Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Where I Am and Where I've Been

I haven't updated this blog for a while.

It hasn't been my intention.

I finally crashed on the Easter weekend.  In hindsight I can see that I was a timebomb just waiting to go off.  Counselling and time were never going to be enough to help me recover from postnatal depression and anxiety.  While Duncan, Rory and I were in Dunsborough visiting his parents, I sunk to a new low.  I didn't want to be a mother anymore.  I wanted Rory to go away.  I didn't want to feed him.  I couldn't get out of bed.  I wanted to die in my sleep and go to be with Jesus.  It was the darkest place I have been in my life. 

On Easter Saturday night, Duncan and a friend of ours took me to Bunbury Hospital (an hour away from Dunsborough).  I spent six days there recovering from sleep deprivation.  The nurses and occupational therapists took me for walks to help me get back on my feet.  I did programs such as relaxation and cognitive behaviour therapy. Duncan did a two hour round trip to visit me every day and bring Rory in to see me.  All the while I was waiting for a transfer to this place as soon as a bed became available.

I've now been in this special place for mothers and babies for 10 days.  I'm on medication and participating in programs to help me get well.  I have nurses on hand around the clock to help me care for Rory and grow in my mothering skills.  I feel like I've come a long way, but there is still such a long way to go.  I'm determined not to rush my recovery.  Going home still seems a fair while away at this stage which is fine with me.  My anxiety is still bad and I have trouble sleeping without medication. 

Postnatal depression is real, serious and crippling.  I've met women who have been so traumatised from the birth and lost blood, their hormones went haywire and they suffered from psychosis.  There is still such a stigma surrounding mental illness and that needs to be broken.  Women suffering this way cannot simply get well by 'thinking positive' or 'toughening up'.

Over the past fortnight I've met so many wonderful nursing staff at two hospitals who I will never forget.  I don't know what God is doing and why He's allowing me to suffer this way.  I just have to trust that it's part of His plan which I can't see, and that as I look back to the cross, He loves me and has not abandoned me.


Deb said...

Sorry to hear that it's been such a hard time. So glad that God has provided access to such good medical care. Will be praying for you, Duncan and Rory.

bettyl said...

I have to say that I didn't know that post-partum had such extreme degrees. I'm glad you are getting help. I know God is still in control.

You are in my prayers.

Karen said...

Oh, Sarah :( I had noticed you had gone quiet and I was hoping nothing was wrong :( I've been in a bit of a blogging hole myself for the last little while (not enough time to think of anything worth posting) so I was hoping maybe you were feeling the same. So sorry to hear that it was a bit worse than that.

So glad to hear you are getting the right help now, and glad those OTs helped with getting you sorted too ;) Please look after yourself, it's so hard to believe things like this are part of God's sovereign plan when you are in the middle of them, but hang onto that trust in His love for you. Because it IS all we have to hang onto when it's like this.

A couple of good book recommendations (if you are up to them!....I always find it comforting to read when I'm in a deep hole of sadness but feel free to ignore if that's not you...). Jean has been reviewing When Jesus Weeps by Joni Earackson Tada and Steve Estes over at her blog in all honesty (sounds like a great read), and a few of us in blogland have been reading Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges.

Do keep us updated on how you're going, won't you. Praying that you'll continue to take those small steps out of the fog and that you'll start enjoying the time spent with Rory a lot more xxx

Jenny said...

Praying for God's healing power and strength as you face the days ahead. My heart goes out to you.

Meredith said...

Thanks be to God that you are receiving such good care and that you are able to take your time. Shall be praying for you and for Duncan at this time.

The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Iris Flavia said...

So sorry to hear! Good thing you found such great help, though. Wishing you all the best Sarah...

Milika said...

Yay for support.
Have been praying for you, Duncan and Rory during blog silence.

Libby said...

Will pray for you too

Emma said...

I praise God for your courage in sharing. I'm so glad you experienced such wonderful care. I will continue to pray for you, Rory & Dunc.