In an ideal world, I would have more children. I would love to have at least one more, maybe two.
But this is not an ideal world.
Due to my health, we have decided to stop at two. I can't keep getting postnatal depression and ending up in hospital. The likelihood of it happening again will increase with each child, and I have to have c-sections if I have any more. I'm just putting it out there because people will ask. They started asking before Flynn was even born. If you reply, "We're done," you often get the response, "Aww go on, have another one." These are the people who don't know what my family and I have been through. I have to excuse their ignorance. If they knew and had any sort of decency, they wouldn't say such things.
This decision has caused me untold amounts of grief. I never thought it would cause me to feel this way. I always thought I'd be happy with two. Two kids would suit my personality - I'm an introvert, I like my space, I like to do things besides raising kids, yet I don't cope well with too much on my plate. I've told myself that there are lots of advantages to only having two kids. We don't need a bigger car to fit more luggage and an extra carseat. Once they're both in full-time school I can do other things, like nursing home visits. We won't be so busy with extracurricular activities. Holidays will be cheaper.
But still I grieve.
I never understood people who have felt unhappy that they couldn't have lots of kids. Be grateful with the ones you've got, I've thought. Some people can't have any. I've had that said to me. It hurts. Now I understand how they feel.
I just don't understand why I feel this way.