Marriage 101: Mrs Duncan?

I've found one of the most difficult parts of marriage to be not the actual changing of my last name, but the partial loss of identity I have experienced as a married woman. You see, since we've been married, many people seemed to have assumed that I've disappeared off the face of the earth and just been absorbed into Duncan. Sound strange? Let me explain....

Since we've been married, we've maintained separate email addresses and separate mobile numbers, but in the immediate months after our wedding, more and more mutual friends seemed to be contacting me via Duncan. They stopped emailing me at the email address I've had since 2001 and I even heard via the grapevine that some people assumed I had closed my email down and was now using Duncan's. Suddenly emails addressed to both of us appeared in Duncan's inbox and all texts relaying important news such as invitations, engagements and birth of babies were sent to his phone.

Now I can understand Duncan's family and friends contacting me via him because they didn't have my contact details but what astounded me was the growing number of mutual friends who chose to tell Duncan things before me. I'm guessing that this was because sending too many texts was expensive and they assumed Duncan would pass on messages to me but guess what....he often doesn't. He doesn't always check his email, he sometimes forgets to pass on messages and, as a result, I often feel like I'm the last to know about everything important. We've had so many conversations with me starting with, "Why didn't you tell me about that?" and Duncan replying, "Oh didn't I? I must have forgot." Coupled with the fact that we're quite isolated, I've found this tendency to cut off contact with me hurtful. People have asked me what I thought about the latest photos of their baby or why I haven't replyed to their email and they look astonished when I tell them I never received it. When I ask what email address they sent it to and they say Duncan's, I groan inwardly.

I don't understand why people would just assume that I would close down my email address because I'm married. Sure, lots of married couples have joint emails but Duncan's email address is his name. Why would we want an email address only with his name in it? Gee, that makes me feel like I've really faded into insignifance. So, I sent an email out telling everyone that those who were saying that I'd closed down my email were wrong and that they could still contact me at the same address; that if they were emailing both of us, I'd appreciate it if they sent it to both emails. I know some people were still contacting me as usual and not only going through Duncan, but this email was for those who weren't.

Why is it always the woman who seems to disappear when a couple get married? I didn't have a problem with changing my name. In fact, I kind of like using my married name for everyday life and my maiden name as my writing name, but for one of my good friends, this was a huge issue. She not only changed her name, she moved into her husband's house, had to get rid of a lot of her things and happened to change jobs around the time of her wedding. She felt like she'd lost her identity and, while I didn't have a major identity crisis, I just wanted people to know that despite all the changes I'd been through, I was still Sarah. Mrs Sarah instead of Miss Sarah, but still Sarah nevertheless and not Mrs Duncan. I hate those stupid traditions where envelopes are addressed Mr and Mrs Duncan. No, I'm Mrs Sarah, so the envelope should be addressed Mr and Mrs Duncan and Sarah. Grrrr.

Yes, a married couple are two who have become one, but a married woman does not disappear and become her husband.