I haven't updated this blog for a while.
It hasn't been my intention.
I finally crashed on the Easter weekend. In hindsight I can see that I was a timebomb just waiting to go off. Counselling and time were never going to be enough to help me recover from postnatal depression and anxiety. While Duncan, Rory and I were in Dunsborough visiting his parents, I sunk to a new low. I didn't want to be a mother anymore. I wanted Rory to go away. I didn't want to feed him. I couldn't get out of bed. I wanted to die in my sleep and go to be with Jesus. It was the darkest place I have been in my life.
On Easter Saturday night, Duncan and a friend of ours took me to Bunbury Hospital (an hour away from Dunsborough). I spent six days there recovering from sleep deprivation. The nurses and occupational therapists took me for walks to help me get back on my feet. I did programs such as relaxation and cognitive behaviour therapy. Duncan did a two hour round trip to visit me every day and bring Rory in to see me. All the while I was waiting for a transfer to this place as soon as a bed became available.
I've now been in this special place for mothers and babies for 10 days. I'm on medication and participating in programs to help me get well. I have nurses on hand around the clock to help me care for Rory and grow in my mothering skills. I feel like I've come a long way, but there is still such a long way to go. I'm determined not to rush my recovery. Going home still seems a fair while away at this stage which is fine with me. My anxiety is still bad and I have trouble sleeping without medication.
Postnatal depression is real, serious and crippling. I've met women who have been so traumatised from the birth and lost blood, their hormones went haywire and they suffered from psychosis. There is still such a stigma surrounding mental illness and that needs to be broken. Women suffering this way cannot simply get well by 'thinking positive' or 'toughening up'.
Over the past fortnight I've met so many wonderful nursing staff at two hospitals who I will never forget. I don't know what God is doing and why He's allowing me to suffer this way. I just have to trust that it's part of His plan which I can't see, and that as I look back to the cross, He loves me and has not abandoned me.