Forgiveness: Why Do It?

When I've been wronged by someone, I often ask God, "Do I have to forgive them?"
Behind this question is my attitude of not wanting to forgive, to make them pay and to hold onto my anger. I'm really hoping that God will say that I don't have to forgive them and that there is a limit of how many times I have to forgive someone before I can turn to them and say "Sorry, no more. You've had your chances. Now I'm cutting you off for good. Goodbye."

In short, the answer to the question, "Do we have to forgive?" is yes. Why?

I think there are two reasons:
1. God says so.
2. There are benefits for both the forgiver and the forgiven.

Why does God insist we forgive others who hurt us? Basically because he forgave us.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

God has graciously forgiven us through what Jesus did for us on the cross. Therefore, we have no right to remain unforgiving towards another person when God has forgiven us for our rebellion against him, for rejecting him as God, for living our own lives our own way as if we don't need him, for ignoring him, for disobeying how we wants us to live, treating others and the rest of God's creation in a shocking way. There are many horrific things which we humans do to each other - rape, assault, theft, fraud, adultery, murder.... I'm not trying to downplay the magnitude of these offenses. But no matter how badly someone has treated you...we have treated God much worse. And we cannot accept God's forgiveness yet continue to remain hateful and unforgiving towards another person. It's hard, that's for sure - but I cannot see any way around it.

Jesus gave us the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:23-35

"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

How may times do I need to keep forgiving one who sins against me? Jesus pretty much answers my question in Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

We know it's not a literal 77 times. It's not saying that on the 78th time you can stop forgiving and start hating and resenting. 77 times just means a lot so basically forgive....and keep forgiving. Don't keep count.

How can I not count that person's sins against them? Ultimately their sin is more against God than it is against me and God is only one who can forgive sins. So if God has forgiven then I cannot claim to be holier than God and withhold forgiveness. I know I cannot forgive perfectly as God does. But that doesn't mean I can use it as an excuse to get out of it. As I said in the first post, forgiveness takes both God and me.

Even people who profess no faith in God know that forgiveness is a good thing. For one thing it has benefits for both the forgiver and the perpetrator. At first, it felt great not forgiving someone. I was making sure they knew just how much they'd hurt and angered me, that they knew the magnitude of their actions and that they'd feel bad....really bad. I had a right to stew in my anger. I was the hurt one, the victim.

But unforgiveness is like a cancer...it eats away at the soul. There are many incidents where the perpetrator has long moved on but the victim cannot. Their anger and unforgiveness is torturing them. I know I've felt like that - replaying the incident over and over, dwelling on it, thinking about it...and the hurt and rage just didn't go away. That's one reason why it's often said that forgiveness can be more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. Christian or not, very few people want conflict and broken relationships. I think I can fairly safely say we all want peace and reconciliation.

Forgiveness also benefits the one being forgiven. I'm sure we've all wronged someone in our lifetime and know the relief when that person graciously forgives us. It's like we've been liberated from our chains of guilt.

Forgiveness is not magic. But it is the first step to moving on, that despite hurt and injustice that God has everything under control, he is the one who will ultimately judge, he will right all wrongs. That's not saying we shouldn't step in when we see someone treating another person badly. There is a difference between justice and revenge.

There are no excuses with forgiveness. I could think of many I've come up with to fit different circumstances but God has gently rebuked me each time. Maybe the perpetrator is dead so you cannot go to them and say "I forgive you." Maybe you don't know where they are or how to contact them. Maybe they don't care less whether you've forgiven them or not and continue to believe they're in their right to hurt you. Whether or not we can speak words of forgiveness to someone, we still must forgive them from our heart.

This all raises the question I will attempt to answer in my next post - what should the relationship look like after you've forgiven them? Should everything be back to a bed of roses, just like it was before? Or, despite forgiveness, is the person still continuing to hurt you, causing immense damage to you physically, emotionally or spiritually? Can we still forgive but change a relationship?