turned out to be the flu.  My temperature went up to 39 and I had a sore, achy body.  I was kept in isolation for a day so as not to spread it to the other ladies and babies.

2.  Low Vitamin D, Iron and Calcium
I've only ever been low in iron before.  I guess the pregnancy and postnatal period drained my body. Now I'm on a variety of supplements.

3.  A Rash
A hideous rash started on my face and spread right down my chest and my arms.  The doctors think it was an allergic reaction to an antibiotic they put me on (I've never been allergic to any medication before).  In the new year, I'll be heading back to this hospital for testing in the immunology department to confirm this.

4.  Abnormal Blood Tests
Routine blood tests showed there might be something wrong with my thyroid and hormone levels, and there was a possibility there could be a growth on my pituitary gland.  They repeated the tests, just to make sure it wasn't a mistake, and thankfully the initial test was wrong.  Phew!

5.  Abdominal Diastasis
The nurses were concerned that my stomach was still rather protruding and wanted the doctor to check me out.  After ruling out a hernia, he got a physiotherapist to see me and it turns out I have a 3cm abdominal muscle separation.  I carried all out the front with Flynn and my already weak abdominal muscles were stretched to capacity.  I have a few months of physio ahead and, if that doesn't work, I'll opt for surgery.  The last thing I need is people asking me if I'm pregnant again!

Quote of the Day

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears, bears will kill you.

- Unknown

What It's Like Here

I've been in this special hospital ward for mothers and babies for almost four weeks now, and I'm pleased to say it looks like I'll finally be discharged this Friday.

It has been a turbulent past few weeks.  I entered this place at a very low point and Flynn was the most unsettled he'd ever been.  He screamed so much the first night I was in a strange place of feeling glad the nurses were handling him, yet yearning to go to him at the same time.  For most of our stay, he's been sleeping in the nursery at night, with the night staff bringing him in to me for feeds.  Now he's in my room as I prepare for home.  He was in our room at home for the first five weeks of his life as I felt I needed him near me.  Duncan wasn't too happy about this as he is a light sleeper, but he agreed because it was easier for me.  Now I can't wait to get home and get Flynn settled in his own room.  Every snort and snuffle keeps me awake!

At times it has felt like one step forward, three steps back.  My thoughts have descended to some very dark places as my relationship with Flynn deteriorated at times.  The anger and frustration at his lack of sleeping was like a volcano threatening to erupt, and I'm thankful for staff who have stepped in to help.  Thankfully I am feeling much more settled, and Flynn is now on medication for reflux and is starting to sleep a bit more (it's still a challenge though).  I now have mandatory naps in the afternoon and the staff watch Flynn for me, as they noticed I find the afternoons a real challenge with sleep deprivation.

The staff and patients are lovely and I will never forget the love and support they have shown me.  I have formed good friendships with the other ladies here (we even have our own secret Facebook group) and we plan to keep in touch after discharge.  I have refused visitors a lot as I need to focus on my recovery and I really haven't felt like talking.  Some people don't get it; they think it's going to be like visiting someone in hospital with a broken leg or something.  I don't have time for people who expect me to be my old self.

So, now I prepare for home.

I want to go home.  I want to be with Rory.  It has been really hard on him.

But I'm scared.