Get On Your Soapbox #31

This one is for the stay-at-home mums....

I'm totally over the obsession with encouraging mums to work from home. I've lost count of the number of times I've been told I should do party plan. I just don't sell things! I'm hopeless at it. If you've ever been convinced to buy something because I recommended it, please let me know as I'm extremely sceptical I have any gifting in that area.

I've been told that I need to do something for myself, and that setting up a home-based business is the way to do it. It's marketed as the ideal lifestyle, that you can spend time with your kids while working and contributing to the family income, that you can fit work around family.

I remain completely resistant to the idea and it doesn't show the other side.

You see, if really pushed, some WAHMs (work at home mums) admit that it isn't easy.  It's a juggling act. You can't be working and spending time with your kids AT THE SAME TIME. It usually involves mums on their phones, promoting whatever they're selling via social media, while their kids play in the park. That's not spending time WITH your kids. Other mums have admitted they do get stressed to meet sales targets, or to go out and do parties or demos, because they need to find someone to babysit. The trouble with part-time work is that there are no set hours; it's easy for it to overtake your family time and harder to set boundaries. Often people work until stupid o'clock at night, trying to get everything done. Or they have to palm their kids off to the grandies to get everything done.

I've been there, I've tried it before. It didn't work. It's really hard. I'd rather have less income and a tighter budget and more sanity. I already 'do stuff for myself' on Tuesdays while Flynn's at daycare and Rory's at school.

It's different when you have school-aged kids. You have regular time alone to do it. But with toddlers and babies, it's a nightmare.

I get that it does work for some. Maybe they have really easy kids who like to play alone?

So, why am I ranting about it?

Well, I just think some people should be more honest. It's not what it's cracked up to be. No mum can do it all at once. There are different seasons of life. Being a stay-at-home mum is valuable in itself, and you don't need a pay packet on top of that.

My Snuggle Monster

His love language is definitely physical touch.

It wasn't just the fourth trimester. He continues to love his cuddles....and I love mine from him, too.

The Five Love Languages of Children

This is another book a friend lent me. It is the children's version of Gary Chapman's bestseller among the Christian and secular world alike - The Five Love Languages. I have the original book, but it is another one that's been sitting in my bookcase, waiting patiently to be read (I'm hoping to read it with Duncan one day). Even so, I consider myself quite well acquainted with the love languages - physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. The idea is that we give and receive love in different ways, so that while we may think we're being loving to someone, they may not feel loved, because we aren't speaking their love language. We usually have a primary love language, although often enjoy giving and receiving using more than one. Just as we need to speak our spouse's love language, we also need to with our children.

There were a few things I learned/were reiterated from this book:

• A child's primary love language often changes. At the moment, I think Rory's receiving love language is quality time and Flynn's is physical touch.
•  If their behaviour is not great, it is often because their emotional needs through their love language are not being met. We need to fill their 'emotional tanks' with love.
• Using someone else's love language might not come naturally to us (because we have a different love language), but we need to persevere.
• If you aren't sure of your child's love language, you should observe them carefully and ask them questions which may show which way they're wired. For example, for a five-year-old (Rory's age), I might ask, "Would you like for me to bake you an apple pie (acts of service) or for us to take a walk in the park (quality time)?" "Would you rather wrestle (physical touch) or read a story together (quality time)?" "While I am out of town for two days, would you rather I bring you a present (gift) or write you a poem about what a wonderful boy you are (words of affirmation)?" (pages 111-12)
• When you keep your child's love tank full with unconditional love, you will be able to discipline them with the best results. For example, if a child's love language is quality time, punishing them by isolating them may crush their sense of being loved.

I felt some of the book was a bit guilt-trippy in places, and this is something most parents don't need as we are sincerely doing our best in this very tough gig. There is a chapter about anger (which I struggle with). Overall, I felt as if this book was mainly what I already know.

It Will Pass

This makes me sad:

I won't always cry, Mummy, 
When you leave the room,
And my supermarket tantrums
Will end too soon.
I won't always wake, Daddy,
For cuddles through the night,
And one day will miss
Having a chocolate face to wipe.
You won't always wake to find my foot
Is kicking you out of bed,
Or find me sideways on your pillow,
Where you want to lay your head.
You won't always have to carry me
In asleep from the car,
Or piggy back me down the road,
When my little legs can't walk that far.
So, cherish every cuddle,
Remember them all.
One day, Mummy,
I won't be this small.
- Unknown

 

Like A Queen

I'd been wanting to get my hands on this book for a while when I found it in an opshop last month for....the grand total of 20c.  Bargain!

For those of you who don't know who Constance Hall is, she is a blogger from Perth, who shot to fame a couple of years ago when her post about 'parent sex' went viral on social media.  She could be classed as what you would call a 'mummy blogger', but she is more well-known for being a champion of the sisterhood, uniting mothers together and encouraging them to support each other, rather than tear each other down.

I realise this book will not be everyone's cup of tea, but there were some great things I gleaned from it.  Part biography, part opinion, the structure of the book is frustrating as it seems to leap all over the place.  I'd much prefer some kind of chronological order when she is talking about events in her life.  And she has had a very interesting life!  The saddest thing was that I read the book in hindsight....since it was published last year, she has split with her husband and is now engaged to someone else.

There are many opinions of hers that I don't agree with: I don't think it's necessary for every second word to be a swear word, and while there are many ways to parent, I don't think having an abortion is one of them.  These differences come from having such contrasting worldviews.  While some may be offended by how she writes openly about bodily functions, I have no qualms about it.  I live in a house with all males...talk about bums, farts and poos (from the four-year-old) doesn't bother me.  I loved out loud at some of the stuff she writes.  She is a brilliant writer.  Easy to read and her honest descriptions are hilarious.

Even though I don't agree with everything she says, I have always admired the way she focuses on what brings us together and that she practices what she preaches in trying to create better communities of mothers.

Quote of the Day

Drop the competition, forge a oneness between women, break down the barriers, stick it to society by saying: "No. I will not tear down other women anymore, no matter who they are or what they are doing. I will not be a part of this vicious cycle of mum shaming, bitching, stepping on a fellow woman to make myself feel valued or worthy. Because I am valued and I am worthy. I do not need to validate myself with other women's hardships."
- Constance Hall in her book, Like a Queen

The Pendulum: No-one is an Island

One of the key arguments for the 'Yes' side of the same-sex marriage debate in Australia is that gay people getting married doesn't hurt anyone else.  If it doesn't affect us, we just need to mind our own business.  (This article begs to differ)

That's the argument for many decisions people make every day....it's none of your business, it's not hurting you.  In a way, I agree.  Some of my decisions are mine (or mine and Duncan's) to make.  Why does it bother people if my child still has a dummy, or isn't toilet-trained by the time they think they should be?  Why does it bother someone else if we're against using the 'cry it out' method for sleep training?  Their sleep isn't being affected.

But that's not the case with all decisions.  No person is an island.  Some of our decisions DO affect others.  For example, I might decide that disciplining my children is wrong and they should be 'free spirited'.  It's all well and good to say that this parenting philosophy doesn't affect anyone....until my children go to school and their teachers have to deal with them, shoppers and diners have to deal with their unruly behaviour in public, other parents have to put up with trashed houses and disrespect during play dates.

Some of my decisions are mine to make.  God has given me freedom and, although others may have a different opinion, I will have to wear the consequences of my decision.

Other decisions have severe ramifications.

Think through your decision-making carefully.

A Day's Work

This poem reflects motherhood so beautifully.  Happy Mother's Day for yesterday!

Today I left some dishes dirty,
The beds were made around 2:30.
The nappies soaked a little longer,
Their odour grew a little stronger.
The crumbs I spilt the day before,
Are staring at me from the floor.
The dirty streaks on the window panes,
Will still be there next time it rains.
"Oh shame! Oh lazy one," you say,
"And just what did you do today?"
I nursed a baby while she slept,
And held a toddler while he wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy and made it squeak.
I pushed a swing, I sang a song,
I taught a child what's right from wrong.
What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess it's true.'
Unless you think what I have done,
May be important to someone,
With bright brown eyes and soft dark hair.
If that is true, I've done my share.

Sourced from here

Designer Babies

I really do not understand how some parents (read: mothers) can spend sooo much money on their babies.

Why does a baby need expensive designer brand clothes when they are going to grow out of it in two seconds?
Why does a bald baby girl need to wear a headband?
How on earth can a baby, only a few months old, be comfortable in skinny jeans, leather jackets....and shoes?

Image from here

Image from here

What is the point of a cake smash?  What a waste of a cake!

Image from here

How can some parents say they're struggling to pay the bills, yet fork out hundreds (or thousands) on a decorating a baby's room, or on a first birthday party?

I don't get it.  Please explain...

Hoodwinked

A friend lent me this book a few months back and, in true Sarah style, I've only just finished reading it.  She thought I could use some encouragement in this season of parenting small children...and she was right!

And this book IS very encouraging!  Although nauseatingly American at times (there are only so many times this Aussie can read 'momma' and 'kiddos'), it's a great read.  Here's are the motherhood 'myths' they attempt to debunk:

Myth #1: Motherhood is natural, easy and instinctive
Myth #2: The way I mother is the right (and only) way
Myth #3: I am 'just' a mom
Myth #4: Motherhood is all-consuming and all-fulfilling
Myth #5: A good mother can do it all, all at once
Myth #6: Motherhood is a rat race
Myth #7: Motherhood is the luck of the draw
Myth #8: Everything depends on me
Myth #9: I have to do it all right, or my child will turn out wrong
Myth #10: My child's bad choice means I'm a bad mom

My issue is not so much that I believe these myths, but I grow weary when encountering other mums who do.  I don't believe that if my child turns out to be a serial killer that it's because I did something 'wrong' in raising them, but there are plenty of other mothers who will think that.  I've heard older Christian women bitching about other Christian parents whose adult children aren't following the Lord, criticising their parenting, that they MUST be to blame for the children's poor choices.  This really makes my blood boil.  I was very encouraged by Karen Ehman's (one of the authors) honesty in sharing how her son ended up in trouble with the law as a teenager.  Yes, he came from a 'good Christian home'.  It's tempting to believe that other mothers aren't really judging you, and it's true that they often aren't, but the reality is that sometimes they really are.  Ehman shares openly and honestly how when she was pregnant with her first child she had very strong views on how to parent and how she and other women at her church would say nasty things behind the backs of other women who went back to work or didn't breastfeed.  She also shares how a difficult experience with one of her own babies humbled and changed her.

This is a great book for mums under the pump.  It also contains prayer points and Bible verse cards which can be photocopied and printed.

Quote of the Day

Successful mothers are not the ones who have never struggled; they are the ones who never give up, despite the struggles.
- Sharon Jaynes

Life Without Nanny: The Sequel

We had the lovely Liz stay with us as our nanny from the 8th November until the 3rd January.  Liz is a 30-year-old Christian from Perth and we found her via one of my old uni friends.  The amazing coincidence was that she is also good friends with one of the other farm ladies!  She was an amazing help and fantastic company.  I was so sad when she left and blessed to have had the opportunity to meet and host two great nannies last seeding and harvest.

I've been battling along on my own, although I'm not really on my own, because God is always with me.  There have been days where everything has gone smoothly, and days where I can't wait for bedtime (and to guzzle some chocolate).  I'm feeling a bit more robust, but God keeps reminding me to parent on my knees.  Often it's only after I've tried to do things in my own strength, that He's prompted me to realise, Why didn't I pray?

Related posts: We Have a Nanny!
                        Life Without Nanny
                   Slamming Doors

They're Not Parenting At You

I've been doing swimming lessons with Flynn on Tuesday mornings while Rory is at kindy.  The local pool doesn't do lessons for children under school age, but there is a lady who does small private classes in her own pool on her farm about half an hour's drive from here. Flynn did swimming lessons last term as well (as did Rory - but that's a whole other story) and he seemed to be ok in the water. We had a few grizzly days, but overall I had high hopes that these lessons would go smoothly, right?

Wrong.

We rocked up to our first lesson and I saw my neighbour there with her 11-month-old daughter, who is also her first child. Now, in the country, 'neighbour' doesn't necessarily mean next-door neighbour (next-door could even be several kilometres away) - it means anyone on a farm remotely nearby to you. This neighbour is probably about 5km away, but I hadn't seen her for ages.

Our experiences could not have been more different.

Her daughter is already walking before the age of one, has slept through the night consistently since she was a few months old, and had an absolute ball in the water. My neighbour was wearing a bikini, has pretty much regained her pre-baby body, and got back into sport a few months after having her baby. I remember seeing her in the supermarket when Flynn was a few months old and she said she was close to being due. I couldn't believe it, I thought she had months to go. She was TINY.

Flynn walked later (at 14 months), SCREAMED his head off for the entire lesson, I can count the number of times he's slept through the night on one hand, and he ends up in our bed every night - the only way we can get some sleep. I was wearing a faded old t-shirt I've had since I was 12 over the top of my tankini to hide the fact that I still look terrible thanks to abdominal diastasis. I haven't played sport in goodness knows how long and can't until I've recovered from my surgery mid-year.

It would have been easy for me to become very disheartened after this experience, but an article I read on Facebook recently really helped my perspective. When we're having a bad parenting day, it's easy to think seemingly perfect parents are parenting AT US, that they are deliberately trying to make us feel bad. I don't believe for a second that my neighbour was trying to be superior to me. She simply has a much easier baby and has therefore had a much easier time than me. It's also good for parents who do have a bit of an easier time of things to see parents like me, who very clearly HAVEN'T had an easy time of it and are battling along in the hope that their authenticity is an encouragement to others.

Quote of the Day

This is my hope, prayer and desire for my boys as we start this new stage of life....school.


Don't become preoccupied with your child's academic ability, but, instead, teach them to sit with those sitting alone.  Teach them to be kind.  Teach them to offer their help.  Teach them to be a friend to the lonely.  Teach them to encourage others.  Teach them to think about other people.  Teach them to look for the good.  This is how they will change the world.
- Unknown

Get On Your Soapbox #30

Is it just me, or is anyone else completely over 'parenting experts'?

Each time I check Facebook, my newsfeed is cluttered with articles about what NOT to do.  Apparently any form of discipline you use will screw your kid up mentally for the rest of their life.  No smacking, because they'll become violent.  No time-out, because they'll feel abandoned....

Now it's supposed to be all about 'positive parenting', that if you give your child enough cuddles and attention, their behaviour will improve.  Well, yes, I sort of agree.  But even when Rory and I have had a nice day together, there have still been moments where he's been a complete little toad.

What these 'parenting experts' fail to consider is sin.  Kids are sinful.  No amount of positive parenting will make them perfectly behaved because, like all of us, rotten behaviour comes from the heart.  The heart is something that only God can change.

5 Reasons Threenagers and Teenagers are Alike

Threenager: 
Three-year-old child spouting attitude like a spoilt teenager.
Urban Dictionary

I have one of these at the moment.  Admittedly he didn't become a threenager overnight.  We've gone through the 'terrible twos', and even the 'terrible ones' before that.

Even though I don't have a teenager, my teen years don't seem THAT long ago *cough*.

I can definitely see why three-year-olds are likened to teenagers:

1.  Everything's a drama.  They can put on some Academy Award-winning performances when they don't get their own way.
 2. They're grumpy if they don't get enough sleep.
 3. They want to assert their independence, yet still need their parents.
4.  They can be very lazy and expect their parents to do everything for them (see point 3).
5.  When they're in a good mood, there are delightful conversations to be had.

Quote of the Day

Kids don't need self-esteem; they need God-esteem. If they esteem God, they will understand their value, but not make too much of themselves.

- Dannah Gresh

I Don't Know How You Do It

Why do some women take this remark as such an insult (when said in the context of balancing parenting with other responsibilities)?

I know I say it when I'm full of admiration about how they can handle things when I go to pieces facing much less.

I don't get it.  Please explain....

Quote of the Day

It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world.  It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.
 - L.R. Knost

5 Blog Posts on Parenting That I Can Relate To At the Moment

1. Ten Tips For Getting the Balance Right with Kids and Food - No Reading at the Breakfast Table
2. Slow Parenting - No Reading at the Breakfast Table
3. How I Won the Vegie War: Part One - The Key to the Door
4. How I Won the Vegie War - Part Two - The Key to the Door
5. A Question About Feeding Toddlers - In All Honesty

I wonder if you can guess which child is causing me the most grief right now....