Anonymous, that's exactly what I'm struggling with. What does forgiveness look like? Forgiveness is hard enough in itself and it is costly (look what Jesus had to go through) - God doesn't take sin lightly. Yet once you've forgiven the perpetrator, does that mean you have to let them back into your life again and everything goes back to how it was before? What if the person does not give two hoots about whether you've forgiven them or not and continues to behave in a hurtful manner? Is there not a place for distancing yourself in order to protect yourself from further harm? I know God continues to forgive us even though we continue to sin against him. Yet, as a sinful human myself, I often struggle to reconcile relationships with other sinful humans. This is coming from someone who used to push people in arguments to reconcile with each other immediately. There's nothing wrong with this but I've since discovered that it's not this easy textbook formula that I made it out to be. Forgiveness and trust are different. I might, by God's grace, be able to forgive someone but whether I trust them again is a completely different matter.
It's a fair question and dilemma I think. Once we've forgiven, what next?
After forgiving a relatively minor offense, chances are the relationship can remain at the same level of closeness it had before. Some people find resolving conflict even draws them closer.
But what if the offense is major? You forgiven them by God's grace but can things ever return to how they were? I'm convinced that forgiveness and trust are two completely different things. God asks us to forgive - but not necessarily to trust everyone. He asks us to trust him. Here are some examples of incidents which forgiveness may be able to be achieved but trust is much harder.
- Adultery
- Domestic violence
- Slander/gossip
You might by God's grace be able to forgive someone who has cheated on you, assaulted you or spread a hurtful rumour about you. They may indeed be genuinely repentant but I admit I'd find it very hard to trust them again. I'd constantly be suspicious and watchful, wondering if they'd again betray my trust. And I'd find it just as hard to open up and share a deeper part of myself. This must be especially difficult in marriage where we are commanded to seek reconciliation rather than divorce.
The world is full of 'disposable relationships' where if someone hurts you, it is your right to cut them off completely. You might forgive but you'd be a fool to be friends with them again so we are supposed to ignore them. Does God say to do that? Does he say forgive then you can ignore them? Does ignoring show you haven't really forgiven?
I admit I'm one for ignoring people I'm annoyed at. It has its merits in that it can allow you to cool down, get some space and work through stuff before trying to repair the relationship. But it's not a long term solution as I've discovered. For one thing, when I'm trying to ignore them I find I'm constantly aware of where that person is in the room. I have to be careful to avoid places where they are, even taking longer routes to get out of that awkward face-to-face meeting. Ignoring someone does not work.
So what does 'post forgiveness' look like? We must forgive, no question, whether we tell that person that we've forgiven them or do it in the quiet of our heart. But how do we rebuild shattered trust?
Sometimes I don't think relationships can be fully restored to how they were before. I know there's been times where I've been hurt too bad and although I'm on speaking terms with that person, we don't have to be close friends. God calls us to live in peace with each other but we don't have to be best friends. That was some of the best advice I've heard this year.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)
We can only do what we can to be peacemakers. The rest depends on the other person which brings me to my next point....
It's easier to for a broken relationship to return to its previous standing when the perpetrator is repentant. But what if they're not? What if, like in my comment above, 'they do not give two hoots about whether you've forgiven them or not and continue to behave in a hurtful manner'? They might think their bad treatment of you is completely warranted. What now? One incident I've of is the (now ended) marriage of Shane and Simone Warne. He keeps cheating on her, she keeps taking him back. It doesn't look like he'll ever learn his lesson. She's remained on good terms with him but does that mean she needs to keep subjecting herself to adultery? It's a tough situation.
Obviously you can't make that other person want peace, you can only do what you can. Part of this is trusting God by not taking revenge yourself. But does that mean you need to let yourself be physically and emotionally harmed, lie down and be a doormat? A lot of Christians will tell you 'yes' and they'll base that view on Jesus' words in Matthew 5:38-42.
But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
I don't know what to make of those verses. Some will say they're about religious persecution so you don't have to do it just because someone has 'issues' and likes mistreating you. Romans 12:20 says the following:
On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
We can show love to our enemies, radical love, that will hopefully shame them. We can be peacemakers from our end, but we can only do so much. But as for allowing ourselves to be in harm's way, well Paul does talk about 'church discipline' in 1 Corinthians indicating we are to care about each other's behaviour and godliness and rebuke where necessary (especially if the perpetrator is a fellow Christian and they remain unrepentant).
We don't just have to 'cop it', just don't sin against them. Sometimes I think keeping your distance for a bit may be necessary. Peacemaking doesn't mean you have to deeply trust the person. I know when someone's blabbed something I told them in confidence, I can forgive the person, they may even still be my friend. But the relationship has changed, some trust has been lost. I may be able to trust them again in time but I'm not obligated to tell them all of my deepest darkest secrets again.
Writing about the 'aftermath' of forgiveness has definitely been the toughest post. It's not easy but I don't have to do it alone. Amongst all the conflicting opinions and advice, God is with me. I'm still working through this stuff.
I would love it if you could share your thoughts, opinions or experiences by leaving a comment.
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