I was discharged from the Mother Baby Unit two weeks ago tomorrow. While it's a relief in some ways to be home, in other ways it's frightening. I was dreading being left on my own at the mercy of two small people. Despite stern talks with myself that I'm the adult here, the isolation still scared me. I didn't want to spend my life counting down the hours until Duncan came home. Plus it's harvest, so I'd be really thrown in the deep end in the early days of mothering two kids.
My first day alone with them was exhausting. While nothing went drastically wrong, I felt inadequate to meet their needs. Rory wanted me to play with him. Flynn wanted to feed. Flynn needed to be settled to sleep. Rory needed stories and an afternoon nap. Then there were baths. Thank goodness for a lovely friend from the farm who dropped off dinner and dessert for us (she has five kids herself; she's amazing).
I've bought a Manduca baby carrier off ebay and I'm just waiting for it to arrive. Flynn still catnaps in 15 minute blocks and I need my hands free sometimes. Then I might actually be able to cook occasionally.
Duncan has his break between 5:30-7:30 each evening to help me with arsenic hour before jumping back on the header to work 'til 1am some nights. But one night he couldn't come home and I had a panic attack. I was completely over it! Last time I came home from the MBU it was seeding. This time it's harvest. God willing, there will be no third time though.
I've been lamenting the lack of support available for country people, and part of me wishes we could move to Perth where there are more options for those with mental illness. We've been trying to find a nanny, then we thought we found one, but she got another job! But now we have a friend from church coming to be our nanny part-time as she was looking for some work before she starts studying in February. This is a HUGE blessing!
Each day still feels like a hard slog. There have been times when both boys have been melting down at the same time and all I can do is sit on the couch and hold both of them while they cry. Other times, it has been a joy to play with them. Rory is a very loving big brother to Flynn, and not a day goes by where he doesn't make me laugh at least once.