I've been living in Buntine for over 18 months now and have been doing some reflecting on my time up here so far.
If you've ever been the new guy (or girl) in any situation, then you will probably be able to relate to this post. Some days I still feel like an alien. I'm not local. Apparently you need to have lived in a place for at least 20 years before you're considered a local, so I have 18.5 to go!
I've discovered that while everyone else welcomes the alien on the surface, the alien doesn not share the privileges lavished upon everyone else. The arrival of the alien means increased population (especially if the alien were to spawn more life in the future), more hands to tasks and fresh ideas. But it is dangerous for the alien to just assume they are suddenly one of them. The alien doesn't decide that. It is decided for them.
The alien can participate, but not criticise. Everyone loves the alien when they join in with everyone, but the alien is not to speak out against the prevailing culture. If the alien dares to criticise, they will surely receive 'the look', reminding them they are still on the outer and not yet in the centre of the fold.
Nobody ever says this quite so bluntly, but I know my place. It's not my place to criticise Dally. It's not my place to speak out against the prevailing culture of drink driving. It's like when you join a new workplace and you sit quietly at morning tea before becoming comfortable enough to join in conversations and knowing you're accepted as a fully-fledged member of the workplace.
Don't get me wrong....I love it up here! But as I look back on our 18 months of living here together, I can't help but feel disappointed. Disappointed because I had such grand plans of reaching out to people in love, in hospitality, in friendship and, hopefully, with the good news of the gospel and I can't help but feel that we've failed. While the church up here has given me such a warm welcome, we have found it much harder to build friendships in the wider community. Right now I'm in the place of feeling that all of our friends up here are Christians. The place may be small, but cliques exist. I've tried to get involved through netball, through work, through fitness classes, through tennis....but it seems the best places to meet other women is through the school and playgroup. But we don't have kids! I'm finding it hard to get to know young mums outside the church for this reason! There is a mums and bubs club!
Then, of course, we find ourselves in the position of trying to be salt and light and being in the world but not of the world. We felt it recently at my netball team's windup. To put it simply, it was a major piss-up. I guess I'm somewhat used to this environment due to being surrounded by it during my student housing and theatre days, but for Duncan, it's like being in a foreign culture. And I feel uncomfortable too. I want to love these people, to get to know them....but there are barriers. I will always look different because I'm a Christian. I will always be an alien of some sort.
From being the new person, I've learnt it is always, ALWAYS up to the established people to welcome the outsider. It is not the newcomer's job to muscle their way into cliques and look like a tryhard. I've wanted to go beyond the shallow connections I've built up through my various networks by inviting people over for dinner but a nagging doubt remains. Would they come? Shouldn't THEY be the ones inviting US for dinner? We're the new people! Should I just take a leap of faith?
Despite my feelings of failure, I'm not going to give up. Moving is not the answer because it's likely another country town will be just the same. I'm going to persist in this thing called following Jesus in this place because it is His work after all.
4 comments:
If you want to get to know the Mums maybe try to do something that will help them out....not sure what, you'll have to see what they need but I'm thinking babysitting or even ironing for them etc... anything to give you a bridge to a relationship.
Hmmmm don't fancy the b-word but the i-word sounds better....except I'm learning that many people these days don't iron, they just fold. Distance is also a problem because we can't afford to keep going into Dally all the time. I'm thinking that we need to focus our attention on Buntine people.
Also, my point wasn't that I'm specifically targetting mums, rather that if you're a mum moving to a new town, then at least there is a group of women in the same stage of life. I can only guess that as kids make friends, it opens doors for their mums to get to know each other too. Unfortunately, apart from church, there is no ready-made group for us and as I get older, I find it harder to make friends. It doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying, just that more effort is required and it's more awkward than when I was at school.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Having moved around a bit, breaking into social circles is always hard, until you can find a common experience or characteristic you can share. In a small, farming community it becomes even more difficult.
Hopefully with the new job, especially in working with different committees etc, a few more social barriers will be broken.
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