It's been a long time since I updated this series.
Recent happenings in my local town have prompted me to write this post. A few weeks ago, I was considering auditioning for the latest play. As I read through the script at home, I mentioned to Duncan that the two female parts to which I would be suited both involved romantic overtures, including stroking the face of a much older man, or wearing 'suggestive' outfits. Duncan immediately told me he would feel very uncomfortable if I were to play one of those roles, even if it is 'only acting'. I respected his wishes and did not audition.
Now I have found out that the two people who played the leading roles in last year's pantomime went on to have an affair! The twist is that although he is single, she is a married mother, who I'm guessing is probably about fifteen years older than him. The result is the ending of a marriage, children in a broken home, a devastated husband, a school community in conflict. Both parties have left town....and aren't even together. So, was it worth it?
This was a huge wake-up call for me. Duncan was right to have reservations, even before we heard this scandal. I might think it's 'only acting', but I have to be careful. After all, how many Hollywood couples got together after playing on-screen lovers? A lot!
This isn't just about acting. I'm guessing most people reading this aren't involved in amateur theatre, but a heck of a lot are married or in relationships. We need to be careful about how we spend our time with people of the opposite sex who are not our spouse. I'm not saying don't have friends of the opposite sex, but be wise. If you're single, respect these boundaries.
It's not worth throwing away your marriage for.
Related posts:
Lesson 9 from Sarah's School of Dating
From Head to Hand: Being a Christian Writer (just as relevant to being a Christian actor)
Showing posts with label Marriage 101. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage 101. Show all posts
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Friday, April 29, 2016
Marriage 101: A Jew and Gentile Marriage
I've always been fascinated by how many of my Christian married friends are in 'Jew and Gentile marriages'...especially since I'm in one myself. Let me explain...
Now, most of us aren't Jews (either ethnically or religiously). Most of the people reading this will be Gentiles (non Jews).
What I mean is the challenges of a Christian marriage where one spouse has grown up in a Christian family and one has not. Some Christians grow up hearing the gospel from their parents, going to church, saying grace at dinner time, knowing the latest Christian pop songs (or all of the old hymns)...they've been 'Christianised'. Duncan falls into this category. Like the Jews, they've grown up knowing of God's ways.
Then there are Christians, like me, who haven't grown up in a Christian home, have barely gone to church before becoming a Christian, have never heard of the Newsboys or Steven Curtis Chapman, don't really know any old hymns, but somehow heard about Jesus in their teens or adulthood and put their faith in Him. Like the Gentiles, they've grown up knowing very little about Jesus until the gospel spread to them.
There are many different types of 'Jews' and 'Gentiles', so I don't wish to squash everyone into two boxes. In our case, Duncan has grown up hearing hymns all the time in church and was kind of over a lot of them (although he does have his favourites). Whereas I hadn't heard many of them and wanted to buy a CD of them....everything was new and fresh (Duncan said 'no').
I tend to question a lot of traditions and practices. I find some things are just done because they've always been done that way and they aren't helpful in building up the body of Christ. Sometimes Duncan finds my questioning of things a bit too much. Other times, he said I challenge him and help him in his faith.
Duncan doesn't really have a lot of non-Christian friends. Since marrying me, he's had to get used to having non-Christian in-laws. Whereas I wish I'd had the blessing of Christian parents, and I enjoy being able to talk openly about Christian things with his family.
Our different upbringings have meant we've had to flesh out differences of opinion on many things (education being one example, although we're on the same page now). Sometimes it does feel like a clash of cultures, like a Chinese person marrying a Pakistani. Even though both spouses are Christian, a Jew-Gentile marriage does have its challenges.
But, personally, I love how our different upbringings lead us to challenge each other and think things through. I see many Christian couples with identical upbringings (i.e. same church/denomination, both homeschooled etc.) doing the same things for their kids, and I'm glad we're not like that.
Do you have a Jew-Gentile marriage, or are you both 'Jews', or both 'Gentiles'?
How have you found it to impact your marriage?
Now, most of us aren't Jews (either ethnically or religiously). Most of the people reading this will be Gentiles (non Jews).
What I mean is the challenges of a Christian marriage where one spouse has grown up in a Christian family and one has not. Some Christians grow up hearing the gospel from their parents, going to church, saying grace at dinner time, knowing the latest Christian pop songs (or all of the old hymns)...they've been 'Christianised'. Duncan falls into this category. Like the Jews, they've grown up knowing of God's ways.
Then there are Christians, like me, who haven't grown up in a Christian home, have barely gone to church before becoming a Christian, have never heard of the Newsboys or Steven Curtis Chapman, don't really know any old hymns, but somehow heard about Jesus in their teens or adulthood and put their faith in Him. Like the Gentiles, they've grown up knowing very little about Jesus until the gospel spread to them.
There are many different types of 'Jews' and 'Gentiles', so I don't wish to squash everyone into two boxes. In our case, Duncan has grown up hearing hymns all the time in church and was kind of over a lot of them (although he does have his favourites). Whereas I hadn't heard many of them and wanted to buy a CD of them....everything was new and fresh (Duncan said 'no').
I tend to question a lot of traditions and practices. I find some things are just done because they've always been done that way and they aren't helpful in building up the body of Christ. Sometimes Duncan finds my questioning of things a bit too much. Other times, he said I challenge him and help him in his faith.
Duncan doesn't really have a lot of non-Christian friends. Since marrying me, he's had to get used to having non-Christian in-laws. Whereas I wish I'd had the blessing of Christian parents, and I enjoy being able to talk openly about Christian things with his family.
Our different upbringings have meant we've had to flesh out differences of opinion on many things (education being one example, although we're on the same page now). Sometimes it does feel like a clash of cultures, like a Chinese person marrying a Pakistani. Even though both spouses are Christian, a Jew-Gentile marriage does have its challenges.
But, personally, I love how our different upbringings lead us to challenge each other and think things through. I see many Christian couples with identical upbringings (i.e. same church/denomination, both homeschooled etc.) doing the same things for their kids, and I'm glad we're not like that.
Do you have a Jew-Gentile marriage, or are you both 'Jews', or both 'Gentiles'?
How have you found it to impact your marriage?
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Marriage 101: Men Can't 'Have it All' Either
As a married woman, I constantly hear that I can 'have it all' - the family, the career etc. etc. That there is a way to juggle, to have your cake and eat it too.
It's such a lie. It doesn't take into account that women have different limitations and often something has to give. That's why I was so relieved when I heard one speaker at a conference say, "Yes, you can have it all....just not at the same time." Sometimes you might have to wait until the kids are in full-time school or have left home to pursue study or a career. I'm glad I got all of my study out of the way before I had kids....I know I can't cope with both at once.
But what annoys me is that while the message to women is slowly changing, the message to men remains the same....THEY can have it all. They can be a full-time working man and a family man. They can be heavily involved at church. All at the same time.
It's just not true.
I know many women who are privately frustrated that their husbands put work and church above family. But after confessing that, they plaster on a smile and say, "Whatever makes him happy."
Just to be clear, I'm not advocating making family life into some kind of idol. I know families need to put food on the table, and often that responsibility for working outside the home falls to the husband. I'm not advocating that families becoming self-functioning islands who don't need other relationships. I'm not advocating skipping church to have 'family fun time'.
While some women care too much about what their workplace and church thinks of them, so do some men. It's like the responsibility of having a family has become a sort of hobby that they tack onto their life.
The Bible is clear that both singleness and marriage are good things. Paul even goes as far as to say some people should remain single as they have undivided attention to focus on the Lord. I hear some people wanting to matchmake singles who are very, very busy people. Personally, unless some people cut down on their dedication to their career and their extracurricular activities, I don't think they should get married. Where on earth would a wife fit in their jampacked life?
God comes first, but that doesn't mean going on every church roster in existence.
No-one can 'have it all' at once.
It's such a lie. It doesn't take into account that women have different limitations and often something has to give. That's why I was so relieved when I heard one speaker at a conference say, "Yes, you can have it all....just not at the same time." Sometimes you might have to wait until the kids are in full-time school or have left home to pursue study or a career. I'm glad I got all of my study out of the way before I had kids....I know I can't cope with both at once.
But what annoys me is that while the message to women is slowly changing, the message to men remains the same....THEY can have it all. They can be a full-time working man and a family man. They can be heavily involved at church. All at the same time.
It's just not true.
I know many women who are privately frustrated that their husbands put work and church above family. But after confessing that, they plaster on a smile and say, "Whatever makes him happy."
Just to be clear, I'm not advocating making family life into some kind of idol. I know families need to put food on the table, and often that responsibility for working outside the home falls to the husband. I'm not advocating that families becoming self-functioning islands who don't need other relationships. I'm not advocating skipping church to have 'family fun time'.
While some women care too much about what their workplace and church thinks of them, so do some men. It's like the responsibility of having a family has become a sort of hobby that they tack onto their life.
The Bible is clear that both singleness and marriage are good things. Paul even goes as far as to say some people should remain single as they have undivided attention to focus on the Lord. I hear some people wanting to matchmake singles who are very, very busy people. Personally, unless some people cut down on their dedication to their career and their extracurricular activities, I don't think they should get married. Where on earth would a wife fit in their jampacked life?
God comes first, but that doesn't mean going on every church roster in existence.
No-one can 'have it all' at once.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Marriage 101: The S Word
I came to uni as a feminist. I guess I couldn't be considered all that hardcore - I didn't like bras but didn't actually want to burn them - but I believed in women's rights. The Bible was an outdated, chauvinistic book. If I ever got married, there was no way 'obey' was going to make its way into the vows. Submit was a dirty word.
Fast forward a year and a half and I'm sitting at Mid Year Conference (a camp for all of the Christian Unions at all of the unis in Perth), talking to two girls I'd just met. I'm 19 years old and they're both around my age. The two girls were discussing how some high school girls they knew were talking at youth group about how they didn't want to submit if they got married one day.
"I don't know why some girls think submitting is so hard," one girl remarked. The other nodded and I, now in the process of being softened by Jesus to His ways, nodded as well.
Looking back, that conversation seems so ridiculous. We were all single. We had NO IDEA what it was like to be a married Christian woman so how could we say submission is so easy?
Submission has been a constant struggle in my marriage. Although I was only 24 when I got married, I was set in my ways and liked having full control of my life's steering wheel. I was only prepared to submit if Duncan wanted something that I wanted anyway.
Not only that, I was confused as the what submission looked like practically. I've already observed a number of different interpretations and practices in Christian marriages:
After five and a half years of marriage, I still struggle to follow Duncan's leadership and I forget to encourage him to lead. Just as I'm learning to be a wife, he's still learning to be a husband. We need to show each other some grace.
Thankfully I read a book last year which addressed many of my questions, concerns, objections and really nutted through the Bible passages I mentioned above.
Stay tuned for a review.....
Fast forward a year and a half and I'm sitting at Mid Year Conference (a camp for all of the Christian Unions at all of the unis in Perth), talking to two girls I'd just met. I'm 19 years old and they're both around my age. The two girls were discussing how some high school girls they knew were talking at youth group about how they didn't want to submit if they got married one day.
"I don't know why some girls think submitting is so hard," one girl remarked. The other nodded and I, now in the process of being softened by Jesus to His ways, nodded as well.
Looking back, that conversation seems so ridiculous. We were all single. We had NO IDEA what it was like to be a married Christian woman so how could we say submission is so easy?
Submission has been a constant struggle in my marriage. Although I was only 24 when I got married, I was set in my ways and liked having full control of my life's steering wheel. I was only prepared to submit if Duncan wanted something that I wanted anyway.
Not only that, I was confused as the what submission looked like practically. I've already observed a number of different interpretations and practices in Christian marriages:
- When it comes to major decisions, the husband should have the final say and the wife must go along with it, even if she disagrees.
- Then the opposite - submission does not involve the wife not having her say - both husband and wife must come to an agreement before any action is taken.
- The wife must follow her husband's interpretation of the Bible, even if it is heretical, because he is her spiritual leader.
- Then the opposite - the husband's role is to lead the wife spiritually, but the wife's ultimate allegiance is to God so she must not follow her husband into heresy.
- The wife should stay at home, cook, clean and raise the children. The husband should work.
- Then the opposite - how each family works is up to them, whether it be both spouses sharing work and child-raising or something else.
- The wife should not spend money without asking her husband for permission.
- The husband should initiate quiet times with the wife.
- The wife must take a real, active interest in the husband's work (especially if it's farming).
- Being a submissive wife does not mean the wife should turn off her brain or shouldn't think for herself.
After five and a half years of marriage, I still struggle to follow Duncan's leadership and I forget to encourage him to lead. Just as I'm learning to be a wife, he's still learning to be a husband. We need to show each other some grace.
Thankfully I read a book last year which addressed many of my questions, concerns, objections and really nutted through the Bible passages I mentioned above.
Stay tuned for a review.....
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Marriage 101: The 'Good' Wife
After 3.5 years of marriage, I can say that expectations really suck!
Sometimes these are the expectations put on me by others.
Sometimes they are the ones I put on myself (maybe because of the real or perceived expectations of others).
The surprising thing I've found is that the person who has placed the least pressure on me to conform to a certain image is Duncan. Kind of surprising really since I'm HIS wife so you'd think he would have expectations. I'm sure he does (we all do), but he is very kind.
I've also come to the realisation that there are two types of wives who face untold pressure to conform:
Pastors' wives
Farmers' wives (in my case, farmhands' wives)
When you're married to a pastor or a farm worker, it seems that there is a new level of pressure to be a certain kind of wife. You're expected to be involved in your husband's work in a higher level. My married female friends have husbands in a wide variety of occupations. I have a friend whose husband is a pool salesman, but she doesn't know heaps about pools. I have several friends who are married to engineers, but they don't know stacks about engineering. Most of these women could probably state where their husband works and his role, but I doubt having a husband in that profession has made them an expert like he is, nor would they want to be. They love their husbands and want to support them, but they are just not interested in pools or engineering.
But when you're a pastor's wife or a farmer's wife, you're expected to know the intricate ins and outs of church or farm life. Whenever we go out to church, to tennis or wherever, people ask me what Duncan is doing on the farm and how much rain we've had. Normally I can give them a basic answer, but sometimes a basic answer does not suffice. They want DETAIL and I feel like shouting, "For heaven's sake, Duncan's standing over there, go and ask HIM!" I feel like I am defined by the farm and the fact that my husband works there. In the loneliness that sometimes comes with country life, I'd just like someone to take an interest in me and what I do - not just the fact that I'm a farmhand's wife. Praise God, there are some lovely ladies at church who are interested in my work and my book. That makes me want to take an interest in their lives as well.
Maybe it would be easier if Duncan was a pastor because sharing and teaching the word of God and encouraging others is something we're BOTH passionate about. I'd suck as the stereotypical pastors' wife, but at least it'd feel we're in it together and it's something I understand. The farm, on the other hand, is something I'm not passionate about and find difficult to understand. It's like calculus to me. Despite what some of our city friends seem to think (that you just stick a seed in the ground and watch it grow), farming is an intricate science and I don't get the terminology. I am there to support Duncan and that's it. I don't think I should be forced or expected to take any more of an interest in my husband's job than my friends with engineering husbands do. I see my role as 'holding the fort' - doing housework and helping make life easier for Duncan during busy seasons of shift work. The farm is NOT our family business! I was talking to one of the other wives on our farm and it was such a relief that she GETS IT. Her husband is also a farmhand, but he does not have a farming background and this is their first time on a farm. While she loves the country life and raising her kids out here, she does not take a huge interest in the farm.
I'm also realising that the word 'support' means different things to different people. To me, it means allowing Duncan to do what he loves and helping him to do that. It doesn't mean that I BECOME him or pretend to be interested in things that I'm not. Sure when you love someone, you want to take an interest in the things that make them tick, but there is a line. I've seen some women totally change their personalities when they meet a guy. Suddenly they've become revheads because their boyfriends/husbands are revheads - even though they never liked cars or bikes much before. When Duncan and I first started dating, he took up blogging because he could see how much I liked blogging. But not long afterwards, he canned his blog because he just wasn't into it. He didn't HATE blogging - he just found writing hard and it wasn't for him. That's fine, I don't love him any less because he isn't into everything that I'm into. I'd like Duncan to support my writing by letting me write books and seek out publishers, but I don't expect him to want to become a writer himself, to feel strongly about it, or want to be my agent or my editor. I just want him to let me do what I love, the same as I try to make things easier for him when he is working on the farm.
It's women that I've found the most discouraging in my 3.5 years as a farmhand's wife. Some women just don't understand that I want to pursue interests off the farm. They don't get how I don't want to kill, pluck and cook my chickens, or sit around making jam all day. They think I should be able to answer all of their questions about the farm - and some have criticised me for not being able to. I'm wondering if this is a generational thing where, in the past, farmers' wives didn't work, except on the farm, and their whole life was the farm. I went to an office management course for work earlier in the year and I met a number of young farmers' wives who seemed rather discontent about their life on the farm - having to do the office role (even though they find it hard and would rather be doing something else), dealing with a disapproving mother-in-law etc. I really felt for some of these women.
So how have I learnt to deal with this?
Sometimes these are the expectations put on me by others.
Sometimes they are the ones I put on myself (maybe because of the real or perceived expectations of others).
The surprising thing I've found is that the person who has placed the least pressure on me to conform to a certain image is Duncan. Kind of surprising really since I'm HIS wife so you'd think he would have expectations. I'm sure he does (we all do), but he is very kind.
I've also come to the realisation that there are two types of wives who face untold pressure to conform:
Pastors' wives
Farmers' wives (in my case, farmhands' wives)
When you're married to a pastor or a farm worker, it seems that there is a new level of pressure to be a certain kind of wife. You're expected to be involved in your husband's work in a higher level. My married female friends have husbands in a wide variety of occupations. I have a friend whose husband is a pool salesman, but she doesn't know heaps about pools. I have several friends who are married to engineers, but they don't know stacks about engineering. Most of these women could probably state where their husband works and his role, but I doubt having a husband in that profession has made them an expert like he is, nor would they want to be. They love their husbands and want to support them, but they are just not interested in pools or engineering.
But when you're a pastor's wife or a farmer's wife, you're expected to know the intricate ins and outs of church or farm life. Whenever we go out to church, to tennis or wherever, people ask me what Duncan is doing on the farm and how much rain we've had. Normally I can give them a basic answer, but sometimes a basic answer does not suffice. They want DETAIL and I feel like shouting, "For heaven's sake, Duncan's standing over there, go and ask HIM!" I feel like I am defined by the farm and the fact that my husband works there. In the loneliness that sometimes comes with country life, I'd just like someone to take an interest in me and what I do - not just the fact that I'm a farmhand's wife. Praise God, there are some lovely ladies at church who are interested in my work and my book. That makes me want to take an interest in their lives as well.
Maybe it would be easier if Duncan was a pastor because sharing and teaching the word of God and encouraging others is something we're BOTH passionate about. I'd suck as the stereotypical pastors' wife, but at least it'd feel we're in it together and it's something I understand. The farm, on the other hand, is something I'm not passionate about and find difficult to understand. It's like calculus to me. Despite what some of our city friends seem to think (that you just stick a seed in the ground and watch it grow), farming is an intricate science and I don't get the terminology. I am there to support Duncan and that's it. I don't think I should be forced or expected to take any more of an interest in my husband's job than my friends with engineering husbands do. I see my role as 'holding the fort' - doing housework and helping make life easier for Duncan during busy seasons of shift work. The farm is NOT our family business! I was talking to one of the other wives on our farm and it was such a relief that she GETS IT. Her husband is also a farmhand, but he does not have a farming background and this is their first time on a farm. While she loves the country life and raising her kids out here, she does not take a huge interest in the farm.
I'm also realising that the word 'support' means different things to different people. To me, it means allowing Duncan to do what he loves and helping him to do that. It doesn't mean that I BECOME him or pretend to be interested in things that I'm not. Sure when you love someone, you want to take an interest in the things that make them tick, but there is a line. I've seen some women totally change their personalities when they meet a guy. Suddenly they've become revheads because their boyfriends/husbands are revheads - even though they never liked cars or bikes much before. When Duncan and I first started dating, he took up blogging because he could see how much I liked blogging. But not long afterwards, he canned his blog because he just wasn't into it. He didn't HATE blogging - he just found writing hard and it wasn't for him. That's fine, I don't love him any less because he isn't into everything that I'm into. I'd like Duncan to support my writing by letting me write books and seek out publishers, but I don't expect him to want to become a writer himself, to feel strongly about it, or want to be my agent or my editor. I just want him to let me do what I love, the same as I try to make things easier for him when he is working on the farm.
It's women that I've found the most discouraging in my 3.5 years as a farmhand's wife. Some women just don't understand that I want to pursue interests off the farm. They don't get how I don't want to kill, pluck and cook my chickens, or sit around making jam all day. They think I should be able to answer all of their questions about the farm - and some have criticised me for not being able to. I'm wondering if this is a generational thing where, in the past, farmers' wives didn't work, except on the farm, and their whole life was the farm. I went to an office management course for work earlier in the year and I met a number of young farmers' wives who seemed rather discontent about their life on the farm - having to do the office role (even though they find it hard and would rather be doing something else), dealing with a disapproving mother-in-law etc. I really felt for some of these women.
So how have I learnt to deal with this?
- Remind myself that I am playing for an audience of one. God is the one I'm looking to please in my role as a wife and He is already well pleased with me because of Jesus.
- Support comes in different ways. Duncan has asked me to work part-time in the past because we've needed the extra income. He doesn't want me to sit around doing nothing. He's very excited about my book even though he's not a writer or much of a reader. Likewise, I try to do little things for Duncan that encourage him - going out for a ride with him in the ute, tractor or header (depending on what he's doing) because he likes the company, getting meals at a reasonable hour, making sure he's got plenty of work clothes etc. And when I fail at these things (which is often), he tells me not to put so much pressure on myself.
- Telling people, "I don't know," and suggesting they ask Duncan if they ask me a question about the farm which I can't answer. If they give me a disapproving look, that's too bad for them.
- Rising above any snide criticial comments for not being a farm expert. If other ladies don't approve, again that's just too bad.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Marriage 101: Hot Stuff
Hmmm I fear that I may have to put a disclaimer on this post just to avoid having my head bitten off.
Nah!
But seriously, I think I'm going to have to put, "I mean this...but I don't mean this," about fifty times. Here goes....
Duncan and I like to joke around about getting old. I say to him, "Will you still love me when I'm old and wrinkly and saggy baggy?"
He always replies with, "Yes, honey. I'll still love you, honey." Then he adds a joke about my boobs being down around my knees someday. Ha! I tell him that I don't have any now anyway so I've got nothing to worry about.
When Duncan asks me if I'll still love him when he's bald, I tell him, "Only if you go to Advanced Hair (yeah yeah)."
'Til death do us part' in marriage often involves growing old together. The aging process is part of life and, despite all the lotions and potions on the market these days, nothing can reverse that.
But you can grow old gracefully...or you can grow old disgracefully.
I honestly think there is a place for looking after yourself when you're married (or at any stage of life). Knowing that some people may take this the wrong way, I'd better proceed cautiously.
I do NOT mean a 1950s kind of idea where a woman is expected to put on makeup and a pretty dress to greet her husband when he gets home from work, despite having a busy, stressful day of raising kids.
I do NOT mean things about our bodies which may impossible to change (such as women regaining a pre-baby figure).
I am NOT advocating plastic surgery, liposuction, tummy tucks, boob jobs etc.
I am NOT suggesting you need to spend hundreds of dollars on a designer wardrobe.
Now that's out of the way, I DO mean that each spouse should make an effort to look after themselves. Yes, this is not a woman being told, "You need to look good for your husband." The onus is on the husband as well.
Look after yourself and your body.
For women, this might mean foregoing that extra block of chocolate (especially if you are going to complain about your weight afterwards). Comfort eating does not work!
For men, this might mean taking your health seriously and going to see a doctor, rather than assuming, "It's all good, mate." And that beer gut didn't appear on its own.
Nearly two years ago now, Duncan decided he was fed up with his weight and that he was going to do something about it. So during harvest 2009, he gave up eating cake, biscuits etc while he was driving the truck, and replaced them with fruit. He said it was hard going at first and he felt so tired, but his body eventually adjusted and he lost 10-15kg. He has managed to keep it off! Now Duncan didn't lose weight for me (he primarily did it for himself), but I benefited from a happier and less-snoring husband.
We expect our spouse's love to be unconditional (and it should be to an extent), but that doesn't give ourselves the right to just let ourselves go and demand love anyway. Duncan would still love me even if I put on 50kg, but he would be concerned if it was because of my own poor diet. Yes, we will face difficult seasons in life such as running around after small children, illness or injuries. Putting in the time to look after ourselves will be a struggle. The irreversible effects of aging will creep in. But there is a vast difference between not being able to do anything about the scars or wrinkles on our body and scoffing more chocolate (which you can do something about).
When you are married, your body is no longer your own. It also belongs to your spouse.
We are friends with a couple who have a regular date night where they get really dressed up. Yes, they are only at home having a candlelit dinner. And before anyone asks, yes they have three children. But they make the effort.
Some things are unavoidable, but you can look after yourself so that even after 50 years of marriage, your spouse says, "You look as good as you did on the day I married you."
Nah!
But seriously, I think I'm going to have to put, "I mean this...but I don't mean this," about fifty times. Here goes....
Duncan and I like to joke around about getting old. I say to him, "Will you still love me when I'm old and wrinkly and saggy baggy?"
He always replies with, "Yes, honey. I'll still love you, honey." Then he adds a joke about my boobs being down around my knees someday. Ha! I tell him that I don't have any now anyway so I've got nothing to worry about.
When Duncan asks me if I'll still love him when he's bald, I tell him, "Only if you go to Advanced Hair (yeah yeah)."
'Til death do us part' in marriage often involves growing old together. The aging process is part of life and, despite all the lotions and potions on the market these days, nothing can reverse that.
But you can grow old gracefully...or you can grow old disgracefully.
I honestly think there is a place for looking after yourself when you're married (or at any stage of life). Knowing that some people may take this the wrong way, I'd better proceed cautiously.
I do NOT mean a 1950s kind of idea where a woman is expected to put on makeup and a pretty dress to greet her husband when he gets home from work, despite having a busy, stressful day of raising kids.
I do NOT mean things about our bodies which may impossible to change (such as women regaining a pre-baby figure).
I am NOT advocating plastic surgery, liposuction, tummy tucks, boob jobs etc.
I am NOT suggesting you need to spend hundreds of dollars on a designer wardrobe.
Now that's out of the way, I DO mean that each spouse should make an effort to look after themselves. Yes, this is not a woman being told, "You need to look good for your husband." The onus is on the husband as well.
Look after yourself and your body.
For women, this might mean foregoing that extra block of chocolate (especially if you are going to complain about your weight afterwards). Comfort eating does not work!
For men, this might mean taking your health seriously and going to see a doctor, rather than assuming, "It's all good, mate." And that beer gut didn't appear on its own.
Nearly two years ago now, Duncan decided he was fed up with his weight and that he was going to do something about it. So during harvest 2009, he gave up eating cake, biscuits etc while he was driving the truck, and replaced them with fruit. He said it was hard going at first and he felt so tired, but his body eventually adjusted and he lost 10-15kg. He has managed to keep it off! Now Duncan didn't lose weight for me (he primarily did it for himself), but I benefited from a happier and less-snoring husband.
We expect our spouse's love to be unconditional (and it should be to an extent), but that doesn't give ourselves the right to just let ourselves go and demand love anyway. Duncan would still love me even if I put on 50kg, but he would be concerned if it was because of my own poor diet. Yes, we will face difficult seasons in life such as running around after small children, illness or injuries. Putting in the time to look after ourselves will be a struggle. The irreversible effects of aging will creep in. But there is a vast difference between not being able to do anything about the scars or wrinkles on our body and scoffing more chocolate (which you can do something about).
When you are married, your body is no longer your own. It also belongs to your spouse.
We are friends with a couple who have a regular date night where they get really dressed up. Yes, they are only at home having a candlelit dinner. And before anyone asks, yes they have three children. But they make the effort.
Some things are unavoidable, but you can look after yourself so that even after 50 years of marriage, your spouse says, "You look as good as you did on the day I married you."
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Marriage 101: I Want Money
It's strange how something so small in size can cause so many problems!
Duncan and I never really discussed money prior to our wedding. It was agreed that Duncan would continue working full-time as a farmhand, I would look for part-time work, and we would enjoy being on the same level financially as many of our city friends. We assumed having a rent-free home would enable us to 'get ahead' and we could be generous without having to worry that having someone over for a meal could send us down the financial gurgler.
A rude shock loomed on the horizon.
While working as a full-time librarian in 2005-06, I enjoyed having the most money I had ever had in my whole life. Suddenly I could afford gym membership and a decent car....luxuries which had eluded me as a student. When I went part-time in 2007, things continued to be pretty cruisy until Emma got married and moved out and I was left without a housemate for a month. Full rent really hurt. Even when Aimee moved in, my bank account never quite recovered. While I was by no means being reckless with my money, suddenly I NEEDED pay day more than I'd ever needed it since joining the workforce. Having a wedding to pay for didn't help, and suddenly I was constantly needing money from Duncan.
The problem was that even after the wedding both of us struggled to see our money as OURS. We both saw mine as mine and Duncan's as Duncan's. We still had separate bank accounts and I couldn't find work at first. I would go into town and do the shopping, pay bills etc and my account would be in the red. Duncan transferred money from his account to mine but sometimes he would forget. I told him the whole thing was stupid and that we should just get a joint account. He didn't want to, saying that he had too many direct debits coming out of his account and that changing accounts would be a pain. After hearing him make a few too many jokes about women and shopping, I didn't believe his excuses. I assumed he didn't trust me. This whole saga went on until mid 2009 when we finally got a joint account.
While we've always had to watch our money, it was at the start of this year that we hit financial troubles again. There were a few weeks between the end of Duncan's last job until he started this one and during that time we lived off his overtime pay from last harvest. But the move was more costly than we had anticipated. We had to pay the hire fee for the moving truck, we needed a lot of furniture (our house in Buntine was mostly furnished), and I didn't have a job anymore. In early February, the lady who pays the wages for the farm forgot to pay everyone. Duncan's pay ended up being a week late and my stress levels rocketed skyward. I hadn't planned on rushing to look for a job, but now I was scouring the local paper for employment opportunities. We ended up selling my car (which we had planned to do for a while) and now just have the one car and used the money to buy a new bed (and put our old bed in the spare room).
We're still finding it hard going at times, but God has never left us hungry. I have two casual jobs working as an administration officer for two not-for-profit agricultural groups. However, the work is sporadic and I've been sick three times in two months so I haven't been able to work as much as I would like. We realise we will never have as much money as some friends of ours who are engineers or doctors. This does take its toll when we go to Perth and people don't understand how we can't afford to eat out all the time. It's like they assume we're all on the same financial level....but we're not. Recently, we heard from some friends of ours that they had decided to go on a spontaneous holiday interstate. Just because. If Duncan and I want to go interstate, we have to plan a long way ahead and save, save, save.
Sometimes it's hard not to be resentful, but I know I'm just being greedy. I don't want Duncan to think he is an inadequate provider for our family. And I want to be generous, but greed always seems to rear its ugly head. I don't want people to feel sorry for us or give us money....I just want them to realise that although we are all middle-class, we don't earn the $100-150,000/year they earn...nowhere near it. Part of me is afraid to have children because we won't be able to afford all the stuff to get set up - cots, prams etc. But I suppose that people will give us stuff, and there is always Freecycle.
Here are my tips for newlyweds who are facing disagreements about money:
Duncan and I never really discussed money prior to our wedding. It was agreed that Duncan would continue working full-time as a farmhand, I would look for part-time work, and we would enjoy being on the same level financially as many of our city friends. We assumed having a rent-free home would enable us to 'get ahead' and we could be generous without having to worry that having someone over for a meal could send us down the financial gurgler.
A rude shock loomed on the horizon.
While working as a full-time librarian in 2005-06, I enjoyed having the most money I had ever had in my whole life. Suddenly I could afford gym membership and a decent car....luxuries which had eluded me as a student. When I went part-time in 2007, things continued to be pretty cruisy until Emma got married and moved out and I was left without a housemate for a month. Full rent really hurt. Even when Aimee moved in, my bank account never quite recovered. While I was by no means being reckless with my money, suddenly I NEEDED pay day more than I'd ever needed it since joining the workforce. Having a wedding to pay for didn't help, and suddenly I was constantly needing money from Duncan.
The problem was that even after the wedding both of us struggled to see our money as OURS. We both saw mine as mine and Duncan's as Duncan's. We still had separate bank accounts and I couldn't find work at first. I would go into town and do the shopping, pay bills etc and my account would be in the red. Duncan transferred money from his account to mine but sometimes he would forget. I told him the whole thing was stupid and that we should just get a joint account. He didn't want to, saying that he had too many direct debits coming out of his account and that changing accounts would be a pain. After hearing him make a few too many jokes about women and shopping, I didn't believe his excuses. I assumed he didn't trust me. This whole saga went on until mid 2009 when we finally got a joint account.
While we've always had to watch our money, it was at the start of this year that we hit financial troubles again. There were a few weeks between the end of Duncan's last job until he started this one and during that time we lived off his overtime pay from last harvest. But the move was more costly than we had anticipated. We had to pay the hire fee for the moving truck, we needed a lot of furniture (our house in Buntine was mostly furnished), and I didn't have a job anymore. In early February, the lady who pays the wages for the farm forgot to pay everyone. Duncan's pay ended up being a week late and my stress levels rocketed skyward. I hadn't planned on rushing to look for a job, but now I was scouring the local paper for employment opportunities. We ended up selling my car (which we had planned to do for a while) and now just have the one car and used the money to buy a new bed (and put our old bed in the spare room).
We're still finding it hard going at times, but God has never left us hungry. I have two casual jobs working as an administration officer for two not-for-profit agricultural groups. However, the work is sporadic and I've been sick three times in two months so I haven't been able to work as much as I would like. We realise we will never have as much money as some friends of ours who are engineers or doctors. This does take its toll when we go to Perth and people don't understand how we can't afford to eat out all the time. It's like they assume we're all on the same financial level....but we're not. Recently, we heard from some friends of ours that they had decided to go on a spontaneous holiday interstate. Just because. If Duncan and I want to go interstate, we have to plan a long way ahead and save, save, save.
Sometimes it's hard not to be resentful, but I know I'm just being greedy. I don't want Duncan to think he is an inadequate provider for our family. And I want to be generous, but greed always seems to rear its ugly head. I don't want people to feel sorry for us or give us money....I just want them to realise that although we are all middle-class, we don't earn the $100-150,000/year they earn...nowhere near it. Part of me is afraid to have children because we won't be able to afford all the stuff to get set up - cots, prams etc. But I suppose that people will give us stuff, and there is always Freecycle.
Here are my tips for newlyweds who are facing disagreements about money:
- Have a budget. We are complete hyprocrites here because we don't have one although we've become pretty good at checking the account balance and saying no to each other when one of us wants something we can't afford. There are heaps of online budget-making applications. Just Google it.
- See a financial planner. Some Christians assume that if you see a financial planner, it means you aren't trusting God with your money. Bollocks! One of the ways we can honour God is to use our money wisely and we all need a bit of help sometimes.
- Get a joint bank account. Not only will you save on bank fees, it speaks volumes to your spouse that you trust them.
- Keep a little bit aside for spending (if possible). We have friends who are on tight budgets but keep a little bit aside each to spend on what they want (i.e. a new pair of jeans, a movie ticket). It may help with curbing big impulsive spending.
- Go through your stuff and sell anything you don't want or need. Don't hoard stuff - be ruthless. I still de-hoard and sell stuff on ebay even though I've got more room in this house. Use the money to pay off debt or give to charity.
- Trust God. It's easy to trust yourself when you're financially secure, but when things are tight you're forced to question who your faith is really in.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Marriage 101: Movin' On Up
When you're single it seems to be perfectly acceptable to have non-matching cutlery, wobbly furniture from the op-shop, and shabby decor.
When you're married, it's not!
I found that out pretty quickly, and to tell the truth, it shocked me.
The question we got asked the most, besides the kids question, was when were we going to buy a house. When I answered, "Possibly never," the shocked expressions astounded me. Is buying property what all married couples are expected to do? We get our house rent-free as part of Duncan's job. We have never had high enough incomes to seriously consider buying a house, and even if we did, we're not sure if we want to get tied down with a mortgage.
I'm not saying it's wrong to buy a house, but I have noticed how when you get married you're expected to get in line and plod along in trying to keep up with the Joneses. It creeps into the church in subtle ways. Suddenly fellow Christians are giving you advice on investment properties and new furniture. I get tired of speaking to married people who constantly talk about renovations (that are done in the name of trends rather than necessity), private schooling, and trips to Ikea. I've had fellow Christians laugh at me because I don't have a iphone, ipod or iwhatever. No, I'm not joking! Maybe they assume that now I'm married I should be putting my cash towards that stuff....upgrading.
I think married couples should be using their money for the glory of God and not to keep up with peers. Buying a house has the advantage that you can plant yourself in one area and use your house as a base to reach out in hospitality and build relationships. Renting has the downside that the owner may decide to sell without warning, or put the rent up and you are forced to move away from your church, friends or workplace because of a lack of available properties in your desired area. But who cares if a married couple has op-shop furniture and a 3x1 instead of a 4x2. You can't take material stuff with you when you die.
I can honestly say that I don't care whether Duncan and I buy a house or not. We won't be swayed by pressure from others because God has already given us what we need in order to be hospitable. Although I do wish married Christians would share God's Word with each other more than Ikea catalogues.
When you're married, it's not!
I found that out pretty quickly, and to tell the truth, it shocked me.
The question we got asked the most, besides the kids question, was when were we going to buy a house. When I answered, "Possibly never," the shocked expressions astounded me. Is buying property what all married couples are expected to do? We get our house rent-free as part of Duncan's job. We have never had high enough incomes to seriously consider buying a house, and even if we did, we're not sure if we want to get tied down with a mortgage.
I'm not saying it's wrong to buy a house, but I have noticed how when you get married you're expected to get in line and plod along in trying to keep up with the Joneses. It creeps into the church in subtle ways. Suddenly fellow Christians are giving you advice on investment properties and new furniture. I get tired of speaking to married people who constantly talk about renovations (that are done in the name of trends rather than necessity), private schooling, and trips to Ikea. I've had fellow Christians laugh at me because I don't have a iphone, ipod or iwhatever. No, I'm not joking! Maybe they assume that now I'm married I should be putting my cash towards that stuff....upgrading.
I think married couples should be using their money for the glory of God and not to keep up with peers. Buying a house has the advantage that you can plant yourself in one area and use your house as a base to reach out in hospitality and build relationships. Renting has the downside that the owner may decide to sell without warning, or put the rent up and you are forced to move away from your church, friends or workplace because of a lack of available properties in your desired area. But who cares if a married couple has op-shop furniture and a 3x1 instead of a 4x2. You can't take material stuff with you when you die.
I can honestly say that I don't care whether Duncan and I buy a house or not. We won't be swayed by pressure from others because God has already given us what we need in order to be hospitable. Although I do wish married Christians would share God's Word with each other more than Ikea catalogues.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Marriage 101: Agree to Disagree
When Duncan and I were engaged, it was highly recommended that we do a marriage preparation course. In the five week course, we sat down with our pastor and discussed hopes, expectations and things we should speak about with each other which we may not have thought to mention.
As beneficial as marriage preparation was, it could never fully prepare us for marriage. You see, when a couple is dating, they tend to only see what they have in common with each other. Rarely would you hear a dating couple say, "We disagree on so many things," as if this is a good thing and still remain together.
After our wedding, we soon discovered how much we disagreed on, and how much we DON'T have in common.
I don't think is a huge problem in itself; what matters is how we face those subjects of disagreement and work through them. From talking to other married couples, I have resigned myself to the fact that this is normal. It's what happens as you get to know another person really well. Duncan and I will keep on getting to know each other better 'til death do us part, and more issues of contention will inevitably pop up.
I think there are particular questions dating or engaged couples SHOULD ask each other before they consider taking the next step. One is whether or not they want to have children, or if one partner knows they cannot have children. I know of a few relationships where this has been a major source of conflict, and the partner who wants to have children (or have more children if it's their second marriage) feels deceived because they assumed their spouse agreed with them.
But there are also many questions which we never, ever thought to ask each other, and after randomly mentioning something in a conversation, were shocked to discover we disagreed on some issues. One was the public vs Christian education debate. Duncan grew up attending a 'closed' Christian school (where only children with at least one Christian parent can attend) for primary school. I grew up non-Christian and spent my entire education in the public system which worked fine for me. Duncan wanted to send our future children to one of those closed schools and was shocked to find out that I despise them with every breath I take. I simply do not believe in taking children from Christian families out of the world as if this will some how stop them being sinners and hanging out with those awful non-Christian kids. But because Duncan enjoyed his time at his school, he was all for it. I ended up thinking that it was so ridiculous that we were arguing about this when we don't have any kids! Nevertheless, it's a dilemma we'll have to face in the future and a prime example of things couples often don't seek to find out about each other.
I really don't think there is any way around this. Marriage is a journey of discovery and sometimes, when the issue is not important, we've had to agree to disagree, focus on the things we have in common, and move on.
As beneficial as marriage preparation was, it could never fully prepare us for marriage. You see, when a couple is dating, they tend to only see what they have in common with each other. Rarely would you hear a dating couple say, "We disagree on so many things," as if this is a good thing and still remain together.
After our wedding, we soon discovered how much we disagreed on, and how much we DON'T have in common.
I don't think is a huge problem in itself; what matters is how we face those subjects of disagreement and work through them. From talking to other married couples, I have resigned myself to the fact that this is normal. It's what happens as you get to know another person really well. Duncan and I will keep on getting to know each other better 'til death do us part, and more issues of contention will inevitably pop up.
I think there are particular questions dating or engaged couples SHOULD ask each other before they consider taking the next step. One is whether or not they want to have children, or if one partner knows they cannot have children. I know of a few relationships where this has been a major source of conflict, and the partner who wants to have children (or have more children if it's their second marriage) feels deceived because they assumed their spouse agreed with them.
But there are also many questions which we never, ever thought to ask each other, and after randomly mentioning something in a conversation, were shocked to discover we disagreed on some issues. One was the public vs Christian education debate. Duncan grew up attending a 'closed' Christian school (where only children with at least one Christian parent can attend) for primary school. I grew up non-Christian and spent my entire education in the public system which worked fine for me. Duncan wanted to send our future children to one of those closed schools and was shocked to find out that I despise them with every breath I take. I simply do not believe in taking children from Christian families out of the world as if this will some how stop them being sinners and hanging out with those awful non-Christian kids. But because Duncan enjoyed his time at his school, he was all for it. I ended up thinking that it was so ridiculous that we were arguing about this when we don't have any kids! Nevertheless, it's a dilemma we'll have to face in the future and a prime example of things couples often don't seek to find out about each other.
I really don't think there is any way around this. Marriage is a journey of discovery and sometimes, when the issue is not important, we've had to agree to disagree, focus on the things we have in common, and move on.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Marriage 101: The Other Side
One of the exciting things about getting married is that it opens doors to having more people in your life which you'll hopefully have treasured relationships with. I look back now and think of all the people I've met through Duncan, who I didn't know three and a half years ago.
Unfortunately this can also be one of the downsides...
When I was single, it seemed like a neverending battle to maintain strong relationships with my family and friends. Distance and lack of time posed as problems. I have a small family, but even then it was hard to find time to see them regularly.
Now that I've married into a HUGE family, it feels like I'm drowning. Duncan's family keeps in touch with all of their distant relatives (great aunts, third cousins etc), and now there are more people to catch up with....and less time. Plus we've got to throw all our friends into the mix, it's no wonder we often feel time poor.
We only have so much room in our lives to build meaningful relationships so something's got to give. Over time, we've found some relationships have grown stronger and others have waned. Sometimes this is due to distance, but often it's because we're learning how to relate to our loved ones as a couple. Being married doesn't solve all of your social problems; it just gives you new ones. Yes, you have a partner to accompany you to things, but you also get invited to twice as many events, and then you have to choose.
Being introduced to the 'other side' is quite a scary business. I found myself wondering if they'd like me and accept me into the fold, and Duncan has wondered the same about my family and friends. Most people have been great. I'm grateful to some of Duncan's family, especially some of his cousins, who have gone out of their way to befriend me and make me feel welcome. Sometimes this has been done by Facebook, such as sending me messages, asking questions about myself. Now some people would probably find this nosey and get defensive, but I like it that people have shown such a genuine interest, and I appreciate their efforts and try to respond as well as I can.
But there will always be a few people you just don't click with. It's not that these people are nasty, but sometimes there is a personality clash, or they don't seem to take much of an interest in getting to know Duncan or myself (depending on which side they're from). Often we've gone to catch up with a friend or family member and one of us has been bored out of our brain. I especially struggle with being stuck in a social situation with a shy person because I struggle with shyness myself, yet I'm asking questions and trying to initiate a conversation only to be grunted at. I've told Duncan I especially enjoy hanging out with his friends who have loud, effervescent personalities. It makes it so much easier to keep a conversation going when that person is interested in what you have to say and eager to chat. Honestly, I could chat to some of Duncan's friends and family all day, they are that engaging. And on the other side, I love the way Duncan has adopted my Nan as his own, and stirs her up whenever he can (he can do no wrong in her eyes).
When it comes to those we don't get on so well, we have found we need to strike a balance between honesty and grace. We have to tell each other when we don't particularly get on well with someone, and would prefer to spend less time with them because they make us feel uncomfortable, or that they just won't talk to us. But we can't just shoot each other's family and friends down because that makes us angry and defensive at each other. Duncan has told me that while he gets on well with the majority of my side, there are others he battles with because they talk only to me and ignore him, and I've felt the same about some of his side. Yet, I need to understand that some people are very important to Duncan and I need to make an effort because I'm his wife (and vice versa). It's too easy to just catch up with mutual friends and we've already fallen into this trap a bit. We've started to learn that we need to keep other important relationships alive too.
Sometimes it's hard to make an effort, and occasionally I've gotten 'bad vibes' from some people, like they don't really think that much of me, or think I'm not good enough for Duncan. I'm hoping I've totally misread them because it does make me feel quite uncomfortable. I heard ages ago that one person thought that because Duncan and I went out dancing after our engagement party, that he was being lead astray from Jesus. As you can imagine, I was pretty livid when it got back to me, and I felt my hackles rising at being judged like this by someone who hardly knew me. It was like they were accusing me of being an evil Jezebel who was leading dear, sweet little Duncan astray. I'm grateful for people who set things straight. Sometimes pure acceptance with no strings attached is very difficult to find.
We both know we've got to keep things in perspective, and that although the majority we get on very well with, there are others we will need to make an effort with out of our love for each other. Yet, we also need to listen to each other if someone is making us feel particularly uncomfortable or is a really bad influence.
If you're married or in a long-term relationship, please share your experiences. Do you get on well with your spouse/partner's friends and family? How well do you do at negotiating who to see and how often?
Unfortunately this can also be one of the downsides...
When I was single, it seemed like a neverending battle to maintain strong relationships with my family and friends. Distance and lack of time posed as problems. I have a small family, but even then it was hard to find time to see them regularly.
Now that I've married into a HUGE family, it feels like I'm drowning. Duncan's family keeps in touch with all of their distant relatives (great aunts, third cousins etc), and now there are more people to catch up with....and less time. Plus we've got to throw all our friends into the mix, it's no wonder we often feel time poor.
We only have so much room in our lives to build meaningful relationships so something's got to give. Over time, we've found some relationships have grown stronger and others have waned. Sometimes this is due to distance, but often it's because we're learning how to relate to our loved ones as a couple. Being married doesn't solve all of your social problems; it just gives you new ones. Yes, you have a partner to accompany you to things, but you also get invited to twice as many events, and then you have to choose.
Being introduced to the 'other side' is quite a scary business. I found myself wondering if they'd like me and accept me into the fold, and Duncan has wondered the same about my family and friends. Most people have been great. I'm grateful to some of Duncan's family, especially some of his cousins, who have gone out of their way to befriend me and make me feel welcome. Sometimes this has been done by Facebook, such as sending me messages, asking questions about myself. Now some people would probably find this nosey and get defensive, but I like it that people have shown such a genuine interest, and I appreciate their efforts and try to respond as well as I can.
But there will always be a few people you just don't click with. It's not that these people are nasty, but sometimes there is a personality clash, or they don't seem to take much of an interest in getting to know Duncan or myself (depending on which side they're from). Often we've gone to catch up with a friend or family member and one of us has been bored out of our brain. I especially struggle with being stuck in a social situation with a shy person because I struggle with shyness myself, yet I'm asking questions and trying to initiate a conversation only to be grunted at. I've told Duncan I especially enjoy hanging out with his friends who have loud, effervescent personalities. It makes it so much easier to keep a conversation going when that person is interested in what you have to say and eager to chat. Honestly, I could chat to some of Duncan's friends and family all day, they are that engaging. And on the other side, I love the way Duncan has adopted my Nan as his own, and stirs her up whenever he can (he can do no wrong in her eyes).
When it comes to those we don't get on so well, we have found we need to strike a balance between honesty and grace. We have to tell each other when we don't particularly get on well with someone, and would prefer to spend less time with them because they make us feel uncomfortable, or that they just won't talk to us. But we can't just shoot each other's family and friends down because that makes us angry and defensive at each other. Duncan has told me that while he gets on well with the majority of my side, there are others he battles with because they talk only to me and ignore him, and I've felt the same about some of his side. Yet, I need to understand that some people are very important to Duncan and I need to make an effort because I'm his wife (and vice versa). It's too easy to just catch up with mutual friends and we've already fallen into this trap a bit. We've started to learn that we need to keep other important relationships alive too.
Sometimes it's hard to make an effort, and occasionally I've gotten 'bad vibes' from some people, like they don't really think that much of me, or think I'm not good enough for Duncan. I'm hoping I've totally misread them because it does make me feel quite uncomfortable. I heard ages ago that one person thought that because Duncan and I went out dancing after our engagement party, that he was being lead astray from Jesus. As you can imagine, I was pretty livid when it got back to me, and I felt my hackles rising at being judged like this by someone who hardly knew me. It was like they were accusing me of being an evil Jezebel who was leading dear, sweet little Duncan astray. I'm grateful for people who set things straight. Sometimes pure acceptance with no strings attached is very difficult to find.
We both know we've got to keep things in perspective, and that although the majority we get on very well with, there are others we will need to make an effort with out of our love for each other. Yet, we also need to listen to each other if someone is making us feel particularly uncomfortable or is a really bad influence.
If you're married or in a long-term relationship, please share your experiences. Do you get on well with your spouse/partner's friends and family? How well do you do at negotiating who to see and how often?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Marriage 101: Guys Only and Girls Only
In the last post in this series, I wrote about the importance of having a regular date night.
In this post, I'm going to tell you all to leave hubby or wifey or partner or random other and go and let your hair down with your same sex friends.
Many single people accuse marrieds of being like an island....separate and liking it that way. However, I'm here to tell you that no matter how much it may appear that way, married people need their friends. Not just other couples, but friends of the same gender, the friends you had before you were married.
You see, no matter how much I enjoy being with Duncan, there is one thing I am very aware of......he is not a woman! Well, duh! That means that he doesn't 'get me' the way other women do. We have had COUNTLESS conversations where I'm trying to explain the female point-of-view to him, and he just can't understand (not that I 'get' men that easily myself).
Not only are there differences in opinions, but there differences in interests. Because it's a well-known fact that most men don't enjoy clothes shopping or similar activities, married couples tend to do more 'blokey' or at least neutral things together, like camping or fishing. These are fine, I enjoy these things, but I also need 'girl time'. And blokes need to be blokes just as much which they can't always do in the company of their wife.
Since being married and having moved away, I've found it harder to maintain close relationships with my female friends. Our catch-ups tend to be fleeting and, due to the limited time we have when in Perth, it's often easier to see people in a group. Marriages need a lot of time, love and energy poured into them in order for them to flourish, which means you need to be super-organised to catch up with others as well.
Last year, Duncan had his brother and two of their mates up for a blokes' weekend at our place. I took this as my cue to leave and spent the weekend in Perth with a close friend, whose husband was up at ours. It was a GREAT weekend. Sometimes I think it's good for couples to spend time apart and rekindle other relationships. In April, Duncan and the same group of blokes (plus a few others) are having a similar weekend in Guilderton, and, this time, I'm staying home and have invited the same friend to come and visit.
When I was living with Emma, she got invited to a girls' weekend by one of her friends from church. They had a big girly sleepover and some pampering, and the girl who was hosting the weekend had one rule for everyone. Contacting significant others or answering calls/texts from them was banned! The reason for this was that she didn't want the single girls to feel excluded. The whole idea of the weekend was to get away from couples and concentrate on just being girls together and having fun. Fair enough, I say. I've been to women's events before when I was single, and some of the women did nothing but talk about their husbands and kids the WHOLE TIME!
Couples need date nights, but they also need guys/girls only nights.
So...have you organised your next blokey or girly adventure yet?
In this post, I'm going to tell you all to leave hubby or wifey or partner or random other and go and let your hair down with your same sex friends.
Many single people accuse marrieds of being like an island....separate and liking it that way. However, I'm here to tell you that no matter how much it may appear that way, married people need their friends. Not just other couples, but friends of the same gender, the friends you had before you were married.
You see, no matter how much I enjoy being with Duncan, there is one thing I am very aware of......he is not a woman! Well, duh! That means that he doesn't 'get me' the way other women do. We have had COUNTLESS conversations where I'm trying to explain the female point-of-view to him, and he just can't understand (not that I 'get' men that easily myself).
Not only are there differences in opinions, but there differences in interests. Because it's a well-known fact that most men don't enjoy clothes shopping or similar activities, married couples tend to do more 'blokey' or at least neutral things together, like camping or fishing. These are fine, I enjoy these things, but I also need 'girl time'. And blokes need to be blokes just as much which they can't always do in the company of their wife.
Since being married and having moved away, I've found it harder to maintain close relationships with my female friends. Our catch-ups tend to be fleeting and, due to the limited time we have when in Perth, it's often easier to see people in a group. Marriages need a lot of time, love and energy poured into them in order for them to flourish, which means you need to be super-organised to catch up with others as well.
Last year, Duncan had his brother and two of their mates up for a blokes' weekend at our place. I took this as my cue to leave and spent the weekend in Perth with a close friend, whose husband was up at ours. It was a GREAT weekend. Sometimes I think it's good for couples to spend time apart and rekindle other relationships. In April, Duncan and the same group of blokes (plus a few others) are having a similar weekend in Guilderton, and, this time, I'm staying home and have invited the same friend to come and visit.
When I was living with Emma, she got invited to a girls' weekend by one of her friends from church. They had a big girly sleepover and some pampering, and the girl who was hosting the weekend had one rule for everyone. Contacting significant others or answering calls/texts from them was banned! The reason for this was that she didn't want the single girls to feel excluded. The whole idea of the weekend was to get away from couples and concentrate on just being girls together and having fun. Fair enough, I say. I've been to women's events before when I was single, and some of the women did nothing but talk about their husbands and kids the WHOLE TIME!
Couples need date nights, but they also need guys/girls only nights.
So...have you organised your next blokey or girly adventure yet?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Marriage 101: Date Night
Like many young couples, especially those who are Christian, we did a marriage preparation course prior to our wedding. It involved meeting up with our pastor and his wife on a regular basis to go through five or six different challenges we will face as a married couple. On one of these occasions, they encouraged us to have a regular 'date night'.
I had heard date nights mentioned by my married friends, but I really didn't have much of a clue as to what they involved. Basically, they involve a couple setting aside one night of the week to spend together, alone and uninterrupted. Whatever a couple chose to do together on this night was up to them, but this was their night to focus on their relationship in the midst of the busyness around them.
Many of my city friends have date nights. When I moved to the country, the concept seemed foreign to many people. They couldn't understand why they would need one or what the benefits were. When I was single, I was quick to misunderstand the challenges married couples have to work through in order to spend quality time together. Once I was out with a newly married friend when she commented that she really should be going home soon as she needed to spend time with her husband. I was thinking, "Ummmm, you're married. Don't you see each other every day?" Now that I'm married, I can see where she was coming from and I admire her and her husband because they are strict about designating time to spend together. It doesn't always work amidst life's interruptions, but they are good at working out what is an 'emergency' and what/who can wait for another night. It's too easy when you're married to see each other but not really spend any time together and you can easily end up living like flatmates, your main topics of conversation being bills and grocery shopping. Yes, I think date nights are a necessity in the city and highly recommended for the country. Country life may be slower, but it's easy to get bogged down by other people and things which just seem to pop up on the calendar.
My pastor encouraged us to set aside the same night each week otherwise it is easy to make compromises. His advice was not to watch TV but to spend time interacting with each other. Duncan and I don't heed this rule; we watch TV or movies regularly on our date night. I think each couple need to make their own 'rules'. Go out for dinner, enjoy a candelit dinner at home, get dressed up for no reason other than to look nice for each other, play boardgames, read aloud to each other, study the Bible, sit and chat, go to the movies, play sport...or do something else *wink wink*.
But the golden rule above all others is that this is a night for you....not family time. Put the kids to bed early or get a babysitter. Don't answer the phone or make calls. This has been an issue of contention for Duncan and I. In the first few months of our marriage, we neglected to have a date night and we found our nights were being taken up with calling people or having them call us. Then one of us would be spending half an hour or more on the phone trying to maintain long distance relationships with friends or family. It really got to me after a while; as much as I want to keep in touch with people, we are not at their beck and call. Duncan likes phone conversations much more than me and even now, he still automatically goes to answer the phone on our date night which gets my goat sometimes. Ignore the phone. Whoever it is can leave a message. We've never had an instance where the person has been calling due to an emergency; they usually just want to chat. If it's an emergency, fair enough, but other people should just respect your time together, especially if they already know it's your date night and call anyway.
But there will be instances where you may have to change your date night to another night of the week either temporarily or permanently. Originally ours was on Monday nights, but we changed it to Thursday because of netball. Sometimes we've had visitors who've been staying with us so we just changed it to another night for that week. If someone has a birthday, then of course we'll go; we'll just make sure we have a date night on another night. But don't deliberately invite people over for dinner on your date night.
Honestly, our date night has been a great blessing to us and we're grateful to the wise counsel we received before marriage and after. Having a date night is not selfish, that is what was stressed to us. A marriage is a bond worth maintaining. It's too easy in this day and age to just let it fall apart.
Do you have a date night? What sorts of activities do you like to do with your spouse (please keep it G rated ;) ). What challenges have you faced trying to have a weekly date night?
I had heard date nights mentioned by my married friends, but I really didn't have much of a clue as to what they involved. Basically, they involve a couple setting aside one night of the week to spend together, alone and uninterrupted. Whatever a couple chose to do together on this night was up to them, but this was their night to focus on their relationship in the midst of the busyness around them.
Many of my city friends have date nights. When I moved to the country, the concept seemed foreign to many people. They couldn't understand why they would need one or what the benefits were. When I was single, I was quick to misunderstand the challenges married couples have to work through in order to spend quality time together. Once I was out with a newly married friend when she commented that she really should be going home soon as she needed to spend time with her husband. I was thinking, "Ummmm, you're married. Don't you see each other every day?" Now that I'm married, I can see where she was coming from and I admire her and her husband because they are strict about designating time to spend together. It doesn't always work amidst life's interruptions, but they are good at working out what is an 'emergency' and what/who can wait for another night. It's too easy when you're married to see each other but not really spend any time together and you can easily end up living like flatmates, your main topics of conversation being bills and grocery shopping. Yes, I think date nights are a necessity in the city and highly recommended for the country. Country life may be slower, but it's easy to get bogged down by other people and things which just seem to pop up on the calendar.
My pastor encouraged us to set aside the same night each week otherwise it is easy to make compromises. His advice was not to watch TV but to spend time interacting with each other. Duncan and I don't heed this rule; we watch TV or movies regularly on our date night. I think each couple need to make their own 'rules'. Go out for dinner, enjoy a candelit dinner at home, get dressed up for no reason other than to look nice for each other, play boardgames, read aloud to each other, study the Bible, sit and chat, go to the movies, play sport...or do something else *wink wink*.
But the golden rule above all others is that this is a night for you....not family time. Put the kids to bed early or get a babysitter. Don't answer the phone or make calls. This has been an issue of contention for Duncan and I. In the first few months of our marriage, we neglected to have a date night and we found our nights were being taken up with calling people or having them call us. Then one of us would be spending half an hour or more on the phone trying to maintain long distance relationships with friends or family. It really got to me after a while; as much as I want to keep in touch with people, we are not at their beck and call. Duncan likes phone conversations much more than me and even now, he still automatically goes to answer the phone on our date night which gets my goat sometimes. Ignore the phone. Whoever it is can leave a message. We've never had an instance where the person has been calling due to an emergency; they usually just want to chat. If it's an emergency, fair enough, but other people should just respect your time together, especially if they already know it's your date night and call anyway.
But there will be instances where you may have to change your date night to another night of the week either temporarily or permanently. Originally ours was on Monday nights, but we changed it to Thursday because of netball. Sometimes we've had visitors who've been staying with us so we just changed it to another night for that week. If someone has a birthday, then of course we'll go; we'll just make sure we have a date night on another night. But don't deliberately invite people over for dinner on your date night.
Honestly, our date night has been a great blessing to us and we're grateful to the wise counsel we received before marriage and after. Having a date night is not selfish, that is what was stressed to us. A marriage is a bond worth maintaining. It's too easy in this day and age to just let it fall apart.
Do you have a date night? What sorts of activities do you like to do with your spouse (please keep it G rated ;) ). What challenges have you faced trying to have a weekly date night?
Monday, December 21, 2009
Marriage 101: Mrs Duncan?
I've found one of the most difficult parts of marriage to be not the actual changing of my last name, but the partial loss of identity I have experienced as a married woman. You see, since we've been married, many people seemed to have assumed that I've disappeared off the face of the earth and just been absorbed into Duncan. Sound strange? Let me explain....
Since we've been married, we've maintained separate email addresses and separate mobile numbers, but in the immediate months after our wedding, more and more mutual friends seemed to be contacting me via Duncan. They stopped emailing me at the email address I've had since 2001 and I even heard via the grapevine that some people assumed I had closed my email down and was now using Duncan's. Suddenly emails addressed to both of us appeared in Duncan's inbox and all texts relaying important news such as invitations, engagements and birth of babies were sent to his phone.
Now I can understand Duncan's family and friends contacting me via him because they didn't have my contact details but what astounded me was the growing number of mutual friends who chose to tell Duncan things before me. I'm guessing that this was because sending too many texts was expensive and they assumed Duncan would pass on messages to me but guess what....he often doesn't. He doesn't always check his email, he sometimes forgets to pass on messages and, as a result, I often feel like I'm the last to know about everything important. We've had so many conversations with me starting with, "Why didn't you tell me about that?" and Duncan replying, "Oh didn't I? I must have forgot." Coupled with the fact that we're quite isolated, I've found this tendency to cut off contact with me hurtful. People have asked me what I thought about the latest photos of their baby or why I haven't replyed to their email and they look astonished when I tell them I never received it. When I ask what email address they sent it to and they say Duncan's, I groan inwardly.
I don't understand why people would just assume that I would close down my email address because I'm married. Sure, lots of married couples have joint emails but Duncan's email address is his name. Why would we want an email address only with his name in it? Gee, that makes me feel like I've really faded into insignifance. So, I sent an email out telling everyone that those who were saying that I'd closed down my email were wrong and that they could still contact me at the same address; that if they were emailing both of us, I'd appreciate it if they sent it to both emails. I know some people were still contacting me as usual and not only going through Duncan, but this email was for those who weren't.
Why is it always the woman who seems to disappear when a couple get married? I didn't have a problem with changing my name. In fact, I kind of like using my married name for everyday life and my maiden name as my writing name, but for one of my good friends, this was a huge issue. She not only changed her name, she moved into her husband's house, had to get rid of a lot of her things and happened to change jobs around the time of her wedding. She felt like she'd lost her identity and, while I didn't have a major identity crisis, I just wanted people to know that despite all the changes I'd been through, I was still Sarah. Mrs Sarah instead of Miss Sarah, but still Sarah nevertheless and not Mrs Duncan. I hate those stupid traditions where envelopes are addressed Mr and Mrs Duncan. No, I'm Mrs Sarah, so the envelope should be addressed Mr and Mrs Duncan and Sarah. Grrrr.
Yes, a married couple are two who have become one, but a married woman does not disappear and become her husband.
Since we've been married, we've maintained separate email addresses and separate mobile numbers, but in the immediate months after our wedding, more and more mutual friends seemed to be contacting me via Duncan. They stopped emailing me at the email address I've had since 2001 and I even heard via the grapevine that some people assumed I had closed my email down and was now using Duncan's. Suddenly emails addressed to both of us appeared in Duncan's inbox and all texts relaying important news such as invitations, engagements and birth of babies were sent to his phone.
Now I can understand Duncan's family and friends contacting me via him because they didn't have my contact details but what astounded me was the growing number of mutual friends who chose to tell Duncan things before me. I'm guessing that this was because sending too many texts was expensive and they assumed Duncan would pass on messages to me but guess what....he often doesn't. He doesn't always check his email, he sometimes forgets to pass on messages and, as a result, I often feel like I'm the last to know about everything important. We've had so many conversations with me starting with, "Why didn't you tell me about that?" and Duncan replying, "Oh didn't I? I must have forgot." Coupled with the fact that we're quite isolated, I've found this tendency to cut off contact with me hurtful. People have asked me what I thought about the latest photos of their baby or why I haven't replyed to their email and they look astonished when I tell them I never received it. When I ask what email address they sent it to and they say Duncan's, I groan inwardly.
I don't understand why people would just assume that I would close down my email address because I'm married. Sure, lots of married couples have joint emails but Duncan's email address is his name. Why would we want an email address only with his name in it? Gee, that makes me feel like I've really faded into insignifance. So, I sent an email out telling everyone that those who were saying that I'd closed down my email were wrong and that they could still contact me at the same address; that if they were emailing both of us, I'd appreciate it if they sent it to both emails. I know some people were still contacting me as usual and not only going through Duncan, but this email was for those who weren't.
Why is it always the woman who seems to disappear when a couple get married? I didn't have a problem with changing my name. In fact, I kind of like using my married name for everyday life and my maiden name as my writing name, but for one of my good friends, this was a huge issue. She not only changed her name, she moved into her husband's house, had to get rid of a lot of her things and happened to change jobs around the time of her wedding. She felt like she'd lost her identity and, while I didn't have a major identity crisis, I just wanted people to know that despite all the changes I'd been through, I was still Sarah. Mrs Sarah instead of Miss Sarah, but still Sarah nevertheless and not Mrs Duncan. I hate those stupid traditions where envelopes are addressed Mr and Mrs Duncan. No, I'm Mrs Sarah, so the envelope should be addressed Mr and Mrs Duncan and Sarah. Grrrr.
Yes, a married couple are two who have become one, but a married woman does not disappear and become her husband.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Marriage 101: DINKs in the Middle
The thing I've discovered, while being a newlywed, is that we are in rather an odd spot. Probably a more accurate title for this post would be 1.4INKs in the middle since I work part-time (DINKs is Double Income No Kids in case anyone didn't know that).
We are not single. We cannot go out at the drop of a hat. We have responsibilities to each other and need to make time to spend together. We are somewhat flexible, but not as flexible as our single friends. Sometimes that has disappointed people when we've told them we will not take calls or call people because it is our date night. We have a lot of people to catch up with in Perth so we cannot see everyone every time. We will never be as 'available' to some people as they would like. But that's too bad.
However, we are not in the third stage, which is parenthood. Our lives don't revolve around kids....yet. We can go out and have fun without needing to plan too far ahead. I'm wondering if some parents find this annoying. Whenever we make a comment on Facebook, such as we're about to go away for Christmas or Easter, we're almost guaranteed to get what sounds like a jealousy-tainted remark such as "Wait til you have kids. It's so much harder.....blah blah blah." No, we aren't in that stage yet, but one day we might be, and we want to enjoy the stage of life we're currently in.
We feel like odd bods sometimes because it seems the majority of our friends fall into either the 'singles' or 'parents' categories. The number of DINKs we know seem to be falling by the day, as more and more start having kids. One DINK couple, who are our good friends, commented that we are the ONLY DINK friends they have....Christian and non-Christian. Because of this, it seems that people don't quite know what to do with us. We're sort of stuck in the middle, so I think parents see the answer as telling us we need to have kids. Since the moment we've been married, we've been inundated with people asking when we're going to start a family. Ummmm we got married FIVE MINUTES ago! It doesn't help either when some people do nothing but complain about their kids.....on Facebook, in person (note I said SOME people not ALL). Gee, that's really a lot of encouragement to move on to the next stage.
Yep, it seems we're the odd bods stuck in the middle...but we're loving it. This stage of life will never come again and we want to make the most of every moment.
We are not single. We cannot go out at the drop of a hat. We have responsibilities to each other and need to make time to spend together. We are somewhat flexible, but not as flexible as our single friends. Sometimes that has disappointed people when we've told them we will not take calls or call people because it is our date night. We have a lot of people to catch up with in Perth so we cannot see everyone every time. We will never be as 'available' to some people as they would like. But that's too bad.
However, we are not in the third stage, which is parenthood. Our lives don't revolve around kids....yet. We can go out and have fun without needing to plan too far ahead. I'm wondering if some parents find this annoying. Whenever we make a comment on Facebook, such as we're about to go away for Christmas or Easter, we're almost guaranteed to get what sounds like a jealousy-tainted remark such as "Wait til you have kids. It's so much harder.....blah blah blah." No, we aren't in that stage yet, but one day we might be, and we want to enjoy the stage of life we're currently in.
We feel like odd bods sometimes because it seems the majority of our friends fall into either the 'singles' or 'parents' categories. The number of DINKs we know seem to be falling by the day, as more and more start having kids. One DINK couple, who are our good friends, commented that we are the ONLY DINK friends they have....Christian and non-Christian. Because of this, it seems that people don't quite know what to do with us. We're sort of stuck in the middle, so I think parents see the answer as telling us we need to have kids. Since the moment we've been married, we've been inundated with people asking when we're going to start a family. Ummmm we got married FIVE MINUTES ago! It doesn't help either when some people do nothing but complain about their kids.....on Facebook, in person (note I said SOME people not ALL). Gee, that's really a lot of encouragement to move on to the next stage.
Yep, it seems we're the odd bods stuck in the middle...but we're loving it. This stage of life will never come again and we want to make the most of every moment.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Marriage 101: Leave and Cleave
The whole issue of a newlywed couple becoming their own, new family is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. You see, a lot of people won't see newlyweds as a family of their own until they have their first child. I think that's wrong. From the moment Duncan and I were married we became our own family. A family of only two but a family nevertheless (Duncan refuses to count Ebony and Maya as our 'family'). ;)
Also, what does it mean for a couple to 'leave and cleave'? Genesis 2:24 says a husband will LEAVE his mother and father, yet what about cultures where multiple generations live together in the same household? I'm presuming that although parents are still around and in our lives, they are no longer our primary family. For example, the number 1 woman in a man's life is his wife, and not his mother. Likewise a woman's number 1 man is her husband, and not her father.
In Australia, most married couples don't live with their parents. But up here, it's common for a son and his wife to live on the same farm as his parents and I'm hearing more and more stories of people who have a somewhat....errr...strained relationship with their in-laws. Personally I'm very glad that Duncan and I live way out here and have had the time and space to get to know each other and make decisions together. We were talking to an older couple ages ago who said they went to live in the country in the first year after getting married and said it was the best thing for their marriage. I like the way our families can still visit but we're not living on top of each other and I do feel sorry for some of the young women up here who have married into a farming family and it looks like they've become completely absorbed by their husband's family. By that I mean their husband's family might live next door and their family far away. In other cultures it's probably normal for people to live with their parents or in-laws but there's no way I'd want that to happen. I think for some relationships to flourish it's best for there to be physical space between family members. I've got on so much better with my parents since I left home.
I think in a marriage you need to understand that while your spouse may get on very well with your family, it's an altogether different kettle of fish if you were to move in next door to them. Sometimes I hear of women who want to move next-door to their parents so their mum can babysit etc but the husband isn't quite so keen to live next-door to his mother-in-law and who could blame him!
One thing I'm learning is despite their children marrying and leaving home, parents never stop PARENTING. It's hard when we're thinking through some big decisions and other family members are lumping unwanted advice on us. The Bible says we are to honour parents but that doesn't mean we will always agree, even if the parents are Christian. I'm actually dreading having children for that reason. Some of the people who whinged and gave us grief about our wedding plans were family; how much worse is it going to be when there are children involved? Everyone seems to have their own opinion on what are the best parenting techniques and it really annoys me when they force their opinion on others as if it's gospel truth. I'm the kind of person who will ask for help or advice if I want it.....I don't want it forced on me. I shudder when I hear of family members bitching about other family members' parenting skills. If they're going to bitch about them, then they'll surely bitch about me.
Although Duncan and I often don't see eye-to-eye about decisions we must make, I'm loving us being our own little family and I'm glad we have other family in our lives. But personally, I think leaving their parents and establishing their own home is the best thing any newlywed couple can do.
Also, what does it mean for a couple to 'leave and cleave'? Genesis 2:24 says a husband will LEAVE his mother and father, yet what about cultures where multiple generations live together in the same household? I'm presuming that although parents are still around and in our lives, they are no longer our primary family. For example, the number 1 woman in a man's life is his wife, and not his mother. Likewise a woman's number 1 man is her husband, and not her father.
In Australia, most married couples don't live with their parents. But up here, it's common for a son and his wife to live on the same farm as his parents and I'm hearing more and more stories of people who have a somewhat....errr...strained relationship with their in-laws. Personally I'm very glad that Duncan and I live way out here and have had the time and space to get to know each other and make decisions together. We were talking to an older couple ages ago who said they went to live in the country in the first year after getting married and said it was the best thing for their marriage. I like the way our families can still visit but we're not living on top of each other and I do feel sorry for some of the young women up here who have married into a farming family and it looks like they've become completely absorbed by their husband's family. By that I mean their husband's family might live next door and their family far away. In other cultures it's probably normal for people to live with their parents or in-laws but there's no way I'd want that to happen. I think for some relationships to flourish it's best for there to be physical space between family members. I've got on so much better with my parents since I left home.
I think in a marriage you need to understand that while your spouse may get on very well with your family, it's an altogether different kettle of fish if you were to move in next door to them. Sometimes I hear of women who want to move next-door to their parents so their mum can babysit etc but the husband isn't quite so keen to live next-door to his mother-in-law and who could blame him!
One thing I'm learning is despite their children marrying and leaving home, parents never stop PARENTING. It's hard when we're thinking through some big decisions and other family members are lumping unwanted advice on us. The Bible says we are to honour parents but that doesn't mean we will always agree, even if the parents are Christian. I'm actually dreading having children for that reason. Some of the people who whinged and gave us grief about our wedding plans were family; how much worse is it going to be when there are children involved? Everyone seems to have their own opinion on what are the best parenting techniques and it really annoys me when they force their opinion on others as if it's gospel truth. I'm the kind of person who will ask for help or advice if I want it.....I don't want it forced on me. I shudder when I hear of family members bitching about other family members' parenting skills. If they're going to bitch about them, then they'll surely bitch about me.
Although Duncan and I often don't see eye-to-eye about decisions we must make, I'm loving us being our own little family and I'm glad we have other family in our lives. But personally, I think leaving their parents and establishing their own home is the best thing any newlywed couple can do.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Marriage 101: Post-Wedding Doom
I know Duncan and I are definitely NOT the only married couple to have had this experience.
When you're dating, older married couples keep nagging you, asking when you're going to get married. Then after the wedding, they tell you it's all doom and gloom.
You'd think couples further down the marriage journey would offer newlyweds some encouragement....but they often don't. Sometimes when Duncan and I show physical affection in public we get the odd snide remark from people who have been married much longer than us. Stuff like "Get a room" or "Don't you ever stop touching each other?" It's not like we've been overly touchy-feely or anything. I just love my man!
Personally, I think some older couples are jealous of newlyweds. Perhaps they've lost the romance, passion and excitement out of their own marriage so they don't want anyone else to have it either. However, it is pretty discouraging when all you're told is negative stuff.
I know what people mean when they say that relationships change and become more 'comfortable' over the years. We've only been together for two and a half years and married for 16 months but we've started to feel this change. You start to become more comfortable in your own skin around your partner and allow them to see your 'uglier' side, secure in the fact that they love you. You can be yourself and no longer feel the pressure to impress each other like you do when you're dating.
But I don't think this should ever be a licence to just put no effort into the romance side of your relationship. People say that the warm fuzzies die off after a while and maybe they do a bit, but it sounds like they're just letting them die by not putting in as much effort. The whole "Oh Susan knows I love her. I don't need to do anything nice for her," kind of attitude.
I think Bek is right in her post For better or worse about married couples needing to make an effort to keep the 'honeymoon feeling'.
If you're married, then please offer some newlyweds some ENCOURAGEMENT. I was so happy recently when someone told me, "It only gets better." It was so nice to hear something positive for a change!
When you're dating, older married couples keep nagging you, asking when you're going to get married. Then after the wedding, they tell you it's all doom and gloom.
You'd think couples further down the marriage journey would offer newlyweds some encouragement....but they often don't. Sometimes when Duncan and I show physical affection in public we get the odd snide remark from people who have been married much longer than us. Stuff like "Get a room" or "Don't you ever stop touching each other?" It's not like we've been overly touchy-feely or anything. I just love my man!
Personally, I think some older couples are jealous of newlyweds. Perhaps they've lost the romance, passion and excitement out of their own marriage so they don't want anyone else to have it either. However, it is pretty discouraging when all you're told is negative stuff.
I know what people mean when they say that relationships change and become more 'comfortable' over the years. We've only been together for two and a half years and married for 16 months but we've started to feel this change. You start to become more comfortable in your own skin around your partner and allow them to see your 'uglier' side, secure in the fact that they love you. You can be yourself and no longer feel the pressure to impress each other like you do when you're dating.
But I don't think this should ever be a licence to just put no effort into the romance side of your relationship. People say that the warm fuzzies die off after a while and maybe they do a bit, but it sounds like they're just letting them die by not putting in as much effort. The whole "Oh Susan knows I love her. I don't need to do anything nice for her," kind of attitude.
I think Bek is right in her post For better or worse about married couples needing to make an effort to keep the 'honeymoon feeling'.
If you're married, then please offer some newlyweds some ENCOURAGEMENT. I was so happy recently when someone told me, "It only gets better." It was so nice to hear something positive for a change!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Marriage 101: You Are Not Single Anymore
I hope you enjoy my latest series on the highs and lows of our first year of marriage. And in case you were wondering, yes I do have 'permission' from Duncan to share with you all. When I asked if he minded, he didn't seem to care, he was thinking more along the lines that this series may be a bit 'boring' for married readers. Well, we will see who can relate....
The title 'You Are Not Single Anymore' may have caused you to think well, duh but I think single people seldom consider that their lives WILL and MUST change after marriage. You see, you cannot bring the single life into marriage. You are not one anymore, you are two or rather two who have become one. I think a lot of singles who complain about their singleness and dream of it one day ending with a trip to the altar have not realised that marriage will cost them the advantages of singleness. Now I know when you are single, it's hard to think of any advantages but when I was single, I just took the 'freedom' that singleness brings for granted. When you are married you cannot do what you want, when you want and with who you want. There is now someone else to consider.
Duncan and I have struggled with the loss of our singleness in different ways. Now I'll be honest here, I am a very selfish person. I like my space, I like things a certain way and I'm quite happy with my own company. I enjoy catching up with people but if I spend a day alone that's certainly no tragedy; it's a blessing. I was worried that I would struggle being married because of this. Not only would I no longer have my own room, I wouldn't even have my own bed! Due to God's grace I have adapted in these areas better than I though I would but I doesn't mean I don't struggle with others.
I think Duncan struggles more with his loss of 'social freedom', that is he can't just make plans to see whoever he wants when he wants. His house is no longer his own and he has to take my feelings into account. Often while I cook dinner, Duncan will come home from work and ring up to three people just for a chat. I can't do this, I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone and I find one in-depth phone conversation enough for one night. Otherwise it's just too draining. In short, Duncan is more of a people person than I am and at times this has caused tension.
It really got my goat a few times last year when other people casually mentioned to me about plans that Duncan has made but neglected to tell me. If there's one thing that really annoys me, it's situations when I'm the last to know about my own business. Whether it's been inviting people to stay without checking with me or making plans for the house and then mentioning them to others first, this has proved to be a sore point.
I was talking to one of my married friends and she said that she and her husband are the same; she is the 'social' one and her husband is the 'loner' one. She loves having people over but her husband likes to plan it first and if you ever just 'drop in' on them, you better have a good reason. I joked that maybe we should have swapped partners but after thinking about it, I realised that God is using these differences into our marriages to make us more like his Son. If I didn't have Duncan, I would probably be a hermit. And if Duncan didn't have me, he may wear himself out with all his socialising. We really do need each other.
Marriage makes you realise that there ARE advantages in being single. Not that I regret being married by any means but I do grieve the loss of some freedoms. I struggle with serving Duncan domestically. Sometimes I just can't be bothered cooking, cleaning and washing. When I was single, I was more slack in this area because I only had myself to worry about. But now I'm finding myself striving to be more creative and varied in my cooking, to make sure the house is clean because I know it makes Duncan happy. I regret not practising hospitality as much when I was single, busyness seemed to constantly be an excuse. It's a constant fight against laziness and selfishness.
If you're single, I advise you not to expect that marriage will suddenly change you. It won't. Marriage will show you up for what you already are. So if you're selfish and inconsiderate towards your parents, siblings or housemates, then don't assume you're going to be able to automatically snap out of it if you marry. The Holy Spirit is at work in all Christians but we need to co-operate with his leading.
Here are some ways I think singles can practice serving those they live with:
The title 'You Are Not Single Anymore' may have caused you to think well, duh but I think single people seldom consider that their lives WILL and MUST change after marriage. You see, you cannot bring the single life into marriage. You are not one anymore, you are two or rather two who have become one. I think a lot of singles who complain about their singleness and dream of it one day ending with a trip to the altar have not realised that marriage will cost them the advantages of singleness. Now I know when you are single, it's hard to think of any advantages but when I was single, I just took the 'freedom' that singleness brings for granted. When you are married you cannot do what you want, when you want and with who you want. There is now someone else to consider.
Duncan and I have struggled with the loss of our singleness in different ways. Now I'll be honest here, I am a very selfish person. I like my space, I like things a certain way and I'm quite happy with my own company. I enjoy catching up with people but if I spend a day alone that's certainly no tragedy; it's a blessing. I was worried that I would struggle being married because of this. Not only would I no longer have my own room, I wouldn't even have my own bed! Due to God's grace I have adapted in these areas better than I though I would but I doesn't mean I don't struggle with others.
I think Duncan struggles more with his loss of 'social freedom', that is he can't just make plans to see whoever he wants when he wants. His house is no longer his own and he has to take my feelings into account. Often while I cook dinner, Duncan will come home from work and ring up to three people just for a chat. I can't do this, I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone and I find one in-depth phone conversation enough for one night. Otherwise it's just too draining. In short, Duncan is more of a people person than I am and at times this has caused tension.
It really got my goat a few times last year when other people casually mentioned to me about plans that Duncan has made but neglected to tell me. If there's one thing that really annoys me, it's situations when I'm the last to know about my own business. Whether it's been inviting people to stay without checking with me or making plans for the house and then mentioning them to others first, this has proved to be a sore point.
I was talking to one of my married friends and she said that she and her husband are the same; she is the 'social' one and her husband is the 'loner' one. She loves having people over but her husband likes to plan it first and if you ever just 'drop in' on them, you better have a good reason. I joked that maybe we should have swapped partners but after thinking about it, I realised that God is using these differences into our marriages to make us more like his Son. If I didn't have Duncan, I would probably be a hermit. And if Duncan didn't have me, he may wear himself out with all his socialising. We really do need each other.
Marriage makes you realise that there ARE advantages in being single. Not that I regret being married by any means but I do grieve the loss of some freedoms. I struggle with serving Duncan domestically. Sometimes I just can't be bothered cooking, cleaning and washing. When I was single, I was more slack in this area because I only had myself to worry about. But now I'm finding myself striving to be more creative and varied in my cooking, to make sure the house is clean because I know it makes Duncan happy. I regret not practising hospitality as much when I was single, busyness seemed to constantly be an excuse. It's a constant fight against laziness and selfishness.
If you're single, I advise you not to expect that marriage will suddenly change you. It won't. Marriage will show you up for what you already are. So if you're selfish and inconsiderate towards your parents, siblings or housemates, then don't assume you're going to be able to automatically snap out of it if you marry. The Holy Spirit is at work in all Christians but we need to co-operate with his leading.
Here are some ways I think singles can practice serving those they live with:
- Stick to your share of the chores.
- Clean up after yourself.
- Don't just invite a mob of people over without checking with your housemates. It's their house too.
- Be considerate noise-wise of housemates/family who need sleep or do night shifts.
- Practise hospitality.
Marriage has indeed involved many conversations and struggling to explain our points of view in a way that the other can understand. It often means that we have to relinquish plans that we could have just gone ahead and accomplished if we were single. I realise I've only touched the tip of the iceberg with this post; the whole journey of marriage is learning to not be single. But I know I have learned that being with Duncan brings such great joy. I love sharing life with him and I'm praying that will only increase as the years pass.
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