Personal Question Etiquette

Seriously, what's with people I barely know thinking they have the right to ask me personal questions?!?  It's like I'm a magnet for these sort of rude people! Is it just me, or does anyone else have this problem?

Thou shalt not ask people about physical flaws

I've had mere acquaintances and even strangers approach me and ask about a scar, a pimple, a mole or something else they've found odd about my face. "How'd you get that?", or, "What's that?" they ask goggle-eyed. Ummm none of your darn business! Yes, I'm quite aware that I have lumps and bumps, marks and scars.  I do own a mirror.  It's called life and many of these flaws may have personal stories attached to them which I do not want to share with you. I see people with warts, scars, birthmarks and burns all the time. I don't ask them how they got them, or what they are. That person is probably already struggling with self-consciousness and doesn't need my nosiness making them feel worse. Unless you're a close friend of that person, or they volunteer their story, you don't ask - ever!

Thou shalt not ask unless thou are prepared to answer thy same questions

If someone asks a personal question, they must also be prepared to answer that same question if it is thrown back at them. I get that all the time from older women who ask me my age, yet are very coy or indignant about being asked to reveal their own. You ask me, I ask you.  That's the deal.

Thou shalt not ask about family planning

This is a deeply sensitive and private topic.  It's amazing the number of people who see no harm in asking when someone is going to have a baby, or have another.  Maybe that couple have been struggling with infertility or had multiple miscarriages.  Just because you can pop them out like there's no tomorrow, doesn't mean everyone else can.

Thou shalt not ask in front of a group

If there anything worse than being asked a private or embarrassing question, it's when they do it in front of a gaggle of onlookers.  It's like they're deliberately trying to humiliate me.

If you notice someone's flaw,

Remember their pain may be raw.

Leave your questions on the shelf,

Think of someone besides yourself.

Don't expect someone to share,

Unless you show that you care,

By being gentle and discreet,

And sharing your story with those you meet.

Telephone Etiquette

There was one hope for the New Year that I should have added to my list:


Always answer the phone with a smile in my voice.


I'm not a 'phone person'.  I actually get very nervous calling people I don't know well, unless it's for an appointment or something.  While I do ring my friends for a chat, I usually prefer email or Facebook.  That way both parties get to respond when they are able to (particularly good if you're a mum and can't stop to chat).  So when I do pluck up the courage to ring someone and they sound less than jovial, it puts a significant dent in my armour.  They may be smiling on the other end, but unless I can hear it in their voice, I feel like they are annoyed at me for calling.


I'm just as guilty of this.  Many times I have hastily snatched up the phone and barked a hello at the caller.  It's not because I'm in a bad mood, but often I'm on the run and I'm breathless.  I probably sound quite annoyed to the caller.


So now, if I'm not in the mood to talk, if it's 'arsenic hour', or I'm heading out the door and running late, I don't answer.  It's better for the caller to leave a message and I'll call them back at a more convenient time.  Who knows, they may be nervous about calling me and I've just shattered their confidence by being abrupt!  We have caller ID on our phone now so if anyone other than Duncan calls me during arsenic hour, I don't answer.


Here's my telephone etiquette:


1.  Thou shalt not call during arsenic hour unless it's an emergency
For parents of small children, that's the crazy time between 5-7:30pm when dinner, baths, stories and bedtimes occur.  I only have one baby and it's mad enough already.  It's the time when children are overtired and whingy, Dad is getting home from work (hopefully), and Mum is frantically trying to get dinner on the table (oh and throw in a few pets wanting their dinners, too).  So nothing annoys me more than someone calling 'just for a chat' during that time.  Even before we had Rory, I was getting home from work, putting shopping away, getting dinner, feeding pets....I can't juggle a deep and meaningful phone conversation with all of that.  I used to tell Duncan off for calling friends with kids during that time.


2.  Thou shalt not juggle two conversations at once
Occasionally I've been on the phone to a friend and they've said, "Oh hang on, there's another call coming through," and put me on hold.  This is fine if they've been waiting for a very important call, but it's just been another friend of theirs calling for a chat.  So I've been left on hold while they juggle two conversations.  Either ignore call waiting or tell the person who's ringing that you're on the phone to someone else and you'll call them back.


3.  Thou shalt leave short, concise answering machine messages
Often I've come home, pressed the button on the answering machine and stood there for what seemed like ages, listening to a very long-winded message.  I think some people think that they should relay the whole conversation they were planning to have with you onto the answering machine.  I've listened to some very strange rambly messages (yes, there are some regular culprits) where the caller has mentioned every little thing about their day.  I guess they don't want me to call them now that they've told me everything.  Leave your name, number and a BRIEF message...that's it.


4.  Thou shalt not make me speak to someone I don't know
Sometimes I've been talking to someone on the phone and they've said, "Oh my friend Bob is here.  Talk to them for a bit while I check the dinner," resulting in a very awkward few minutes where Bob and I really have no idea what to say to each other because we've never met before or just don't know each other that well.


5.  Thou shalt not go to the toilet while on the phone
Too much information...really!  If you're really busting, excuse yourself and put the receiver down somewhere, or don't let on to the other person where you are and what you're doing.  I've had people announce they were sitting on the toilet and I could hear what they were doing.  That's a mental image I just don't need.


6.  Thou shalt not call about unimportant things at ungodly hours
I've made the mistake of telling some people, "Call me anytime if you really need me."  Big mistake!  Some people's definition of 'emergency' is different to mine.  Calling me late on a work night to tell me your parents are coming to visit and you're excited really can wait until morning...can't it?


7.  Thou shalt not call repeatedly and not leave a message
When Rory was a few weeks old, I was trying to have a nap when someone kept calling and calling and hanging up when it went through to the answering machine.  GRRR!


If you're calling on the phone,
And the person is not home,
Leave a message that is concise
Speak clearly, be nice.


Answering the phone is a choice,
So have a smile in your voice.
Think of the person you're trying to call,
If it's a bad time, don't call at all.


What do you think is good telephone etiquette?

Invitation Etiquette

I had to calm down before I could attempt to type this post...

Last night, I was furious!  Those who have been reading this blog for a fair while will know how I feel about invitations and people who don't RSVP!  Here's a quick recap:

Get On Your Soapbox #2
Diary of a Wedding Planning Machine: RSVPs

Duncan and I have been organising a joint baby shower for Saturday in Perth.  Since we're BOTH becoming parents, and I'm not really a fan of women-only baby showers where the mum-to-be is 'showered' with negative stories from other mums, we decided we wanted to celebrate our impending parenthood together.  Harvest is only weeks away so we have to have it now, and it had to be relatively easy to organise.  We decided on a casual afternoon tea in a park with men, women and kids.

But since I'm feeling kind of tired and overwhelmed (and work has been crazy with other events to organise), I wanted to keep the numbers down.  Duncan has a large extended family, but as he went through the list, he was pretty ruthless with deciding who he wanted to invite from his side.  This wasn't because we don't like people, but some we hardly keep in contact with.

So, as you can imagine, we were both pretty disappointed last night that a heap of people haven't responded at all!  I've been baking cakes and muffins for the past few weeks and freezing them in advance.  I went to Albany and did a big shop for cool drink, napkins, a few decorations, chips etc.  While it is still going to be a fairly low-fuss affair, that doesn't mean no effort has been required on our (particularly my) behalf.

I am in no way having a go at people who have let us know they can't make it.  That's fine.  They bothered to let us know.  They have other commitments which they planned before and are honouring.  The people I do want to let rip at are the 'mute' types - the ones who you never hear from and you never know if they are going to turn up randomly on the day.  And laziness, disorganisation, and waiting for a better offer to come along is just rude.  (This seems to fit with Karen's post on how people only seem to do things when they 'feel like it'.)

If someone goes to the trouble to invite you to a personal event like a birthday party or wedding, it is the height of bad manners to not reply to the invitation when you've been asked to do so.  The following quote from this site sums it up perfectly:
For hosts who are planning a dinner party, a wedding or a reception, this is important from a practical point of view, because they need to know how many people to count on and how much food and drink to buy. More important, though, is the simple courtesy of responding to someone who was nice enough to invite you, even if it is to say that you regret that you will not be able to attend.

I've had a gutful of it!  Not only do I have to put up with this sort of crap with personal events (I'm seriously wondering whether to bother having a 30th birthday party next year), I have to put up with it at work as well!  We organise events a couple of months in advance and get people who've known the date etc for two months ringing up the day before wanting to know if they can just rock up on the day with 10 friends.  Ummm....NO!

The worst thing is that if you confront people about it, they think YOU'RE the bad guy.  It doesn't matter how gentle or tactful you are - people just give you this crazed look like, Why would I bother to RSVP?  Then they get in a huff and don't talk to you.

Different methods of contacting people don't seem to be working either.  This time I tried posting invitations as I thought, well everyone checks their mail, don't they?  Facebook doesn't work because some people don't check it.  Email doesn't work because some people don't check it.  Telling them personally doesn't work because they forget.  Text messages just get ignored.  Argh!

I'm thinking of blacklisting people as there seem to be a few repeat offenders when it comes to birthday parties etc.  I never hear from them, they never turn up, or they whinge that some person they don't like is going to be there so they're not coming.  I'm over it!

Here's my invitation etiquette:

1. Thou shalt reply to the invitation on time
Seriously, what is some people's problem?  They don't have to work out babysitting, work rosters etc.  They're not ill or due to have a baby.  They just can't be bothered...or want to keep their options open.  The question is simple.  Are you free?  Yes or no?  Then reply and don't delay.  Duncan and I received two invitations in the post last week (a rarity out here).  We looked at them and unfortunately we can't attend either of them.  We rang and texted to regretfully let the hosts know.  Done.  It's not hard.

2. Thou shalt realise it's not all about you
What some people organise for their special occasions does not resonate with me.  I would not have chosen that particular theme/day/time/venue.  Sometimes it's just Duncan and I going and we don't know anyone else except the host.  Sometimes there is someone I don't really get on with there and it is awkward.  Sadly it's no longer about making the effort to celebrate with a friend on their special day...it's about whether the guest thinks they will enjoy the show or not or whether they can be bothered driving there.  If I go to someone else's event, it's not about me.  It's about my friend.  I'm there to help them celebrate.  I'm the one who has to suck it up and deal with it.

3. Thou shalt bring ONLY who is mentioned on the invitation
When I write names on invitations, I make it pretty clear who is invited and who isn't.  For our baby shower, we are inviting kids as well, so I made sure all partners' and kids' names were included on the invitation.  But that doesn't stop people wanting to bring randoms we don't know.  If someone has a new partner I don't know about, that's fine.  Invite them along.  If someone really doesn't know anyone, yes, they can bring a friend.  That's fine.  But when I get people, who DO know others at the party, wanting to bring their housemate who is going to be bored at home alone, or their friend from the gym, it's just not on.  Especially as that person will get bored and my friend will end up leaving early because of them.

4. Thou shalt not rub people's noses in it
One thing I really can't stand is when people hand out invitations publicly (like at church), and people who aren't invited feel like crap.  Even if you didn't really expect to be invited, it's still rude.  Or when people create public events on Facebook for their birthday and everyone talks about it on walls etc, knowing that other people can read it.  That's why I mail, email or create private events on Facebook.

If someone has invited you,
You know what you should do,
A reply is what you should send,
Or else you may lose a friend.

The invitation is just for you,
Not your neighbour and their dog, too.
If the party does not resonate,
Suck it up and celebrate.

What do you think is good invitation etiquette?

News Sharing Etiquette

While it has many positives, Facebook often really bugs me.  It has become a vehicle for people to just dump important news out to the hoards without any consideration for their family and close friends.  It's fine to announce to your 200 friends that you're eating a nice piece of cake, but I really don't want to find out that a close friend or family member is engaged, pregnant, has given birth, been diagnosed with cancer, or dead via Facebook!

I know I'm not alone in thinking this, but I often feel like I am.  When I casually mention to people that it's polite to notify those closest to them by means other than Facebook before throwing it out to the general public, I get puzzled looks.  But Facebook is so much easier and more convenient, they say.  That is until they are on the receiving end.  Suddenly they don't like hearing about the birth of their niece or nephew along with everyone else.  Suddenly Mother's excuse that it was easier to announce via Facebook that Granny had died rather than call the family individually just doesn't cut it.

I've felt hurt that I've found out things from people I used to consider quite good friends via their Facebook status.  Whereas in the pre-Facebook days they would have sent me an SMS, email, called me, or told me in person, now suddenly I'm just lumped in the same category as that person they went to school with and haven't seen for 10+ years.  Even a private Facebook message would have been better than a status!

So, Duncan and I have been faced with a dilemma: Do we just plod along with the way society is going and stick all our news on Facebook?  Or do we swim against the tide and continue to notify those important to us via other means BEFORE sticking it on Facebook....whether they return the courtesy or not?

We decided to go with the latter.  With the impending birth of our baby, we decided to put our convictions into action.  We either phoned, texted, or told people in person (if we happened to see them) that I was pregnant.  By the time we announced it on Facebook, most people already knew.  Sometimes it feels like people announce things on Facebook straight away so they can get lots of comments/likes.  Other methods of communication may be more expensive or inconvenient, but I know when people go out of their way to tell me things, I feel valued.  We wanted our friends and family to know we value them.

My other gripe with news sharing is when people share OTHER PEOPLE'S news for them.  Things like announcing the birth of other people's children on Facebook before they get a chance to do it themselves! "I'm so happy for my friends Bob and Sue who have just welcomed little Bobby-Sue. Love you guys!"  In the pre-Facebook days, I found out some friends were engaged because another friend rang me before the engaged couple got a chance to.  It's just not on.  It's someone else's special moment.  They should get the chance to announce it.  Excuses like, "But I was just so excited," don't cut it.  I honestly think people do this because they want to look important and 'in the know'.  They want others to know that they knew first.

When you've got some news to tell,
Share with those who you know well.
Before you spread it far and wide,
First swim against the tide.
Make an effort for those near and dear.
Think how you'd feel if you were to hear,
Something via the grapevine,
You'd expect to hear via another line.
Let people announce their news.
Remember the social cues.
It's their time in the sun,
Don't let your tongue spoil their fun.

What do you think is good news sharing etiquette?

Written Communication Etiquette

We all know that the written word can easily be misinterpreted.

Or do we?

I've lost count of the number of times I've read an email or Facebook message and thought, Are they serious?  Or are they just mucking around?  I work in admin.  Reading and replying to emails is a big part of my job, yet it never ceases to amaze me how blunt some people can be.  Especially when I get emails like this:

Sarah,
Do this.
Bob

When these are the kinds of electronic messages I get from strangers, I'll be darned if I want to get them from people I call my friends.

Doesn't this look much better:

Hi Sarah,
Could you please do this.
Regards,
Bob

It only took a few extra words, a few extra keystrokes on the writer's behalf, but it changed the tone of the whole message.  While receiving the first kind of message immediately gets my back up, the second makes me want to do what I'm being asked a lot more.

It's the same with text messages.  I ask someone if they want me to get something for them and they reply:

Yes

I think Yes pls would be a much better response, you rude person!

While there will always be many issues concerning written communication (you can't see the person's facial expression etc), that doesn't take the onus off the writer for making sure their tone and intent is as clear as possible.  Here are some tips:

1.  Thou shalt not use caps lock. 
You might think you're making a joke, but if I get a message like this - SARAH, YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!  - I will think you're angry.  Caps lock looks like you're shouting.

2.  Thou shalt go easy on the exclamation marks. 
One...two at the very most...should be enough to make your point.

3.  Thou shalt use emoticons, acronyms and abbreviations to show you mean well.
This is an issue I have with baby boomers on Facebook (this really deserves a whole post of its own).  I've noticed many people over 60 don't have much of a clue when it comes to these, and, therefore, most of my 'run-ins' on Facebook have occurred with people in this generation.  Consider the message above:
SARAH, YOU FOOL!!!!!!
I've had some people write similar messages to me, thinking it was a huge joke, and I've ended up quite cross and embarrassed by them.  If you're really joking, consider writing it like this:
Sarah, you fool. ;)
The wink (and lack of caps lock and exclamation marks) makes all the difference to the tone.  If I get a message like that from someone, I will assume they are mucking around.  I've come to the conclusion that you can never have too many smileys, winks or LOLs.  Some friends probably think I took way too many happy pills before I typed my message to them, but it's better to receive a message littered with smileys than one with none at all.

Side note: Adding LOL to the end of a sentence does not mean you can be a complete knob to someone and get away with it.  It's like those people who say, "You're fat...no offence."  I don't think so, buddy!

4.  Thou shalt add a friendly preamble
Even if your purpose for writing is to get something from the person, it's polite to greet them before getting straight to the point.  Say 'Hello and how are you?' and maybe add a brief comment about the weather.  It's better than getting an email saying blah blah blah, do this.

Aim to make your written word,
Just as you would want it heard.
Go the lengths to make it nice.
Winks and smileys will suffice.

While some will misinterpret you,
You have to think it through.
Be careful with the way you write.
Make sure you don't start a fight.

What do you think is good written communication etiquette?

Facebook Etiquette

It seems that I'm not the only one to have these frustrations.  I suspect mine are more gripes than etiquette, but this is Madam Sarah's Fine College of Etiquette after all.

1.  Thou shalt reply to messages
Facebook is for sharing - it says that on the homepage.  People who say they are too busy to reply to messages, yet have plenty of time to update their status 8 times per day or play those silly games are LAME.

2.  Thou shalt acknowledge thy commenters
I feel like a doofus commenting on people's statuses or asking them questions, only to be ignored.  Occasional acknowledgement would be nice.

3.  Thou shalt not stalk thy friends
I love comments and 'likes', but not from the same person on every status.  That's just a bit creepy.

4.  Thou shalt not update thy status too much
I know I really have no right to say this, but I think an average of one status per day is plenty.  I have one friend who updates 8 times per day (yes, I counted).  One day her statuses went like this:
It's a nice day.  I feel like going for a drive up the coast.
In the car, driving up the coast.
I'm up the coast.  It's lovely up here.
Home again from a day up the coast.
Surely I had a nice day up the coast would suffice?  Yes, I know I can hide people if I want to, but I'd rather not do that.  Frequent posts is what Twitter is for.  Oh and make sure you comment more on other people's statuses than you write about yourself.

5.  Thou shalt share important news with thy peeps before the hoards
I don't know about you, but I don't want to find out my best friend is pregnant via Facebook.  That's just slack news-relaying.  I wish some people would remember the days of SMS, phone and email.

6.  Thou shalt not whinge incessantly about photos
I used to complain about people taking photos of me before a friend very politely told me to get over it.  Now I can't see what people make such a fuss about.  Yes, you look that way in real life.  People see you every day.  A photo captures you in a second, a freeze frame.  I don't deliberately put up bad photos of my friends; I post ones in which I think they look good.  If you don't like a photo, don't kick up a stink.  Just untag yourself.

7.  Thou shalt not log into Facebook in a foul mood
Seriously...don't!  I'm speaking from experience here.  It's very tempting after a hard day to go online and 'tell it to Facebook' like you would to a private diary (been there).  But it's not a private diary.  It's read by hundreds of people.  By all means, share the yucky bits of life, be honest about your struggles, but don't log on and take offence at anything and everything other people have written.

8.  Thou shalt not write anything thy wouldn't say face to face
That's something cowards (or twits) do.

9.  Thou shalt not vaguebook
This is really one of my pet peeves.  People writing really random things like My nose hairs shine like the hilltops on a sunny day or I have a secret or I have exciting news (and then they refuse to elaborate when asked).  When I see people writing that, I just ignore them rather than satisfy their attention-seeking.  If it's so secret, then they should even be mentioning it on Facebook in the first place.

10.  Thou shalt use lots of smileys
The written word can be easily misunderstood.  I've come to the realisation that you can never have too many smileys.

11.  Thou shalt not poke, post silly chain messages or invite people to join thy games
Just annoying!  Enough said.

12.  Thou shalt not add people thy would avoid in the street
Don't add me if you would ignore me in real life.

When talking to your Facebook friend,
Pause before you press Send.
There's a person behind that screen,
Be polite, don't be mean.

We all have opinions to air,
Make sure you share and care.
There's nothing wrong with lots of chatter,
But show your friends that they matter.

Before you send that friend request
Consider if it would be best,
To add someone you'll never meet,
Or avoid in the street.

Enough of my gripes.  What do you think is good Facebook etiquette?

Blogging Etiquette

Janine from Reflections from a Redhead has a fantastic post on this topic, so it seems pointless in repeating it.  I added a few comments so I'll include those in the list as well as a few extras.

1.  Let your readers know if they can expect your blog to be sporadic.  I just get disappointed when I don't see any new posts from my favourite bloggers for a while.  I'm not implying they should become enslaved to blogging, but it's just polite to let your readers know if you'll be disappearing indefinitely.

2.  No amount of inviting (read: hassling) will make me want to 'follow' your blog.  The more you annoy me, the more I will think you are an egotistical twat, especially if you never contribute any meaningful comments to my blog.  When I became a blogger, I thought everyone was free to read any blog they stumbled across (it IS on the internet after all) - why do you need an 'invite'?  Personally, I think the 'following' widget was designed to inflate bloggers' self-importance.  Yes, I do have the widget...and I have 10 followers.  Yes, 10.  Nothing to boast about there.

3.  I've read a few posts where the blogger has said, "I'm too busy to comment on other people's blogs."  Really?  But you seem to have plenty of time to put into your own blog (judging by the frequency and length of posts).  If you want comments, then you must also be prepared to contribute to others' conversations...not necessarily the same bloggers who comment on yours, but SOMEONE.  Give AND receive...or don't blog.

4.  Don't make it too difficult for other bloggers to quote you.  I've read a number of blogs where they ask that anyone wishing to use their content ask for permission first.  If they are acknowledging you as the author and linking to your blog as the source, why do they need to ask permission?  I don't want someone stealing my photos and ideas, but as long as they acknowledge me as the source, that's fine.  I always thought blogging was a bit like referencing a source for a uni assignment.  You don't have to ask the author for permission, but you must include the item in your reference list and reference any direct quotes.

5.  If you want to write something controversial as a comment - PUT YOUR NAME.  It is rude and cowardly otherwise.  Be prepared to own and take responsibility for what you say - or don't say it.

Bloggers, listen up and hear,
How to thrive in the blogosphere.
Respecting each other is the way,
Be polite in what you have to say.
Own your comments, put your name,
Being anonymous is just lame.
That's a real person behind the screen,
Treat them if they're one you've seen.

After reading my list and Janine's list, what else do you think should be considered as blogging etiquette?

Opinion Etiquette

I think there must be some reason why rude, opinionated people are gravitated to me, but I still can't figure it out.  Maybe it's because they think that I look stupid enough to listen to their 'advice'?   Ha, I think not!

I remember when I lived in Perth, I was chatting to another person after church, and another member of the congregation approached us.  I assumed they wanted to join our conversation so I was most shocked when all they said was, "Sarah, fisherman's pants were trendy a few years ago," and then walked off, leaving me too bewildered to offer a witty response.  I think it's safe to assume they weren't joking.  I've had a few run-ins with this person and their rather pointed tongue.

On another occasion, I was hanging out with a fellow Christian at uni when she suddenly looked at my clothes and said, "You dress very plain, don't you."  Again, I was too open-mouthed to say anything.

Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised at these two instances.  All my life people seem to have felt it was their right to come up to me and say they don't like my haircut, or I should have cut my hair this way or that way.  I suspect that was why I copped so much flak about our wedding plans not suiting certain selfish individuals.  I obviously look so weak and pathetic that people think they can manipulate me this way.

What people don't seem to realise is that I don't want their outspoken opinions, and that they should learn some manners!  When I want opinions, I'll ask for them.  I happen to like clothes that are little bit different or 'out there', and I don't see why that should bother other people.  In fact, I rarely ask for opinions when clothes shopping because I like what I like, and that's that.  The strange thing is, the two people who so rudely criticised my clothing are no great beauties themselves!  Perhaps putting me down made them feel better about this...perhaps.

There are lots of people who I personally think could do with a darn good makeover.  I would love to take them shopping for a whole new wardrobe or convince them to visit the hairdresser and ask for something OTHER than the same old daggy haircut they've had for the past ten years.  But I don't because what people wear is up to them.  It's none of my business, and my opinion is not gospel.  I believe that people should wear what they enjoy whether it meets other people's tastes or not.

There is a time when people may ask for your opinion, but that is still a time to speak lovingly, and not bluntly.  If I see a Facebook friend has got a haircut which I don't think is that great, I say nothing.  If I see they've got a great haircut, I let them know how good I think it makes them look.  It's better to encourage than tear down.

Of course the most important thing we should be speaking up against is CHARACTER - not appearance.

Then there's the old saying, "If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say it at all."

If you dislike another's choice,
It doesn't mean you need to voice,
Opinions that just criticise.
Keeping quiet would be more wise.

Unless you're saying something nice,
Holding your tongue will suffice.
They may not look good in pink,
But no-one asked what you think.

Guest Etiquette

This post will probably repeat some of the stuff I wrote about in Host Etiquette, but being a guest requires different sorts of manners in my book.  Since being married, Duncan and I have not only had many opportunities to improve our hosting skills, but, due to our frequent travelling, we've also been guests many times ourselves.

Here's what we will not do in others' houses and what we expect of our own guests:

• We will be VERY quiet when getting up in the morning, realising that some people we stay with are night owls and therefore not 'morning people'.  Duncan's body clock tends to wake him at 6am even when he's not working (typical farmhand) so it's fine for us to get up early, but it doesn't mean the whole household has to.
• You break it, you pay for it...unless the host insists it is not necessary.  It's always good manners if you, your child, or your pet breaks something, then to at least offer to replace it, rather than shrug your shoulders and demand grace.  Once when we were in Albany, Maya was a bit miffed that Ellie, our old family cat, snubbed her so she ripped Ellie's bed to pieces.  We offered to replace it, but my mum thought it was more hilarious than anything.  Ellie was horrified.
• We will not touch things that should not be touched.  I have no problem with people looking through my CDs or books, but rifling through drawers is a big no-no.
• We will not complain about the food our hosts serve, nor do we like being complained to after we have slaved our guts out preparing a feast.  We will not force things on people's plates though, rather we prefer to let everyone serve themselves.
• We will not demand that our hosts abandon watching their favourite TV programmes so we can watch ours.  I will tape shows if I have a guest over, but I do not like being made to feel guilty if a guest wants to watch something when my favourite programme is on.  If you're going to someone's house, set your own VCR beforehand to record the show.
• We will try and spend some time with our hosts so they don't feel we are using their house as a hotel.  We've actually failed in this area in the past when staying with people *big slap on the wrist*.
• We will not dramatically change our house or living arrangements.  While we will make some necessary adjustments, it is rude to insist someone change their home layout if we are only visiting once in a blue moon and for a couple of days.
• We will offer to wash up, help out with housework etc, but if the hosts say no, we won't push it.  I actually don't expect guests to help at all.  They are guests, and we are more than happy for them to sit back and relax.  I've figured if I or someone else is being more of a hindrance than a help, then it's best to back off.  Some people think they're being helpful, but they're not.  I know people mean well, but putting things in the wrong drawers just means I can't find things later on.  That's why I'm getting people to wash or dry dishes, if they offer, and I'll put them away.  Also, our kitchen is small so I don't like people hovering in there, it's claustrophobic.
• We will not criticise the host's cooking skills.  I've had people come over when I've been cooking, joking that they're the health inspector, or trying to take over and telling me I'm doing it wrong.  For goodness sake, go away, that's just annoying.

When being a guest or having guests, I feel it's important to have a balance between familiarity and respect.  I like my guests to feel comfortable and at home; I don't want them to feel like they're in a museum.  However, some basic respect for the house and its occupants is also vital, such as smoking outside and not walking on the carpet with muddy feet for instance.

If you're going to come and stay,
Here are some things to make my day.
Let the cooks do their thing,
Quit the hovering and criticising.

Keep your fingers to yourself,
Don't break that item on the shelf.
If you do, offer to pay,
Demanding grace is not the way.

In the morning, don't make a peep,
Let the hosts enjoy their sleep.
Everything will go smoothly then,
And you'll be invited back again.

Host Etiquette

Since we've been married, Duncan and I have had our fair share of opportunities to play host to a number of different guests in our little cottage.  Although we are starting to become seasoned veterans, we are always on the lookout to improve our hosting skills.  And how can we do this?  By being guests in other people's houses and learning what should and shouldn't be done when rolling out the welcome mat.

Here are some of the expectations we place upon ourselves when expecting visitors:

• We will make sure we have enough food in the house.
• We will cook meals for them and not expect them to pay to go out for dinner at the pub or motel when they may be on a tight budget.
• We will make sure the house is clean.
• We will not invite more people than we can sleep comfortably in our house.
• We will consider those with 'special requirements'.  This means I will cook a vegetarian dish if a guest is a vegetarian, or I will put Ebony outside and rid the house of cat hair if someone is allergic to cats.
• We will show them a bit of what our life is like up here ie. inviting them to church, taking them on a tour of the farm, taking them into town on a Saturday morning etc.
• We will give them the opportunity to just put their feet up and relax and not inundate them with 'activities'.
• We will switch our airconditioning on for them in summer (I've stayed with some people in summer who have aircon but never switch it on, and I'm sitting there having a bath in my own sweat.  How stingy can you get?)

While I enjoy hosting friends and family and sharing a bit of our lives with them, I do have my limits.  Hence, I will NOT do the following:

• Mollify people who just want to complain that our place isn't like Perth.
• Buy lots of 'entertainment' for bored people.  No, we are not buying a Wii, we are not providing heaps of toys for your kids (I have one bag of op shop toys and some craft supplies, but that's it).  If you want something in particular, you have to bring it yourself.
• Listen to criticism about the size of our house (we did warn you).
• Go out of my way for people with upmarket tastes ie. people who only drink one brand of coffee.  We have most food items here, but if you're going to be a snob, then you bring your own (see second dot point).

I think we all have expectations of our hosts, and of ourselves when we're wearing the hosting cap.  Sometimes these expectations are realistic, sometimes they're not.  I understand that some people are in different stages of life; for example, if you're staying with people who have young children, you can't expect a pristine house.  I don't want my hosts to put on a grand show for me, but if they're not going to bother to spend any time with me, then I do wonder why they invited me in the first place.  Some people are probably going to be offended at this, but when I stay with someone, I expect them to offer me a meal, or at least have a few slices of bread and some milk available so I can make something myself.  I've stayed with some people and opened their fridge, and I swear there is nothing edible in it.  It costs me so much money to stay with some people because I have to buy breakfast, lunch and dinner for each day that I'm there.  When I ask them if they have a slice of bread so I can make some toast, they reply airily, "Oh I don't eat breakfast...or I go to Hungry Jack's on the way to work...or I just have a coffee and a smoke."  I will never understand people who don't eat breakfast, or do not have something other than the light in their fridge.  I'm on a budget so I can't afford to eat out all the time.  But some people don't even consider cooking a meal, they just say, "Oh, let's just go out for dinner" (again!)  Great, that's another $30 down the drain!

Don't invite people if you can't provide the basics.  I don't expect a family in a two-bedroom apartment to offer to host me.  I think the people who should be offering are those with spare rooms who can have guests without having ten people squished in their loungeroom.

If you'd like to be our guest,
We will try our very best,
To make your stay simply grand,
Out here in this spacious land.

But while we'll try to meet your needs,
Your wants are another thing indeed.
Don't bring a desire to complain,
And you'll leave feeling much more sane.

So if you'd like to be a host,
At least offer your guests some toast.
Provide the basics, not a banquet hall.
Or don't invite guests at all.

Supermarket Etiquette

If you reckon there's nothing like grocery shopping to get your blood boiling, then you may be able to relate to my little poem :)

If you stop to chat a while,
With your trolley blocking the aisle
I will come and glare at you,
And tap my foot for a minute or two.
I think aisle blockers should be banned.
Don't look at me like you don't understand!

Hey you there in the line.
Don't you ever read the sign?
It says twelve items or less.
You must have fifty there at best!

So before you shop, think a while.
Go armed with good manners and a smile.
Don't dawdle, don't delay,
And we'll all have a pleasant day.

Thank You Etiquette

This is something especially to think about around Christmastime.......

As I consider who to give presents to and who not to, I realised that I've vastly cut down my list this year. No, we don't have lots of money but that isn't really the reason. No, we can't get to shops easily but that isn't the reason. No, it's not because I'm tired of giving and not getting anything in return. I love giving gifts to people and I don't care if they don't give me one back. I don't need anything and it's not a great feeling getting a gift from someone only because they feel obligated to.

No, the reason is that I'm sick of giving/posting presents or cards and not getting a simple 'thank you' in return. Sometimes I've posted presents and I never know whether the person has even received it because they were too jolly slack to even pick up their mobile to send a text message!

I'm sure we're all tired of ungrateful people but the worst thing is that the people who never say thank you feel often they don't even need to. It's not that they've been too busy to reply...they actually think they haven't done anything wrong. My brother and I were brought up to always say 'thank you' whenever we received a gift, whether in person, by phone or writing a letter. I can't believe some people don't think it matters! They just take, take, take with no thought to where the present is coming from.

When I was little, I read lots of Enid Blyton stories. Now we might think her books are cheesy but they always had a moral to them. One short story was called 'He Didn't Say Thank You' and it was about twin boys called Morris and David. Morris always said thank you and David couldn't be bothered. Then eventually their relatives decided not to bother sending David any more presents so one birthday he found himself staring enviously at Morris while he opened his.

I think it's sad that out of the six weddings we've been to so far this year, we've only received thank yous for two of them...although the last wedding was only three weeks ago so I don't expect one from them for a while.

No more presents for rude and ungrateful people from me this year!

When you open you mailbox and there's a gift there for you,
Now you know what you must do.
If you do not, this gift might be the last.
So pick up the phone and say thanks, you slack arse!

Toilet Etiquette

A few people voted for this on my poll when I asked you all which one of my new series you were most looking forward to.....so now I launch 'Madam Sarah's Fine College of Etiquette'. As I said before, this is MY view on manners, not everyone will necessarily agree. To kick off, I thought I'd write you all a little poem :). As you may be able to tell, poetry is not my strong point in creative writing.

TOILET ETIQUETTE
I am the loo.
I take care of you.
I hold your diarrhoea, your vomit,
Your wee and your poo.

So when you see me,
I'll serve you with glee
If you respect others,
when they need to pee.

Don't flush apples.
They're too large to fit in.
Sanitary napkins belong in the bin.
It's a bit gross if you leave me to greet,
Other people with pee on my seat.

It's natural to smell just don't go away,
And leave others to suffer cos you didn't spray.
Lastly I don't care if you're in a rush.
Keep me clean, remember to FLUSH.

The toilet has spoken.

Amen ;) Now that's what you could call 'toilet humour'!