Forgiveness: What It's Not

In many ways, this post is more important than my previous one. There's only so much I could say on what I (and the dictionary) think forgiveness is. I'm going to say much more on what forgiveness is NOT.

This is important because so many people have a faulty understanding on what is required when forgiving someone. This includes myself and it is only due to the counsel of some very wise people that I can now somewhat see the difference. Wrong views of forgiveness are not only prevalent in Christian circles but among secular people too. Many Christians say that forgiveness is letting people walk all over us - and this is what we should do. Meanwhile the world screams that forgiveness is a sign of weakness, that we don't have to do it and, if we do, then we should only give someone one chance. I realise not all Christians or secular people hold to these views - they are just some opinions I have heard in my lifetime.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. I reckon a lot of us think The Corrs got it right in their song, 'Forgiven Not Forgotten'. We are not expected to forget the incident ever happened. It may be very doable with minor incidents (many which I've forgotten over the years) but when a major grievance has occurred, this seems impossible. Forgiveness is not wiping your memory blank - it is moving on.

• Forgiveness is not necessarily a one-off action. It can be something we have to do constantly and we may need to forgive the same person for the same hurt over and over again.
• Forgiveness is not deserved. No-one deserves forgiveness. It is an act of grace. Nor can we use forgiveness as a bargaining weapon - "I'll forgive you when you change." We forgive even if the person never changes and continues to hurt us (obviously this is a major problem and I'll blog about this in Forgiveness: The aftermath).
• Forgiveness is not removing the pain. The pain may lessen when you forgive and move on but you may still experience emotional pain in the future. It is not magic.
• Forgiveness is not a feeling - it is a conscious decision. The problem with 'feeling' forgiving towards someone is that you may wake up the next morning and find the anger, hurt and bitterness are still there (been there). The action comes before the emotions.
• Forgiveness is not an invitation for the other person to continue to hurt you. You need to have boundaries.
• Forgiveness is not surrendering and saying the other person was right. Just because you've forgiven someone doesn't mean you were wrong and they were right. You can forgive but still hold onto the truth in that situation.

So once you know what forgiveness is and what it's not, it's worth asking the question, do we have to do it?

More tomorrow....