Well, I had planned my new blog to start off on a bright, happy note and until recently I'd been feeling VERY happy. But now I'm anything but.
Recently I've been wondering what on earth God wants me to do with my life and I've been praying for him to take me down off the shelf and use me. I've been told this is a very scary thing to pray because God might actually take me up on my offer but I feel I need to get out of this rut I'm in. Last night I was talking to my Mum on the phone and I ended up breaking down and confessing that I really don't want to be a librarian - I did my undergraduate degree in Communication and Cultural Studies at Curtin and for ages I've wanted to write Christian fiction that is honest and real and introduces people to Jesus in a book that would end up in a secular bookshops where non Christians can get it and not just at Koorong or Word where they'd never go anyway. I also LOVE acting yet I haven't done any for 2 1/2 years and I miss it. Although being a librarian is not all bad, I work with great people (all non-Christians - what opportunity!) and the job isn't really stressful - I just want more than this. And it's frustrating cos every move I've made to try and improve things has been blocked. Two months ago I went to my boss and asked if I could work 4 days a week instead of full time cos I want to spend one day a week writing my novel. She wanted to help me but the big wigs in the library denied my request. I've also tried entering short stories in competitions but have failed to make the finals in any of them. I've looked for other jobs all over the country - nothing! Meh, it's like I can't leave the library. Yet I KNOW that part of my desire to go into the arts is for own recognition etc. I know that's dodgy to be doing things with such a selfish motive. Yet I became aware recently that when I was studying Performance Studies at Curtin, I was in a pantomime 4 years ago with 3 people who have gone on to have success - one is part of the breakfast show on 96fm, one has a regular role on All Saints and the other had a guest role on All Saints last week. And I'm just a librarian and yes I'm jealous.
Secondly, things at my church CCC have been going a lot better this year. Since our new pastor has arrived, I've felt there is a lot more unity and people are growing in their love for one another. I prayed for this for ages and even considered leaving at one stage last year but God really is at work and I want to be a part of that. I particularly love meeting with the women in my prayer and bible study group, they have been such a blessing.
Ok, I hear you say, so what's the problem? This sounds great BUT I constantly get asked by well-meaning Christians and non Christians about when I am going to find a guy and get married. Now this shouldn't bother me but it does cos I really WOULD love to meet someone but it's frustrating cos I can't seem to find the right person ANYWHERE or even get opportunities to meet more people. And it's been suggested to me that I leave CCC and go church-hopping to meet someone. I have a few friends facing a similar dilemma at their churches.
Now I'm in a bit of a quandry - I'm enjoying being a part of CCC yet I know if I stay, chances are I'll be single forever. And I feel bad about leaving church for that reason cos that's not the purpose for church. I want to give, not just see what I can get out of it.
Anyway, my mum is not a Christian and basically told me to leave CCC (cos she reckons church is a bad influence and Christians are weird), that I should date non-Christians, including going on blind dates with people I know aren't suitable. Don't get me wrong there are lot's of lovely non-Christians out there but I want to marry a Christian. And I reckon she thinks writing is a waste of time and I should just stay at the library.
So as you can see, I'm torn. Torn between wanting worldly stuff, wanting happiness etc (even though I DO want to help people find Jesus as well) and just staying put and trusting that God can work things out. As I was thinking about this last night, I came to realise THAT I DO NOT TRUST GOD. I'm not happy about where I'm at in life and I know that God CAN do something about it but WILL he? And I'm really tempted to just go out and "help" God ie. make massive changes myself so I can feel better. I guess what I'm asking is is it ok to do this? Should we just sit back and let God be God or does he want us to be proactive? Is he just saying I'll bless whatever you decide?
I told my housemate last night that it is quite likely I'll rock up at our 10 year high school reunion in 4 years time (yes I tend to think ahead) and be the biggest loser in the room - a single Christian librarian. She wisely pointed out that this is NOT how God sees me and how the best and most "successful" decision you could ever make is to follow Jesus. Yet, I'm still stuck and I've prayed and still don't know what to do. Should I move church and jobs and possibly states searching for happiness when it could still elude me? Or should I wait (and I'm so sick of waiting)?
If you're reading this, even if you're a complete random from some random place, please pray that I can make good decisions and trust God more.
Yes, I know I'm such an ungrateful person after all God has done. It could be much worse but right now I can't think properly. Maybe one day soon I can reread this post and thank God that I have clothes to wear, a house to live in and that I don't have AIDS.
P.S. Congrats if you read through all that.
7 comments:
hey, i will be praying for you Sarah:) I've been going through some similar thoughts for a while now and only recently has God lit the path I feel he wants me to walk. Waiting is hard, very hard...but living for Christ in a world that is so against him is probably never going to be entirely easy:) Waiting seems hard now...but all we have is the hope that it will be worth it, and this hope we can trust to be real:)
Thank you Mr Middleton :)
hahaha wow, Mr Middleton...i feel so old:D Perhaps putting that as my profile name was not so wise!
Call me James or Middo:)
Haha. I think Mr Middo sounds good :)
the name is Middo...Mr Middo;)
Hey Sarah-ee! It's Janey from church! Hi to everyone else out there too. I feel exactly like how you've described too... I think it's cause you go thru school and uni kind of goal-orientated, as in you just want to get a job at the end. Then about 2 years into your job you go, ok now what? Somehow there's too many options and you're kind of stuck, paralysed, not sure where to go from here. Anyway, I don't know the answer but Sara Groves has this song 'Hello Lord' that kind of sums it up:
Hello Lord, it's me your child.
I have a few things on my mind.
Right now I'm faced with big decisions,
and I'm wondering if you have a minute.
Right now I don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up.
I know that you tore the veil so that I could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying,
but right now, I just can't hear you.
I don't doubt your sovereignty,
I doubt my ability to hear what you're saying and do the right thing,
and I desperately want to do the right thing.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I think you are telling me to wait,
and though patience has never been mine,
Lord I will wait to hear from you.
With the whole thing about God seeming to block you from doing things you try to do, I reckon try not to get angry and bitter (been there), but if you are, definitely have it out with God, like don't smoulder quietly. ;)
As regards finding a Someone Special, I would encourage you to take some actions. This is speaking as someone who had a hope that God might have something up his sleeve, but is coming to realise that he doesn't, and I should have done more, but now it is too late.
1. God hasn't given you clear instructions about what he wants you to do.
2. He has given you an indication that his intention is for you to be married, by the fact that you are created a woman. I mean, some people look for signs from God in vague things like odd coincidences or feelings. But this is a physical sign written in your body and being. It's a fairly clear indication of God's intentions.
3. If God gives you other instructions that over-ride this, go with them. In the absence of that, then point 2 is worth some consideration.
4. If God did tell you to go be a missionary in China, you wouldn't sit around waiting until someone kidnapped you and took you to China. No, you'd be saving money, learning Chinese etc. Likewise with this, don't sit around waiting for someone to fall out of the sky, take some actions.
5. It is wrong going to church to find a husband or wife. You go to worship God. But as to which particular church you go to, other practical considerations are valid. For example, one you are doing right now is distance. You are going to a church that is located a reasonable distance from you. And that's OK. Meeting a prospective partner is another valid secondary consideration. You have to find a good Bible teaching church, but out of the available good Bible teaching churches, secondary factors count. Such as distance. And eligible partners.
6. The big trick is to keep it in proportion. God made you for that, and it's important, but it's not the most important thing. It's easy for that to creep up. Also don't focus on your own need / inadequacy (umm, I mean, I do that too much). Keep your primary focus on loving and serving God and others.
Go out and meet more people and make lots of friends.
Maybe check out other churches in the morning. Although, some churches have their 'younger' services at night. Go after CCC if there's time, or skip CCC every third week.
You might want to ignore me. What would I know, I'm despairing and desperate, and have dubious views about God.
Plus, if you ignore me then we will continue to enjoy your company at CCC.
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