Yesterday, Duncan, Rory and I went to Albany to see a lactation consultant to find out why Rory goes mental while feeding and I can't calm him, and always seems like he is pain after feeds and just won't settle. We were wondering if it was wind, silent reflux, or if I need to go off dairy (as someone suggested he might be lactose intolerant).
Well, it is very premature to say we have won this battle, but at least she has given me some hope. She corrected my latch, gave me a new feeding plan, and it turns out he has lactose overload (but not intolerance) because he drinks too much. Basically the bubba is a pig (he snorts a lot while feeding, too) and is giving himself a belly ache. I have to make sure he is drinking enough hindmilk, and not just foremilk. And I was worrying that he wasn't getting enough! He is a greedy bubba who loves his milk!
Today was my first day alone with Rory. My mum has gone home. It felt like either having her stay or having her go were both bad options (either I have meals prepared, washing done and a clean house, but no sanity, or I just let it go, but at least have space to parent Rory how Duncan and I decide). Duncan knows full well what she's like, but felt like it would be better to have her here helping (I replied that I value my mental health more than the state of the house at the moment). I know what Deb meant about having people 'watching'. I am so over criticism for putting Rory in a bouncy seat, for giving him the antibiotics he was prescribed for his ear infection (umm duh I choose to listen to the doctor on that one), for taking painkillers when I first hurt my back, for wrapping Rory when he sleeps, for putting the airconditioning on or not putting it on...argh! It's very unnverving when you're finding your feet. I can't say today was a great day; Rory wouldn't nap for very long which meant my plans for a sleep didn't eventuate. He keeps getting out of his wrap no matter how tight I wrap him. But he won't sleep without being wrapped because he keeps waking himself up by swatting his arms in his face. Then he just screams and screams *sigh*. I worry because I've found him a few times with the wrap over his face. But at least I am still somewhat sane, Rory is still alive, and it is the weekend tomorrow. Some say weekends don't mean anything when you're a mother, but they do to me! Duncan will be home. Yay!
My GP has given me a referral for counselling for postnatal depression. I can't start meeting with this lady soon enough! Unfortunately she doesn't come to the town near where I live so I'll have to travel about 45 minutes away (not easy when you can't drive). It looks like I might have to wait a few weeks.
I still feel so vulnerable for my last post, but then I figured if some random person is struggling out there and reads it and is helped, then it is not a waste of cyberspace. It's like the quote I posted back in December 2011:
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C.S. Lewis
Thank you for your prayers. I have hope that I will get out of this pit...one day.