It's that time of the year again. I've blinked and it's New Year's Eve and I'm sitting at my computer wondering what hit me this year. It has been the worst year of my life!
How did I go with my hopes for 2013?
1. SURVIVE. My aim is to get home from hospital and be in 'survival mode' (like I am when I'm sick or recovering from being sick - just do the bare essentials). A shower is an achievement. Preparing a meal is an achievement. This will be hard for me. I like to DO things other than day-to-day tasks, but I also know my limitations. I'm aiming just to rest, recover, enjoy getting to know the baby, and being a family of three.
I failed! Although by God's grace, I am sitting here typing this post today, I should have known I would never have been happy with just surviving. Yet, I have survived! There were many moments during August where I decided to take my own life. Now I am feeling much better, and although I want to be with Jesus, I also want to live for Him right now, in the present, on this earth.
Should we have another child, there are so many things I would do differently. I would refuse visitors for a start. It was all too much.
2. Continue editing my book and then search for a literary agent. I'm doing some editing at the moment, I will stop (obviously) when baby is born, then try to do little bits here and there when I'm feeling a bit more robust.
I didn't do any editing until October and I only managed a few chapters. My main aim this year was to get well and keep Rory alive. The moments of spare time I did have I spent doing much more pleasant things than editing. When you've had broken sleep for months, it's not a good time to be carefully reading your own work.
3. Join our church's women's Bible study group or meet one-to-one with another Christian woman. Again, this can wait until things have settled down a bit.
Just when I felt ready to get back into Bible study, my church's morning ladies Bible study shut down because of a lack of numbers. I started my own small group with two other ladies from the farm, but that ended up falling in a heap unfortunately. Rory's terrible sleeping meant it was impossible for me to rejoin the night Bible study Duncan and I had been a part of before Rory was born. Duncan would go on Wednesday nights and I would stay home, only joining in if it was at our house. Next year I feel more confident that we could put Rory down in a portacot at someone else's house and he would actually sleep so hopefully I can get back into some sort of Bible study again.
4. Go on a holiday to Sydney to celebrate my 30th birthday instead of having a party. My birthday is in May, but if we do go, it won't be until July or August. Duncan thinks an interstate trip with a baby will be hard for us. We'll see.
Well, we did this one! We braved a plane trip with a baby, visited some dear friends in Sydney, and I got to add to my wonderful Sydney memories. I even managed a party a few weeks before our trip....bonus!
5. Keep on with the mission convenors role at our church in partnership with Duncan. Last year I hoped to get the congregation (including myself) to take more of an interest in missions. This year I want to actively encourage the missionaries we support through emails, letters etc.
Duncan and I stepped down from this when Rory was four weeks old as it was clear I had postnatal depression. We've just been voted in to do the role again as of now.
Good riddance 2013! You gave me my beautiful boy! You showed me what a great man I have. You surrounded me with some lovely friends. You gave me new friends in women who were fighting the same battles. You showed me that I have a great God. Yet, I am so glad to see the back of you. No, a change of year won't make everything different but, to me, it feels like a fresh start.