Marriage 101: The Other Side

One of the exciting things about getting married is that it opens doors to having more people in your life which you'll hopefully have treasured relationships with.  I look back now and think of all the people I've met through Duncan, who I didn't know three and a half years ago.

Unfortunately this can also be one of the downsides...

When I was single, it seemed like a neverending battle to maintain strong relationships with my family and friends.  Distance and lack of time posed as problems.  I have a small family, but even then it was hard to find time to see them regularly.

Now that I've married into a HUGE family, it feels like I'm drowning.  Duncan's family keeps in touch with all of their distant relatives (great aunts, third cousins etc), and now there are more people to catch up with....and less time.  Plus we've got to throw all our friends into the mix, it's no wonder we often feel time poor.

We only have so much room in our lives to build meaningful relationships so something's got to give.  Over time, we've found some relationships have grown stronger and others have waned.  Sometimes this is due to distance, but often it's because we're learning how to relate to our loved ones as a couple.  Being married doesn't solve all of your social problems; it just gives you new ones.  Yes, you have a partner to accompany you to things, but you also get invited to twice as many events, and then you have to choose.

Being introduced to the 'other side' is quite a scary business.  I found myself wondering if they'd like me and accept me into the fold, and Duncan has wondered the same about my family and friends.  Most people have been great.  I'm grateful to some of Duncan's family, especially some of his cousins, who have gone out of their way to befriend me and make me feel welcome.  Sometimes this has been done by Facebook, such as sending me messages, asking questions about myself.  Now some people would probably find this nosey and get defensive, but I like it that people have shown such a genuine interest, and I appreciate their efforts and try to respond as well as I can.

But there will always be a few people you just don't click with.  It's not that these people are nasty, but sometimes there is a personality clash, or they don't seem to take much of an interest in getting to know Duncan or myself (depending on which side they're from).  Often we've gone to catch up with a friend or family member and one of us has been bored out of our brain.  I especially struggle with being stuck in a social situation with a shy person because I struggle with shyness myself, yet I'm asking questions and trying to initiate a conversation only to be grunted at.  I've told Duncan I especially enjoy hanging out with his friends who have loud, effervescent personalities.  It makes it so much easier to keep a conversation going when that person is interested in what you have to say and eager to chat.  Honestly, I could chat to some of Duncan's friends and family all day, they are that engaging.  And on the other side, I love the way Duncan has adopted my Nan as his own, and stirs her up whenever he can (he can do no wrong in her eyes).

When it comes to those we don't get on so well, we have found we need to strike a balance between honesty and grace.  We have to tell each other when we don't particularly get on well with someone, and would prefer to spend less time with them because they make us feel uncomfortable, or that they just won't talk to us.  But we can't just shoot each other's family and friends down because that makes us angry and defensive at each other.  Duncan has told me that while he gets on well with the majority of my side, there are others he battles with because they talk only to me and ignore him, and I've felt the same about some of his side.  Yet, I need to understand that some people are very important to Duncan and I need to make an effort because I'm his wife (and vice versa).  It's too easy to just catch up with mutual friends and we've already fallen into this trap a bit.  We've started to learn that we need to keep other important relationships alive too.

Sometimes it's hard to make an effort, and occasionally I've gotten 'bad vibes' from some people, like they don't really think that much of me, or think I'm not good enough for Duncan.  I'm hoping I've totally misread them because it does make me feel quite uncomfortable.  I heard ages ago that one person thought that because Duncan and I went out dancing after our engagement party, that he was being lead astray from Jesus.  As you can imagine, I was pretty livid when it got back to me, and I felt my hackles rising at being judged like this by someone who hardly knew me.  It was like they were accusing me of being an evil Jezebel who was leading dear, sweet little Duncan astray.  I'm grateful for people who set things straight.  Sometimes pure acceptance with no strings attached is very difficult to find.

We both know we've got to keep things in perspective, and that although the majority we get on very well with, there are others we will need to make an effort with out of our love for each other.  Yet, we also need to listen to each other if someone is making us feel particularly uncomfortable or is a really bad influence.

If you're married or in a long-term relationship, please share your experiences.  Do you get on well with your spouse/partner's friends and family?  How well do you do at negotiating who to see and how often?

Guess Who's 27 on Sunday.....

....ME!!!

This is a blast from the past!  Here I am playing the chocolate game at my thirteenth birthday party in 1996.

That's me on the far right if you can't tell.  Yes, one of the best things I've ever done is get rid of that disgusting fringe!

I can't believe this was 14 years ago.  Scary!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)

5 Tips For Tipsters

Attention all AFL fans!  How are you going with your footy tips this year?

Tipping for money doesn't sit well with my conscience.  I used to do it at my old workplace, but I felt God convicting me that it wasn't a wise use of money.  Last year I joined Rodney from The Journey's online footy tipping competition, and I think I finished on top.  There is no money involved, but this year Rodney is going to offer a prize.  Too bad I'm not doing nearly so well this year!

Here are my five top tips for tipsters:

1.  Consider factors such as injuries, hoodoo grounds, losing streaks, head-to-head records and current odds.
2.  Don't automatically tip your favourite team (yes, I tip against my Eagles, and sometimes they prove me wrong...doh!)  Go with your head and not with your heart.
3.  When in doubt, tip the home team.
4.  When in doubt, go with your gut.
5.  Don't tip a roughy/smokey each week.  Upsets do happen, but more often than not, results are what was expected.

Host Etiquette

Since we've been married, Duncan and I have had our fair share of opportunities to play host to a number of different guests in our little cottage.  Although we are starting to become seasoned veterans, we are always on the lookout to improve our hosting skills.  And how can we do this?  By being guests in other people's houses and learning what should and shouldn't be done when rolling out the welcome mat.

Here are some of the expectations we place upon ourselves when expecting visitors:

• We will make sure we have enough food in the house.
• We will cook meals for them and not expect them to pay to go out for dinner at the pub or motel when they may be on a tight budget.
• We will make sure the house is clean.
• We will not invite more people than we can sleep comfortably in our house.
• We will consider those with 'special requirements'.  This means I will cook a vegetarian dish if a guest is a vegetarian, or I will put Ebony outside and rid the house of cat hair if someone is allergic to cats.
• We will show them a bit of what our life is like up here ie. inviting them to church, taking them on a tour of the farm, taking them into town on a Saturday morning etc.
• We will give them the opportunity to just put their feet up and relax and not inundate them with 'activities'.
• We will switch our airconditioning on for them in summer (I've stayed with some people in summer who have aircon but never switch it on, and I'm sitting there having a bath in my own sweat.  How stingy can you get?)

While I enjoy hosting friends and family and sharing a bit of our lives with them, I do have my limits.  Hence, I will NOT do the following:

• Mollify people who just want to complain that our place isn't like Perth.
• Buy lots of 'entertainment' for bored people.  No, we are not buying a Wii, we are not providing heaps of toys for your kids (I have one bag of op shop toys and some craft supplies, but that's it).  If you want something in particular, you have to bring it yourself.
• Listen to criticism about the size of our house (we did warn you).
• Go out of my way for people with upmarket tastes ie. people who only drink one brand of coffee.  We have most food items here, but if you're going to be a snob, then you bring your own (see second dot point).

I think we all have expectations of our hosts, and of ourselves when we're wearing the hosting cap.  Sometimes these expectations are realistic, sometimes they're not.  I understand that some people are in different stages of life; for example, if you're staying with people who have young children, you can't expect a pristine house.  I don't want my hosts to put on a grand show for me, but if they're not going to bother to spend any time with me, then I do wonder why they invited me in the first place.  Some people are probably going to be offended at this, but when I stay with someone, I expect them to offer me a meal, or at least have a few slices of bread and some milk available so I can make something myself.  I've stayed with some people and opened their fridge, and I swear there is nothing edible in it.  It costs me so much money to stay with some people because I have to buy breakfast, lunch and dinner for each day that I'm there.  When I ask them if they have a slice of bread so I can make some toast, they reply airily, "Oh I don't eat breakfast...or I go to Hungry Jack's on the way to work...or I just have a coffee and a smoke."  I will never understand people who don't eat breakfast, or do not have something other than the light in their fridge.  I'm on a budget so I can't afford to eat out all the time.  But some people don't even consider cooking a meal, they just say, "Oh, let's just go out for dinner" (again!)  Great, that's another $30 down the drain!

Don't invite people if you can't provide the basics.  I don't expect a family in a two-bedroom apartment to offer to host me.  I think the people who should be offering are those with spare rooms who can have guests without having ten people squished in their loungeroom.

If you'd like to be our guest,
We will try our very best,
To make your stay simply grand,
Out here in this spacious land.

But while we'll try to meet your needs,
Your wants are another thing indeed.
Don't bring a desire to complain,
And you'll leave feeling much more sane.

So if you'd like to be a host,
At least offer your guests some toast.
Provide the basics, not a banquet hall.
Or don't invite guests at all.

Belle in Beauty and the Beast

While part of me enjoys the simple life, the other half yearns for an amazing adventure.  Perhaps that's why I can relate to Belle's song in Disney's Beauty and the Beast.  I'm not someone who could be born in one place, live there my whole life, and then die there.  It's not about wanting to travel; it's about wanting to...actually I don't really know.  It's a kind of restlessness that makes me want to move on to the next thing, but knowing I need to remember that everything happens at the right time, and I need to enjoy this moment right now.  Maybe God hasn't given me my big adventure yet because he knows I might not be able to handle the stress?  Oh well...one day perhaps...

Little town.
It's a quiet village.
Ev'ry day,
Like the one before.
Little town,
Full of little people

There goes the baker with his tray, like always,
The same old bread and rolls to sell.
Ev'ry morning just the same,
Since the morning that we came,
To this poor provincial town.

I want much more than this provincial life.
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.
I want it more than I can tell.
And for once it might be grand,
To have someone understand,
I want so much more than they've got planned.

From Head to Hand: The End!

Starting a story is easy.

Ending it is much harder.

When I read a book, I want the ending to be realistic yet fulfilling.  The schmaltzy Hollywood conclusions where everyone lives happily ever after only do so much for me.  But, on the other hand, I don't like endings that are too random or just plain miserable.  Novel reading is meant to offer a sense of escapism after all, and I don't want to be reminded too much of the stark realities of life.

For a long time I toyed with two possible endings for my book.  One is happier, but still has its downsides.  It's positive, but not perfect.  I think most readers will feel fulfilled, but still not have everything happen that they may have liked.  The other ending would have thrown some readers a bit more, and I think some may have been disappointed.  Therefore, I decided on the first ending.

I've watched a fair few movies in recent years with somewhat random endings.  Without warning, the credits started rolling, and I was left staring at the TV screen wondering, "Is that it?"  In my view, you can't just stop a storyline out of nowhere with no form of resolution and expect audience/reader satisfaction.

A silly ending can really ruin an otherwise good story, and then the reader is not going to remember the fabulous twists and turns in the plot; they will only remember the ridiculous conclusion which sunk the whole storyline.  I remember a few years back I was watching the Australian movie Lantana, and was completely fascinated by the mystery in the storyline, wondering how on earth such a great plot was going to resolve itself, only to be disappointed by the completely lame ending.  If you're writing a piece of fiction, I suggest you have a clear view of the plot from start to finish, and how it is going to end.  Writing with no real direction risks a dumb ending that can change an otherwise positive view of your work.

How about you?  If you've written any fiction, did you find it easy to end your work?  If you're a reader, what sort of endings satisfy you?

Give Me The Simple Life by Steve Tyrell

Here is a song which describes one half of me as I wrote about in The Pendulum: Do I Stay or Do I Go Now?  I love the fact that, although still busy, my life no longer feels like an out-of-control rollercoaster the way it did in Perth.  On one hand, I do really enjoy and yearn for the simple life.

I don't believe in frettin' and grievin';
Why mess around with strife?
I never was cut out to step and strut out.
Give me the simple life.

Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant.
Those things roll off my knife.
Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes.
Give me the simple life.

A cottage small is all I'm after;
Not one that's spacious and wide.
A house that rings with joy and laughter,
And the ones you love inside.

Some like the high road, I like the low road,
Free from the care and strife.
Sounds corny and seedy, but yes, indeed-y;
Give me the simple life.