Small Groups: It Only Takes One....

Group life is a delicate thing.  You achieve a good balance and everyone seems to be enjoying one another's company and encouraging each other.  Then the arrival of a new group member or the departure of an old one throws everything out of kilter.

I've been a part of Bible study groups (and other groups) of which my joy has quickly eroded after the arrival of a new person.  Sometimes there has been a terrible personality clash.  I remember being a part of one group where the arrival of a person with a sarcastic sense of humour, and the loss of several people with whom I got on very well quickly made the group pretty unbearable for me.  I hate sarcasm, and now the group consisted mainly of sarcastic people who seemed to make me the butt of the jokes.  I should have confronted them more and I didn't handle it very well.  In the end, I eventually left.  I have learned a lot from that experience.

This is a really difficult scenario of which I don't really have any answers.  All I wish to say is that it happens.  I've heard people say there are no such thing as 'personality clashes', and Christians should all just get along and be friends.  I think we need to strive to live at peace with one another (I think some sarcastic people have 'issues' in their lives and look for a punching bag).  But personality clashes DO exist.  We can live at peace, but we can't be best friends with everyone.  When I was at uni, the Christian group would hand out communication cards when setting up small groups for the year, and we were given the option of writing down on the card the name of anyone we didn't wish to be in a group with.  Only the staffworkers would know about this and would do their best to accommodate everyone.  I never wrote anyone's name down, but I can see that this is a great way to handle it.  Everyone deserves the chance to study the Bible without being ridiculed and torn down.  It would be awful if someone left a group because of this.

It's tricky because new people need to be welcomed into groups, and there is often no foreseeing what impact their arrival will have.  At the same time, the leader has a responsibility to see that the existing group members are being taken care of.

Have you ever struggled in or left a group because of someone else that joined, or had the group's 'vibe' change?

Small Groups: The Small Small Group

It can be hard when you want to join a Bible study group and they aren't on on the nights that you're available.  The answer?  Create your own.

Right now I can't do night Bible studies and the women's group that met on Wednesday mornings has folded.  So I got together with two of the other ladies from the farm and we formed our own small small group.

I love our group.  We try to meet each Friday morning, but unfortunately I can count the number of times we've got together on one hand.  Sickness (either ourselves or the kids), annual leave, and visitors have made it difficult but we've created a private Facebook group to keep in touch and share what we've been learning from the studies when we aren't able to meet.

We're doing a series on 'hope' and looking at Job.  With the year I've had, one of the other ladies thought it looked great and she was right.  When we do manage to meet it's a great morning of encouragement, morning tea, study and prayer.  We are joined by a total of five children and it's often chaos.  There's no-one to babysit or do a crèche out here.  There are frequent interruptions - babies needing to be breastfed, toddlers needing discipline....but it's lovely.  In the midst of the mess and noise God has always taught us something.  I always leave feeling encouraged and refreshed.

The advantages of our small small group is that there are only three of us so we can be flexible with the times and locations.  We already know each other so there's no awkwardness, and we can be honest with each other about personal things.

The downside is that if two people aren't available the group doesn't happen (which has happened quite a bit).

If you can't join an established Bible study, consider starting your own small small group.

Small Groups: When To Leave

This is going to be a tricky post to write.  Much of what I say here is what I'm wrestling with at the moment, so I'm not claiming any authority on this issue.

I've been a part of two types of small groups during my life - those that have an end date and those that are indefinite.  The first type is obviously much easier to leave.  If you are unhappy in your group, but not sure how to leave well, then it can just be a matter of hanging on until the end of the year or whenever the group has agreed to stop meeting.

The group that keeps on meeting together year after year is obviously much harder to leave.  This will require a deliberate action of leaving on your behalf.  Unless it's something obvious (like you're moving away), it can be hard to explain to the rest of the group why you're leaving.  Even if they know you've been unhappy or they've been treating you badly, there can be a sense of indignation from group members.

I've mentioned before in this series why small groups have been so beneficial to me in my Christian walk.  But like anything good they can be distorted and corrupted by sin.  There is the potential for Christians to be built up and (sadly) torn down by their small groups.

When mulling over whether to leave your small group, you need to ask the question, "Why should a Christian small group exist?"  I believe the purpose of small groups are:

To build each other up to love Christ and each other more through the study of Scripture, prayer, and being involved in each another's lives.

The reason I joined groups before I was a Christian and shortly after I became one was primarily to understand God's Word more so I would know how to follow Him in this world.  As my Christian walk progressed, my reason for being a part of groups changed slightly.  It was still to learn from the Scriptures, but I was now in a stage where I wasn't just a learner; I could also be a teacher.  God was molding and making me into the person He wanted me to be, and so I wanted to meet with others who were in the middle of this sanctification process - to spur each other on to love and good deeds.  For me, small groups were a way to get to know people much better than I could in a church context of 50-100 people.  After all, how can you love, care and pray for someone if you know nothing about them?

Having said all this, the next bit is the difficult bit.  If you have an idea of what small groups should be for, then how do you deal with meeting with fellow fallen, but also redeemed people?  When things get tough, do you quit or stick it out?

Here are some of the reasons I've been wrestling with as I've gone through the process of actively leaving a small group:

If there is not actually any spiritual learning going on
When I join a small group, I'm wanting much more than social chit chat.  I can get plenty of shallow-level conversations at church and other places.  I think Christian small groups should be deeper than that.  Some groups call themselves 'Bible study groups' yet there is no actual Bible study taking place.  One group I'm a part of do not even bring Bibles to the group and, if they do, they don't open them.  I don't mean that I want to study the Bible like an academic textbook either.  I want to really look at the Scriptures with others, discuss, wrestle and pray about what we've been learning and what it means for our lives today.  I don't want to watch DVDs of sermons and then have everyone discuss the weather.  That's lazy.  And I don't want to be in a group which thinks we need to rely on 'experts' to teach us.  I'm not saying the group necessarily needs to write their own studies, but we need to stop seeing the Bible as a book that is beyond our understanding.  Everyone I've been in a group with can read and is able to understand.  In this situation, I think all you can do is encourage the group to study the Bible and offer to lead some studies.  If they don't want to do this and people aren't being encouraged/challenged in their faith, then it's probably time to leave.

When there is a negative 'group culture'
I've had some shocking experiences in small groups.  Mostly these have been in all-women groups where I've been belittled by other group members.  Looking back, I don't think I handled it very well.  I should have confronted some people privately, but often it was the majority of the group who were being unkind.  In typical fashion, I thought of witty comebacks hours afterwards when I'd already gone home crying.  That's why I'm very against groups full of women of the same age or in the same stage of life where I've felt like the odd bod. (I also better add that I have had the privilege of being part of a couple of fantastic women's groups as well.)

A negative group culture can also mean where there is blatant sin going on and everybody is discussing it like it's one big joke.  Statements like: "I drove 120km/hr to get here and didn't see any cops." (everyone in the group chortles) or "My friend bought this sermon series and I burnt some illegal copies of it." (everyone chortles again).  This can be so discouraging when the very people who are meant to encourage each other to 'swim against the tide' (God's way rather than the world's way) are being anything but encouraging, and accuse you of being judgemental if you dare speak up.

A decision to leave a small group should not be taken lightly.  These people are your brothers and sisters in Christ.  We are all sinners and live in a fallen world.  No group will ever be perfect and if you leave a group after the slightest of problems, then you'll never find a group to commit to.  I'm also dead set against joining a church or group and only thinking of what you can get out of it.  Therefore, make every effort to at least try to discuss the issues you're having with someone in the group - either with the group leader or the person in the group who hurt you (I find this so, so hard!).  If they are unresponsive, then at least you can say you tried.

But there comes a time when you have to look after your own spiritual health.  If you're coming home from your small group every week feeling belittled, downcast and discouraged in your walk with Christ, that's not good.  When that's the case and you've tried to address the problem, it's probably time to move on.  Your departure may be the kick up the pants the group needs.

Some people will probably disagree with my reflections and that's fine.  I'd love to hear from anyone who felt they should leave their small group and how they went about it.

Small Groups: What Shall We Study?

One of the most common dilemmas new Bible study groups face is what material to study....

Bible or Christian book or DVD series?

If the Bible is chosen, then should it be a book of the Bible or a topical study?

Should we use existing study guides or encourage the leaders to write their own?

Which book is relevant to the group members?  One might be relevant for some, but may disinterest others.

I'm not convinced there are any real rights and wrongs here.  These are just some of the my personal thoughts and preferences.

One thing I do think is that the Bible should be studied.  Why are some groups called Bible study groups when they don't study the Bible?  When we joined our current group, Duncan and I were a bit dismayed that all they did was watch DVDs of sermons.  We'd watch the sermon, but there would be no discussion afterwards over what we'd been learning.  Everyone would talk about farming and shooting and then go home.  I found it quite discouraging, and Duncan and I have been trying to gently suggest that we do Bible study of some kind.  It helps to have questions which enable people to engage with the text rather than just passively watching.  Now we're looking at The Truth Project which comes with some very thought-provoking questions, leading to more meaningful discussion and fellowship.

Christian books can be very helpful in understanding the Bible...but they're not the Bible.  Books offer the author's point of view, but God's Word is powerful and cuts straight to the heart.  Yes, we come to the Word with our own biases, but God is mighty to change us despite our cherished views.  It may be helpful to study a book that is on the same topic as what you're studying in the Bible, but I think this should be done concurrently and not instead of the Scriptures.

Personally I think it doesn't matter whether you study the Bible systematically or topically - what matters is whether the study is done well.  The temptation of topical studies is to exclude some verses of the Bible to make it say what you want it to say.  Take some time browsing a Christian bookstore or the internet to select a well thought out study with questions that really make you grapple with the passage.  When I was at uni, I was encouraged by the Christian Union to have a go at writing my own studies.  This was a great experience and is a valuable skill to have, but I don't think this should be enforced within a group.  People are already under the pump with their weekly schedules and don't need more guilt piled on top of them.

Relevance is more of an issue if the group is only studying books.  God's Word, however, is relevant to all, no matter what you're studying.  If you're selecting a book to read within the group, try to pick something more general.  I find it discouraging in women's groups when some group members want to study books on marriage or motherhood at the expense of the single women in the group.

If you're leading a Bible study or thinking about it, then I highly recommend you read Leading Better Bible Studies by Karen Morris and Rod Morris.

The authors are adamant in their view that groups should be studying the Bible and they focus a lot on different learning styles for adults.  It goes beyond the mechanics of running a group and explores the purpose for Bible study groups - so that people may love and trust Jesus more.

That is why I posted yesterday's verse.  Although the context is food sacrificed to idols, the principle is the same for our groups.  We don't want to study the Bible for head knowledge so we can lord it over those who know less.  It's not just about knowing the Bible, it's about living it.  And as we learn more from God's Word, we should be growing in our love for God and each other.

Small Groups: Why Have Them At All?

I guess this is the logical question to ask in this series.

What can small groups achieve that larger groups may struggle to?

I've been in some shocking small groups (which I'll go into in a later post), but overall my experiences have been positive.  I think small groups benefit introverted or shy people especially.

Here are some reasons why I think small groups are beneficial and worth putting effort into:

• It is generally easier to get to know people on a deeper level.  This does depend on the personalities in the group, but a small group makes it harder for people to remain silent and not have anyone notice.  Generally people notice if you're sitting quietly and not speaking to anyone which doesn't always happen in a crowd.  Some people have mentioned they have found it easier to invite friends to a Bible study group rather than a big church service.  Again, this depends on the personality of the person you're wanting to invite (some people like being lost in the crowd where they can just take everything in rather than having people set upon them, asking them who they are etc).
• Moving on from this point...I've found some great friends in small groups whereas many people I've only known at church remain at an acquaintance level.  I became friends with a good friend of mine through Bible study.  We'd been in the same church for years, but never got to know each other.  She had to leave early each week because of work so I would email the prayer points to her.  Our friendship grew from there.
• There are more opportunities to become involved and serve others.  There often tends to be more 'passengers' in larger gatherings.  Because you're getting to know people better, their needs become more obvious.  Small groups give people to confidence to try new things in front of a familiar, supportive audience.
• Small groups enable you to focus on and care for a particular group of people. There are so many opportunities to love others, it can become a bit daunting.  That doesn't mean we ignore other needy people, but the group gives us a place to start.
• The people you're meeting with are likeminded.  That doesn't mean there aren't personality clashes and disagreements, but generally the reason for meeting is pretty clear e.g. we read books, we study the Bible and pray, we're all mums, we play tennis etc.  Sometimes in larger groups the group's purpose can become lost.

I don't know where I would be in my faith if it wasn't for small groups.  I would have ended up with only shallow relationships and become daunted and lost in the crowd (this can happen in churches only of 50 people).  I don't know where I would be in a small farming community without sporting groups.  That doesn't mean everyone I've met has become my best friend (some experiences have been far from positive), but overall the benefits are huge.

The sad thing is when small groups die.  You're in a group which has been a fantastic experience, but slowly people's busyness is choking the group.  Less and less people turn up at each meeting.  You're still keen, but others have lost their drive.  The hardest thing is learning to let go.  Some groups were always destined to have an expiry date, but having wisdom in when to give up trying to resurrect a dying group is painful.

What small groups have you been part of, and did you find them beneficial?

Small Groups: Head and Body

Whoa, long time since I have updated this series!

In my previous two posts, I discussed that groups need to lay down some ground rules when they commence meeting so that expectations are clear, and that there are advantages and disadvantages in single gender and mixed groups.

Another obvious question for a newly-formed group is: Who should lead?

In my experience, groups work best when there is a leader. It seems very nice and egalitarian to attempt a group without obvious leadership, but whether a leader is chosen or not, dominant personalities with leadership gifts tend to rise to the fore. In my opinion, this is a good thing, because if the group consisted of shy, compliant people, no major decisions would ever be made (democracy at its worst).

Even when I have been meeting in a small, small group (two or three people, including myself), someone always becomes the leader. This is natural.

However, people have busy lives which makes it hard for the leaders to pour their efforts into the group and prepare material to study. Our Bible study group in Dalwallinu went into recess during seeding and harvest because the majority of the group members were farmers. This is why it is ideal to have several leaders who can share the load, and for the established leaders to suss out who would like to have a go at leading.

Of course, those members of the group who don’t lead still have a role to play. I know I shouldn’t, but I do wonder why some people never contribute in groups; they come, they don’t say anything, and then leave, almost like they don’t really want to be there, and are coming out of duty. It takes a while to become comfortable to speak up in a new group, particularly if you don’t already know the group members well. But like the church is a body, quieter group members still have a role to play, whether it be bringing food to share, offering their home as a place to meet, following up with other group members during the week, emailing prayer points for various group members (if a Christian small group) to remind the group to pray for each other continually, and many other acts of service.

I know when I’ve had a go at leading in small groups, I’ve really appreciated those who are encouraging and tactful, and felt intimidated by people who want to ‘test’ me. Offering opportunities for budding leaders to be trained is vital to keep the group healthy in the long-term.

Small Groups: Single Gender or Mixed?

If I may ask you to look back on small groups you've been involved with in the past....which do you prefer - all male or all female (depending on your gender) or mixed?

I'm not just referring to Christian small groups/Bible studies/homegroups whatever you want to call them. It can be any group such as a sporting team, parenting group, book club, small workplace.....you name it.

I'm torn to which I prefer as I have been a part of both and can see the benefits and drawbacks of each. Here are my lists of pros and cons:

SINGLE GENDER
Pros

• Makes it easier to share things of a personal nature. I find it easier to open up with a group of women than in a mixed group.
• Can do girly things without annoying the blokes.

Cons

• It can get bitchy and cliquey (I'm talking in regards to all female groups here). My experiences have been positive when I've been in a group of random women of all ages and backgrounds but when there are a lot of similarities between group members, women tend to be a bit too exclusive. I've had my issues being in groups of women mostly over 30 or who are all mums. I didn't have a problem with this until they kept pointing out I was the only chick under 30 and acting like I was too young and stupid to hang around them. Unfortunately women NEVER grow out of bitchiness!
• Too much gossip because there weren't any blokes to put a stop to it.

MIXED

Pros

• I've learnt a lot by hearing men's outlook on life which is often very different to the female perspective.
• The group tends to stay on track more when there are men present and a male leader and not get sidetracked by waffling.

Cons

• In regards to Bible study groups, I've been frustrated when it seemed that the men in the group wanted to keep the group's interaction at surface level chit-chat and made it virtually impossible to get to know the other people in the group well. At times, it felt like we were studying an academic textbook rather than God's Word which is living and active and speaks to us in all areas of our lives. Therefore, prayer time was very general and we only ever prayed about stuff like the weather or Auntie Mary's broken leg but avoided praying about ourselves or how the passage applies to us as individuals as well as a group. Sometimes groups I have been in have avoided this by splitting into gender-specific prayer groups but I don't really see the point of that. If you're going to do that, then you might as well have single gender groups fullstop. I'm not saying people should be super deep and meaningful or share things that are inappropriate but I have felt jealous of mixed groups who are really involved in each other's lives and care for each other deeply.

That's me. What are your experiences? Do you prefer mixed or single gender groups?

Small Groups: Laying Down Some Ground Rules

Here is long awaited first post on Small Groups.

I realise the title of the post sounds a bit serious. Ground rules, you may ask? That sounds strict. What I meant by 'ground rules' was that with any group of people meeting together, you need to define your reason for meeting. And if you do it early it can solve a lot of potential problems.

Whether you're in a group of three or a group of 15, in my experience, I think it's vital that you all sit down together and chat about your hopes and expectations for the group. You may think this is obvious...we're a book club, obviously we're meeting to discuss books. But I've found it's not always so clear cut. Group members will have different expectations and I'm sure we've all been in groups where we've felt unappreciated and disrespected at times by other members who do things they assume we won't have a problem with.

In this series, I'll be mainly referring to Christian small groups/Bible studies/growth groups/homegroups (yes I've heard them being called all of the above) but I think some of the principles can be applied to any group whether it be a mothers' group, a book club or anything really.

In most of the Bible study groups I've been a part of, the leader/s have initiated an 'expectations' discussion during our first meeting together. This was because it was a new group of people meeting together for the first time. We chatted about what we hoped to gain from and contribute to the group, our fears, our goals and what activities our meetings would consist of. In my opinion, this was so important. Some of the groups I've been involved with didn't do a very good job at sticking to what we'd planned and some fell into a hole because of it. I and others have been ticked off by many things that group members have done, some which they probably assumed wouldn't cause a problem.

• Group members being late for no good reason other than they thought it wasn't important that they be on time. This especially became an issue for night groups when the group would start late and finish late as a result of people's tardiness.


• People inviting others to the group without checking with everyone else if it was ok. Obviously this is a complex issue and I will discuss it in more depth in another post. That's why it's vital to discuss these things in the beginning. In the past I've met up with just one or two people at a time who kept inviting people to join us without considering how I felt. This really annoyed me because I thought it would just be us and I think it can damage group confidentiality.


• Which brings me on to the next issue....group confidentiality. Things that are meant to stay in the group which haven't have lead to gossip and hurt.


• If you're a Bible study group....what are you going to study? Who will lead?

Obviously these are just a few things you'll need to discuss. It sounds boring but honestly it's better than dissension among group members. Even if you've been meeting for a while, why not stop and assess how the group is going. No, you'll never be able to please everyone or have the perfect group but good communication is a key to a healthy group.

Mike from The Upper Room has some good things to say about Christian small groups. Read his post here.

What have your small group experiences been like? Positive? Negative? Have you been meeting with your small group for years or do the members seem to change from year to year? Please share your experiences and your ideas for future posts in this series.