The Pendulum: Do I Stay or Do I Go Now?

This post is probably going to be quite strange after my last one, and I apologise for the fact that it's just one big undiluted mind-dump.

Until recently, I always thought we would live up here for an extended period of time.  I have a strong conviction about committing myself to a place and being part of a community.  I was aware that adjustment takes time, and I don't want to be a quitter like so many of Generation Y who change jobs, towns, churches and relationships, always convinced that they're missing out on something better.

But just a few weeks ago, a strong feeling of discontent came seemingly out of nowhere, and I found myself in tears.  Basically, the struggles I described in The Alien and the Clique are still happening, and I can't see things changing any time soon.

On one hand I feel strongly about staying in this place, and raising our children (if we have any) in the country, and teaching them to be strong, devoted members of a community.  I want to help our church grow and reach out.  I like the slower, more peaceful life.

But, on the other hand, I'm missing some people terribly.  I miss being a part of a church which is driven by a passion for local mission.  I miss being around people with ideas and having the opportunity to get alongside them and help their idea become reality.  I came from a church which is passionate about Bible study groups/small groups/homegroups (whatever you want to call them)....meeting together to study God's word and share our lives.  Here a lot of people don't want to bother with Bible study, like they don't think it has any benefits.  Duncan and I are not leader types.  We are indians, not chiefs.  We like to get behind and support things that are already happening.  But nothing much is happening.  A number of people from my church have told me that unfortunately the church has been too inward-focused for years, resulting in a number of locals not even knowing our church exists!  Imagine that, in a town of approximately 700 people!  But I can't change things.  Who am I kidding?  I have so many ideas my head hurts, but I don't know who to go to bounce my ideas off, someone who will give me constructive feedback and not just shoot my ideas down.

On the other hand, I like being at a more relaxed church.  In that sense, moving up here has been really good for me.  I like the way the church is not dominated by weeknight meetings and events, and I get some time just to chill.  This is in stark contrast to my old church where I would be out several nights a week and found it too much.  But I would like to see the church up here do a few outreachy things together; they will just look different to the events done in Perth.

I struggle living in a town so dominated by one industry - agriculture.  We live on a farm, my husband works on a farm, everybody is connected with farming in some way.  Now I even work in a job related to agriculture.  I feel like I am drowning in agriculture!  I don't understand it, I'm not passionate about it.  Some people are...that's obvious...and that's great for them.  But trying to get me to understand farming is like trying to make me a mathematician.  I'm not good at maths and that's not where my passions lie.  I enjoy the admin side of my job....but I struggle because now it seems like my life is being choked by the agricultural industry.  I'm used to going to church and have everybody talk about GOD because he is who unites us after all.  People at my old church seldom talk about their jobs, or at least not the technical side of things because we all work in different areas.  Here I go to church and everybody just talks about farming!  I just want to be able to relate to people, but there is a side to farming I will never understand.  I enjoy the peace and quiet of the farm and the beauty of the sunsets and wide open spaces.  But I'm here to support Duncan....not to become a super farming woman.

That's another thing...I'm getting tired of expectations being placed on me to conform to some sort of stereotype.  I've heard pastors' wives confessing to the same struggles; they struggle with the super-leader, organ-playing, gourmet chef of a pastor's wife.  I struggle with people who keep implying I should be a stereotypical farmer's wife (or farmhand's wife in our case)....the jam-making, chook-plucking, domestic goddess, super cook who drives machinery.  I am not that kind of wife, and never will be.  I am a creative, spirited person who does not being squashed into a box and forced to conform.  And let me get this straight....Duncan is not the one putting this pressure on me.  He has always said my support is enough, and does not make feel like I'm inadequate.  No, it's everyone else that does that, both people here and in Perth and elsewhere.  I just want to be myself.

I think I keep putting too much pressure on myself to make friends, and, apart from people at church, it just isn't happening.  I don't want to use age as an excuse, but making friends seemed SO MUCH easier when I was younger.  There are many lovely people here, but I don't quite know how to take the next step and strike up a friendship.  I struggle with shyness, and I'm worried that we're going to become hermits.  That really bothers me because I am convinced God does NOT intend his people to be loners or hermits, but to be involved and a shining light in the places they find themselves in.  My workmate, who moved to Dally at the end of last year, told me she went down to the pub one Saturday night just to meet people.  She has a bubbly, extroverted personality so this would work for her, but it wouldn't work for me.  What on earth would I say to a pub full of drunk people?  I just don't have the confidence to do it.  I'm used to making friends at school or uni where you sit alongside people for years and gradually strike up a friendship.  My cousin told me a few weeks ago that she couldn't move to a small country town because of the cliques.  She also told me she hasn't made any new friends since high school (she's 33 now) and, although she gets on well with her workmates, she doesn't think she'll stay in touch with them should she change jobs.  That's exactly how I feel.  I feel like have nothing in common with many people here.  Everything is about farming, kids or alcohol.

On the other hand, I feel a certain sense of loyalty to this place, despite all of its faults.  I want to see it grow and develop, and be a thriving community, but unfortunately more people leave than come, and farms keep getting bigger while the population gets smaller.  It still doesn't feel like home.  I don't feel like I belong here.  Some people have mocked me because of my enthusiasm towards events like the annual Show and the Lions Markets, smiling at me like my newcomer's passion will wear off after a while, yet they'd criticise me if I never involved myself with anything.  I can't win.  I like to be involved even though we have to limit what we're involved in because of the distance.

One thing that has really surprised me over the past few weeks is that I get lonely....really lonely.  Sometimes the isolation gets too much.  It's not a loneliness as in I'm bored, but I just want to share life with people.  That's why I had such a strong tone in my last post.  I've moved away with less, and many people I left behind have just moved on as if I never existed.  I feel like I've recovered from the craziness of Perth, and now I'm asking God, "What's next?"  That's the strange thing...I used to be such a cowardly person who would rather hide in the church.  But now I feel like I'm ready for an amazing adventure, to take some risks, not merely for my fulfilment, but make my life count for the gospel in some way.  Yet, I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking I need to do something for God.  He could never love me more, and has proved this by the cross.

A friend wisely pointed out a week or so ago that if I'd never moved here, I might never have finished my book.  I thought, Yeah, she's right.  Maybe that was one reason why God had me move here, who knows? 

So do I stay or do I go?  Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was ready to pack up and run away.  But I is now WE.  Duncan has indicated he does want to move on eventually, but when that will be, we honestly don't know.  He is considering doing some theological study eventually so we might have to move back to Perth. I'd like to think that if I ever returned to Perth, I would not repeat the mistakes of trying to do too much.  The country has made me appreciate things more.  I'm not a country chick, but I'm certainly not a city chick either.  I do like it here, but it doesn't feel like home, and when I confessed my restlessness to Duncan, he said, "I think you're wanting heaven."  What a wise man he is.  I think that's it.  Nowhere on this earth will satisfy or truly feel like home.

I realise this is a season of life, and I want to make the most of it because God may be using it to teach me something.

I don't want to be complacent and just drift with no real intentions.

I just don't want to waste my life.