Lesson 4 from Sarah's School of Dating

Its been a while....

But it's back!!!

My half serious/half light-hearted attempt to be the next guru of the dating world is up to its fourth installment. If you missed the first three lessons - where were you?

Here's your chance to catch up
Lesson 1 - How to reject the offer of a relationship nicely and truthfully
Lesson 2 - What to do when your friend likes the same person as you but that person wants you.
Lesson 3 - Should girls ask guys out?

Now onto Lesson 4....

I had a few ideas about what Lesson 4 was going to be about but then I looked back at my posts last week and realised that they were dominated by the 'M' word.....marriage!

Marriage, weddings, couples, love, romance, 'I do', happily ever after. For some, looking at the photos of weddings I've been to this year and reading about my housemate's wedding may have brought joy and delight. It may have made others think, 'well I'm glad those people are so happy and have found their true love.....but what about me?'

I love weddings! I love seeing people happy, the pretty dresses, the flowers, the cake and the dancing at the reception. I used to have such a good time at weddings but after a while my happiness started to sink soon after the wedding was over. Then it became a painful reminder that I was still alone.

Now that I have Duncan, it's not a struggle anymore but that doesn't mean I don't understand what some single people are going through....and the lies single people are tempted to believe.

For this lesson, I want to bring you some encouragement if you're single. If you're married, engaged or dating someone then this post may help you too in what you say to your single friends....and what not to say.

Last Christmas, I received the book Moments for Singles by Leigh McLeroy as a present from a friend. This friend obviously assumed that I was going through the singles blues and that the book would be helpful. What she didn't know was this couldn't have been further from the truth. I HAD been going through a tough time being single but finally I felt content in my singleness and God had changed me, giving me peace that he was in control, he knew what was best for me and he was more than capable of providing a partner for me if it was his will. Then less than two weeks later, I started going out with Duncan.

So I had a book that probably didn't apply to my life at this point in time but as I flicked through it, one bit really stood out and I knew I could use it to encourage other singles.

This is my summary....

LIES SINGLES BELIEVE

1. You must be perfect (or considerably better than you are now) to be married.

What a load of codswallop....but this was one of the very lies I believed when I was single. I thought that when I reached a certain stage of maturity in my Christian walk, then God would bring my Prince Charming across my path. I'd look at other couples and wonder. What was it that they had that I didn't? I came to the logical conclusion that they must be better than me and if only I could become like them, then I'd get what I wanted and life would be better.

Newsflash! Married people are NOT better than single people. I know some lovely single people and some pretty rotten married people (even Christians) so that throws that theory out the window. And it's not a maturity thing either. There are some pretty immature married Christian couples out there too. Just because I'm with Duncan now does not make me a better person than I was six months ago. Although I hope Duncan and I can spur each other on to love and good deeds, you don't need a romantic partner to do that. Duncan is not my reward for being a good person, he is a gift from God because God is kind - not because I deserve it.

2. Marriage is a merit badge for spiritual maturity.

I fell for this one big time! The trouble is a lot of well-meaning people will say, 'when you finally give it over to God, he will bring you a mate.' Then you get couples starting to tell you how they got to the point of despair and said 'God I give up' and he brought them a spouse. Couples, please don't make finding a mate sound like some special spiritual formula that must be followed and it likens God to some kind of genie. Nobody finally 'gives it all' to God. We are all in the process of being transformed - singles and couples.

3. Your standards are too high.

Another lie I believed. I don't think there's anything wrong with having high standards. The Bible tells us what qualities to look for in a spouse and these are to do with CHARACTER. It becomes a problem if people want a PERFECT spouse or place too much emphasis on the physical appearance they want their spouse to have (ie. tall with short blonde spikey hair, a six pack and a tattoo of a dragon on their left shoulder). I had people who suggested to me I was single because I wouldn't consider a non Christian for a spouse. If you're a Christian and waiting for a godly Christian spouse, then can I encourage you to keep trusting God with this? I'm not saying non Christians are bad but the Bible is clear that Christians are to marry Christians and non Christians are to marry non Christians.

4. There is no-one left worth having.

You're left aren't you? You're worth having. I remember cringing when friends who were in relationships used to say 'I got the last good man.' I almost cried when I heard that and reinforced the lie I was believing that there was no-one left for me. Couples, please do not say such things, even if you are joking. It sounds very insensitive to single people.

5. You're being punished.

I assumed I was single because all the bad stuff I'd done in the past had come back to bite me on the bum. Not true. It's not about karma and it makes wrong assumptions about God. It assumes he is not a God of grace and that married people are married because they've earned it. In Christ, God has withheld what we really deserve and that is punishment by death for our sin at great cost to himself. He has graciously forgiven us.

This was based on Moment Ten: The Ring Game from Moments For Singles by Leigh Mc Leroy. (C) 2004. Navpress.

Be encouraged by Charles Spurgeon - "The longer the blessing is in coming, the richer it will be when it arrives. The blessing which costs us the most prayer will be worth the most."