Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Down Down Down....Then Slowly Up

I've written about being down before but last weekend was the pits. I really did feel like I was in a slimy pit and every time I'd try to climb out of it, I'd slide back down again. It was easier to just give up and wallow in my misery.

I don't know why but perhaps my surgery being cancelled was the last straw and I spent most of the weekend in a rage or constantly crying....then I'd distract myself and then cry again. I couldn't stop and I didn't know why.

The last place I felt like going was church so I stayed at home, especially since it was a combined service at the Anglican church and all the creed reading and 'peace to you and you and you' greetings really get my goat. It's so fake and ritualistic and I didn't want to be somewhere where I felt like I had to wear a mask.

So for the whole weekend I was angry and sad, then sad and angry and frustrated that it wouldn't stop and I didn't have a concrete reason for being this way (such as someone dying). I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe properly (it just felt like I was panicking for no reason all the time) and I couldn't concentrate on a task. I felt so spiritually dry and annoyed at God so I was even considering cancelling my registration for Cornerstone this weekend because who wants to be among a couple of hundred happy clappy young Christians when you're down? I'm hoping I can be really happy happy joy joy by this weekend because I was really looking forward to the camp.

Yesterday was a much better day. Today was a good day too. I'm grateful that we worship a forgiving God who's not ready to give up on me.

2 comments:

bek said...

Im just wondering if you should go see your doctor? This may sound silly, but maybe your hormones are all over the place - can easily happen when your on the pill (if you are im not sure) but even if your not it may be worth getting them checked out.
Not trying to discount your feelings in any way, but it may be a valid reason as to why your so up and down at the moment?

Anyway...Im praying for you and I hope you are able to enjoy this weekend!

Sarah said...

Thanks, yeah I am on the pill. I actually don't go up and down all the time, normally I'm happy/average but then every so often I hit a rough patch. I'm hoping there's nothing wrong other than just life in general.