Down Down Down....Then Slowly Up

I've written about being down before but last weekend was the pits. I really did feel like I was in a slimy pit and every time I'd try to climb out of it, I'd slide back down again. It was easier to just give up and wallow in my misery.

I don't know why but perhaps my surgery being cancelled was the last straw and I spent most of the weekend in a rage or constantly crying....then I'd distract myself and then cry again. I couldn't stop and I didn't know why.

The last place I felt like going was church so I stayed at home, especially since it was a combined service at the Anglican church and all the creed reading and 'peace to you and you and you' greetings really get my goat. It's so fake and ritualistic and I didn't want to be somewhere where I felt like I had to wear a mask.

So for the whole weekend I was angry and sad, then sad and angry and frustrated that it wouldn't stop and I didn't have a concrete reason for being this way (such as someone dying). I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe properly (it just felt like I was panicking for no reason all the time) and I couldn't concentrate on a task. I felt so spiritually dry and annoyed at God so I was even considering cancelling my registration for Cornerstone this weekend because who wants to be among a couple of hundred happy clappy young Christians when you're down? I'm hoping I can be really happy happy joy joy by this weekend because I was really looking forward to the camp.

Yesterday was a much better day. Today was a good day too. I'm grateful that we worship a forgiving God who's not ready to give up on me.