Fast Away 2018 Passes

I've revived the blog...for now.

I thought it fitting to end 2018 with a post.

This year has simply flown by. I know that is a cliche, but it's true. I'm struggling to rank 2018. Has it been good or bad...or just ordinary? I think all of the above.

2018 was the year I returned to the stage after a four year absence. We rehearsed from mid June until the first show in late October. At first, it was one rehearsal per week, then two as things cranked up. My initial disappointment and hurt over getting a small role turned out to be a great blessing. Even though I had a smallish part, I got on famously with the other cast members I had my scenes with, and I was relieved to have NOT got the part I'd so desperately wanted at the beginning. God really does know what is best for us.

My other highlights were doing Zumba each week while Flynn was at daycare, AND...drum roll.....getting to finally meet Meredith and Wendy. We had a lovely lunch together at Kings Park in Perth in November. I really miss the old days of blogging, when we all blogged regularly and had a really encouraging little community.

Another triumph was finally progressing with our garden. We've had no water supply to the garden since we moved here in December 2010, but FINALLY we have lawn, reticulation, some vegies in the garden...and a HOSE!

 

Rory has finished Pre-Primary - his first year of full-time school - and did tremendously. He is growing in confidence, loves school work, and can read simple sentences.

There were lows. One was our failed adoption (and therefore rehoming) of Shadow. Another was my diagnosis of PMDD. It all started in March and resulted in serious mood swings (white hot anger or floods of tears) and searing headaches which left me bedridden. The doctor has tried to help me, but there seems to be little to be done. 2019 will be a year of further investigation as I can't go on like this each month.

Another bitter disappointment was that I seem to be getting nowhere in my writing career. I've wanted to be a writer since I was seven years old, and now I'm seriously questioning if I have what it takes. My novel has been knocked back repeatedly and I haven't done any good in the short story competitions I've entered. The only option left seems to be self-publishing, but that will cost me and I'm not gifted at marketing my own work. The whole saga has left me quite depressed at times.

I've had several dear friends move further away from me this year. One from Perth to Broome, one from Perth to Victoria, one from the farm here to travelling around Australia, one from Albany to Alice Springs, and another is leaving Perth to move to Sydney in January. Even though I don't get to see them all the time, it's harder when they're even further away. Happy for them, sad for me.

There have also been some strained local relationships. I won't go into it, but Duncan has been having similar difficulties with the same people. It just shows that some people have issues and won't like you whatever you do.

As far as 2019 goes, our weekly routine looks like it will remain much the same - one child at full-time school, one child at home, husband working full-time and me doing a little bit of casual admin work from home. Flynn will go to daycare on Tuesdays and I'll have six precious hours to myself. It's nice to have a bit of stability.

To be honest, I haven't missed blogging. I really needed and enjoyed the break. I'll pop in from time to time, with a book review here or an opinion there. Now that Flynn is going to sleep by himself in the evenings, I may have a bit more time to write...maybe.

May 2019 be great, and may you know the one who loves us all, despite who we are, and died for you and rose again....Jesus.

5 Hopes For 2018

It's mid March already, so I'd better post this. Here goes nothin'.....

1. Press on with my dream of becoming a published author. I plan to submit short stories to competitions to hopefully build my writing 'resume', as well as not give up on getting my novel published.

2. Start riding my bike.

3. Build my fitness. I've already been swimming laps at the local pool on my childfree day once a week (man, I'm unfit). When the pool closes for winter (it's an outdoor pool), I'm going to go to Zumba once a week.

4. Go hardcore on DIY projects. I'm in the middle of fixing up my verandah railing (cutting off old wire, sanding, repainting, and putting up new wire). Then I hope to paint the verandah surface with some non-slip stuff I saw in Bunnings. Our verandah gets terribly slippery when wet, and despite my continued warnings, the little fellows run on it, slip over and hit their heads. After that, my scungy outside laundry needs repainting, as well as some of the doorframes and window frames inside the house.

5. Make a serious dent in the huge pile of unread books next to my bed, on my shelves, in my bookcase, and in the drawers of my bedside table. I love books, but I feel like I'm drowning in them (note to self: STOP BUYING BOOKS). Those that I don't like will either be sold, given away, or placed in my in-laws' Perth house (where we stay when in Perth) for other guests to read.

Clumsy

Well, the bike riding is off to a great start....not!

This whopper of a bruise is on the inside of my left thigh. How did I do it? I was coasting along on my bike...that's right...coasting...not riding, more like scooting. I stopped and tried to get off, and my dress must have got caught on the seat (I know, riding a bike, wearing a dress...stupid) and over the bike and I went. Duncan rushed over and managed to sort of catch me before I toppled over completely. I think my leg banged into the seat.

I will keep trying.

2017 Hopes: How I Went

Hmmm, I don't think 2017 was very 'successful' by looking at this list:

1. Confront (and hopefully conquer) some long-held fears and phobias.  More to come in another post.
This mainly revolved around riding my new bike.  Unfortunately it didn't happen.  This year...

2.  Submit my novel to more publishers.
I entered it into the Dorothy Hewett Award For An Unpublished Manuscript run by UWA Publishing, but didn't get anywhere.

3.  Try to have regular quiet times.  I don't want to set the bar too high (it's hard to go from pretty much nothing/sporadic times to daily, so I'm aiming for 2-3 times per week, then build up).
 Nope! I really only read my Bible the night before Bible study each week in order to prepare. I have such a hunger for God's Word, but somehow I just can't sit down and read it.

4.  Continue to sell baby stuff and other items to raise money for Christian ministries.
I donated some stuff to our church's biannual mission stall.  I did sell some stuff, but keep forgetting to actually give the money to ministries! One thing I did last year was save all of the $5 notes I could and put them in a container.  I counted 20 notes the other day....that's $100 for Pregnancy Problem House. This year, I want to save $10 notes and pray about which person/organisation God would have me give the money to.

5.  Adjust my weekly routine now that I'll be a kindy mum, which will include taking Flynn to playgroup on either Tuesdays or Thursdays, while Rory is at kindy.
This was one thing I had some success with.  Flynn and I became regulars at playgroup on Thursdays by the middle of the year.

Stay tuned for my 2018 hopes.

Fast Away the Old Year Passes

I blinked and 2017 was gone.

It was a year of steady progress in some areas, and stalling in others.

It was a year of adjustment for my family, as we entered the school arena.  Suddenly we could no longer take holidays at any time during the year (bar seeding and harvest) - we were confined to term times, like many of our friends.  Rory's Kindy days were Tuesdays, Thursdays and every second Monday.  This made mid-week trips to Albany impossible. I attempted a few daytrips on Wednesdays and that was exhausting.

After a difficult start, the biggest little man did very well. His teacher was very no-nonsense and he seemed to adapt well to her approach. He did things for her that I could never get him to do. He started Kindy not able to hold a pencil properly.  Due to this, his arm would become tired while trying to write. I'd been trying to correct his grip for ages, but his teacher and the occupational therapist who visits the school corrected it within weeks. He has discovered that he CAN use scissors and that craft can actually be fun. But Rory is still very much a 'minimal effort' kinda guy in this area.  He'd much rather be running around outside or doing puzzles.

Dealing with his tiredness and resulting tantrums has been a challenge.  Term 1 was the most difficult, but it did get a bit easier as the year progressed. Still, I'm kind of dreading full-time pre-primary.

Rory's Kindy 'graduation'

One of the many Kindy creations - milk bottle top elephant

One of Rory's paintings. Apparently it's a picture of Daddy haha

This may seem strange, but my surgery was the highlight of my year. That (and actually reducing my anti-depressants) have made a huge difference in my depression. No longer have I been self-conscious going down the street. After I'd had the surgery, Duncan confessed that many people in town have been asking them if I was pregnant (he quickly set them straight).  This reinforced that I'd made the right decision to have the surgery.

Flynn and I at a Melbourne Cup lunch

The other highlight has been surviving seeding and harvest on my own, without needing house-help. I've had short visits from my mum, but other than that, I had a routine happening and I managed on my own (with God's help, of course). I think if harvest didn't fall around Christmastime it would be a LOT easier, as the added stress of the million end-of-year/Christmas events (which all seem to require you to bring a plate) get a bit much.

Flynn at the playgroup Christmas party

Sadly 2017 has seen the slow demise of this blog. I seem to have lost my passion.  Whereas once my head was bursting with ideas for posts, now I'm lacking both inspiration and motivation. By the end of the day, I'm so tired, I can't be bothered starting up the computer to write a post. Plus, I have taken on a small paid admin role for Flynn's daycare, so that has taken up some of my time. I think the fact that many other blogs I have enjoyed over the years have slowed considerably or stopped has been a factor in my own lack of enthusiasm.

What will 2018 hold? Well, it has already got off to a less than ideal start with the death of Solomon, but there are still 362 days left for it to be a good one.

Paddington Bear Comes To Stay

In many kindergartens, the children have to take a toy (or even a class pet) home and take photos of everything the 'thing' did while they were with you.  Rory's class has Paddington Bear (it is actually his teacher's own teddy).  I'm very glad it wasn't a live animal; when I was at kindergarten back in the day, my class had a budgie.  The poor thing must have been scared to death with all those kids!

Paddington Bear had to join in with everything Rory did for a week, from the mundane to the exciting.

Going for a drive on the farm in the ute.

At Sunday School

Having a teddy bears' picnic.

Dinner time

Flynn was quite taken with Paddington.

Sunbaking in the canola.

5 Things I'd Say to My 18-Year-Old Self

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and talk to your younger self?  Tell them not to worry about some things.  Warn them about hardships to come.  Encourage them that, although the present may have its challenges, good things will come.

I follow Turia Pitt's Facebook page.  For those who don't know who she is, Turia suffered burns to more than 60% of her body from being caught in a bushfire while competing in an ultra-marathon in the Kimberly region of Western Australia in September 2011.  She is an incredibly inspiring person and I'm looking forward to reading her autobiography.  One post on her Facebook page particularly caught my eye.  It was a letter she had written to her 18-year-old self for the Business Chicks website.

That got me wondering....what would I say to my 18-year-old self if I had the chance to go back in time?


1.  Your life is about to change in the most dramatic way anyone's life ever can.  Many of your life plans will go out the window.  This is a good thing.  You will meet someone.  It won't be who you think.  It won't be the type of relationship you're hoping for.  Your friends already know him and have tried to introduce you to him.  I think you really do want to know him, even if you say you don't.  I'll give you a hint: His name begins with J....

2.  Don't stress so much about finding a man.  He's out there.  Just wait and make the most of your life until then.  No, it's not the one you're fixated on.  The right one is not quite ready yet...and neither are you.

3.  Your high school friends are keepers.  You'll meet other great friends, too.

4.  Don't give up writing that book.  Don't slack off.  You're single.  Now is the time to write, trust me.

5.  There will be a time in your life that will be incredibly dark.  You will need great strength to endure, but that strength won't come from yourself.  You will be ok.


What would you say to your 18-year-old self?

The Tale of Two Mother's Days

Mother's Day, Sunday 14th May 1995:
The day of the inaugural Western Derby between the Eagles and the Dockers.  This became known as the 'Mother's Day Massacre' as the reigning premiers, the Eagles, taught the young upstarts a lesson, belting them by 85 points.

What a glorious day that was!

Mother's Day, Sunday 14th May 2017:
Exactly 22 years to the day.  This one was not glorious, but it had nothing to do with football.

We were on our way home from church when we received a call saying that a fire was threatening our house.  Apparently the neighbours had been burning off, but it was a windy day and the fire spread to the bush behind our house, where our rubbish tip was.

I dropped Duncan home, so he could join the local fire brigade (made up of farmers) to help fight the fire.  The boys and I escaped to a friend's house, 10 minutes away.  She was with her husband, helping to fight the fire and their two boys were with a friend, so we had the house to ourselves.  At this stage, I didn't realise just how close the fire was to our house.  When our friend, Mel, returned, she told me to brace myself for the worst, but that they were doing everything possible to save the house.

I'm terrified of fire.  I don't know where this strong fear comes from, but I hate lighting fires.  I let the house go cold in winter if Duncan's not home, rather than put more logs on the fire.

A range of emotions engulfed me - panic, fear, uncertainty....anger.  How could the neighbours burn off on such a windy day?  Why didn't they keep an eye on things?  Yes, rain was forecast (but it hadn't come), but didn't they check the wind forecast?  I'd always thought that if there was a fire, that I'd be happy to escape with our lives, that 'stuff' didn't matter.  And it wasn't the actual stuff I was fretting about; it was the ardurous task of starting over.  Where would we live?  The farm had insurance, but how long would we have to wait?  I had no idea about any of that.  I didn't want to have to deal with people offloading piles of their old junk onto us, thinking they were being generous, but really just cleaning out their cupboards.  No, I don't want 50 smelly blankets and old high heels, thank you very much.

I worried about my animals.  I began to brace myself for the fact that they could already be dead.

But I was also freaking out because the very night before, I'd dreamed that our house was burning down.  Now it was coming true!  What was I supposed to make of that?

Mel returned to the fire, rescued our dogs and took them to a neighbour's place.  The neighbours across the road were told to evacuate.

The boys and I stayed at Mel's house and gradually we were joined by all of the farm wives and their kids.  On one hand, I was grateful for the company.  On the other hand, I just wanted to be alone.  I was numb.  I didn't want to listen to laughing and joking people, chatting cheerily around me.

Finally, I heard the news that the fire had been contained and it was safe to go home. 

Miraculously the house wasn't even smoke damaged, it just smelt horrid, like we were smokers and had smoked inside for years with the windows shut.

My animals were all safe and well.

Although I am so thankful to God for granting my anguished requests to save our house, I am ashamed to say that, once again, I was angry.  How could God let this happen?  I was challenged to think about whether He is a good God if our house had burned to the ground.

The answer: Yes, He is.

They backburned this paddock next to our house to contain the fire.

Life Without Nanny: The Sequel

We had the lovely Liz stay with us as our nanny from the 8th November until the 3rd January.  Liz is a 30-year-old Christian from Perth and we found her via one of my old uni friends.  The amazing coincidence was that she is also good friends with one of the other farm ladies!  She was an amazing help and fantastic company.  I was so sad when she left and blessed to have had the opportunity to meet and host two great nannies last seeding and harvest.

I've been battling along on my own, although I'm not really on my own, because God is always with me.  There have been days where everything has gone smoothly, and days where I can't wait for bedtime (and to guzzle some chocolate).  I'm feeling a bit more robust, but God keeps reminding me to parent on my knees.  Often it's only after I've tried to do things in my own strength, that He's prompted me to realise, Why didn't I pray?

Related posts: We Have a Nanny!
                        Life Without Nanny
                   Slamming Doors

Slamming Doors

Since services for women with postnatal depression are minimal where I live, I've had to work so hard to build my own support network.  At times, I've felt very jealous of the support my city friends from the Mother Baby Unit receive.

Lately, it seems like every door of help has been slammed shut in my face...

My mum is not well and is therefore unable to help out at the level she used to.

Daycare are short-staffed, so they can longer take as many kids.  I'm not guaranteed of getting a place one day a week for the boys, so I can get six hours of respite.

Our search for an au pair for harvest time was becoming fruitless and frustrating.  Harvest is just weeks away.

Although I didn't want to, I was becoming increasingly angry at God.  Why was He taking away every avenue of support?  When I tried to find help, why was He slamming every door in my face?

Eventually I exploded and did a bit of door slamming of my own.  I walked out on Duncan and the boys one evening.  I drove off rather recklessly before realising I had nothing but the clothes on my back.  I sat on the side of the road in the dark and screamed and cried out to God.  Why?  Why?

Sleep deprivation makes everything worse.

Of course, I had to go back home.  I had nowhere else to go.

Maybe God was trying to teach me yet again, that where else have I to go but Him?  Maybe He wanted to break me to get me to stop trying to solve everything in my own strength, and turn to Him first in prayer?

Then...miracles.

I've been able to get a spot at daycare for the past couple of weeks, when it all seemed hopeless.
My mum was able to help out the past couple of days.
And....we might have found an au pair.

Once again, I've been humbled by our Almighty God's love and care for little me.  How nothing is impossible for Him.

My anger has been turned to repentance and thanksgiving.

5 Reasons Why I Hate School Holidays

I know what you're thinking....You don't even have school-age children yet, Sarah.  But school holidays affect me just as much.  Here's why:

1.  The programs we attend during term time (Bible study, Rory's three-year-old pre-kindy program that one of the ladies on the farm runs) shut down because those with school-age children like to go away then.
2.  There is no-one to hang out with because everyone's away.
3.  There are more loud kids everywhere (just not ones we know).
4.  It's harder to get a spot at daycare because they take primary-age children during school holidays, too.
5.  In a small town like ours, it's not like we have the option of going to shopping centres, or cinemas, or anything else for kids, like my city friends do.

It rained steadily for those two weeks.  My kids were suffering from cabin fever and there was nowhere to go.

Hooray for Term 4.

Life After Nanny

Our nanny, Jordie, finished up with us on the 1st July.  I'm pleased to say I have survived nearly three weeks on my own during the day with the little fellows.  That might not seem like a big deal to many mums, but one small step for everyone else is a giant leap for me.

The first week went very smoothly, despite the fact we were all sick with colds.  The other weeks have been a bit more challenging at times, but nothing near the catastrophic drama my anxiety was leading me to expect.

I loved having Jordie stay with us.  She was so easygoing and helpful without the emotional attachment that extended family have.  This meant that she did what I asked, rather than consistently question and criticise.  I miss having adult company.

I am so thankful to God for providing the help I needed when all seemed hopeless.

We will look for another au pair before harvest starts in late October.

We Have a Nanny!

Just when I'd given up hope, when I'd threatened to move to Perth by myself to get some in-house help, when I'd yelled, pleaded and begged God to send someone to help me....

He did.

We have a nanny! She is a 22-year-old Christian from a town just north of Perth. She'd returned from travelling overseas and was looking for work. We found her through a mutual friend. She will be living with us until the end of July.

It's working out really well. She is a huge help. I'm trying not to worry about the financial cost, knowing that it's either this or I return to hospital. We are trusting God to provide.

Thank you, Lord! I'm sorry that I continue to doubt your goodness and love. Thank you!

The Curse is Broken

After four consecutive years for which the 13th March was a crappy day for me, I'm pleased to report that the 13th March 2016 was good.

It wasn't amazing, but it certainly wasn't bad.

It was just ok.

Hooray!

The Lord Gives and Takes Away

Before I was even discharged from the Mother Baby Unit, Duncan and I were on the hunt for a nanny. The reality was and is that I struggle to cope on my own and get to the myriad of appointments I need to attend in order to get well.

Ideally we wanted someone:

Without kids. I didn't want someone bringing their own kids over to our house, making more noise and mess.

Without a job. Or at least someone available a couple of days a week.

Local. I didn't want live-in help, if possible. 

With good English.

Able to keep up with young children - robust, energetic, no-one elderly or with a bad back etc.

I thought the chances of finding someone out here would be slim. After a possible candidate turned out to be unavailable, we found someone....a friend of ours from church. She's 24, married with no kids, not working since she's waiting to begin full-time external study, and was happy to come and help me out a couple of days a week.

Things were going well. It was great to have my hands free for a bit. She played with Rory so I could settle Flynn or get a few things done. Or she looked after Flynn so I could spend time with Rory and sleep in the afternoon while Rory slept (Flynn only catnaps still unfortunately). I got to go to appointments by myself. I marvelled and praised God for how He had provided when I thought the situation was hopeless.

But last week we found out that, due to unexpected circumstances, our nanny can no longer come. At first, I thought it'd be ok. I'd manage somehow. Now the reality has set in and it's a juggle and a hard slog. I'm still far from well, and I don't know how I'm going to find more help.

I don't understand why God has allowed this to happen when everything was going so well. But I will trust Him. He knows what He's doing. The twist in the tale may not be what I'd have written, but this is just a very small sub-plot, and God knows how this fits into His story.

Reunited

After two years and three months since we last saw each other in Sydney, I was reunited with my dear friend and fellow blogger, Amanda on the 3rd-4th January.

Amanda, her hubby Michael and their two girls drove across the country and stayed with us in their campervan.

I only wish our time together was longer.

5 Hopes For 2016

I'm aiming for small things this year...

1.  RECOVER!  I have a myriad of appointments to arrange and attend this year to aid my recovery - physiotherapy, chiropractic, counselling, hospital follow-ups, blood tests.  It's doing my head in already.

2.  Send my book to more literary agents and publishers.

3.  Have regular quiet times.  We're only 15 days into the new year and I feel like I'm failing already.  But maybe if I was succeeding I'd be tempted to become proud.  Thank the Lord it's all about His grace.

4.  Declutter and sell things to raise money for missions or whoever the Lord places across my path in need of money.  As soon as Flynn outgrows the baby stuff, IT'S OUTTA HERE.

5.  Read and comment on other blogs more.  I failed dismally at this last year as I was too preoccupied in keeping my own blog afloat.

2015 Hopes: How I Went

It wasn't a very productive year....at least not how I had hoped:

1.  Finish editing my book, write a synopsis and cover letter and send to literary agents.  NO MORE PROCRASTINATING, SARAH, YOU'VE COME TOO FAR!
FINALLY!  I DID IT!  Although I've been rejected four times so far, I finally put my creation out there.

2.  Make God and His Word a priority.  I need regular quiet times, plus I need to get into a Bible study of some sort.  The ladies' fellowship at church has turned into a social group and no-one seems keen to do any Bible study, which I find a real shame.  I'm praying about who to approach to read the Bible with.
The ladies' fellowship folded and an actual Bible study started instead.  I was overjoyed to be meeting with other women every Monday morning to study the Bible using KYB study guides. It was difficult at times due to Rory being the only child there, and he's not always great at entertaining himself. Unfortunately I've had to stop going since Flynn arrived.

3.  Get fit and lose 4kg.  Water aerobics is on on Saturday mornings at our local pool and, now harvest is finished, Duncan can look after Rory so I can go.  I'll get back into Zumba as soon as it starts again, and keep playing tennis.  I want to do some yoga/Pilates type stretches at home to help my back.  Maybe a healthier lifestyle will help with my fatigue.  One thing I NEED to do is stop rewarding myself with bad food.  It's too easy to think, I've had a tough day with Rory, I need some icecream/biscuits *fill in the blank*.  I don't want to, but I need to stop buying Mocha Chills.  Those things are EVIL.  No more than one a week for me!
Well, I stopped drinking Mocha Chills...but that was because of the pregnancy.  I went to water aerobics once before I found out Flynn was on his way and I was too sick.  Any other attempt at exercise went out the window.

4.  Pray and think about how to go about my role as the Ladies' Fellowship Deacon at church.  It feels like I do nothing in this role.  I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing and I need wisdom.  I don't want to overburden the ladies with too many things to do, but I want to encourage them to read the Bible with each other.  I was thinking about having a trash and treasure stall at the local show in March to raise money for missions.
The trash and treasure stall didn't eventuate and I stepped down from the role in August.

5.  Get my DIY projects at home done.  I want to paint the laundry (we have a scungy outside laundry), paint the window frame in the kitchen and stick Bible verses and encouraging quotes around it, upcycle a toy box for Rory, make myself a patchwork skirt....that's probably enough.
Hahaha!  Moving Rory into his new room and rearranging parts of the house was enough.

New Year, New Hair

After more than five months, I finally got to have a haircut.

I'm hoping it will help slow the dreaded postnatal moult.  At least now Flynn can't grab it.

A Blank Calendar

As soon as I can get to Albany next, I'm going to purchase a Sasco Year Planner for our wall.  We get one every year.  Since our early days of marriage, Duncan and I realised we needed a shared calendar, up on wall, so we can both see it.  It saves a lot of drama with double booking, believe me.

The nicest thing about January is that the calendar is blank.  It's my 'eye of the cyclone' month, sandwiched between a busy December and when things start cranking up again in February.  It's nice to feel so 'available' and to write distant future events on the calendar with eager anticipation, rather than dread.