The Pendulum: Do I Stay or Do I Go Now?

This post is probably going to be quite strange after my last one, and I apologise for the fact that it's just one big undiluted mind-dump.

Until recently, I always thought we would live up here for an extended period of time.  I have a strong conviction about committing myself to a place and being part of a community.  I was aware that adjustment takes time, and I don't want to be a quitter like so many of Generation Y who change jobs, towns, churches and relationships, always convinced that they're missing out on something better.

But just a few weeks ago, a strong feeling of discontent came seemingly out of nowhere, and I found myself in tears.  Basically, the struggles I described in The Alien and the Clique are still happening, and I can't see things changing any time soon.

On one hand I feel strongly about staying in this place, and raising our children (if we have any) in the country, and teaching them to be strong, devoted members of a community.  I want to help our church grow and reach out.  I like the slower, more peaceful life.

But, on the other hand, I'm missing some people terribly.  I miss being a part of a church which is driven by a passion for local mission.  I miss being around people with ideas and having the opportunity to get alongside them and help their idea become reality.  I came from a church which is passionate about Bible study groups/small groups/homegroups (whatever you want to call them)....meeting together to study God's word and share our lives.  Here a lot of people don't want to bother with Bible study, like they don't think it has any benefits.  Duncan and I are not leader types.  We are indians, not chiefs.  We like to get behind and support things that are already happening.  But nothing much is happening.  A number of people from my church have told me that unfortunately the church has been too inward-focused for years, resulting in a number of locals not even knowing our church exists!  Imagine that, in a town of approximately 700 people!  But I can't change things.  Who am I kidding?  I have so many ideas my head hurts, but I don't know who to go to bounce my ideas off, someone who will give me constructive feedback and not just shoot my ideas down.

On the other hand, I like being at a more relaxed church.  In that sense, moving up here has been really good for me.  I like the way the church is not dominated by weeknight meetings and events, and I get some time just to chill.  This is in stark contrast to my old church where I would be out several nights a week and found it too much.  But I would like to see the church up here do a few outreachy things together; they will just look different to the events done in Perth.

I struggle living in a town so dominated by one industry - agriculture.  We live on a farm, my husband works on a farm, everybody is connected with farming in some way.  Now I even work in a job related to agriculture.  I feel like I am drowning in agriculture!  I don't understand it, I'm not passionate about it.  Some people are...that's obvious...and that's great for them.  But trying to get me to understand farming is like trying to make me a mathematician.  I'm not good at maths and that's not where my passions lie.  I enjoy the admin side of my job....but I struggle because now it seems like my life is being choked by the agricultural industry.  I'm used to going to church and have everybody talk about GOD because he is who unites us after all.  People at my old church seldom talk about their jobs, or at least not the technical side of things because we all work in different areas.  Here I go to church and everybody just talks about farming!  I just want to be able to relate to people, but there is a side to farming I will never understand.  I enjoy the peace and quiet of the farm and the beauty of the sunsets and wide open spaces.  But I'm here to support Duncan....not to become a super farming woman.

That's another thing...I'm getting tired of expectations being placed on me to conform to some sort of stereotype.  I've heard pastors' wives confessing to the same struggles; they struggle with the super-leader, organ-playing, gourmet chef of a pastor's wife.  I struggle with people who keep implying I should be a stereotypical farmer's wife (or farmhand's wife in our case)....the jam-making, chook-plucking, domestic goddess, super cook who drives machinery.  I am not that kind of wife, and never will be.  I am a creative, spirited person who does not being squashed into a box and forced to conform.  And let me get this straight....Duncan is not the one putting this pressure on me.  He has always said my support is enough, and does not make feel like I'm inadequate.  No, it's everyone else that does that, both people here and in Perth and elsewhere.  I just want to be myself.

I think I keep putting too much pressure on myself to make friends, and, apart from people at church, it just isn't happening.  I don't want to use age as an excuse, but making friends seemed SO MUCH easier when I was younger.  There are many lovely people here, but I don't quite know how to take the next step and strike up a friendship.  I struggle with shyness, and I'm worried that we're going to become hermits.  That really bothers me because I am convinced God does NOT intend his people to be loners or hermits, but to be involved and a shining light in the places they find themselves in.  My workmate, who moved to Dally at the end of last year, told me she went down to the pub one Saturday night just to meet people.  She has a bubbly, extroverted personality so this would work for her, but it wouldn't work for me.  What on earth would I say to a pub full of drunk people?  I just don't have the confidence to do it.  I'm used to making friends at school or uni where you sit alongside people for years and gradually strike up a friendship.  My cousin told me a few weeks ago that she couldn't move to a small country town because of the cliques.  She also told me she hasn't made any new friends since high school (she's 33 now) and, although she gets on well with her workmates, she doesn't think she'll stay in touch with them should she change jobs.  That's exactly how I feel.  I feel like have nothing in common with many people here.  Everything is about farming, kids or alcohol.

On the other hand, I feel a certain sense of loyalty to this place, despite all of its faults.  I want to see it grow and develop, and be a thriving community, but unfortunately more people leave than come, and farms keep getting bigger while the population gets smaller.  It still doesn't feel like home.  I don't feel like I belong here.  Some people have mocked me because of my enthusiasm towards events like the annual Show and the Lions Markets, smiling at me like my newcomer's passion will wear off after a while, yet they'd criticise me if I never involved myself with anything.  I can't win.  I like to be involved even though we have to limit what we're involved in because of the distance.

One thing that has really surprised me over the past few weeks is that I get lonely....really lonely.  Sometimes the isolation gets too much.  It's not a loneliness as in I'm bored, but I just want to share life with people.  That's why I had such a strong tone in my last post.  I've moved away with less, and many people I left behind have just moved on as if I never existed.  I feel like I've recovered from the craziness of Perth, and now I'm asking God, "What's next?"  That's the strange thing...I used to be such a cowardly person who would rather hide in the church.  But now I feel like I'm ready for an amazing adventure, to take some risks, not merely for my fulfilment, but make my life count for the gospel in some way.  Yet, I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking I need to do something for God.  He could never love me more, and has proved this by the cross.

A friend wisely pointed out a week or so ago that if I'd never moved here, I might never have finished my book.  I thought, Yeah, she's right.  Maybe that was one reason why God had me move here, who knows? 

So do I stay or do I go?  Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was ready to pack up and run away.  But I is now WE.  Duncan has indicated he does want to move on eventually, but when that will be, we honestly don't know.  He is considering doing some theological study eventually so we might have to move back to Perth. I'd like to think that if I ever returned to Perth, I would not repeat the mistakes of trying to do too much.  The country has made me appreciate things more.  I'm not a country chick, but I'm certainly not a city chick either.  I do like it here, but it doesn't feel like home, and when I confessed my restlessness to Duncan, he said, "I think you're wanting heaven."  What a wise man he is.  I think that's it.  Nowhere on this earth will satisfy or truly feel like home.

I realise this is a season of life, and I want to make the most of it because God may be using it to teach me something.

I don't want to be complacent and just drift with no real intentions.

I just don't want to waste my life.

Get On Your Soapbox #15

If I don't say what I'm about to say, I'm likely to implode!

I'm sure some people will find this offensive, but, to be honest, I really don't care.  It's the type of people in this post whose behaviour I find highly offensive, and, since I'm not just referring to one individual, if people take offense, then they must have a guilty conscience.

Ever since I announced to my Perth mob that I was moving to a farm, I was met with many excited responses.  So many people told me they would keep in touch, and would love to visit.  Well, we've been up here for two years now....and I'm still waiting.

I could rant forever about people who keep making empty promises and breaking them.  I could rant about people who are disorganised, vague and hopeless at answering the many avenues of contact they set up for themselves.  I could rant about people who expect us to just accept the lopsided friendship of having us visit them all the time in Perth, but them never making any effort to travel to us. We do our best to maintain relationships with people, and it hurts greatly when the gestures are not reciprocated.  The vast number of conversations I've had with people over the past two years indicate that some people are ignorant.  They really don't have any idea about our lives up here.  One person got the idea in their head that our house is only accessible by four-wheel drive.  They know I don't have a four-wheel drive; how on earth do they think I get home?!?  Now that doesn't really bother me in the larger scheme of things.  People will always be ignorant about what they don't know.  I'm ignorant about a lot of things.  What I don't like is when people live by their ignorance.

We keep hearing the excuse that it's 'too far' for them to come and visit despite the fact that we've told them repeatedly it is only three hours.  That's the same time as it takes to go down south from Perth.  The SAME TIME.  And we know for a fact that many of the people who say it's 'too far' frequently go down south for the weekend.  Apparently it's too far and too expensive for some people to come up here, yet we are supposedly made of money and expected to come to Perth all the time.  Hmmm funny that.  Whenever we invite people to come to our place, I then get the question, "When are you coming to Perth next?" and I just roll my eyes.

I know some people have very good reasons for not visiting.  Some have large families and wouldn't fit comfortably in our house (and there is nowhere else for them to stay).  Some have difficulty travelling.  Unfortunately our house is not wheelchair-friendly.  I know many people have visited us already, some more than once.  This post is not aimed at them.

A friend who lives in Tom Price feels the same.  She has hardly had any visitors because everyone says it's too expensive to go up there.  Yet, she's expected to make all the effort by going to Perth all the time.

I've really gotten over the stage of begging, pleading, nagging etc.  I realise it's not going to make any difference.  The harsh reality is that many people are not too busy, too poor etc....they are SNOBS!

Unfortunately snobbery is growing at rather an alarming rate among city Christians.  I didn't notice it when I was in Perth, but now that I'm in a dead-end place (according to some people), people don't want to leave the comforts of the city in case the get their immaculate fingernails dirty.  I'm sick of the bogan jokes, and the indication that they think our home isn't good enough for them.  I'm tired of the mocking of country folk as if they are aliens who need to be kept in a glass case and studied carefully to deem if they are human.  Newsflash:  the country is where you'll get some of the best hospitality you will ever receive.  Yes, we'll actually cook for you and welcome you into our home - not take you to a restaurant and make you pay $30.  Yes, there are city folk who are wonderful at hospitality, but the country folk excel, in my opinion.  This is MY HOME, for goodness sake!  I do not like people ridiculing it, especially when they've never ventured past their cultivated lawn and backyard pool to see it for themselves!

I see so many people on Facebook, who claim to be Christians, complaining endlessly about coffee (apparently Perth has NO good coffee....in the whole of Perth), the fact that their mobile phone is a year old, some supposedly horrid restaurant they visited, or that the shops are SO FAR (when there are four shopping centres within a ten minute radius).  They laugh at people who live in a more lowly suburb, and then the same people talk about the possibility of being missionaries in a developing country.  Hmmm so let's see....Dally is not good enough for you, but you're going to live in the slums of India?!?  Whatever!  Toughen up, princess!

Seriously I've had Christians complain about my house (when I lived in Cannington), the wine I've brought to dinner, and laugh at my mobile phone because it wasn't the latest model.  I still cannot believe it; their attitude would almost be laughable if it wasn't so sad, and some Christians really need a reality check, to focus on eternal things, and not things that spoil, perish or fade.  I get sick of the simpering smiles I get accompanied with the question, "So what do you DO up there?"  Well, if you come and see, I will show you how you can live without shops, cafes and nightclubs.  But of course, some people will never come.  We can never compete with down south.  We don't have a chocolate factory or a multitude of breweries and wineries to entertain people.  What you'll get if you come up here is US.  When I've invited people up, I get asked, "But what will I DO up there?".  Ummmm how about nothing?  Or (shock horror) you could actually talk to us!  You know, sit and talk, communicate, share together....the way people did before Wiis were invented.  When I go to a friend's house, I go to see THEM....not their house, not their possessions.  I don't expect them to put on a show, I just want them to share their lives.  And these are the same people who complain that their city lives are too fast, too busy and that they just need to get away and do nothing.

In desperation the other night, I suggested to Duncan that we buy a Wii so people can play it if they visit.  He said no, that he wasn't willing to spend several hundred dollars on a contraption we would hardly ever use ourselves, just to bribe the 'Here we are, now entertain us' types.  That snapped me back to reality.  He's right.  Stuff 'em.

I know I'm not the only country person to go through this.  I've met heaps of people up here who have struggled for years to get their friends to visit, but get scolded if they don't visit the city slickers in Perth.  I guess we're very fortunate that we have genuine friends in our lives who bother to make the effort.  That's all I'm asking.  Some effort.  Once a year is enough.  I'm not asking for a visit every month.

I won't be nagging anymore.  They can sit in their fancy coffee shops and drink lattes until they come out of their noses for all I care.  I will focus my efforts on those who want a friend, and not a court jester who lives in a toy shop.

Broken Hearts

I found a great recipe called Marshmallow Kisses over at Meredith's blog.  You can find it here.

Unfortunately I seem to have the skill of taking a relatively easy recipe and turning it into a disaster.  What began with high hopes of making them for a committee meeting at work, resulted in a series of broken hearts (and the cook was quite brokenhearted too).
This is where the Sarah touch came in.  There's nothing like good old chocolate icing and hundreds and thousands to cover the cracks :)

Disaster averted....this time.

It is FINISHED!

Jesus once uttered these words.

Now I am uttering them too....but for entirely different reasons.

MY BOOK IS FINISHED!

For those of you who are not aware, I have been writing my first novel since I was in high school. I have always wanted to be a writer since I 'published' my first book in Year 2 called 'Monty Meets A Friend' , which was inspired by my toy monkey.  I got second prize at my school, but I wanted first.  I won the local public library's writing prize for my age group when I was 10.  In high school, I got one short story published in a magazine.  I was well and truly hooked.  If I had a good yarn to tell, then I wanted to tell it.

This idea for this novel came in late 1997 when I had just finished Year 9.  I walked out of the cinema, and it hit me.  A blinding light....an inspiration.  I have always loved Aussie Rules football.  Why not write a book about it?  And then my imagination gave birth to the characters of Brad Sinclair and Hayley Cooper, and the long journey began.

I started writing my first draft in Year 10.  I think I got to about five chapters when I decided I wasn't happy with it and binned it.  The TEE and then four years at university followed when I had no time to work on it, but the plot continued to thicken, and the characters continued to develop in my head.  I had a two month gap of unemployment between finishing uni and getting a job which I spent starting my second draft, complete with a new title.  Full-time work followed, and I grew more and more frustrated as my time for my one of my greatest loves began to dwindle.  I felt like a part of myself was dying, and it was time for drastic action.  I approached my work about switching to part-time which, after a long battle, eventually happened.  So, in 2007, Wednesdays became my 'writing day'.

My engagement to Duncan followed which interrupted my writing momentum (not that I blame my man) and I had a gap between November 2007 and May 2008 where I did no writing at all.  After I was married and settled on the farm, my writing began again (and the book had yet another title change).

Through fears, tears and many years, my first novel is finally reality, and this day is very, very sweet for me.

Now, let the editing begin.  Bring it on, baby!

I'M GONNA ROCK DA HOUSE!

The Acts 2:46 Stall

We have Lions Markets being held up here every few months, and they're a great opportunity to have your own stall and sell your wares, whether it be something you've created or if you just need to de-clutter.

What I've found hard up here is that there are less 'organised' ministries up here, but on the other hand there are plenty of opportunities to be creative in finding a way to love God and your neighbour.  You just need to be on the lookout for them.  So, in the past year or so, I've been finding myself becoming increasingly passionate about selling my possessions with the purpose of raising funds for those in need.  Whether it be a local person in financial need or an organisation that spreads the gospel and does good in the world, this is what my heart is intent on doing.

I had my first attempt at doing this at our local school fete last September where we got rid of a lot of crap out of our little house and all proceeds went to Pregnancy Problem House.  Last month I heard another Lions Market was planned for the end of March, and I invited the ladies at my church to join me in 'de-hoarding'.  Some were VERY enthusiastic and donated heaps of stuff, and came down to the park to help Duncan and I out.  After asking around for a worthwhile cause, the chaplaincy at the local district high school seemed to be a unanimous choice (the chaplain goes to our church, and the church is keen to support him in his work).

We raised just over $230.  Unfortunately the markets were a bit of a fizzer that day.  I was a bit disappointed, and was hoping to raise much more, but still...it is another $230.  I'm keen to do it again sometime.

I was struck while reading Acts about the generosity of the early church towards believers and unbelievers alike.  We were just getting rid of stuff we didn't want, but they were selling property and donating the money.  How cool is that!

Having a stall really is an easy way to raise money.  There are always a plethora of markets, fetes and swap meets about.  Not only that, it is a way of doing good in the community that isn't too scary for shy people.

No act of love is in vain.  I keep having to tell myself that.

Bible Verse of the Day

All the believers were together and had everything in common.  Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need.
Acts 2:45-46

56 Random Things You May Not Know

This was emailed to me ages ago, so I thought I'd finally give it a go.  I'm sure you all want to get to know me better :)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8am

2. Diamonds or pearls? Neither really.  I like my beads.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Clash of the Titans.  And yes we saw it in 3D.  It's all action and no storyline really.

4. What do you usually have for breakfast? Cereal, toast and a glass of juice.

5. What is your favourite TV show? Packed to the Rafters.  Can't wait til it comes back!

6. What is your middle name? Rosanne.  My nan's name is Rose.  My great nana's middle name was Anne (her first name was Sarah) so my mum combined the two and chopped the 'e' out of the middle.

7. What food do you dislike? Tomatoes are foul unless they're chopped up so finely and mixed with other things so you can't really taste them.  Brussel sprouts, spinach, silver beet....I could go on and on and on...

8. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Forrest Gump soundtrack.

9. What kind of car do you drive? A silver 2004 Hyundai Accent that's not really liking the rough roads up here and I think she desperately wants to go back to the city.

10. Favourite Sandwich? Chicken, cheese, lettuce and mayo.

11. What characteristic do you despise? Manipulation, controlling behaviour, bitchiness, vagueness and hypocrisy.

12. Favourite item of clothing? My Eagles jacket WOOHOO!  And my dresses!

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Austria so I can do a Maria and sing on a mountain.

14. Favourite brand of clothing? Don't have one.

15. Where would you retire to? The beach.

16. What was your most recent memorable b'day? 21st cos I had a costume party with a 'TV characters' theme.  In high school, I loved my 15th and 16th birthdays which I had just with close friends.  My 23rd was pretty good too, just had an open invite to a pub in Vic Park.

17. Favourite sport to watch? Aussie Rules all the way baby!

18. Furthest place you are sending this? I'm not sending it anywhere.  It's going on my blog so really anyone in the world could read it.  By the way, do I have any international readers (apart from Iris)?

19. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Well, I'm gonna tag everyone who reads this, but I don't actually expect anyone to do it (prove me wrong!)

20. Person you expect to send it back first? Absolutely no idea.

21. Your birthday? 30th May 1983

22. Are you a morning or night person? More morning than night.  I'm more productive in the morning, and start to slack off around nana nap time.

23. What is your shoe size? 7

24. Pets? Ebony puss and Maya dog, and we're getting more chooks in a few weeks.  In Albany, I have my dear old Ellie cat who is now a not-so-sprightly 18 years old.

25. What did you want to be when you were little? An author and a librarian.  How strange that I've done both (well, still waiting to be a published author).

26. Any new and exciting news you would like to share with us? Not really.  I live in the middle of nowhere.  Nothing exciting happens here.

27. How do you feel today? Mellow.

28. What is your favourite candy? Mentos - fresh and full of life :)  A friend of mine told me I need to go to MA (Mints Anonymous).

29. What is your favourite flower? Frangipanis.  I had fake ones in my hair for my wedding.

30. What is the day in the calendar you're looking forward to? Next weekend - Cornerstone!

31. What is your full name? I'm not silly enough to put that on the net!

32. What are you listening to right now? The hum of the laptop and myself typing.

33. What was the last thing you ate? Marshmallows.

34. Do you wish on stars? Nope, I worship the God who created the stars.

35. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? I used to have a rainbow crayon when I was a kid.  I'd be that!

36. How is the weather right now? It has been quite overcast today, but now the skies have cleared a bit.

37. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My dad.  I'm not really a phone person, and I get nervous calling people I don't know well.

38. Favourite softdrink? It used to be lemonade, but now I think it's Coke.

39. Favourite restaurant? I like Whaler's Galley at Whaleworld in Albany.  It's more of a cafe and has a beautiful view.

40. Hair Colour? Brown although I have had a few colour changes over the past six months.

41. What was your favourite toy as a child? My Cabbage Patch Doll who I called Belinda.  I later found her birth certificate and her name is actually Bridget.

42. Summer or Winter? Winter

43. Hugs or kisses? Hugs

44. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

45. Coffee or Tea? I usually drink more coffee, but I like tea too.

46. Do you want your friends to email you back? Nope I want them to do this on their own blogs.  If they don't have a blog, I'd like them to leave a comment with their answers.

47. When was the last time you cried? Last night.  Sometimes the isolation of living here really gets to me.

48. What is under your bed? Ummm what's NOT under our bed!  There's a sleeping bag, a rolled up camping mattress, a blow up mattress and pump, some of Duncan's shoes, a sports bag....I'd have to check to see what else is lurking under there.

49. Salty or Sweet? Sweet usually, but salty chips are SO good!

50. How many keys on your keyring? A car key, two office keys, a post box key...so four I think.

51. How many years at your current job? Five months of my admin job, a year of being a TAFE student, and many years off and on of being a wannabe writer.

52. Favourite day of the week? Saturday because there's still another day of the weekend to go.

53. How many towns have you lived in? Just three - Perth, Albany, then Perth again, and Buntine.

54. Do you make friends easily? I thought I did, but now I realise the sad truth that I don't, and it gets harder as I get older.

55. How many people will you send this to? See question 46.

56. How many will respond? Wouldn't have a clue.

If you're reading this, I tag you.  Do it on your blog and let me know, or if you don't have a blog, leave a comment with your answers.  C'mon I know you have nothing better to do this weekend :)